My boyfriend used to be in an open relationship. How do you deal with your partner's

[moonandsun]

So my whole life, I was monogamous. It's in my core. I like being with one person only.

My current boyfriend and I have been dating for three months. He is wonderful and treats me well and gives me love. He hasn't said the L word yet but I'm hoping it will happen soon...

 

However, my bf has previously been in an open relationship for two years(where he had threesomes often with his gf). Before that, he would have polyamorous casual relationships. When he met me, he cut all the other girls off because he said he liked me best and wanted to focus on me. About a month into us dating, we became exclusive.

 

While I feel that he is happy that we are in an exclusive, committed relationship, it still scares me that he has been polyamorous in the past and has been in an open relationship. It scares me that one day, I won't be enough. we very openly communicate with each other and yesterday I told him how sometimes it scares me that he was and liked being in open relationship because he could have multiple partners and all. He keeps saying how he doesn't mind giving that up and it's not something he will regret because it means he has me.

 

But for some reason, this still makes me feel uncomfortable... I've been cheated on in the past, and I'm scared that one day I truly won't be enough for him.

 

Has anyone ever dated someone who used to be in an open relationship/polyamorous? How do you deal with your partner's past?

[smackie9]

A) having an open relationship/relationships/polygamous doesn't make you a cheater. He had full consent from his partners.

 

B) this type of lifestyle is handled with a lot of trust and communication and set boundaries.

 

C) most of it is just about having different experiences, variety...nothing to do with love.

 

 

 

I suggest you discuss your feelings about this with him so he knows WHERE YOU are coming from and where you stand on this type of lifestyle. He just may have had enough of sowing his wild oats and ready for something more special than a bunch of rolls in the hay.

 

 

Seriously tho, have you not expressed your core values when he brought this up??

[central]

I've been in open, monogamous, and poly relationships, and changed from one to another a few times. It isn't a problem for me to commit to one person, or to end (or return to) and open relationship. It depends on my partner, what they want, and whether I want them enough to make an exclusive commitment.

 

I was completely monogamous with my first wife, but when she began withholding sex for no good reason, I divorced her. The same could happen in any relationship, of course. Unless you lose sexual interest in him, I doubt it will be a problem - and if you do, then his past won't make any difference to what he decides to do, except, people in open relationships usually have to be more honest, communicate well, and exhibit integrity in order to keep things stable. So, if he does become unhappy with you, you will probably hear about it before it reaches a critical point, and even then he's unlikely to cheat - but he might leave.

 

In my current marriage, we're open, and we've even had threesomes, but we could decide at some point to be exclusive and monogamous, and then honor that decision. We've talked about it, but are not yet ready to go that route, but will eventually, I think. We have a great relationship and sex life, so cutting out others wouldn't be a burden or disappointment.

 

So, unless he's shown any signs of dishonesty, I'd take him at his word. Talk to him, and make clear that any kind of non-monogamy isn't acceptable to you. If you expect that of him, then you have to also step up and not take him for granted, in a sexual sense. If you have reservation about your ability to be a loving, sexual partner to him specifically, then don't go forward.

[Mrin]

My response in booze:

 

Back when I was in college I used to drink cheap beer. LOTS of it. I can remember (kinda) doing naked beer slides, keg stands, even pouring whole pitchers of beer over my head. God is was fun!

 

After college I discovered scotch and it became my favorite drink. Oh, I used still unwind with a good porter or stout but ya, give me some good scotch and I was happy.

 

Then maybe 8 years later I discovered bourbon mainly because I was working with a bunch of Kentucky guys and they showed me the ways of the brown water. I fell in love with good bourbon. Single barrel stuff. I found I didn't like scotch anymore. It just doesn't compare. Why would I want scotch when I could have bourbon?

 

Oh, and I don't ever have the urge to drink cheap beer. In fact, I won't even bother myself to drink it if given to me for free and it being the only thing to drink. I'd rather drink water.

 

Mrin

[moonandsun]

A) having an open relationship/relationships/polygamous doesn't make you a cheater. He had full consent from his partners.

 

B) this type of lifestyle is handled with a lot of trust and communication and set boundaries.

 

C) most of it is just about having different experiences, variety...nothing to do with love.

