How To Not Take it Personally

[DontBreakEven]

I totally understand what you mean. Here's a little backstory of some of my OLD experiences.

 

<snip>

 

Thanks for this

 

It oddly helps hearing others' horror stories as well. Ha

Edited July 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ThreeRainbows]

I totally understand what you mean. Here's a little backstory of some of my OLD experiences.

 

<snip> The 4th guy that I met before my now-ex bf went out with me 3 times.

 

He seemed like a nice guy and the third date was movies at his place. He didn't flirt with me at all, seemed kind of bored from the start, told me "if you want something to drink or eat, there's a dep on the other side of the street"... While we laughed during that time and I was attempting to be a bit cuddly, I wasn't going to jump on him myself. After, he didn't even walk me to the bus stop and I never heard from him again.

 

I was really pissed off since I personally tell guys even after 1 date if I'm not into them, so I felt like 3 dates would merit just a polite: "Hey, not sure we'll jive, good luck though!" text message.

 

<snip>

 

 

Omg. He asked you out to "movies at his place" and didn't even have the decency to provide food and drinks?

 

 

What a loser!

Edited July 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[coolheadal]

I've been having an issue with OLD lately. Seriously everyone I've been matching with is fresh out of a relationship, and rebounding. The vast majority of them aren't even honest with themselves about it, and therefore essentially lie to me about their dating intentions.

 

But. Maybe it's just my forward and upfront ways. I question them. I do it because I used to not do it, and would get blindsided when they would stop talking to me. I'd take it personally and not know what was up. So now I just like to get it all out in the open. And here is what has happened probably 5 times in a row:

 

They meet me. We have a good date, but I do make sure to find out what the real story/timeline is with the recent ex. They tell me they are ready to move on. Sometimes we kiss, sometimes not. But either way it's always a good date. Next day, they are short in response with me and delete their dating apps. I give up and never hear from them again.

 

But one did call me a month later. And she told me the truth that she realized she wasn't anywhere ready to date and was lying to herself.

 

I don't know. I guess maybe I'm just setting myself up. Perhaps I should just not meet them at all once I know, no matter what they say. Because I am only human, and even though I cognitivally understand what is going on, I still get a self esteem ding and take it personally.

 

Don't take anyone who's not honest about dating you! Don't take those who have been rebound. You need to spend a week talking on phone. You really need to know who your talking with and get some sort of idea if you two are on the same page and can get along. Not everyone is perfect for each other. You got some bad dates there my friend! Why torture yourself like this?

[ElKay]

Thanks for this

 

It oddly helps hearing others' horror stories as well. Ha

Haha, any time! I have more horror stories that aren't related to ghosting someone after three dates, but I thought these were relevant to show that they're just not worth us sometimes.

Omg. He asked you out to "movies at his place" and didn't even have the decency to provide food and drinks?

 

 

What a loser!

 

Yeah! No food, drinks and no opening for even cuddles or anything. The ego of this guy if he thought I was going to do all of the "seducing". Right. Nah, boy...

 

By the way, I brought popcorn to his place and talked about it before, so it kind of felt like he would know to also think of something cool to either snack on or drink. I guess assumptions don't help anyone! xD

[olivetree]

OP, just wanted to reinforce the notion that it's likely not about you at all.

I've gone on dates when I wasn't ready, and even thought "what if" after I'd had to end one of them.

So your emotionally unavailable dates can see good things in you and appreciate who you are to an extent, and they might even think about you later if there was a connection there.

 

It sucks it keeps happening but it's good you find out after the first date rather than getting attached and then having things end abruptly.

[DontBreakEven]

OP, just wanted to reinforce the notion that it's likely not about you at all.

I've gone on dates when I wasn't ready, and even thought "what if" after I'd had to end one of them.

So your emotionally unavailable dates can see good things in you and appreciate who you are to an extent, and they might even think about you later if there was a connection there.

 

It sucks it keeps happening but it's good you find out after the first date rather than getting attached and then having things end abruptly.

 

Awe thank you. And ya know, I should be able to tell myself the same. I've actually been in the situation before where I've gone out with someone before I was ready. I didn't pursue her at all afterwards (she even drunkenly texted me one night asking me to come over and I told her I was asleep ). Fast forward 5 months. I did still think about her from time to time and was finally over my ex. I hung out with her and realized, my god she is GORGEOUS and I had my head up my a**. But by that point she had friendzoned me and moved on. She's actually still a friend of mine, but I should remind myself of that situation.

 

I appreciate your reinforcement. The fact that this last one this weekend deleted the dating app the next day after meeting me kinda makes it very obvious to me that this is most likely about her and her ex, and has nothing to do with me. It's still hard, because it's an unknown. But I gotta make sure to not take it personally. She doesn't know what she's missing.

