I Want to Break No Contact - Should I?

August 3, 2018

I've probably written some version of this post a few times in the past 3 years.

It's been three years since the love of my life (thus far), and I broke up. Not for a lack of love, but just many reasons as to why we couldn't be together. Mostly values and how we each saw our futures - vastly different.

Since then I've had one other relationship - a terrible one not even worth mentioning that didn't last long.

Other than that, I've been trying to move on, but dating has just been a mess and nothing has stuck since.

About a year after the breakup, my ex and I got back into contact. But at that point, she lived 3000 miles away. We would talk often though. I guess attempting some sort of friendship since we still care deeply about each other. It was also kind of easy because, even though we both tried, neither of us had really moved on from each other. Until ....

The beginning of this year. She finally moved back to her hometown and started dating someone there. For the first few months they were dating, she and I were still in contact. She told me the other person was just someone she was seeing because she "would rather see someone than be alone". But. Apparently on her birthday this person gave her a ring. Not an engagement ring - I don't even know what it was - who gives promise rings at 34 years old after 3 months of non-committal dating? Anyway, this person did. And my ex took it. But was still talking to me. Even FaceTimed me at one point and was considering coming to visit me in my new city all the way across the country.

Well, after she told me about the ring, I just snapped. Like I realized that she and I had been in communication for 2 years now, with no resolution for us. I was just thinking, what is the point of this? That we keep this up until one of us inevitably gets married, and then have to stop? I certainly didn't want it to be her getting married first, and the fact that she was dating someone and I was not at this point scared me into thinking that might just be the case.

So I told her I couldn't do it anymore. That I needed to cease communication. We both said I love you and goodbye and that we'd always be there if the other needs.

That was 4 months ago. Dating is still a complete sh*tshow for me. I want so bad to find someone great and move on, but I have yet to find anyone even remotely good. So, it makes me continue to think back on my ex. Because at least she was good. At least she loved me and wanted me, at least at one point.

Tonight I was driving home from dinner with friends and heard Cole Swindell's "Break Up in the End". I just started bawling in the car. Tears just flowing everywhere. I got the urge in my head to send her that song, because it just describes how I feel perfectly.

But I also know that I have done these types of things time and time and again, and it changes nothing.

Ugh, I just want this hurt to go away. It's messed up, but if I fell in love again, I'm sure the hurt would be greatly diminished. But for that fact that I have yet to really be in love since her, I just keep going back to her in my heart. I don't know what to do. Just keep sitting on my hands, and wait and wait and wait for something to change, as I have been for 3 years now?

Edited August 3, 2018 by DontBreakEven

August 3, 2018

Here's what I think.. I think that if she really loved you, she would make it work. I don't think her feelings are very strong. Hard to hear, but necessary for you to realize so you can move on.

She wouldn't be in love with someone else if she was still in love with you. She loves you as a friend. And that's her loss.

Keep your head up, keep looking. You will succeed.

August 3, 2018

The reason to break up has not changed. Why did you torture yourself for 3 years when you knew you couldn't be together, and not for lack of love.

August 3, 2018

She's not interested in dating you. Period. She tells you that she dates this new person because otherwise there'd be no one to date (ignoring you)--that's a total slap ... total evidence that you're not remotely in her mind for dating.

Sounds like you can't exist alone--that's a problem because even in relationship, there are lots of times and a lot of time ... when you will be alone and you will have to manage your feelings.

Sounds like you don't have a strong sense of self--and that you can't quite be single and feel whole. Well, that's a problem ... because frankly, people don't want to date other people who need a relationship to feel whole.

Dating other people didn't help me get over exes. Getting over the exes--letting go, full NC--was what allowed me to date other people. You've got the causation backwards. If I'm not over the ex, I don't have the energy and room to date other people.

Time to find some hobbies and some interests ...

August 3, 2018

Here's what I think.. I think that if she really loved you, she would make it work. I don't think her feelings are very strong. Hard to hear, but necessary for you to realize so you can move on.

She wouldn't be in love with someone else if she was still in love with you. She loves you as a friend. And that's her loss.

Well, she's not in love with anyone else. She's dating someone so as not to be alone. Last I was told, she wouldn't even commit to this person and was still planning on coming to visit me.

Unfortunately we could make the argument here that maybe I don't love her enough either. We broke up because she wanted to live in one city, and I wanted to live in another. Neither one of us would break on that. It was about being near her hometown and family, me being near mine. Unfortunately those 2 cities are worlds away.

August 3, 2018

The reason to break up has not changed. Why did you torture yourself for 3 years when you knew you couldn't be together, and not for lack of love.

