Angelita Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 I started an affair with a married man. I never told my Husband. He discovered the affair a year after it ended. To make a long story short, I was mean, in a fog, downright rude, said and did some horrible things. Most of it is saved on here if you want to read through it if you want. I was probably one of the worst WW on this site. I regret everything I did during that time. We tried to keep things together for a couple of weeks after Dday but my husband wasn’t ready or 100% sure he wanted to R. We (mostly him) decided to have a trial separation for 6 months and we would decide what to do after that. Now during the trial separation, I know he was seeing or at least talking to other girls. I know I had no right to say anything, so I kept my mouth shut. After the 4 months my husband asked if we could try to R. We been in R for the last 11 months. He treats me well, we have a comfortable relationship, although sometimes he does seem to withdraw from me and when he has his triggers he mostly takes out on me, but I know that’s probably normal for couples going through R. I know the whole R process hasn’t been easy for him, so I’m very grateful for the chance he’s given me. For the most part R is going OK. I have had some nagging suspicions about my husband cheating for the last 3 months, but I think I may have been trying hard to avoid the "writing on the wall." First his decrease in his desire for sex, although every night in bed he gives me a back rub and cuddle until we fall asleep. He also for the first time in our relationship he stared to turn me down for sex. At first, I attributed to his preoccupation with running his businesses, the stress that went with it and the fact that he’s getting older. Last month he asked me to look through is email to find the email address for one of his employees. While looking through his email fond a survey from a hotel that’s about one hour away from here. It was requesting he answer some questions regarding his stay on a Thursday in June. I know for a fact he was home the night it stated, but he had been "at his office" for a while that day. All of that plus the way he’s acting is just like how I did while I was having my affair. I cannot stop thinking about it its making me ill am I being unfair or is he lying. I don't know what to believe, is he here out of a sense of duty and because we have a child together. I just don't know and its driving me insane, I have been checking his computer and there is no evidence that he has been communicating with anyone, but he could just be covering his tracks and using yet another email address that he is accessing from his phone and if so what is he playing at. Just needed to get things off my chest I have no one to talk to and bounce things off. I don’t want to involve friends or family yet without knowing the true. 1
carhill Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 For discussion purposes, presume he's having an affair. Where does that leave the marriage? I dealt with this as a third party with a MW recently, their timeline was she was first, then he had a couple and lately sex has been off the table for him, she's frustrated about that and lack of affection and was thinking about separating. I told her that in my opinion the pivotal matter is both of them getting beyond their affairs. Else, long marriage, decades, great family life with adult children, successful, healthy, relatively young. Still, if they can't put their affairs in the past and grow the marital bond close in the present, it ain't gonna work. Infidelity is one of those marriage breakers that's hard to get past for some people. Unknown if you and your H can get past it. Could your past affair be coloring your perception of present goings-on? Possibly! I'd even trend that to likely. If you want to know for sure, technology can help. A keylogger, VAR, GPS tracker, etc can all verify or refute your suspicions. I'd only look at that kind of stuff if I was sure I wanted to try to get past this affair stuff. If not, end the M and move on. All the machinations aren't worth it IMO. However, I'm not a lifestyle person where lifestyle exceeds my desire for personal health. YMMV>
Buckeye2 Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 He also for the first time in our relationship he stared to turn me down for sex. At first, I attributed to his preoccupation with running his businesses, the stress that went with it and the fact that he’s getting older. Another factor could be that sex with you isn't as special as it once was. 5
40somethingGuy Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 Another factor could be that sex with you isn't as special as it once was. I think this is a big part of it. The husband likely feels the OP is tainted. You cannot un-ring a bell. He wishes it never happened but knows it did and is forever tainted. Doesn't feel hate rather betrayal and probably is having a revenge affair. I think it is hard for any man not to consider this when the person he loved as his own betrayed and lied continuously. Did you spill the whole truth on what happened in your A? Did you admit to many times meeting the OM for sex? To what degree did you tell all or did you withhold?