[basil67]

I haven't read all the replies. But I want to say that when I'm reading LoveShack, I'm frequently appalled by some who openly admit that they aren't over their ex but are out dating to distract themselves.

 

These people are users. Please don't let yourself get dragged down by their selfish behaviour.

[Striver]

I haven't read all the replies. But I want to say that when I'm reading LoveShack, I'm frequently appalled by some who openly admit that they aren't over their ex but are out dating to distract themselves.

 

These people are users. Please don't let yourself get dragged down by their selfish behaviour.

 

Oh. My. God.

 

I'm divorced with kids. Flaky dating behavior, who cares at this point. Bigger priorities. I suffered bigger hurt in my marriage than can ever happen with anyone now.

 

GF and I ran into a rough spot and didn't see each other for about three months. At my age it was hell. Huge hole in my life and heart. Going through it again, hell yes I would have gone out on some going nowhere date just to distract myself and kill the time.

 

People gotta live, and there's a lot of hurt out there. Getting knotted up over someone "using" someone else, please.

[kendahke]

If everyone going out with me is fresh out of something,

 

Who is the common denominator in this?

 

If this has now developed into a pattern, then it's time to examine this pattern.

[SevenCity]

Who is the common denominator in this?

 

If this has now developed into a pattern, then it's time to examine this pattern.

 

In fairness to the OP, these dates are from OLD. In my ~2 years doing it, I found many, many women who were trying to get over/hung up on an ex. Hell, I was too! The difference is I was open to something real with the right woman.

 

I don’t think the OP can be blamed for who is on OLD or who will go out with him as it’s the women who do the choosing.

 

OP - However, you do have to evaluate how you are behaving. I dated and slept with many women hung up on exes. Though practice and study I learned how to behave on dates that made women like me more.

 

Not to say you shouldn’t be glad they stopped contacting you as you want to avoid women who are emotionally unavailable, but it is always good to evaluate your skills and improve so when one does come along who is a good catch you don’t F it up.

[kendahke]

I don’t think the OP can be blamed

 

The OP is responsible for the actions he willingly took in this, as are all adults.

 

He clearly stated "If everyone going out with me is fresh out of something,"

 

After the 3rd time of the same thing happening, it's time to stop what you're doing and take a look at what you're contributing to the matter.

 

Whatever vibe he's putting out is attracting women who aren't over their ex's. That needs to be examined.

[brigit87]

Awe thank you. And ya know, I should be able to tell myself the same. I've actually been in the situation before where I've gone out with someone before I was ready. I didn't pursue her at all afterwards (she even drunkenly texted me one night asking me to come over and I told her I was asleep ). Fast forward 5 months. I did still think about her from time to time and was finally over my ex. I hung out with her and realized, my god she is GORGEOUS and I had my head up my a**. But by that point she had friendzoned me and moved on. She's actually still a friend of mine, but I should remind myself of that situation.

 

I appreciate your reinforcement. The fact that this last one this weekend deleted the dating app the next day after meeting me kinda makes it very obvious to me that this is most likely about her and her ex, and has nothing to do with me. It's still hard, because it's an unknown. But I gotta make sure to not take it personally. She doesn't know what she's missing.

 

Dating is horrible.

 

But you're in a great position. A 35 year old male without baggage is very desirable. If you're attractive and intelligent then you might have better experience with parties and group gatherings.

[DontBreakEven]

The OP is responsible for the actions he willingly took in this, as are all adults.

 

He clearly stated "If everyone going out with me is fresh out of something,"

 

After the 3rd time of the same thing happening, it's time to stop what you're doing and take a look at what you're contributing to the matter.

 

Whatever vibe he's putting out is attracting women who aren't over their ex's. That needs to be examined.

 

As the other responder said, and my first thought as well to respond to you with is, the common denominator is the dating apps, unfortunately. Don't know if you use them, but they are overwhelmingly overrun with people on the rebound.

 

And by the way, I'm a woman.

 

And also, if you're going to then tell me to not use the dating apps, I will respond and say cool ... it's virtually impossible for a woman to pick up another woman at a straight bar or my local grocer's freezer aisle.

 

All around, it sucks.

 

And SevenCity, yep. My big difference is that I've been single for 2 years and actually took time off dating and getting over my past before getting back out there. But, that's a rarity these days.

[nospam99]

And by the way, I'm a woman.

 

I've got to make it a mantra ... to give context posters should specify their gender, the gender they are seeking also their age and goal.

 

To follow my own rule: 64 y/o man seeking woman for LTR.

 

I'm just bumping this thread to add (minor) 'horror stories'. My last four meets, all via OLD went 'typically' well: good conversation, 60 to 90 minutes, sense of rapport, usually share food or drinks, I was interested in dating, usually end 'only' in a hug because I've stopped going for the kiss on first meeting - playing the 'I respect you' card. Two least recent meets agreed to date then sent Dear John text or message the next day. Next most recent, fearing to put her on the spot (maybe stupid on my part), I asked for a date and told her she could wait to reply until she thought it over. Next day she wrote thanks but no thanks. Most recent I told her I'd message her as soon as I got home to ask if she wanted to date (maybe stupid again). She ghosted AND disappeared from the dating site (Match).