I know it hasn't changed.

I tortured myself because I haven't been able to find anyone else ... and trust me I've been trying. I crave connection in my life. At least I had it with her. I don't know. It was better to feel connected than to feel this big black hole like I feel now. Does that make sense?

August 3, 2018

I know it hasn't changed.

I tortured myself because I haven't been able to find anyone else ... and trust me I've been trying. I crave connection in my life. At least I had it with her. I don't know. It was better to feel connected than to feel this big black hole like I feel now. Does that make sense?

Yes, and you mentioned several times in your post that you want to find someone good. You can't do that if you're still hung up on this woman. I think her moving on will set you free to be truly available. Then you have a better chance at finding someone.

August 3, 2018

Don't. Nothing good will come of it

August 3, 2018

OP, you haven't yet found someone great because you are still too attached to your ex. You have to let go.

And look, how good is she really if she accepted a ring (of whatever description) from someone else and was still planning to come visit you? That doesn't speak very highly of her, or her feelings for either you or her current boyfriend.

Don't contact her. It was over 3 years ago; you're only now really realizing that.

August 3, 2018

You two broke up over values & your visions for the future, which were not compatible. Unless those things have changed going back is a waste of time.

You will move on when you let go. For now your love life is not working because you are self sabotaging it by remaining hung up on her. When you fully embrace that she was never The One things will improve. You are the one holding back at this point.

Since you don't seem to understand that, go ahead, & reach out for her. Maybe when she kicks you in the teeth AGAIN you will finally give up.

August 3, 2018

After 3 months, I just contacted my ex who was very cruel and emotionally abused me for 5 years.

I am terrified, he answered my call, was nice and said he'd hit me up later as he's working now, thanked me and we said bye.

Just don't do it. I cannot explain what's happening to me right now, I'm shaking and I'm so scared, I will get hurt all over again. So stupid.

Keep healing and going forward.

August 3, 2018

And look, how good is she really if she accepted a ring (of whatever description) from someone else and was still planning to come visit you? That doesn't speak very highly of her, or her feelings for either you or her current boyfriend.

Yeah I know. This is what I keep reminding myself. I think that's extremely poor character on her part. She's using her new partner. I would've never been okay with her coming to see me while being in a relationship with someone else and wearing their ring (or whatever it is). It's basically why I finally cut it off. Put a bad taste in my mouth that that is how she acts. Selfish.

August 3, 2018

don't take offence, but in all your posts, you sound desperate to be in a relationship. Perhaps that's why you want to go back to your ex, whos with someone. maybe you should work on yourself before engaging in a relationship. I bet you've met a lot of great people, but you compare them to your ex. which isn't fair to them

August 3, 2018

Don`t do it mate.

Nothing good will come of it and you will compound misery with more misery.

Be even worse if she`s nice to you.

Crack on and push on.

August 3, 2018

don't take offence, but in all your posts, you sound desperate to be in a relationship.

I've been single for 2 years and I'm a 35 year old woman who lives in a city where I don't know anyone, and I want kids. Don't take offense ... but there's nothing wrong with wanting companionship and a family.

Perhaps that's why you want to go back to your ex, whos with someone.

I had an amazing relationship with my ex, and I miss her very much at times. Especially when dating hasn't been going so well. I think that's a normal response.

I bet you've met a lot of great people, but you compare them to your ex. which isn't fair to them

Actually 1) I haven't met anyone great, AT ALL, which I've stated time and time again in this thread. 2) I don't compare anyone to my ex. I'm beyond ready to actually meet someone. Which goes back to what I just said, again -- I've had a run of terrible luck of meeting people who are all rebounding.

Thanks for you input, but it's actually not the case at all.

August 3, 2018

Crack on and push on.

Thanks for the encouragement. I didn't, I won't, and I will keep pushing on.

August 3, 2018

I've been single for 2 years and I'm a 35 year old woman who lives in a city where I don't know anyone, and I want kids. Don't take offense ... but there's nothing wrong with wanting companionship and a family.

I had an amazing relationship with my ex, and I miss her very much at times. Especially when dating hasn't been going so well. I think that's a normal response.

Actually 1) I haven't met anyone great, AT ALL, which I've stated time and time again in this thread. 2) I don't compare anyone to my ex. I'm beyond ready to actually meet someone. Which goes back to what I just said, again -- I've had a run of terrible luck of meeting people who are all rebounding.