Striver Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 You say you are grateful for a second chance. How are you showing it? You should be bending over backward to be a new, better wife. I don't see any of that in your post. You mention he is treating you well. How lucky for you. If he is cheating, he is trying to gain a measure of power and self respect back from three years of you engaging in a double dip affair and lying to a MC about it. In his mind you had your fun, bonding affair, lied about it, and paid no penalty. Marriage intact. If he is cheating, he is hurting you the way you hurt him. If he is cheating, he also probably figures he has little to lose at this point. He wants to cheat on you before you cheat on him again or walk away. He'd better get his revenge while he can. If he is cheating, and you want to save your marriage, you have to chalk this up to collateral damage. You brought it on yourself. 1
Author Angelita Posted August 2, 2018 Author Posted August 2, 2018 For discussion purposes, presume he's having an affair. Where does that leave the marriage? I dealt with this as a third party with a MW recently, their timeline was she was first, then he had a couple and lately sex has been off the table for him, she's frustrated about that and lack of affection and was thinking about separating. I told her that in my opinion the pivotal matter is both of them getting beyond their affairs. Else, long marriage, decades, great family life with adult children, successful, healthy, relatively young. Still, if they can't put their affairs in the past and grow the marital bond close in the present, it ain't gonna work. Infidelity is one of those marriage breakers that's hard to get past for some people. Unknown if you and your H can get past it. Could your past affair be coloring your perception of present goings-on? Possibly! I'd even trend that to likely. If you want to know for sure, technology can help. A keylogger, VAR, GPS tracker, etc can all verify or refute your suspicions. I'd only look at that kind of stuff if I was sure I wanted to try to get past this affair stuff. If not, end the M and move on. All the machinations aren't worth it IMO. However, I'm not a lifestyle person where lifestyle exceeds my desire for personal health. YMMV> I would still like to save our marriage if possible, I think we could real have something special again. I know we can get pass this. I still have a lot love for him, I want us to add to our little family, grow old together and to be an example of what a marriage should be for our daughter. If he real is having an affair the question becomes does he want his marriage as much as I do. Plus, what kind of marriage does he want. The answer to those questions scare me. It could be, but I just see to many red flags. I hope this is all in my head that would be the best case scenario. It becomes more of a my issue than a marriage issue. I can’t speak for him but for me it has more to do with love and what we could be more than lifestyle we share. I believe he does too. I’ve put him through a lot over the last couple of years and for him to still be here shows he still loves me to some extent.
BluesPower Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 I would still like to save our marriage if possible, I think we could real have something special again. I know we can get pass this. I still have a lot love for him, I want us to add to our little family, grow old together and to be an example of what a marriage should be for our daughter. If he real is having an affair the question becomes does he want his marriage as much as I do. Plus, what kind of marriage does he want. The answer to those questions scare me. It could be, but I just see to many red flags. I hope this is all in my head that would be the best case scenario. It becomes more of a my issue than a marriage issue. I can’t speak for him but for me it has more to do with love and what we could be more than lifestyle we share. I believe he does too. I’ve put him through a lot over the last couple of years and for him to still be here shows he still loves me to some extent. I don't mean to be hurtful... but let me see if I understand. You had a three year affair, is that right? And you are worried that he is banging someone on the side? I have no idea what your separation was like, but let me ask... 1) Did you speak to your OM even one time during the separation? 2) Did you see others at all in any way? The evidence the you found could be damning, I am not prepared to say the he is for sure cheating. But I have gotten those emails before, and it was because I was with a woman, so who knows. But like others have asked? What would this mean? And, if he is cheating, even with a "well deserved" revenge affair, shouldn't that be the end of the marriage? I really don't know how any actual man could ever get over a three year affair, ever... But why not actually sit him down and show him your evidence and just be honest. Such as, "I know that you were in a hotel on such and such day, I guess you are having a revenge affair. I just need to know if you really want to stay married to me or not? I understand that if you want to divorce for whatever reason, I know that I deserve it. But you sleeping around is not right either, so what do you want to do?" How about just being honest... 1
DKT3 Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 Hate to be that guy who says I told you so, but.. Back in 2014 I warned you of everything that is now happening. I told you affairs rarely go undiscovered. You thought you were so smart and careful that he would never find out. I told you your husband would eventually seek out other women, to which you said he never would. I told you that you couldn't fix your marriage without putting all the issues on the table. Of course your husband has interest outside of you romantically, why wouldn't he? Of course he is there out of duty, I recall you talking about the bond he has with the daughter. The question is why would he not be interested in another woman? What can he have special enough with you to not want to connect with someone else? I'm not trying to be an a-hole, but really what did you expect? You cheated for three years, told your husband you didn't love him treated him horribly and you expect him to do what? Be loving and desire you? 3
