4 month relationship over

[BB1986]

Hi all,

 

 

Just reaching out a bit here...I have recently been dumped by my girlfriend of 4 months, who I really felt a lot for and need to know any advice on how I approach things in the hope that she changes her mind.

We are both early 30s, both have children and hit it off from day one but have never integrated the kids which has limited our time together.

as we have work and children commitments it has been difficult for us to have real quality time together, but that has never prevented us having a healthy sex life and feeling very at ease together.

In the past month or so, things became strained, less contact, less flirtation so naturally I questioned what was wrong. Gradually over the past few weeks my gf has said she was doubting us, felt we didn't have a laugh and that it was more about sex. Each time we agreed to give things a go and try to invest more time, which has never materialised. After the latest agreement and spending the night together (which was just like normal, very close and felt normal) I then received a text later the following night to say she didn't feel we had a future together and felt the relationship was over. I've had a couple of short texts since saying it's over for her but as yet she hasn't blocked me, changed anything on social media or deleted me.

 

 

I must point out that she has been married before and has commented on not wanting to settle again, but then contradicting this. There haven't been any rows or disagreements and we're both pretty similar parents / from similar backgrounds so it has hit me quite hard as I felt we simply needed more time together. She also kept saying she couldn't imagine meeting my child and worried that this wasn't right to feel like that.

 

 

I really feel like it's unfinished business and want the chance to have some time together, have a laugh and see where things go (which she agreed she wanted recently). What now though, hope that by keeping my distance she starts to miss me and comes round wanting to give things a chance or do I resign myself to it being over and move on. It sucks as I really felt something could develop.

[PRW]

...I have recently been dumped by my girlfriend of 4 months,

4 months is not that long. A healthy situation doesn't normally become exclusive until the later part of the 2nd month.

 

The comments she made to you indicate that this was a classic case of a guy trying to "lock her down" faster than she wanted to. I'll venture to say that it was your suggestion to be "exclusive" and not hers but she went ahead and agreed to it [probably reluctantly].

 

has commented on not wanting to settle again, but then contradicting this

This one is a classic,...it is the number one comment women make to a guy that is over-pursuing.

 

Leave her alone, and let her come to you. It you pursue then you are toast. When she comes to you ask her when she is free to get together and make a date. When you get on the date absolutely no talk of the past situation, absolutely no talk of "where are we going", absolutely no talk of a "relationships" or labels. Just hang out, have fun, and nothing else. When she wants it to become something more she will tell you herself,...until then keep your mouth shut about it.

 

Until that happens (if it even does) date other women. Nothing will get their attention more than hearing that you were hanging out with another chick. But don't date for just that reason, date with the notion that you might actually find someone you want to keep.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I agree with the above post. Sounds like there is something between you but she has been having doubts and needs the space to think about it without the pressure (self-imposed or otherwise) of being involved in a relationship with you. I think sometimes you can't see the forest through the trees and need to take space. Also, sometimes people who are hesitant to commit again after a long term relationship will use the 'not ready to settle yet' line. I've heard that myself recently and sometimes I think it's because people get a little squirmy and uncomfortable when things start to accelerate. I don't know if you have been pushy, but going forward don't mention it/the relationship/labels, etc. again. She has clearly ended the relationship. Leave her alone, no need to reach out, or ask questions. You say that "I really feel like it's unfinished business and want the chance to have some time together, have a laugh and see where things go (which she agreed she wanted recently)." You are chasing. Don't try and convince her of anything, if she is having doubts let her sort out on her own. You can't stick around in the meantime hoping to change her mind. Accept and respect the way she feels. Unless she tells you otherwise, the relationship as it was is over.

 

Remain open to dating others, she has ended the relationship. If and when she were to ever change her mind, that is her decision. Don't wait or remain friends in the meantime.

[SevenCity]

Exactly what the above two posters said.

 

Chances are she won’t come back but if you chase you will kill any remote chance you may have.

[PRW]

I really feel like it's unfinished business and want the chance to have some time together

I should make a small comment here. There is no unfinished business. This is just your ego getting in the way. Guys don't like to lose. Rejection breeds obsession. You want to win, either by getting her to see you again, or if it is a final breakup you want to come out "on top" somehow, maybe have the "last word". Again, just ego getting in the way. This is probably because you invested too much into it emotionally sooner than you should have.

[CantTakeMySmile]

She also kept saying she couldn't imagine meeting my child and worried that this wasn't right to feel like that.

 

 

^^^ This is enough to resign yourself to move on.

