Luvs2much Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 I finally took the plunge and got back Into the dating game..it lasted briefly, only 2 months(I'm 36 he's 41) I met this real awesome guy on a dating website. We clicked from the moment we started chatting and We went out a few times, hung out about twice a week when we could. We spent a bit of time getting to know each other but after a bit I didn't feel the connection like a potential boyfriend, I didn't feel attracted to him. He's not ugly, his features weren't a problem I just didn't feel the spark..it was opposite for him, he was super attracted to me but to me it felt like he was rushing into things a little. Throught trying to get to know him better I noticed he wasn't over an ex he was with for a few years, he had barely been single 8 months when we met. All those little things made me feel like continuing wouldnt be a good idea, it wouldn't be fair to him. I felt like crap having to confess how I felt but I did communicate to him a few times before we ended that I felt he was still hurt and maybe rushing things and that it was scaring me off. I feel horrible, I havent ended things with someone since my ex relationship 2 years ago so I'm flooding with old emotions and guilt for having let a good guy go but I know I had to let him go, I wasn't going to continue dating him just to see if the spark ever lit..it's not fair to him. But I still feel like **** ugh...has anyone ever dated briefly but still felt some kind of way about it?
Kelliousme Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 Yup. I've dated a few very nice men in my life but the feeling is just not there. I felt no attraction towards them. It made me feel so guilty for being with them because I can't force myself to develop any attraction and so upsetting that I have to let a "nice" guy go. It is one of the worst feelings. OP, you did the absolutely right thing just like I did . Not only is it not fair for him, it's also not fair to your own feelings as well. No matter how nice he is to you, if you don't have feelings or attraction towards that person, the relationship will only make you unhappy and leave you unsatisfied. 1
smackie9 Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 I have been there too. I came to realize if there isn't a spark/good chemistry on that first date, it ain't happening. I may get flack for saying that but it's true. I tried many times to "give it a chance"...all I ended up doing is hurting that person...a few really bad.
Gaeta Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 You gave it your best. When we start dating someone our feelings should escalate each time we see them. If there is no progress in the way you feel about him after 4-5 dates then there is no point continuing.
nospam99 Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 Ladies, you're scaring this guy. Especially when you say something like 'had to let a nice guy go'. You know how paranoid about our 'niceness' us guys who think of ourselves as 'nice' already are. I'm staying in the game. But this kind of thread is a major downer.
Gaeta Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 Ladies, you're scaring this guy. Especially when you say something like 'had to let a nice guy go'. You know how paranoid about our 'niceness' us guys who think of ourselves as 'nice' already are. I'm staying in the game. But this kind of thread is a major downer. What should we be saying? If you don't feel it after 2 months it doesn't matter how nice the guy is, if the feeling is not growing it's not meant to be.
smackie9 Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 (edited) Hey it's not like we weren't ever rejected. There had been guys I really liked, even one I dated for a few months and they told me they didn't "feel it" . So it goes both ways. women think and see things more with their emotions...if we don't feel it, we don't feel it. hey there were times I wish I did. But I wasn't going to string the guy along. Edited August 1, 2018 by smackie9
Lotsgoingon Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 I'm not sure why you feel horrible. You say you wanted to end things because the lack of spark you felt was unfair to him. So true. Totally true. Partners deserve to have someone who is attracted to them. But dating without a spark is also unfair to you. Dating becomes strictly work and hard ... and you're always ending up where you started. You could have a great time for a weekend (forget briefly about the lack of spark) and then you're back to square one ... with the absence of deep attraction. Every step becomes work. Romance requires risk. Risk of hurt is inherent to romance. But you didn't cheat on him or betray him or point a gun at his head. So the normal way of feeling bad when someone feels hurt doesn't translate well to romance. In romance, it's actually more fair to do what you did (cut things off with someone you don't feel strongly for) than to continue faking it. And the hurt of romantic disappointment isn't the hurt of being rejected by a parent ... or being fired for the only job you have. It's not the hurt of unfair treatment--assuming no cheating, lying and violence, etc. So you didn't do anything wrong. The hurt he is feeling now will be part of his learning process. He may in fact learn from you and avoid getting into a relationship with someone he's not feeling the spark for.
Striver Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 Ladies, you're scaring this guy. Especially when you say something like 'had to let a nice guy go'. You know how paranoid about our 'niceness' us guys who think of ourselves as 'nice' already are. I'm staying in the game. But this kind of thread is a major downer. Niceness should never be a leading characteristic. What can I say. I'm a guy, and this goes for women too. Too nice is a turnoff. Get your BA, Masters, PHD in niceness, admire the diploma, then put it away. It is there when you need it, but you don't need to lead with it. Develop other facets of yourself.
Highndry Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 It's all well and good until you have no more suitors. Oh well, there's always cats and boxed wine.
Author Luvs2much Posted August 11, 2018 Author Posted August 11, 2018 Thank you all for the kind words and awesome advice. Ive had a chance to just mull things over these past few weeks. Ive spoken to people I trust and they tell me it's good to put distance. The last conversation I had with him I asked him for some space, I was feeling overwhelmed and began having my anxiety rear it's nasty friggin head. So he totally respected that and didn't contact me for a 3weeks. I had told him our last convo that I didn't feel like I could be the GF he wanted and we were cool. He said he didn't want to loose the friendship. That is when I asked him for some time. Today he txt me and I ignored his txt for a few hours due to the recent news of a family emergency (grandma) when he txt again he was polite and nice and said that he hoped I was ok, he appologized for having gotten a bit upset after I told him I felt he wasn't over things and was rushing. He went on to say he took the time as well to think about why he reacted the way he did and thought more about what I had said and felt. He appologized again and Said he doesn't feel ready for a relationship either but would like to stay friends. Hes not pushing it due to the current situation but giving me my space and damn I really appreciate him for doing that. Sorry for the long post guys..
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