hannahl9811 Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 For the past few months, I’ve been sporadically seeing a man who I genuinely like. We won’t really talk, then see each other once a month, then the process repeats. Emotionally, it’s taken a toll on me as all the advice I’d been given had led me to believe he didn’t actually feel anything towards me. I went to his apartment a week ago, he was drunk, and he went on a long tangent about how he thinks I have no interest in him because I never initiate conversation or plans to see each other. I am guilty of this for sure, but the only reason why I seldom reach out is because of the lack of response/interest on his end. He proceeded to tell me he’s deep in his feelings for me and that he wants to take me out and bring me around his friends but he won’t do that until I show him that I want him in my life. He made me promise to send him my work schedule and initiate plans. The whole night he was telling me about how much he misses me when he doesn’t see me and how alone he feels but when I’m around, he feels happy. He also told me he could treat me right if I gave him the chance and how he needs someone like me in his life. Fast forward two days. I send him my schedule, he tells me he’ll let me know what works for him. Haven’t heard from him since. I texted him asking what the deal was, he completely ignored me. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. This particular incident has made me so physically upset, I’ve wanted to develop a relationship with him for months and to have it just within my grasp only to be ignored hurts. Did he lie to me when he was drunk? Or is he just avoiding his feelings/what he told me that night? I need help lol. Do I confront him?
ThreeRainbows Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 He is very scared of his feelings. He cut them off; he couldn't let himself be that vulnerable. Proceed with caution. You have to be really secure to be able to love someone like this. And he will likely end it at some point. I am not sure if he will pick up the feelings again, but he might if you just stand still. Respond to his initiatives, but don't push, no matter how confusing he is. Whatever you do, don't emotionally react in front of him, or he will withdraw more. He has the avoidant attachment style.
olivetree Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 What three rainbows said. I think this will be a long road of heartache ahead if you continue to date him. Expect a lot of push/pull. Go find someone that isn't so afraid of love.
basil67 Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 When you asked him "what the deal was", were you accusing or aggressive in your manner? If so, it could explain his silence. However, if by asking what the deal was you meant "I asked him if he was available this weekend" then he's totally out of line.
LoverOfDance Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 What is it about him that makes you waste this much time and energy on him? Is he really good looking? What is it? I've encountered lots of men like this. Leave him and move on with your life. Believe me, he is not worth it. You are NOT the problem. The problem is with him. He is not ready for you and I doubt that he will be ready any time soon. Don't waste time on any man who doesn't make you feel good.
coolheadal Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 For the past few months, I’ve been sporadically seeing a man who I genuinely like. We won’t really talk, then see each other once a month, then the process repeats. Emotionally, it’s taken a toll on me as all the advice I’d been given had led me to believe he didn’t actually feel anything towards me. I went to his apartment a week ago, he was drunk, and he went on a long tangent about how he thinks I have no interest in him because I never initiate conversation or plans to see each other. I am guilty of this for sure, but the only reason why I seldom reach out is because of the lack of response/interest on his end. He proceeded to tell me he’s deep in his feelings for me and that he wants to take me out and bring me around his friends but he won’t do that until I show him that I want him in my life. He made me promise to send him my work schedule and initiate plans. The whole night he was telling me about how much he misses me when he doesn’t see me and how alone he feels but when I’m around, he feels happy. He also told me he could treat me right if I gave him the chance and how he needs someone like me in his life. Fast forward two days. I send him my schedule, he tells me he’ll let me know what works for him. Haven’t heard from him since. I texted him asking what the deal was, he completely ignored me. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. This particular incident has made me so physically upset, I’ve wanted to develop a relationship with him for months and to have it just within my grasp only to be ignored hurts. Did he lie to me when he was drunk? Or is he just avoiding his feelings/what he told me that night? I need help lol. Do I confront him? He told you how he felt about you not saying those words. We me expect very little form women. Most can't say I love you/In love with you and yet the expect the man to accept that. He got drunk over it and now he won't text you . I guess he figured your not into him like he was into you. So he called it off. Don't call or text him just not going to work with this guy.
Gretchen12 Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Not confront, but sure, talk to him. Why not ask to see him, have dinner together. Don't mention what he said while drunk, don't ask about the schedule thing. You like each other, so plan an evening together. If he doesn't text back right away, it's ok. I'd give him until the end of the week.
