Quokka Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 As the title says my girlfriend is on a trip to Alaska for another 9 days from today with Dad and tour group. We’ve been on and off dating for 4 years and in that time we’ve grown up together I was 16 when we met she was 17 we are now 21 and 22. In our past she has cheated on me multiples times and I cheated once with her only to get back at her. I never wanted to. This time is different and I could give you all the details but it really is different. Her parents love me, we’re in a relationship on Facebook, she’s acting differently (in a good way) we’ve decided to stop being trash with each other and be a healthy couple. It’s been 3 days since she’s been gone and there’s 9 more to go. She has been FaceTimeing me and calling me every day. She’s now moved to another part of Alaska and she doesn’t have phone service in this area (can confirm cause she hasn’t been active on any social media) her mom has also stated that she hasn’t heard from her as well. Guess I’m just anxious about her promiscuous past with me and also her not having service to talk to me. Any tips on how to trust one another or be more trusting because if I don’t, I’m going to go crazy, or look crazy. Thank you Quokka
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 (edited) She is with her Dad, OP. If you can't trust her when she's on holiday with him, of all people, this is dead in the water. Unfortunately, this is the consequence of staying with someone you know is a cheater. All you can do is hope she doesn't do it again, and be prepared to end this for good it she does. When was the last time she cheated on you? EDIT: Oh dear, this girl? OP, you have got to sometimes learn when to walk away and realize something is never going to work. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/658200-my-girlfriend-stressing-me-out-but-could-all-my-own-head Edited July 31, 2018 by ExpatInItaly
Author Quokka Posted July 31, 2018 Author Posted July 31, 2018 She is with her Dad, OP. If you can't trust her when she's on holiday with him, of all people, this is dead in the water. Unfortunately, this is the consequence of staying with someone you know is a cheater. All you can do is hope she doesn't do it again, and be prepared to end this for good it she does. When was the last time she cheated on you? EDIT: Oh dear, this girl? OP, you have got to sometimes learn when to walk away and realize something is never going to work. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/658200-my-girlfriend-stressing-me-out-but-could-all-my-own-head Yes it’s the same girl. Please go easy on me. It’s complicated and there’s a lot more to our relationship than what I put on here. I really do love her. I am in love with her and I do not want to walk away from her for those reasons since that last post we have made a huge amount of progress in our relationship. We’ve been working on us, trust, and ourselves. So it’s not as bad as it used to be. I believe we are growing up.
kendahke Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 (edited) You think she's having sex and her Dad is finding her guys or something? That's the way you make it sound. First things first: an "on again off again 4 year relationship" is about as "going nowhere" as they get. Then comes the vindictive cheating; now, she's automatically out there cheating on you because you can't track her electronically. Second: own that you wanted to cheat because if you didn't, you wouldn't have been horizontal with your underwear at your ankles. Third: a "relationship on facebook" doesn't mean anything. The relationship in real life is what has meaning. You need to just end this, get emotionally healthy and then get into something way more emotionally/romantically healthy. This isn't the relationship to deliver that. Her parents may "love" you, but they love her more and are looking out for her best interests, not yours. Your insecurity is going to destroy their good will if you don't get a grip on this. Edited July 31, 2018 by kendahke
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Yes it’s the same girl. Please go easy on me. It’s complicated and there’s a lot more to our relationship than what I put on here. I really do love her. I am in love with her and I do not want to walk away from her for those reasons since that last post we have made a huge amount of progress in our relationship. We’ve been working on us, trust, and ourselves. So it’s not as bad as it used to be. I believe we are growing up. Well, yes, there always is. It's inherent that what people post is only a snapshot of how things are in real life. Nobody's relationship is simple, but it's also usually not as complicated as people want to convince themselves, either. Sadly, this relationship is not likely to go the distance, for many reasons. Your respective ages, the resentment, the huge trust issues and overall immaturity all factor in as well. Your anxiety over her being off the grid for a few days with her Dad is a symptom of the much bigger problems. I'm assuming you've contacted her mom about this, since you said her mom also told you she hasn't heard from them. If that's the case, stop looking to Mom to soothe your anxiety. It isn't sustainable in the long run and really not appropriate. You chose to stay despite her very questionable past behaviour, so all you can do now is distract yourself while she is gone, and remind yourself why you stayed. If you're proven wrong and she winds up cheating again at some point (and I highly doubt it will happen when she's traveling with her old man) then you can't do anything about that right now either. Know where your boundaries are and dump her if forever if she pulls that malarkey again. 1
Els Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 I honestly don't think there's a way to make yourself trust someone who cheated on you multiple times, especially in only 4 years. Either you learn to cope with the feelings of mistrust/unease, or (and I highly recommend this) you cut your losses and leave.
d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 You just have to have faith. Trust is earned. Maybe this is teaching you that you don't fully trust this girl. All you can do is wait it out & see what happens. I agree that a tour with Dad seems like an unlikely place to score a hook up.
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Yes it’s the same girl. Please go easy on me. It’s complicated and there’s a lot more to our relationship than what I put on here. I really do love her. I am in love with her and I do not want to walk away from her for those reasons since that last post we have made a huge amount of progress in our relationship. We’ve been working on us, trust, and ourselves. So it’s not as bad as it used to be. I believe we are growing up. You mean since June 11th 2018 you've made a huge amount of progress. Unless someone has made progress over 1 year, you cannot call it progress. She is still in her probation period. If she cheats then she cheats, you cannot control it. This time around I hope it's the 100th time that will make you understand you don't love her but you suffer from emotional dependency.
smackie9 Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 You are being ridiculous. It's a father daughter trip for crying out loud. If you want this to be a healthy relationship, you need to shut it and trust her. 1
carhill Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Cool, vacation in Alaska. Bush planes to remote lakes come to mind. Great memories. Hope she's making some with her dad. IMO, at your ages, experiencing a wide variety of people would be a healthier idea than all this back and forth. Yeah, as members often opine here, young people make mistakes and then grow up to have healthy relationships. Most often that is not with the people they make mistakes with or regarding. I'd leave her to her vacation and see how things feel when she returns. If not a positive and happy you're back thing, on either side, then move on, meaning break up and date other people. That's all part of growing up. Every relationship, good or bad, teaches. Learn.
TheFinalWord Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 You claim this relationship has grown, but it doesn't appear that you trust her. I don't get why people continue in relationships with serial cheaters. But you will always have to look over your shoulder with this one.
carhill Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 I don't get why people continue in relationships with serial cheaters. I've seen it with older married people due to lifestyle and money and kids and social status stuff. Young people, unmarried, not cohabiting, no kids, yeah why bother? Tons of single people around at that age and relationships come and go. Young man, tear down that pedestal 1
PRW Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Guess I’m just anxious about her promiscuous past with me and also her not having service to talk to me. Any tips on how to trust one another or be more trusting because if I don’t, I’m going to go crazy, or look crazy. What is she gonna do? Cheat on you with a snowman? As insecure and fearful as you seem here, there is no way this is ever gonna work. She'd have to live in a virtual prison that you have created in your mind. I think you need to deal with your own personal demons concerning the fear and distrust first, and then start fresh with someone new.
PRW Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 I don't get why people continue in relationships with serial cheaters.Well it can be more complex than that. The cheaters always get all the blame but the other partner's behavor due to insecurities and their own personal trust issues can "drive" the other one to cheat, while the day-to-day life situation keeps them from just leaving rather than cheat. They may not be able to support themselves and have no family or friends to take them in,...yet living with the partner is also almost unbearable,...so the cheating begins because they need to get the attention and affection from somewhere. That kind of stuff happens all the time with domestic abuse.
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