so very lost and confused....

[sommersboy]

I've been with my girl for a year. Things ofcourse started out nice. Within 3 months we were living together and 8 months deep into the relationship were engaged. Now here is where it gets tricky...She moved out a couple of times AFTER the engagemnet saying she was confused and needed space to think. I gave it to her, when she came back, she said, I know I have a screwed up brain, and say and do things that are not right, but I also know I belong here. She has given me every mixed signal that you can think of. Whenever she moves back in, she says she is supposed to be here, I also tell her if you want out, leave niow before it gets worse. I have always given the choice to leave. 2 Weeks ago, she pulls this space thing again. she was gone for 2 weeks. Came home, said she wants to be here. Again the next day we had a conversation about her not wanting to be here, gave her the option th leave again, told her if she does not want it go,when I came home all the pictures were put back up, she took time to and effort to make it seem like she wanted to be here. Ofcourse seeing this I was so happy, figured the worst was behind us, and we would move on. 2 days later, she wakes up tells me she is not in love with me anymore, not attracted to me, not happy and wants out of the relationship. I was devastated. She has moved all her things out, gave back the ring and is acting like she hates me. I treated this girl like a princess. All her friends saw how well I took care of here. She admitted, she has never been treated like this, and at one point called me "I am like an angel that was sent to her". Gave her unconditional love, and supported her financially to a point. Whats with this girl??? Am I stupid to think she will be back? Is she just really confused and NEEDS space? I can't believe a girl who has said the things she has said to me, can just stop caring. Please, any advice ANYONE can give me is so worth it.

Totally in love....

[Art_Critic]

I can't believe a girl who has said the things she has said to me, can just stop caring.

 

She doesn't stop caring. But she knows it isn't going to work out and this is her way of being able to go thru with breaking up with you.

 

Only knowing someone for 3 months before you move in together really isn't enough time to get to know someone to find out if you are compatibale.

 

She is doing the mature and adult thing by moving out. You could be confused but she will need time all by herself to straighten herself up.

 

Where did she go when she moved out all the times she did ?

 

Does she have a house or apartment still ?

 

If she does it should show you that she wasn't sure enough about everything and sometimes people like to have the way out

[RecordProducer]

I treated this girl like a princess. All her friends saw how well I took care of here. She admitted, she has never been treated like this, and at one point called me "I am like an angel that was sent to her". Gave her unconditional love, and supported her financially to a point. Whats with this girl?

 

People often say that love is about giving, giving and giving. But that's not true. Receiving is just as vital to a relationship as giving is. While giving is essential to loving, the ability to receive is what makes us lovable. If you're a great giver, but a lousy receiver, then you may be able to love, but make it hard for yourself to be loved.

You have been led to believe that the more you give, the more you will be loved. So you are left wondering, If I show them how much I care by showering them with gifts, if I overwhelm them with my attention, if I smother them with my generosity, then how can they not love me back? Meanwhile, you are missing the real key to their heart - they want to feel needed.

 

As long as you are always giving without demanding anything in return, you have not allowed any space for her in your life. That is a one-way relationship, and they are not a real player in it. No wonder their feelings aren't developing! They don't just want you to be a giver, they want you to be a recipient of their love and care. They will grow attached to you when they feel they have an irreplaceable part to play in your life, that for you, life can't go on without them. For that, you have to expose your vulnerability and show that you really need them.

 

It can be scary to admit that we have needs, and for many it is far easier to give than to receive. When I give, I am in control, I am calling the shots. But being on the receiving end is to let go of the reins, to concede that I haven't got it all worked out, I have needs and weaknesses, flaws and dependencies. But that is exactly what a relationship is - a healthy interdependence. And that's when you become open to be loved - when you show your dependence.

 

And no one is so perfect that they don't need anyone to fulfil them. You have already mastered the art of giving, now learn how to receive. Tell them how lost you are without them, how lonely you are when they aren't around, how much they mean to you, how their support and encouragement is what keeps you going. Have the strength to express your weakness. The minute you open that space within yourself, you become lovable."

[slimjim]

i have been in the same boat as you, with a girl who i finally concluded was just using me. I , too, did everythig for her, both in time and money. I sacrificed a lot for her, but never felt that she was reciprocating. I finally ended it with her, after she began being on and off. it seemed the "on" was when she needed something. She also gave me the speil about being "the one" and all that, but i was the one that was unsure, and wanted to know her a lot better since this was a semi LDR.

 

What i found out was that she was on different drugs for depression, and they can make people do some weird things. She often used depression as a crutch when she failed at something, and I later learned that when dealing with people such as this, that you can never fix them or pull them out of the hole that they will occasionally fall into...they will just pull you down with them. Maybe your girl is like this, and if she is, believe me , you are better off ending this and this type of behavior will continue. there are websites for the victims of depressives that will say the same thing. what all the psychobabble boils down to , is that she's an a...hole, and just leave it at that. Its a simple diagnosis, and is appropriate more times than not. If it was right, you wouldnt be on here writing.

