na27 Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 (edited) So, I'll just give a little summary and get into what I need advice/words on. I dated a guy for about 8 months and the relationship only got bad in the last two weeks. We had a tumultuous post-breakup, sometimes fighting, sometimes hooking up and expressing love, etc. He moved five hours away one weekend without telling me and I found out from his friends. It has been five months since the breakup and we have been in contact a few times, thanks to my stupid drunken texts or calls. This is not something I need coached on since I have stopped doing that, the last few times I've gotten drunk I made an effort not to contact and it has been a while since we actually have. Tonight, I had a warning from a mutual friend that I was going to be receiving a text from him. He told me he was going to be in town for a housewarming party of our newly engaged friends. This housewarming party has been planned for two months. I asked off work for that night and the next day. I also bought a gift for the party and have helped my friend in planning it and buying decorations. Now, I am stuck in a predicament. I do not want to miss this party for the above reasons, but my ex is for sure going and I know it would be the biggest setback. My ex is not a graceful, civil ex. He is someone who 100% would tell all of our friends with me there about whatever girl he is having sex with or brag about how many people he is seeing. And hearing that would break me and I would have to leave immediately and it would undoubtedly make a scene and make him happy. I've had exes that I found to be cold in the past, but this guy is something else. Even his own friends say he's emotionless and selfish. If I went to the party, he would go out of his way to hurt me and my close friend who I've helped plan the party with agreed. Has anyone been in a similar scenario? Even worse, we're both going to be in the wedding party and he is making the wedding toast. This is way down the road but it's something else I've been anxious about. Has anyone else on this site had an ex who is mutual friends with all your friends? Did you skip plans or brave it? The one thing I'm thankful for is I'm not in this situation as much as I was when he lived in the same city, but now it's coming back to me. Advice? Edited July 31, 2018 by na27
ThreeRainbows Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 (edited) Well. If it were me, I would just go, make absolutely minimal contact with the ex. Just go about my business. If he happens to be in the circle I'm talking with, make a smile, nothing more than a greeting and a how are you tops, and keep on doing my thing. Don't do anything like try to make him jealous. Don't make any scenes. Ignore any gossip about it - that kind of stuff is not mature behavior. Don't get involved with it. Otherwise stay home. Edited July 31, 2018 by ThreeRainbows
stillafool Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 I don't understand, if this guy is so abusive to you why were you texting him when drunk? I wouldn't expect a text from him because he would be blocked from reaching me. Why haven't you blocked him? All you can do is go to the party, if you want to, and ignore and stay away from him. 1
Author na27 Posted July 31, 2018 Author Posted July 31, 2018 Oh, no worries on that front. I would never attempt to make him jealous or anything like that. If I do go, I want to be super lowkey and more on the quiet side. Another thing is, there are nine or ten people going to this party so it is not a huge crowd and I feel like it will go how our usual hangouts go, with everyone in the same circle talking. So that will make it a lot more difficult to not be in any contact with him. Thank you for your input!
Author na27 Posted July 31, 2018 Author Posted July 31, 2018 The answer is simply because I'm impulsive and stupid and I'll be the first to admit that. It's still not good, but in my last relationship I would drunk call constantly and in this relationship I've only done it twice, which again to everyone is two times too many but it's actually a huge improvement for me. It's an issue I've been counseled for so thankfully it has gotten better and now the need to do it is completely passed. Also, he was not emotionally abusive until about a month or so post-breakup (and about two weeks before breakup) so I would never have considered blocking him. But you're completely right.
d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 You tell you work you will be in the next day. You go to the party. You arrive early. You give the gift. You congratulate the happy couple & you leave without having consumed any alcohol. If you are not drunk you can't do stupid things, like deal with him. If he is there when you are there you give him a tight smile & a nod but nothing else. You act like he doesn't matter & is almost invisible. You do not get involved in this sit around talking circle; you aren't strong enough. Don't torture yourself. As for the wedding party, you bow out now, when you can gracefully exit before people spend money. Explain to the bride that you are just not strong enough to deal with him. Obviously since he has a speaking roll, his relationship with the groom is stronger & deeper then your relationship with the bride. You send a nice gift & skip the wedding altogether. 1
Mrin Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 You tell you work you will be in the next day. You go to the party. You arrive early. You give the gift. You congratulate the happy couple & you leave without having consumed any alcohol. If you are not drunk you can't do stupid things, like deal with him. If he is there when you are there you give him a tight smile & a nod but nothing else. You act like he doesn't matter & is almost invisible. You do not get involved in this sit around talking circle; you aren't strong enough. Don't torture yourself. As for the wedding party, you bow out now, when you can gracefully exit before people spend money. Explain to the bride that you are just not strong enough to deal with him. Obviously since he has a speaking roll, his relationship with the groom is stronger & deeper then your relationship with the bride. You send a nice gift & skip the wedding altogether. This is spot on
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