Colin Grant Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 I started an affair with a married man. I never told my Husband. He discovered the affair a year after it ended. To make a long story short, I was mean, in a fog, downright rude, said and did some horrible things. Most of it is saved on here if you want to read through it if you want. I was probably one of the worst WW on this site. I regret everything I did during that time. We tried to keep things together for a couple of weeks after Dday but my husband wasn’t ready or 100% sure he wanted to R. We (mostly him) decided to have a trial separation for 6 months and we would decide what to do after that. Now during the trial separation, I know he was seeing or at least talking to other girls. I know I had no right to say anything, so I kept my mouth shut. After the 4 months my husband asked if we could try to R. We been in R for the last 11 months. He treats me well, we have a comfortable relationship, although sometimes he does seem to withdraw from me and when he has his triggers he mostly takes out on me, but I know that’s probably normal for couples going through R. I know the whole R process hasn’t been easy for him, so I’m very grateful for the chance he’s given me. For the most part R is going OK. I have had some nagging suspicions about my husband cheating for the last 3 months, but I think I may have been trying hard to avoid the "writing on the wall." First his decrease in his desire for sex, although every night in bed he gives me a back rub and cuddle until we fall asleep. He also for the first time in our relationship he stared to turn me down for sex. At first, I attributed to his preoccupation with running his businesses, the stress that went with it and the fact that he’s getting older. Last month he asked me to look through is email to find the email address for one of his employees. While looking through his email fond a survey from a hotel that’s about one hour away from here. It was requesting he answer some questions regarding his stay on a Thursday in June. I know for a fact he was home the night it stated, but he had been "at his office" for a while that day. All of that plus the way he’s acting is just like how I did while I was having my affair. I cannot stop thinking about it its making me ill am I being unfair or is he lying. I don't know what to believe, is he here out of a sense of duty and because we have a child together. I just don't know and its driving me insane, I have been checking his computer and there is no evidence that he has been communicating with anyone, but he could just be covering his tracks and using yet another email address that he is accessing from his phone and if so what is he playing at. Just needed to get things off my chest I have no one to talk to and bounce things off. I don’t want to involve friends or family yet without knowing the true. I suggest not labeling it as a revenge affair and consider the fact that it could very well be a relationship. Although you have reconciled with your husband, I'm 99.999% sure he doesn't hold you on the same pedestal he once did. You yourself said not only did you disrespect him by having a boyfriend with whom you connected with on a very intimate level, you further disrespected him by treating him bad and telling him you were no longer in love with him. How much can a man take and return to where he once was. Giving one's heart away to another individual is risky, but is risk worth taking, as that's the essence of love and romance. It's possible, you do not have his entire heart and may never regain it fully, as the risk is much higher considering your track record. It's possible, he wants to feel for someone else, what he once felt for you. I didn't follow your story, but unless the energy you put forth in your return to him, was equal to well beyond the effort you put into the affair, he's probably not healed yet. Affairs for BH instills a pain of emasculation and humiliation that is not even adequately describable. Can't tell you the significance of this. ------------------------------------ What he's trying to heal from. Your quotes Husband: He isn’t physically or verbally abusive, controlling or manipulative he has never anything to hurt me in that sense. Your thoughts of your husband; I get what most of you are saying I know my husband a great guy but he doesn't get like the other guy does anymore. We lost it and idt we can get back. We tried it for awhile and nothin happened. I still love him I just don't know or believe we could save your marriage anymore. So much as gone wrong that it seems impossible to fix it now. My other guy made them known to us. He helped realize how bad things had gotten between us. My hubby is a great guy trust me I know he is idt he's the right one for anymore. Things between us aren't the same as they used 2b. The passion, fire and the spark it's gone and I can't seem to get it back. ------------------------- Your quoted once as saying he treats you like a queen. It got him nowhere. I'm not trying to conjure up history to make you feel bad, just get you to put yourself in his shoes and see the relationship from a different angle. His "friend" possibly treats him like a king. It's possible that while you once loved him and is no longer in love with him (per your previous posts) I'm here to tell you he can feel that you may not be in love with him. It's very possible that because of his lingering pain he may not allow himself to be in love with you again, as that means giving you his heart and he can't do that very easily as he was once a great husband yet that meant nothing to you as you had an affair. Some men and women, actually want to love again, but can't with the one that hurt them so badly. Which brings me back to my original statement, where you might not want to assume that it's a revenge affair. It could be a relationship which was a result of your affair, not caused by your affair. A woman who loves and adores him without the baggage is probably a real vacation for him. You just have to hope his vacation rental doesn't become a year round residence for him. I hope this provides you some insight and you can use it moving forward. I had to be candid in order to get you to digest the emotion and below the surface dynamics possibly behind his affair, fling or relationship. 2
MidnightBlue1980 Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 Last month he asked me to look through is email to find the email address for one of his employees. While looking through his email fond a survey from a hotel that’s about one hour away from here. It was requesting he answer some questions regarding his stay on a Thursday in June. I know for a fact he was home the night it stated, but he had been "at his office" for a while that day. All of that plus the way he’s acting is just like how I did while I was having my affair. He may have asked you to look at his email so you could discover his affair, whether on purpose or subconsciously. That is how I discovered my husband's affair. Like you I also was having an A. It can be a cry for help. Since you both are equally guilty here, I'd be honest and see what he wants out of your marriage. How do you feel about him possibly having an affair? Can you forgive and move on, as he did?