 

I gave the girl i was seeing a lot of benefits of the doubt and had patience with her that i have with no one. She gave lip service to all my good deeds, and I nearly remodeled an old house for her, with my labor and money. To talk to her was to think that she had the worst life and job on the planet, and she had a knack for generating sympathy. Looking back, it was my fault for not dumping this wench earlier.

 

You can analyze this all you want, but the fact remains that you are beating a dead horse if she comes and goes at a whim. RP says that you dont know how to recieve, and you are "not lovable"...... regardless , its always the guys fault. If you give everything, you dont know how to receive, and they dont feel "needed". And if you continually give and seem not to need anything, then you are also needy because you have this need of being in control and smothering someone...... if you make demands, you're a demanding "a..hole" and dont consider their feelings in the relationship.... if you give in and appear needy, then she thinks your a "needy wimp", and what she wants is a "protector and provider"....etc.etc. ad naueseum........ its a no- win. There is psychopablum for every situation you can be in. IT's ALWAYS YOUR FAULT!

 

AC talks about she is being adult in moving out....in my book, an real adult wouldnt be playing musical chairs with your house or your heart---on one minute and off the next. If she's unsure, just tell you that and go on.

 

Just dump this thing and find another that will accept you as you are. And I mean NC dump--just rehashing the same old junk is counterproductive and a waste of your time.

 

Its difficult to recieve when the other side doesnt give...it has to be a 2 way street. Obviously, you have run into what i did---a taker and not a giver. Some describe love as a bank, where both sides have to make deposits to the account. If the balance is not shared, there are problems. Even if they are unable to give much, someone decent would at least make the offer or effort. Thats usually all it takes, which can be next to nothing if people really love one another.

 

dont eat your guts out over this, because I can tell you by experience thats it not worth it. You have done nothing wrong, and she might realize what she gave up sometime in the future. Just throw another bullet in the chamber, and eventually the right one will be there. You will meet someone who has some self esteem, appreciates you for being you, will realize your "needs and defienciencies" without requiring you to grovel for her, or jump thru some hoops specified by Cosmo or People or some relationship guru somewhere. You will know when its right, and will find it someday. I have. later

[sommersboy]

What I will disagree with you on, is I don't allow myself to be loved. I am very cappable of accepting somebodys love. She is the one that has the problem accepting "uncondtional" love from a person. She is 25 and I am her third live in boyfriend over the past 5 years. Every relationship of hers ends because of her, and her unwillingness to compromise in a relationship. It is always about her, in everything. Within the last 24 hours, I have said goodbye, let go of the pain, and now will give her all the space she wants. Thanks for your response.

[sommersboy]

I comp;etly agree with what you are saying!!! No she does not have an apartment. She always went back to her grandmothers house. If you don't kow something is going to work ou insidee of you, what kind of person plays with somebodys emotions like that. I am her 3rd live in boyfriend over the past 5 years, every one of her relationships ends because of her, or the other guys just kicking her to the curb because they can't deal with her craziness, so what kind of person drags something like this out??? We only got engaged 6 months ago!!! If she knows now how she feels, she definatley knew she was having doubts before the engagement. I might never understand, but I do thank you for your words.

[slimjim]

hey man. dont beat yourself up over this. i have been thru the exact same thing that you are going thru. I gave to this girl, who also has never had a successful relationship. I felt like she was using me, and i cut her loose, but it was my fault for wasting a lot of time on her. I think that i am a good person, and i really wanted to help this girl, and felt sorry for her. she had a way of making you feel very sorry for her, and to listen to her you go the impression that she had the worst job and life on the planet, yet she did nothing to change. she was counting on me to make her happy. thats too much of a burden to put on anyone, and she will probably never learn that its up to her to find her happiness, and then share it with others. also, her history is strewn with the same type of relationships, and she cannot or will not review them and even attempt to change. she just sets up for the same failures every time.

 

she is also a depressive on meds, which is a no win for a relationship. You will go thru a lifetime of these on and off periods if you stay with her. . its not really her fault, and you cant help her. but you derserve better, and dont need to crawl into her pit. Is your girl suffering from depression also??

 

You did the right thing by kicking her to the curb. the bull.s..t that RP gave you about not being "lovable" or receiving love is crap. the first rule is thats its always the guys fault. if you are demanding, your a demanding a..hole and dont care about her input. if you dont give, your selfish. if you do give, you might not make her feel needed. if you give too much, now you are needy and they really want a protector and provider, not a mama's boy. If you are a "good guy", then they want a bad boy. just forget all the psycho bull.sh.t and the cosmo pop psychology and just keep going. Trying to figure her out is to no avail and a total waste of time--she doesnt know what she wants, so how the hell will you know??

 

eventually you wil find the one thats right for you, and you will just know it. someone who appreciates you for who you are, and accepts you as yourself. Dont let her play musical chairs with your feelings, and you are absolutely correct that it will always be all about her. Dont mess with her again--total no contact---and move on. you will get by it and find the right one--- i did. good luck.