[BB1986]

Thanks guys,

 

When I say unfinished business, I mean that my ex felt we didn't have enough fun or laughs, but in truth, she didn't make time like she did with friends to spend say a weekend with me, it was only ever a few hours here or there. Given the chance to have quality time together in sure we could've done so much more, as I've always been one for planning trips, having days out etc etc.

 

I had a bit of a laspe today and messaged my ex asking if we could try (the one thing we've never had is a lot of time together due to work and child commitments) but she replied and said she didn't think it would make any difference.

 

I just find it hard to accept, from how well aligned we were in terms of what we want and from how almost besotted she was with me at the start.

Even the night before she ended tbings by text she was cuddling up to me, and saying that she was willing to give this time so to suddenly end it completely just got me so hard.

 

I've been deleted from certain social media things but kept on fb and not blocked on any messaging. I would love to cling onto the hope that a week or 2 may make her miss what we had, even if that's just the passion we shared but guess my only chance is going no contact now?

[Gretchen12]

 

I must point out that she has been married before and has commented on not wanting to settle again, but then contradicting this.

 

 

She doesn't want to settle for you, or she doesn't want to settle down?

 

Both are ouchy, the former more so.

[BB1986]

Thanks guys for all the feedback, really does help...

 

PRW - I guess when I say unfinished business I mean that there were no fights, and I feel that if we had of had more time to spend with each other we could've had a lot of fun together, but this was more my ex gf unwilling to make time, or when she did it being very limited as if I was last option. She would then say she didn't feel we had much of a laugh together which made me feel a bit helpless as it would often just be a few hours, when we were both tired or at the end of the weekend which I kept trying to explain was not helping matters.

 

Her comments regarding not wanting to settle, I think were fairly generic in that she got used to being single for a year and found it hard to fit someone else into her life now, but she felt what we had wasn't something she wanted anymore. She said she felt it had been hard work for a few weeks and the spark had gone, which I understand as obviously with her sudden change in mood made me question things and probably come across as insecure. That said the passion was still there until the day before she ended it, even the same morning she was close to me and vowed to give things a go, before going to work and then finishing it later that night.

 

As things stand I replied to her last message last night where she basically said the above, asking if we were to give it time, strip away the seriousness (as we both agreed things moved way to fast (such was the passion / comfort level from the start), would she give it a go with a fair chance of spending time together. Although she read the message this morning, I have not heard anything since so really don't know what I should do as the last thing I want to do is come across as needy or desperate (despite feeling it!).

 

I just feel there could be a lot more for us to come, should we give it a chance and wonder if time apart will cause her to miss me in any way (we texted pretty much several times a day every day) and had a very healthy life in the bedroom even if it was only twice a week we saw each other. Surely she will come to miss certain aspects of that?

 

In the mean time, I read somewhere (and this was commented on by PRW) that getting back in the dating game can help. Funnily enough I met my current ex gf in the weeks after coming out of another relationship and it really did help to improve my feelings and confidence. Just not sure, while I feel maybe my ex will come round?

[CantTakeMySmile]

Thanks guys for all the feedback, really does help...

 

PRW - I guess when I say unfinished business I mean that there were no fights, and I feel that if we had of had more time to spend with each other we could've had a lot of fun together, but this was more my ex gf unwilling to make time, or when she did it being very limited as if I was last option. She would then say she didn't feel we had much of a laugh together which made me feel a bit helpless as it would often just be a few hours, when we were both tired or at the end of the weekend which I kept trying to explain was not helping matters.

 

Her comments regarding not wanting to settle, I think were fairly generic in that she got used to being single for a year and found it hard to fit someone else into her life now, but she felt what we had wasn't something she wanted anymore. She said she felt it had been hard work for a few weeks and the spark had gone, which I understand as obviously with her sudden change in mood made me question things and probably come across as insecure. That said the passion was still there until the day before she ended it, even the same morning she was close to me and vowed to give things a go, before going to work and then finishing it later that night.

 

As things stand I replied to her last message last night where she basically said the above, asking if we were to give it time, strip away the seriousness (as we both agreed things moved way to fast (such was the passion / comfort level from the start), would she give it a go with a fair chance of spending time together. Although she read the message this morning, I have not heard anything since so really don't know what I should do as the last thing I want to do is come across as needy or desperate (despite feeling it!).

 

I just feel there could be a lot more for us to come, should we give it a chance and wonder if time apart will cause her to miss me in any way (we texted pretty much several times a day every day) and had a very healthy life in the bedroom even if it was only twice a week we saw each other. Surely she will come to miss certain aspects of that?