MaleIntuition Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 For the past few months, I’ve been sporadically seeing a man who I genuinely like. We won’t really talk, then see each other once a month, then the process repeats. Emotionally, it’s taken a toll on me as all the advice I’d been given had led me to believe he didn’t actually feel anything towards me. I went to his apartment a week ago, he was drunk, and he went on a long tangent about how he thinks I have no interest in him because I never initiate conversation or plans to see each other. I am guilty of this for sure, but the only reason why I seldom reach out is because of the lack of response/interest on his end. He proceeded to tell me he’s deep in his feelings for me and that he wants to take me out and bring me around his friends but he won’t do that until I show him that I want him in my life. He made me promise to send him my work schedule and initiate plans. The whole night he was telling me about how much he misses me when he doesn’t see me and how alone he feels but when I’m around, he feels happy. He also told me he could treat me right if I gave him the chance and how he needs someone like me in his life. Fast forward two days. I send him my schedule, he tells me he’ll let me know what works for him. Haven’t heard from him since. I texted him asking what the deal was, he completely ignored me. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. This particular incident has made me so physically upset, I’ve wanted to develop a relationship with him for months and to have it just within my grasp only to be ignored hurts. Did he lie to me when he was drunk? Or is he just avoiding his feelings/what he told me that night? I need help lol. Do I confront him? This sounds like two people playing dating games. The obvious irony is that dating advice to women and men are often darn similar: step back if they seem uninterested etc. But what happens if two people whom are interested in each other both are following such advice and playing hard-to-get/high-value? Nothing. Nothing at all.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Stop wasting your time with this guy. Seriously. This is far too much hassle for a guy you rarely even see. Whatever his reasons, this is not going to work out well. 1
bene Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 (edited) I don’t think being afraid of his feelings is a legitimate reason. Every time I see this explanation there’s a woman bending over backwards trying to figure out what the man is thinking with no effort from the guy. In general people go after good things that they’re drawn to. It’s in our nature. This is why we eat to much ice cream or stay up late to watch a movie. Keeping some sort of contact with people we’re interested in is natural. When you see each other sporadically he’s also taking a chance that meanwhile you might find someone else and apparently he’s OK with that possibility. One thing that stood out to me was that he’d treat you right when given a chance. He doesn’t need some special agreement to do that, he can start right away. He might even think theoretically that he needs someone like you in his life but for some reason he doesn’t really want that. I think you shouldn’t waste too much time on him, at least not have any hopes on the future. It doesn’t look like you’re fine just having a few drinks with him occasionally and nothing else. There is a danger of building some relationship in your mind and getting hung up on him if you continue this. Edited July 31, 2018 by bene 2
act00 Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 What stood out the most to me is when he said if you do this, then I will do that. Sorry, but no. He either wants to spend time with you or he doesn't. He makes the time to extend himself to you and take you out once a week or not. This weeks of silence and then a date once a month or less is not going to fly. There is no "if you", "then I will." The work schedule was merely an excuse. If you talk once in awhile and plan, schedules are just intermixed in the conversation. You did produce a schedule...like you're on a leash? Okay, I get it, he needs an ability to plan more...except he hasn't. You can easily say this goes both ways, because his weeks of absence not only causes you significant anxiety and pain, but it causes you to shut yourself off. You can't form a relationship and be vulnerable to someone who flits in and out so readily. You state you could be doing better in your actions towards him...look at the tools you have to work with. No, you are reacting to his behaviors; you are not at fault here. I see that you've reached out and you've tried, but you're met with crickets. There's only so much you can do. This is not a situation where you blame yourself. This relationship is shaky, and you simply can't allow yourself to get wrapped up in a guy who pulls a disappearing act on a regular basis. I did this for two years. I made the conscious decision to enjoy the time on a casual level as long as there was no one else in the picture. I continued dating other people...there was plenty of time where he wasn't around...and I lived my life. The guy was absent enough. He had a pattern. Three-four weeks, then disappear w/o a word for weeks. Reemerge, rinse and repeat. It causes some anxiety for sure, even though I had largely let go of any notion he and I would be a "thing." The thing is, this guy went and changed all the rules. Actually, true to form, he was pulling his disappearing act after 3 weeks...patterns, anyone?....but he sent me a rather hurtful email...what a princess, expecting the sun and the moon while disappearing for weeks at a time with no responses, no returned texts or calls...nada. Did I shut down a little? Sure. See, this is the "if you, then" routine...and it's self-preservation. Will this guy reemerge again? I don't know. Will I take the bait...I really hope not. Despite having shut off my feelings for him, it was still difficult, and I think I'm done. So take it as you will, OP, this guy is plain and simply not providing you with the relationship that you want, and this boy needs to step up to the plate. It's been months and he hasn't yet...you've "dated" for months. There is no "if you" for him...he had your attention and desire a long time ago, and he hasn't grasped it and made efforts. You get to pick now. "If he..." is where your head should be at. So far he hasn't. Move along.
LoverOfDance Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Girl, have you thought of the possibility that maybe in his drunk state he imagined you to be someone else? Maybe there's another girl and that girl is the one he has all these feelings for. It's a possibility, I think. My point is that you're listening to his words and not watching his actions. Don't ever do that. His actions are saying that he doesn't want you. It hurts but you have to pay attention so that you can prevent this guy from causing anymore pain and confusion in the future. 1
carhill Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Watch what people do when they're sober. Been around enough alcoholics to know that. Yeah, including women. It's sweet and all, I guess, the ramblings of the inebriated, but not reality. How does the process of once in awhile work? I recall the old days with these people they'd go dark and then, just when I'd almost forgotten their name, out of the blue they come with a new story and like nothing in the past mattered. In my case they were women and women, especially attractive ones, are masters of that game. It's not a game to them though, it's how they feel That's all that matters. The guys are chattel to service their feelings. The sobbing alcoholics were the worst. Anyway, IMO date other men and don't consider this guy a valid prospect unless/until his sober and everyday actions match up with what you want in a partner and, if this is a pattern, take a look in the mirror. 2
anika99 Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Why are you trying to have a relationship with a guy who is only interested in seeing you about once a month? What do you think he's doing the rest of the month? I'll tell you what he's doing. Dating other women. All this "he's just afraid of his feelings" stuff is just hogwash. Sure a person might be apprehensive or reserved but when they meet someone that they are truly smitten with they show it. They at least make an effort. This guy is just not that into you. Don't take it personally. He is dating other women and might even have someone he sees regularly. Your a back up. Forget what he said when he was drunk. I spent years with an alcoholic man and have alcoholics in my family. When I was young I liked getting drunk too. I'd babble all kinds of things when I was drunk. Most times the things I said were nonsense and I'd be embarrassed later. Don't waste anymore of your time or emotion on this guy.
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 The flip side of the last two comments is - why would you want to date a man who needs to be drunk in order to tell you how he feels (assuming what he said is what he is really feeling). I once had a friend who dated a guy who would only have sex with her when he was drunk. The whole time that they dated, she had never had sex when he was sober. I will say to you what I said to her - you deserve more than that. You deserve a guy who wants to be with you, makes his feelings known, and communicates with you consistently.
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