Colin Grant Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 (edited) Meant to add to previous post, but lost it. Here goes.......... Both you and your husband are aware of how you treated him during your affair. He was second fiddle for three years. Not only did he not know he was being cheated on, but was being treated badly to boot as your best was offered up to your AP. His thoughts are mainly about this fact and the mind movies that accompany them....... The sex scenes are in HD for him. He sees everything and if it's not been discussed already, the ghost of your lover standing in the doorway of your bedroom is what's possibly in your husband's mind when you're intimate with him. It'll take a while for this to be overcome. This brings me to now. For your affair, here's what happens after discovery. Your husband laid up many a night, putting 2 and 2 together. He pieced together moments of which you looked good, smelled good, placed significant effort into moments of which you were preparing to be with the guy that replaced him. He was replaced. He knows it, but you may or may not believe it, but he knows. Your husband's thinking is your lovers unavailability is why you two are even together. If he was single, you'd be gone. You know it, I know it and your husband knows it. He had no control over how the rest of his life was going to play out and only happenstance (lover ended it) is what lead him to being in the house with you. People act like men enjoy working 60,70 hours or so. They HATE IT. They'd rather be with there wives and family. You were dissatisfied with his hours, but he's an honest man trying to make a living for you and his family. Work hours are often if not mostly decided by he company and position, not the person. You ever think he'd LOVE it if you were supportive of him not liking his hours? He may have had the same issues you had, but remained faithful. People assume the spouse that was unfaithful was the one hurting the most. Not true. The one that was unfaithful was the one that decided to assuage there pain with superficial love because of lack of integrity and faithfulness to there spouse. Period. The BS are often as frustrated as the WS, with the only difference being they chose to not cheat. Let's put it this way. It's a cruel thought, but I'm highly confident your husband has thought of many things, including these two thoughts. 1) If her lover was divorced and available, my daughter could possibly have been her lover's step daughter. Not only replaced as a husband, but replaced 50% as a father. 2) My wife's lover controlled my future with here and I had know idea my she had these options and I was kept clueless. My life in other's hands. How you can make amends to all of this? ............. If you were slim and fit during the affair, you should not be pudgy and soft for your husband. He notices even if he says nothing. If you were edgy and moody during the affair, give him happiness and pleasantry. If you wore black seam stockings when going out with your lover (your husband knows when the sessions occurred and how you looked) and are wearing coffee colored stockings and half inch heels for hour husband, he's noticing this. Having sex for 3 years with someone else was probably really good. Don't insult him by saying it wasn't. He's assuming it was and that you jumped through hoops for your lover. You need to jump through and over hoops for your husband. If you took your lover to the Morton's steakhouse for your affair anniversaries or special dates, don't take your husband to Apple B's. If you polished off your lover the moment you got in the door, (or before!!!!!!!) do the same to husband. If you wore nighties for your lover, don't wear flannel pj's on nights when intimacy is on the docket. If you never turned your boyfriend down and sought to please him in every way, husband should be treated like royalty. After all, this is how you said he treated you. All points above and more are building blocks for him recovering his pride and restoring himself from the tear down caused by the emasculation. Much like a building needing rehabbed, so too does your husband, brick by brick. You tore him down and he needs help in rebuilding. The relevance to this is, if you're not doing it, another person might be and that might be the reason for the affair. He feels good and is getting stronger. It's possible some woman is giving him the same passion you gave your AP. Step in and replace her passion with passion of your own before you get replaced. If you do not feel 'in love' enough to raise him to the level of which you had your lover or even higher, reconsider the reconciliation really, really hard. Your husband could want something as simple as being loved, as he loved you and you loved your AP. He may want some of what you two had for himself. Of the three, (you,him and boyfriend) he's probably the most deserved. Good faithful men are good catches. If you haven't re-caught your husband, it opens the door for someone who appreciates him more and he sees and feels it. He might feel your warmth, but does he feel your love? He might see himself as a good husband, but does he see you seeing him as a lover? It feels good to be loved and to be someone's lover or potential one. Ask yourself, are you this for him or are you a reconciling wife who wants things to get back to what they used to be, which according to you was really good for you, but not too good for him. He might be feeling good for the first time in a long time. If you are REALLY grateful for another chance, think really strong if you want him and if you do, act like it. Edited August 2, 2018 by Colin Grant 2
