Is "2 strikes and you're out" a good rule of thumb in the early stages of dating?

[melodicintention]

After some introspection, I realized I have a problem with letting guys get away multiple times with things that cross my boundaries, and I tend to explain to them over and over trying to get them to see how they need to meet my needs until I finally get it that nothing will change and finally move on. I think some of this loosely comes from having authoritarian parents who I had to explain thing to until I was red in the face to get them to understand (which they never did).

 

But after years of dating guys and explain to them how whatever thing is is they keep doing that is crossing my boundaries (for example misusing texting, or cancelling on me last minute) I'm thinking I'm doing it all wrong. That i'm fighting too hard and should start giving up on them faster. That if I identify the behavior I don't like that crosses my boundary, have one discussion where I tell them my boundaries, and if it happens again, tell them it's not going to work out and move on, and leave it up to them to either figure out they must change or move on themselves. Like 2 strikes and your out kinda thing. It seems fair to give people a 1st chance, but it seems like after the 2nd chance it they either aren't going to get it, or don't care to get it and are going to test you to see how much you will take.

 

Is this a rational way to think? Am I being too hard now? Should it be 3 strikes? Of course some situations may call for a looser approach, but in general, is this a good way to modify my behavior so I quit wasting my time on dudes who cannot or will not change? (this also goes for friends too)

[basil67]

Yes, that's pretty much it. But some things deserve no second chance and some a second chance and other things need discussion.

 

For example, if a guy is obnoxious to waitstaff on a date, that would be an instant deal breaker for me. Same if his flat is a pig sty. The reason it's instant is because those actions give insight into his personality. It shows him as being a tool in the first instance and a slob in the second. Neither of these things are going to change. Better to just leave.

 

If it's more about different dating styles, then discussion is the answer. If 'misusing texting' is an unsolicited dick pic of a guy who you've not been intimate with, then it's an instant dismissal.

 

Cancelling at the last minute is acceptable if you know from the outset that they are on call as either a parent or professionally or there's been an accident or breakdown. A last minute cancellation without good reason shouldn't get a second or third chance.

[PegNosePete]

Agree with basil, it doesn't make sense to have hard and fast rules like everyone gets 2 chances. It depends on what they do.

 

Some things are 1 strike and you're out, like standing you up without letting you know, cancelling with a poor reason ("I forgot" etc), being rude or inappropriate.

 

Other things don't even count as a 2nd chance such as family emergency, not-at-fault traffic accident. It's not really fair to say your mum got taken to hospital that's strike 1, you got hit by a car that's strike 2, you're out.

 

Things in the middle might get a 2nd chance such as a genuine misunderstanding, slip of the tongue, etc.

[basil67]

Other things don't even count as a 2nd chance such ...not-at-fault traffic accident.

 

Totally agree.

 

I would add that even a 'not at fault' doesn't count unless you get done for a string of offences which caused the accident. I'm not going to write a guy off because of a lapse of attention.

[d0nnivain]

Inexcusable behavior that crosses your boundaries is a valid reason to end a relationship that is not working for you. If you need the discipline to say "2 strikes" that's fine. Use that rubric to help you maintain your boundaries but again you do have to look at the whole. If the was a valid reason, perhaps that event doesn't get counted a strike.

[FMW]

Good comments so far, I would just stress to not over-correct by becoming too rigid without allowing for context.

[CollegeKid101]

As mentioned before, you need to decide what is considered a "strike" and what is considered "annoying." This distinction can be a fine line, depending on the person.

 

For example, if a girl stops talking to me and reappears a few days later, I would count it as "annoying." However, if her excuse was "I was busy, sorry!." That's a "strike" for me. Nobody is too busy to return a text.

 

Strong "Strike" Example: Cancels on you last minute without a valid excuse.

 

Strong "Annoying" Example: Cancels a couple days out, but continues to talk to you. However, if they never suggest a time within a week or so, I would count it as a "strikeout."

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Agree with basil, it doesn't make sense to have hard and fast rules like everyone gets 2 chances. It depends on what they do.

 

Some things are 1 strike and you're out, like standing you up without letting you know, cancelling with a poor reason ("I forgot" etc), being rude or inappropriate.

 

Other things don't even count as a 2nd chance such as family emergency, not-at-fault traffic accident. It's not really fair to say your mum got taken to hospital that's strike 1, you got hit by a car that's strike 2, you're out.

 

Things in the middle might get a 2nd chance such as a genuine misunderstanding, slip of the tongue, etc.

 

Yes 2 strikes and you are out should apply to specific situations. When I dated a guy long distance, he forgot to call me twice after promising he wouldn't forget. At that point I should have been done, but I really liked him. Lets just say he was never super interested in me and I could have saved precious time and emotions by just finishing it there.