 

 

 

I suggest you discuss your feelings about this with him so he knows WHERE YOU are coming from and where you stand on this type of lifestyle. He just may have had enough of sowing his wild oats and ready for something more special than a bunch of rolls in the hay.

 

 

Seriously tho, have you not expressed your core values when he brought this up??

 

 

We had a bunch of convos about it and rrom the beginning he was very aware of my monogamous lifestyle and how I do not like the whole idea of open relationships. He is very understanding and accepting. I under open relationships come with trust and communication but to me it still doesn't settle the thought that I wont be enough for him.

 

Thanks for your reply though

[bachdude]

We had a bunch of convos about it and rrom the beginning he was very aware of my monogamous lifestyle and how I do not like the whole idea of open relationships. He is very understanding and accepting. I under open relationships come with trust and communication but to me it still doesn't settle the thought that I wont be enough for him.

 

Thanks for your reply though

 

I totally get your concerns but, unfortunately, he can't change the past and from your own words it sounds like he is doing his darndest to reassure you.

 

In the end, it really is up to you to accept his past or not, not up to him to to do a 1000 back flips to prove his commitment. He is who he is. Accept him, past and all, and give it a go or decide only to date guys who have been purely monogamous.

[moonandsun]

Central- thanks that does really help to see that..I guess I don't want to be offensive but it's like I can't understand the mentality? I want to understand so I can see from his perspective and not feel uncomfortable about it, but I feel like I'm wired in a way that I can't understand it. It makes me feel bad for feeling this way.

I do trust him and he always makes me feel comfortable and loved. He prioritizes me. He makes me feel safe. And our sex life is great. Just don't want to make a mistake with him.

 

Thanks for giving me your side of it.

[moonandsun]

My response in booze:

 

Back when I was in college I used to drink cheap beer. LOTS of it. I can remember (kinda) doing naked beer slides, keg stands, even pouring whole pitchers of beer over my head. God is was fun!

 

After college I discovered scotch and it became my favorite drink. Oh, I used still unwind with a good porter or stout but ya, give me some good scotch and I was happy.

 

Then maybe 8 years later I discovered bourbon mainly because I was working with a bunch of Kentucky guys and they showed me the ways of the brown water. I fell in love with good bourbon. Single barrel stuff. I found I didn't like scotch anymore. It just doesn't compare. Why would I want scotch when I could have bourbon?

 

Oh, and I don't ever have the urge to drink cheap beer. In fact, I won't even bother myself to drink it if given to me for free and it being the only thing to drink. I'd rather drink water.

 

Mrin

 

This was a great analogy..thank you... ?

[kendahke]

it still doesn't settle the thought that I wont be enough for him.

 

Is this thought more important to you than his word that you are more than enough and he's done with that lifestyle? If it is, then, as Bachdude said, time to find someone who has always been monogamous in all of his past relationships. Nothing is going to change his past. No amount of you prioritizing this thought is going to spin the earth backwards until the moment before his first experience so he can have a re-do.

 

Either who he is, as he is, is enough for you or it isn't and if it isn't, time to let him go. He's only going to put up with this for so long before he gets sick of not being believed when he tells you he's 100% with you.

 

Don't kill a good thing by prioritizing a destructive thought.

Edited August 2, 2018 by kendahke

[BluesPower]

to me it still doesn't settle the thought that I wont be enough for him.

 

So I don't have as much experience as central but I have had my share.

 

Now, I have had several GF/FWB's several times at the same time. I usually kept it between 3 or 2 at a time. Now I don't know if this was an open relationship because there was no primary relationship. I guess we would have to get @central to answer that.

 

Now, everything was above board, and these girls were more than FB's but less than serious GF's, so whatever I don't know where that puts me at.

 

Anyway, I enjoyed that part of my life, I enjoyed the variety, a lot. But when I met my current GF, she was not interested in that so it stopped.

 

I personally have never looked back. At this point in my life, she is all that I need, and I want to be with her forever.

 

And even though I used to be that way before, I have no issues in any way just being with her.

 

For me this is a new kind of love that I have never had before and it is the best thing I have every had romantically so I am good.

 

She is a little worried that I may stray, but I have no desire to do that and will not do that.

 

So take that for what it is worth...