galactiknight Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 It's not that he doesn't feel it at all but it's just that he doesn't typically show it. If he's sad or he's bothered he'll never show it, but I always know if something's wrong... He just never tells me what's wrong. I know I have to trust him, for sure. He says he can be trusted and I know he is telling me the truth when he says that he loves me. I just can't trust him to be true to himself. He never tells me what's wrong with him because he doesn't want to "bother me" and that it "doesn't concern me." He really only tells me things that I "need to know." And, even though I say that I trust him, I can't really help but question it a little bit. He hates bothering people with his problems so much that he seems so secretive to me. The thing is though, he knows this. He knows I feel this way and he knows he is doing something wrong. He tells me that he will open up in time but I'm impatient. And I know for a fact that he's lying to himself when he says that he will tell me everything one day. He's also sort of a sociopath... He's always analyzing people, "calculating" his next move or action in certain situations... Whenever I'm upset he's "intrigued" by how I can expression such an emotion. Sometimes, I feel like he's treating this like some kind of game he has to win. He never actually empathizes with other people and can never seem to understand why they are upset. But at the same time, he's sensitive to certain things. I can't get mad at him and I can't tell him what he is doing wrong because he will always assume that I hate him; like he doesn't trust me enough to love him even though I'm angry. I can never talk to him about these things and I can never get him to hold a serious conversation about it because he's just never serious. When I'm being real about something he seems nonchalant about it, almost as if he thinks we shouldn't be having that conversation. I love him though, I really do. I know that some people will respond and tell me to dump him and stuff like that, but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him; I'm certain of it. It's just sometimes I feel like he doesn't feel the same way... I don't know if I've missed anything here but that's all I have from the top of my head...
Gaeta Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 It's not that he doesn't feel it at all but it's just that he doesn't typically show it. If he's sad or he's bothered he'll never show it, but I always know if something's wrong... He just never tells me what's wrong. He never tells me what's wrong with him because he doesn't want to "bother me" and that it "doesn't concern me." He really only tells me things that I "need to know." And, even though I say that I trust him, I can't really help but question it a little bit. He hates bothering people with his problems so much that he seems so secretive to me. The thing is though, he knows this. He knows I feel this way and he knows he is doing something wrong. He tells me that he will open up in time but I'm impatient. And I know for a fact that he's lying to himself when he says that he will tell me everything one day. This sounds like most men I know. Men aren't like women they don't like to open up and go deep in details about what they feel. If he had a need to talk about it then trust he'd come to you. If he doesn't then it's useless to try to get something out of him. Respect his need to process things on his own. You don't need to know everything about your boyfriend especially not all of his inner thoughts. He's also sort of a sociopath... He's always analyzing people, "calculating" his next move or action in certain situations... Whenever I'm upset he's "intrigued" by how I can expression such an emotion. Sometimes, I feel like he's treating this like some kind of game he has to win. He never actually empathizes with other people and can never seem to understand why they are upset. Sociopath is a pretty big word. If he were he would not be sensitive to certain things like you're saying in the following paragraph. Your boyfriend may have a form of Asperger but I doubt he's a sociopath. But at the same time, he's sensitive to certain things. I can't get mad at him and I can't tell him what he is doing wrong because he will always assume that I hate him; like he doesn't trust me enough to love him even though I'm angry. I can never talk to him about these things and I can never get him to hold a serious conversation about it because he's just never serious. When I'm being real about something he seems nonchalant about it, almost as if he thinks we shouldn't be having that conversation. And how to you think the rest of your life will be if you can never have a serious conversation with him and he seems nonchalant? You won't be dating for the rest of your life, you will live together, buy important assets together, you'll have responsibilities together, maybe become parents together, how will you be able to manage all that with a man you cannot have a serious conversation with? I love him though, I really do. I know that some people will respond and tell me to dump him and stuff like that, but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him; I'm certain of it. It's just sometimes I feel like he doesn't feel the same way.... Of course you love him but is this relationship viable long term? Put your feelings aside for a moment and do you see yourself embarking in a life full of responsibilities with him? Where will you get the words of encouragement you need, the words of love, the connection, the complicity that is needed to make it long term?