 

I dated a crazy possessive guy for a short period. He would freak out on me for little things and I forgave him. That def deserves only 2 strikes because if they don't listen to how much something hurt you, they will not make an effort to get better.

[guest569]

I'm not sure about 2 strikes. Some relationships are so smooth sailing (talking about early days right?) so this never becomes an issue.

 

With not so smooth relationships you have to figure out if it is worth it.

 

It's more of a scale. It's about knowing what you want. Knowing whether it is the time to compromise or it is the time to walk away. keeping a clear view of what you want and where your boundaries are, so that if someone messes you around you have the strength to walk away. Learning from past experiences and knowing who you are and what you stand for.

[PRW]

I'm looking back at the original post. You're over focusing in symptoms and saying if this symptom pops up twice they are done. You need to look are the root cause behind the symptom. For example some offenses may happen because the person just doesn't respect you,...on the other hand the exact same symptoms may happen because the person may be under stress themselves, or maybe they are just a little absent minded. So it is the same symptoms, the same actions, the same "offenses" but the reasons behind them completely different. You have to decide if the underlying problem is a deal breaker or not,....it isn't about exceeding a number of "strikes".

[smackie9]

Depending what it is, it could be one strike you're out. It guess those would be called "dealbreakers"

 

 

 

I truly believe first impressions count. I wouldn't warn them of your 2 strike/ over stepping your boundaries rule. Just observe, and decide then how it affect you.

[OnlyHonesty]

1 strike, 1 warning, then if it happens again, you walk. I used to have a 1 strike and you're out but people said this was too mean so I made a compromise.

[hippychick3]

I have found through experience that after one strike in the early dating days, most guys are not worth the risk of a second strike. The guys who cancel dates (exceptions: life or death emergency, cancelled flight, or anything else completely out of their control) is not interested enough in you to even bother seeing again.

 

The men who were the most interested never, ever cancelled a date with me. My bf of almost 5 years has never once not followed through on a commitment or not come for a weekend that he had planned to come (he lives 3 hours away). A man who really wants to see you makes it happen.

 

I believe if you raise your expectations and standards, you will date better quality men.

[salparadise]

You have to decide if the underlying problem is a deal breaker or not,....it isn't about exceeding a number of "strikes".

 

I agree. I wouldn't want to get involved with anyone who carries a scorecard around looking for an excuse to end it. I say focus in a positive direction and don't sweat the small stuff. If there are patterns need to be addressed then have a conversation. Don't allow anyone to treat you like a doormat, but don't go around thinking... this guy is down to his last strike. If you're thinking that way it's just a matter of time so might as well call it done.

 

The two strike rule makes it sound like a simple process of elimination... keep dating new people until you find someone who never makes a mistake? The perfect man? Nah, it just doesn't work like that. Everyone makes mistakes, and I honestly don't know anyone who has only ever made one.

[OnlyHonesty]

I agree. I wouldn't want to get involved with anyone who carries a scorecard around looking for an excuse to end it. I say focus in a positive direction and don't sweat the small stuff. If there are patterns need to be addressed then have a conversation. Don't allow anyone to treat you like a doormat, but don't go around thinking... this guy is down to his last strike. If you're thinking that way it's just a matter of time so might as well call it done.

 

The two strike rule makes it sound like a simple process of elimination... keep dating new people until you find someone who never makes a mistake? The perfect man? Nah, it just doesn't work like that. Everyone makes mistakes, and I honestly don't know anyone who has only ever made one.

 

 

 

 

It depends on the mistakes. For example, if someone is rude or disrespectful. The problem most people have is they see redflags and just keep going, they return to ex's or they do not enforce boundaries.

 

 

Some mistakes aren't going to be anything to worry about.

[kendahke]

I see nothing wrong with this approach.

 

Some people like to use others to mark time til something better comes along and they don't have to be lonely while waiting on him/her to show up.

 

If it's going to be your policy, it doesn't warrant an announcement. A grown man should be able to understand where you're coming from without a huge declaration on how to open a can of "act right".

[OatsAndHall]

I have my deal-breakers (i.e. one and you're done..) but everything else is pretty much subjective. I have called it off with women for major reasons; a weekend at a male "friend's" cabin) and for things that folks would view as forgivable; claiming that I've "marginalized" their feelings when I didn't return a text when I didn't gave my phone.

 

 

 

Every person is different and every situation is different.

[salparadise]

It depends on the mistakes. For example, if someone is rude or disrespectful. The problem most people have is they see redflags and just keep going, they return to ex's or they do not enforce boundaries. Some mistakes aren't going to be anything to worry about.

 

Yes, there are many people who have weak boundaries and don't know when to say when. But I doubt that adopting this scorekeeping thing is a solution. The solution, in my opinion, is to develop some healthy self respect instead of an outer layer of suspicion and defensiveness.