NotCamelot Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 How you can make amends to all of this? ............. If you were slim and fit during the affair, you should not be pudgy and soft for your husband. He notices even if he says nothing. If you were edgy and moody during the affair, give him happiness and pleasantry. If you wore black seam stockings when going out with your lover (your husband knows when the sessions occurred and how you looked) and are wearing coffee colored stockings and half inch heels for hour husband, he's noticing this. Having sex for 3 years with someone else was probably really good. Don't insult him by saying it wasn't. He's assuming it was and that you jumped through hoops for your lover. You need to jump through and over hoops for your husband. If you took your lover to the Morton's steakhouse for your affair anniversaries or special dates, don't take your husband to Apple B's. If you polished off your lover the moment you got in the door, (or before!!!!!!!) do the same to husband. If you wore nighties for your lover, don't wear flannel pj's on nights when intimacy is on the docket. If you never turned your boyfriend down and sought to please him in every way, husband should be treated like royalty. After all, this is how you said he treated you. This nails it if you want to have any chance of holding him. I was a BS - I can tell you for 100% fact. After the R began, my W held to that kind of behaviour, and still does. I can also tell you this, if she had not, I would have been gone. He needs to feel that you think he is the best thing ever. He needs to feel like you crave him. He needs to know that you think about him constantly. He needs to feel like he is your sexual God. He needs you to make him feel like there is no one on earth that could ever compare to him. If you don't or can't do this, don't expect to keep him. Love endures all things. That is true. But, if he doesn't feel it, it won't matter.
stillafool Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 Another factor could be that sex with you isn't as special as it once was. I agree and I wouldn't be surprised if it's this and a revenge affair. A lot of husbands just do not feel the same way about the wife after reconciliation even if they wanted it. I don't think I'd go back with my husband if I had an affair. I'm sure he would treat me different than before.
DKT3 Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 I agree and I wouldn't be surprised if it's this and a revenge affair. A lot of husbands just do not feel the same way about the wife after reconciliation even if they wanted it. I don't think I'd go back with my husband if I had an affair. I'm sure he would treat me different than before. I think this is correct, but maybe not all that negative. So many men have unrealistic expectations of wives. I really struggled with viewing my wife as I once did early on. Whenever I looked at her it was this mixture of anger, sadness, disappointment and some time disgust. One of the things that always stuck me with OP s story is how she expected her husband to win her back with romance while she was neck deep. That along with dragging him to MC to discuss the marriage issues aka what he was doing wrong. All of that would be very difficult to handle once the affair came out. While I dont agree with cheating, it's hard for me to understand why she is shocked. Like I said why would he not? It a quick easy ego boost and way to reclaim your manhood...Any and every man who has been cheated on gets that. 2
Dreamer2017 Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 Dear Angelita, Do you have actual proof that your husband is having an affair? I believe a lot of your lack of trust in him is because of your affair and the damage you have done. Take a step back and do the work you need to improve yourself. Dreamer 1
GoldenR Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 I imagine hes still angry at being drug to MC and being told the marriage was failing bc he wasn't a good husband, all the while you're in an A before, during and after MC. That would be hard for anyone to get over.
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 I don’t know that it’s realistic to expect this marriage to go the distance. There is just way too much water under this bridge...
Jamess1 Posted August 5, 2018 Posted August 5, 2018 Why didn't he divorce you, maybe he didn't to separate with the kids, I hope he has found somebody else and is happy and in love, and is just staying with you for the kids, if is having an affair let him have one, he deserves it..you are no longer a wife - 3 year affair - even girlfriends don't do that - but if you find out and you are not cool with it, he can just divorce u and fight for custody for the kids..and then really get to start afresh. There is no marriage to talk about anymore, he is just doubting, but the sooner he realizes it's over the better and faster he can rebuild his life again
Simple Logic Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 Why didn't he divorce you, maybe he didn't to separate with the kids, I hope he has found somebody else and is happy and in love, and is just staying with you for the kids, if is having an affair let him have one, he deserves it..you are no longer a wife - 3 year affair - even girlfriends don't do that - but if you find out and you are not cool with it, he can just divorce u and fight for custody for the kids..and then really get to start afresh. There is no marriage to talk about anymore, he is just doubting, but the sooner he realizes it's over the better and faster he can rebuild his life again Man, it must be nice to be able to read the minds of people you have never met and know what they want.
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