 

Just horror stories. Each woman may very well have responded differently to different 'tactics'. But I have tried

- asking for a date during the meet (and getting an immediate 'yes' response)

- asking for a date during the meet and telling her she can think it over

- telling her I'd ask for date via message after the meet and then doing so

 

Maybe I'm stupid to ask for a date too soon instead of making them wait with uncertainty. But I assume these Boomer women (ages 68, 63, 60, and 60) expect the man to take the initiative.

[SevenCity]

I've got to make it a mantra ... to give context posters should specify their gender, the gender they are seeking also their age and goal.

 

To follow my own rule: 64 y/o man seeking woman for LTR.

 

I'm just bumping this thread to add (minor) 'horror stories'. My last four meets, all via OLD went 'typically' well: good conversation, 60 to 90 minutes, sense of rapport, usually share food or drinks, I was interested in dating, usually end 'only' in a hug because I've stopped going for the kiss on first meeting - playing the 'I respect you' card. Two least recent meets agreed to date then sent Dear John text or message the next day. Next most recent, fearing to put her on the spot (maybe stupid on my part), I asked for a date and told her she could wait to reply until she thought it over. Next day she wrote thanks but no thanks. Most recent I told her I'd message her as soon as I got home to ask if she wanted to date (maybe stupid again). She ghosted AND disappeared from the dating site (Match).

 

Just horror stories. Each woman may very well have responded differently to different 'tactics'. But I have tried

- asking for a date during the meet (and getting an immediate 'yes' response)

- asking for a date during the meet and telling her she can think it over

- telling her I'd ask for date via message after the meet and then doing so

 

Maybe I'm stupid to ask for a date too soon instead of making them wait with uncertainty. But I assume these Boomer women (ages 68, 63, 60, and 60) expect the man to take the initiative.

 

This is all wrong. Some words of advice from a guy in his 40s:

 

- Go for a kiss anytime you want to. Even if you are getting no obvious signs

- Ask women out the next day, not on a date. It sends a message that you are insecure - like she won’t say yes if she has time to think about it.

- Don’t apologize for asking a woman out “too soon”. Geez - it’s a dating app!

- Don’t tell a woman you are going to do anything, just do it. Women like the mystery and don’t want you to ruin the end of the movie.

- Pick up Corey Wayne’s book and read it until it becomes second nature. Despite people thinking it’s PUA material, it is not. It is meant to filter out women who don’t make good partners and to stop men from making mistakes like you outlined above.

 

And don’t take this as an insult - I’m telling you this because I want you to succeed.

[ThreeRainbows]

Just horror stories. Each woman may very well have responded differently to different 'tactics'. But I have tried

- asking for a date during the meet (and getting an immediate 'yes' response)

- asking for a date during the meet and telling her she can think it over

- telling her I'd ask for date via message after the meet and then doing so

 

Maybe I'm stupid to ask for a date too soon instead of making them wait with uncertainty. But I assume these Boomer women (ages 68, 63, 60, and 60) expect the man to take the initiative.

 

 

Well, I'm only 33, but here is what I would like as a female. I would like to be asked via text afterwards. No warnings you're going to do so.

 

 

 

If you asked me at the meet, that would be okay, too. I would tell you either "Yes" if I liked you, or "I'll think it over, thank you" if I did not. It would tell me you're very interested, and I would like that.

[SevenCity]

As the other responder said, and my first thought as well to respond to you with is, the common denominator is the dating apps, unfortunately. Don't know if you use them, but they are overwhelmingly overrun with people on the rebound.

 

And by the way, I'm a woman.

 

And also, if you're going to then tell me to not use the dating apps, I will respond and say cool ... it's virtually impossible for a woman to pick up another woman at a straight bar or my local grocer's freezer aisle.

 

All around, it sucks.

 

And SevenCity, yep. My big difference is that I've been single for 2 years and actually took time off dating and getting over my past before getting back out there. But, that's a rarity these days.

 

Taking time off to heal is very mature. I took a different approach - I refused to let my ex stop my life.

 

From a guys perspective I think that’s best. You will make stupid mistakes and learn from them so when the right one comes along you are prepared.

[ThreeRainbows]

Taking time off to heal is very mature. I took a different approach - I refused to let my ex stop my life.

 

From a guys perspective I think that’s best. You will make stupid mistakes and learn from them so when the right one comes along you are prepared.

 

 

Honest feedback, when I read this I get anger vibes. Not taking time to heal is not wise, friend.