 

I went out with a woman a couple of times who seemed nice. But as we talked about our backgrounds and relationship history it became apparent that she had a tough time growing up, and then a bunch of not-so-healthy relationships. But she was "cured," a different person now. She went on and on about all the things she would not tolerate and what she expected, I do this, I won't put up with that... this woman had dysfunction written all over her. And she just couldn't quit talking about how strong and high her defenses are since she became enlightened.

 

I felt sorry for her. She really wanted a healthy relationship, of course, and knew a lot of good words to say (from therapy), but the poor thing was NEVER going to be a person you could just relax with and enjoy each other's company. It was all about what a strong warrior she had become and how she gives no quarter.

 

It's all too complicated and nuanced to reduce to a simple two-strike rule. If a person can't let go of that defensive posture and still have boundaries, I don't think they're ever going to find much joy.

[OatsAndHall]

It's all too complicated and nuanced to reduce to a simple two-strike rule. If a person can't let go of that defensive posture and still have boundaries, I don't think they're ever going to find much joy.

 

 

I agree. You're going to run into many different personality types when dating and painting yourself into a corner with rules probably isn't wise.

 

 

 

Tale of two women that I've had relationships with over the last few years:

 

 

Woman 1: She showed up to dates late, she was bad with returning texts/phone calls at times, and we didn't have a ton of interests in common. Initially, I was annoyed and really didn't see us lasting longer than a few weeks. But, she was a genuinely nice and caring woman and the time we spent together was fun. She doesn't care for fishing but she knows I love it so she'd join me, pull up a chair along the shore, read a book and we'd chat. She knows I really didn't like eating out a a particular restaurant for a variety of reasons but she loved the place so I would take her out to dinner there. We just had fun together. Things fell apart as I taught her son in school, he started to have some serious behavior issues in my class and we decided that it was best for all involved if we didn't date.

 

 

Woman 2: She was very communicative, showed up for everything fifteen minutes early, put a lot of effort into planning exciting dates and we had many interests in common. The first few months were a blast and I really felt like this was coming somewhere. But things went down hill in a hurry. The bottom line was simple; she was extremely insecure, had a quick temper, and started to become quite controlling. Things came to a screeching halt when I was invited over to a friend's house for dinner and a movie in his new man-cave. I made these plans with him, told her about them and she asked "can I join?" I told her that I would feel uncomfortable asking my friend if she could join as it was his house, he was doing the cooking, and he hadn't extended the invitation to anyone other than me. I didn't say this to her but her and I had spent that whole day together and had plans the next day as well so I needed some "guy time". That began Fight #1 for the day.. Fights #2-5 ensued when I didn't return texts while I was hanging out with my friend. This was something that she knew about me; I don't bury my face in my phone when I'm out with friends. Things ended when she flat-out accused me of seeing another woman.

[mortensorchid]

I have standards for behaviors with those who I date. It comes from years of experience. I just created a thread about a bad internet date I had just yesterday. And yes, I post these rules all the time, some say I am harsh, but experience has taught me otherwise …

 

1) First encounter - if there is any hostility or strangeness between me and that person upon our first meeting (literally "Hi how are you" and shake hands) then this will be bad.

 

2) Relaxation - We have to be relaxed and chatting about things during the time we are together about whatever it is we're talking about. If he's silent or looks away, at his phone/watch, or if I get a "bad vibe" from him, this is done.

 

3) Exit the building - He's got to walk me to my car. If he stops halfway, or if he departs and doesn't say a word to me (and that's happened to me, really) he's not interested. This shows me he has courtesy.

 

4) The good-bye - If he offers a handshake, this is not good. If he doesn't even say "This was fun" or anything positive, this is also not good. A hug good-bye is the best sign because it's being courteous.

 

5) 48 hours - If you haven't heard from him within 48 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again. He may call a few days later, I may have a second get together with him, but he doesn't really care if I say yes or no to the offer to see him again. And if there is a second get together, I won't hear from him again after that.

 

6) Texting - I lived in the days before texting, now that we have it our lines of communication for the above listed rule were more clear. Texting has muddied our means of communication. If I get a text the next day from him, it has to say something like "I had a nice time last night I hope we can see each other again soon". If it says something like "I had a nice time last night", I reply with a polite "Thanks I did as well" and … That's the end of it.

 

There are other strikes that happen as well but that's more extreme behavior.

[spiderowl]

I think it depends what kind of boundaries but in general if a guy ignores what you say and does it again, then maybe give him one more chance and then opt out. To be honest, if you have to keep explaining something, they are not getting it and you are just wasting your time keep explaining. If it is something unbearable to you, then it is better to say goodbye sooner than letting it drag on. If it is something you really cannot bear, then why put up with it?