 

In the mean time, I read somewhere (and this was commented on by PRW) that getting back in the dating game can help. Funnily enough I met my current ex gf in the weeks after coming out of another relationship and it really did help to improve my feelings and confidence. Just not sure, while I feel maybe my ex will come round?

 

 

 

 

You have already asked her what you wanted to know in a text this morning. What other options, besides waiting on a reply, are you considering? I can't think of any.

[BB1986]

So, my ex gf replied to say she didn't want to meet up when she gets back from vacation as she doesn't want it hanging over her or having to go through it again.

 

I replied to her saying if it's definitely over for her, and she never wants to give things a chance, maybe she could prove it by deleting me from any social media, blocking etc. She read the message but hasn't responded and as things stand still has me on everything with pics of us on her pages.

 

Trying to cling onto that being hope that she's not sure so have messaged her before she left wishing her a nice time and saying I would leave her to have time and space.

 

I guess all I can do now is play the waiting game? Surely if it was definitely done and dusted she would simply cut all ties and delete all pics (something she did with her ex husband)?

[CantTakeMySmile]

Please try to feel comfortable in the fact that she gave you 100 percent complete closure. Many do not receive this and it is a gift. You no longer have to wonder. She is done. You move on.

[Normm]

I replied to her saying if it's definitely over for her, and she never wants to give things a chance, maybe she could prove it by deleting me from any social media, blocking etc.

 

 

Sorry but this is really lame. Just let it go. Let HER go. Don't tell her what to do, she owes you nothing.

[SevenCity]

Please try to feel comfortable in the fact that she gave you 100 percent complete closure. Many do not receive this and it is a gift. You no longer have to wonder. She is done. You move on.

 

Not only is it done, it never really started.

 

The OP states she didn’t make time for him. That’s because he wasn’t important to her. Women who like you will clear their schedule for you, not give you the crumbs of the tail end of a weekend.

 

He will make a good bf for some girl, not this one though.

 

OP - the above quoted post is correct. She is completely done with you. It sucks, but it MUCH better being in the limbo of indecision that many of us have experienced. In time, you will be thankful for this.

 

The longer you wait, the longer this will hurt. Go out and find a new girl who is making more demands on your time than you have to give her.

[Whodatdog]

So, my ex gf replied to say she didn't want to meet up when she gets back from vacation as she doesn't want it hanging over her or having to go through it again.

 

I replied to her saying if it's definitely over for her, and she never wants to give things a chance, maybe she could prove it by deleting me from any social media, blocking etc. She read the message but hasn't responded and as things stand still has me on everything with pics of us on her pages.

 

Trying to cling onto that being hope that she's not sure so have messaged her before she left wishing her a nice time and saying I would leave her to have time and space.

 

I guess all I can do now is play the waiting game? Surely if it was definitely done and dusted she would simply cut all ties and delete all pics (something she did with her ex husband)?

 

She doesnt have to prove anything. Its not up to her to delete you from social media, its YOUR issue to block her and be done with it. She has no more interest in you, and probably hasnt for some time, which is why its easier for her to move on than it is for you. She's been done with this, you're just getting over it. Delete your social media and be done with it.

[BB1986]

Really appreciate your advice and guess it's just a bit of denial / clinging onto hope on my part. With regards to the social media side of things, I wouldn't normally get hung up over it but I remember her making a point about blocking out and deleting everything to do with her ex husband, even family pics despite it being her decision to end things. So with that in mind, surely she'd simply block / delete me as well if she was done with the relationship.

 

That said, it was only a week ago my ex gf admitted we hadn't spent enough time together or given it a fair crack so we were starting to plan a few things. She has mentioned previously that she's found it hard to fit everything in, in terms of work, friends, family and me so just feel may be she became overwhelmed and I was the easiest one to remove.

She's currently away with family for the week and we have exchanged a couple of texts, but she is replying to me, saying what she's got planned. Although the texts are quite short (we used to send essays) surely it's a decent sign, as she could quite easily ignore me and have nothing to do with me.

With regards to her feelings changing, it's only been the last few weeks where due to the doubts we stopped being easy Going, and our meet ups became a bit intense talking things over. The passion and same thinking never disappeared and I think she knows we want the same things and are very similar as parents. She also said in our last little chat "I would miss what we have together".

 

So, how do I play it this week...do I continue the friendly chat on text or do I go NC and see if she reaches out later in week? My trouble is, I find it hard to leave things and look for a quick fix so this is real tough.