[nospam99]

This is all wrong. Some words of advice from a guy in his 40s:

 

- Go for a kiss anytime you want to. Even if you are getting no obvious signs

- Ask women out the next day, not on a date. It sends a message that you are insecure - like she won’t say yes if she has time to think about it.

- Don’t apologize for asking a woman out “too soon”. Geez - it’s a dating app!

- Don’t tell a woman you are going to do anything, just do it. Women like the mystery and don’t want you to ruin the end of the movie.

- Pick up Corey Wayne’s book and read it until it becomes second nature. Despite people thinking it’s PUA material, it is not. It is meant to filter out women who don’t make good partners and to stop men from making mistakes like you outlined above.

 

And don’t take this as an insult - I’m telling you this because I want you to succeed.

 

Just trying to make sure I understand the implications of your 'tactical' advice .... Is it a) go back to the tactic of asking for a date at the meet (and risk the downside of the Dear John reversal the next day when she can change her 'yes' to a 'no' without directly 'hurting my feelings) or b) don't ask at all during the meet (advantage IMO of being in person) and instead ask for a date the next day (disadvantage IMO of impersonal message, text, or phone call)?

[Striver]

Just trying to make sure I understand the implications of your 'tactical' advice .... Is it a) go back to the tactic of asking for a date at the meet (and risk the downside of the Dear John reversal the next day when she can change her 'yes' to a 'no' without directly 'hurting my feelings) or b) don't ask at all during the meet (advantage IMO of being in person) and instead ask for a date the next day (disadvantage IMO of impersonal message, text, or phone call)?

 

For me, the "average" instance of asking for a second date, if you have a common activity that you both have interest in, set the stage on the first date by bringing it up and gauging interest. Then on the follow-up contact use that connection to set up the second date. "Say, remember when we talked about the White Cliffs Of Dover? Well..." That is your way to keep connecting to women.

 

I would normally not set another date on the first date. It comes across as hard sell. I hate hard sell. You are going to get "yes" responses because the women want to be nice, but it turns into "no" because you put them on the spot, made them feel uncomfortable. It would be a turnoff to me.

 

But you need to read the room. There could be a no-brainer situation where you set up another date. If there's a clear shared interest and it's only two days from the first date, go for it.

 

Also, please drop the "Dear John" bit. It is way too sappy and sad sack.

These women are not your girlfriends. No woman is your girlfriend in the first month of dating. They barely know you.

[TheFinalWord]

I've been having an issue with OLD lately. Seriously everyone I've been matching with is fresh out of a relationship, and rebounding. The vast majority of them aren't even honest with themselves about it, and therefore essentially lie to me about their dating intentions.

 

OLD is full of flaky people and those seeing validation after a break-up. You should expect to find happiness, but try to work on asking out people in real life too. Relying on OLD, especially if you're a guy, is an uphill battle. You must be relatively attractive because A LOT of men can't even get a date off of OLD. Either that or your photos are deceiving.

 

I wouldn't ask about past relationships on a first date. Just focus on having fun, but don't expect it to turn into a relationship. Relationships happen organically in my opinion.

[OatsAndHall]

Each experience hardens and teaches us. Keep on swimming.

 

 

This is very true when it comes to dating, whether it's via OLD or meeting someone in real-life. Unfortunately, OLD comes with the added pitfall of investing time and energy into sending messages (if you're a man) or sifting through dozens of of messages (if you're a woman).

 

 

 

When I first started dating, post-divorce, I took things personally via OLD. I had never had a difficult time meeting women before my divorce but OLD was a continual uphill battle. But, as I got more dates under my belt, good and bad, I just learned to enjoy the dating experience. Some of the best times I have had since my divorce have been on a first or second date. And, I can just laugh at the bad dates now.

 

 

 

I only have one expectation on a date these days; to meet someone and enjoy their company for the afternoon/evening. Yes, I still get disappointed when I feel like a date went well but I end up ghosted. And, in all reality, I would rather have them ghost me or say they're not interested after the first date, versus drag things out into a second date or even third date. It REALLY sucks when I get three good dates under my belt with a woman and things don't work out. But, in the end, I just shake it off and keep going.

[DontBreakEven]

Relying on OLD, especially if you're a guy, is an uphill battle. You must be relatively attractive because A LOT of men can't even get a date off of OLD. Either that or your photos are deceiving.

 

For clarification, I'm an attractive woman who dates other attractive women ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[DontBreakEven]

Yes, I still get disappointed when I feel like a date went well but I end up ghosted.

 

That's just where I'm at. I get super disappointed with that. And it's just happened too many times lately. But, I also have to remember that I KNEW this women were on the rebound. Not only do they ghost me the next day, they delete their OLD profile. Deeper stuff going on and I just gotta keep reminding myself that it's not all about me.

[TheFinalWord]

For clarification, I'm an attractive woman who dates other attractive women ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

 

awww got ya.