Thanks for you input, but it's actually not the case at all.

you come across for me anyway, has high strung

August 3, 2018

also in all your other post, you state how you get ghosted all the time. Perhaps you should look at what your doing wrong to fix the issue. Perhaps then you wont miss an ex who has clearly moved on , and your not living in the past.

August 3, 2018

also in all your other post, you state how you get ghosted all the time. Perhaps you should look at what your doing wrong to fix the issue. Perhaps then you wont miss an ex who has clearly moved on , and your not living in the past.

I personally don't find your comments helpful, in any way. You don't know anything about me.

Yes, I get ghosted often. It's called Tinder and dating in 2018, unfortunately.

I created this thread for encouragement during a low moment. You're not helping. Thanks.

August 3, 2018

well I doubt you would find quality women on tinder. I think you should stop living in the past, and focus on today. Have a good day. Good luck

August 3, 2018

well I doubt you would find quality women on tinder. I think you should stop living in the past, and focus on today. Have a good day. Good luck

Yep you're right. I don't find quality women on Tinder, clearly. Unfortunately I'm gay, and attracted to other femme women, and attempting to figure out who else is gay at a random event is basically next to impossible. Hitting on straight women gets old, fast.

Thanks for your well wishes.

August 3, 2018

Yep you're right. I don't find quality women on Tinder, clearly. Unfortunately I'm gay, and attracted to other femme women, and attempting to figure out who else is gay at a random event is basically next to impossible. Hitting on straight women gets old, fast.

Thanks for your well wishes.

its not unfortunate that your gay. Its who you are. but contacting your ex from 3 years ago would be a bad move.

Edited August 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

August 3, 2018

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. Seems like a really bad run the past few years, and before that too. You've been over a lot of hurdles in the dating game, and you're still going, but as the race goes on you start to fatigue and wonder if it is worth carrying on the race/dating. Too many hurdles.. will they ever stop? I think they will, but you don't need to put any pressure on yourself. It's not about speed, but endurance. Just relax and look after yourself for a while. Time for a reflect over a drinks break before you get back onto the track. (sorry this metaphor is so lame and I don't know where it is coming from, I can't even run at the moment because I'm unfit and have developed asthma.. but I hope I can provide some support, a chat and a laugh - message me anytime).

I can see where you're coming from with finding the next person, the right person, to completely forget about your ex. That's fine, but it will take time to find the right one. And the more wrong ones you come across (there are so many out there to weed through..), the more you'll long for the ex. Was she that perfect though? I think you deserve better. It seems like you may have had a glimmer of hope for the past few years that you two could work things out, and have not started letting go yet. This seems pretty understandable given the way things ended. Am I right that things were going along nicely before she decided to move a few thousand miles to be near her family? That would be really hard to take.

But then it seems like there were a few other incompatibilities there too. What were the different values and future plans? I find that it sometimes helps to write down a list of the negatives about the relationship, but in a brutally honest way - don't let your emotions or loneliness fool you into thinking there are no negatives and she was 'the one'. Then when you're sad and reminiscing, just remember those reasons that it didn't work out. You already know that contacting her will hurt you more in the long run (oh joy, more running), but it's a matter of convincing yourself when those feelings take over.

You also know that sense of freedom and weight off your shoulders when you stick to 'no contact'. It might help to jot down some inspirational quotes that will remind you of this feeling - the way forward. There is light there and you can always get yourself back there, moving forward, letting go, onto great new things.

August 4, 2018

Regardless of the reason, the relationship isn't going to work. That is a fact you have to admit. You're not going to be together. I'm sorry about that, but you have to cut the cord here. You've basically been in denial for three years. That's why you feel awful and can't move on. It's like you're getting rejected all over again each time. NC is the only way to get over someone you still have feelings for.

August 4, 2018

Regardless of the reason, the relationship isn't going to work. That is a fact you have to admit. You're not going to be together. I'm sorry about that, but you have to cut the cord here. You've basically been in denial for three years. That's why you feel awful and can't move on. It's like you're getting rejected all over again each time. NC is the only way to get over someone you still have feelings for.

OP, the above is true.

NC, if you can implement it properly, starting as soon as possible, will give you the space to breathe again.

We all mess up NC. But there will come a point when you get it right.

Go past a certain stage and you will feel better.

Maybe don`t try so hard to date, etc. You need to reach a place where you are relaxed and free with new people.

Not easy.

But worth it.

Do something interesting today.

I myself are off to attend a seance.

(Only joking) But distraction is wonderful when you feel down.

I will actually do the weekly shop. Tesco, has a deal on Bio lemons, (Wouldn`t want to miss that one)

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