Lotsgoingon Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 So you are certain, you insist, that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you say is a "sort of sociopath"? We could stop there. He doesn't tell you what he's feeling. (Guys show their feelings ... some guys may not talk about their feelings, but they show them. And increasingly guys talk about their feelings a lot. Male presidents cry and guys will share their feelings, especially with a woman they love.) We could stop there. If you want to be with him, so be it ... but here's what you got to know: partners rarely change in the way we fantasize they will change. They might change, but not because of us ... and for deep change, we're often talking decades of effort and life experience. This guy is not going to suddenly open up to you ... The calculating that you have noticed is extremely alarming. I say extremely alarming because partners in love will typically blind themselves to that behavior. You're committed to this guy and thus trying your hardest not to notice disturbing behavior--and even you have noticed the calculating. Which means that this behavior is disturbing (to catch your attention) and frequent and unusual. The lack of empathy very disturbing. Not knowing why people get upset ... definitely sounds like a sociopath when paired with the calculating. He doesn't want to bother you with his feelings or problems. Then why is he dating you? He's shutting you out of his life. I will just ask you to have an open mind ... especially if this is the first guy you've dated. A lot of times people make the mistake of thinking "this is just how a relationship is" based how their first partner is. And people put up with all kinds of unhappiness and miserable for the small amount of whatever they get out of the relationship. Good luck ... Just know, you have publicly written that you find elements of this guy's personality to be like a sociopath. And you have noticed he is calculating in personal relationships. And he shows no feelings and has no understanding of why people get upset. I'm not sure there are louder red flags than that. Wouldn't surprise me at all if in later years, you find yourself struggling to understand how you could notice these behaviors and not act to get out of the relationship. I can't help but wonder if you grew up in a very abusive home that made it easy for you to adjust to and normalize this clearly abnormal behavior. 1
smackie9 Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 (edited) Sociopath doesn't always mean "serial killer". There are those who wear the white hat (good guys), and they usually have high risk jobs like police or EMTs. they can navigate through life just fine without wanting to cook their neighbor's head in a pot on the stove. I think he struggles to understand emotion, like Asperger's Syndrome, where he needs to analyze/calculate what he sees, because that is the only way he has been able to deal with it. But we can't diagnose his disorder, only a professional can. Has he ever been to a psychologists? BTW a truly dangerous Sociopath "mimics" emotion from whom they are interacting with. They are out going, charming, talk you in circles, pretend to be something they are not...total con artist. Edited August 1, 2018 by smackie9
d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 He's not a sociopath. He's just more analytical then you are. He doesn't understand your emotional side & you don't understand his analytical side. My husband is a Marine veteran. They don't come much more stoic then him. I know he feels emotions but he is not about to let anybody else know that. He's rock solid on the outside. After a long time, maybe starting around our wedding, he s . l . o . w . l . y let me in. I saw him she a tear when he saw me for the first time on our wedding day. It was a private reveal. He would have been mortified if anybody else see that. I got in his mother's face at his grandmother's funeral while my dear MIL was pestering her youngest son to show more emotions & act like he cared. I knew he was heartbroken but he was not about to fall apart in public. It annoyed me that my MIL couldn't let my husband grieve in his own way. We balance each other. I'm his emotional side & he's my logical side. When you have men like your BF it takes a very long time to earn their trust before they will reveal their most vulnerable side to you. If you press, they will shut down even more because they don't think you are strong enough to handle their emotions. 2
preraph Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 I think you're right that he's possibly a sociopath. Sociopath will make all kinds of excuses for their lack of emotion and empathy for anyone else. You can't trust a sociopath. People with feelings and if a thief or other people don't find excuses to conceal them when they're in a relationship. You really need to face reality and know that this is what you're dealing with. It's no way to spend your life. It's not who you want to father your kids.
Gaeta Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 When you say he doesn't seem to understand why people feel the way they do it might simply be a game. Example: You're getting upset because he's late, he tells you he doesn't understand why you are so upset it's not a big deal he's just late 30 minutes. That is not a sociopath, that's someone manipulating you in believing your feelings aren't justified. Not being able to have a serious conversation with him could also be manipulation. My ex-husband was like this, it was a tactic to avoid important conversations because he knew he was guilty of neglecting our marriage but he didn't want to take responsibilities for his actions so he turned everything into a joke or would avoid serious topics at all cost. Let me tell you, it made our marriage extremely lonely and unhappy for me. All the love I had for him did not save our marriage. . 1
Doost Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 Does he have a bulletin board of newspaper clippings?
mortensorchid Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 Speaking as a sociopath myself, I can tell you that I have trained myself to never show emotion on my face so that I can keep people guessing as to what my true feeling is or is not. This comes from humiliations and people hurting me as a kid, I learned to not show it on my face around the general public. And I'm happy to keep people at bay with this, you need clinical detachment from others.
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