DontBreakEven Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 I've been having an issue with OLD lately. Seriously everyone I've been matching with is fresh out of a relationship, and rebounding. The vast majority of them aren't even honest with themselves about it, and therefore essentially lie to me about their dating intentions. But. Maybe it's just my forward and upfront ways. I question them. I do it because I used to not do it, and would get blindsided when they would stop talking to me. I'd take it personally and not know what was up. So now I just like to get it all out in the open. And here is what has happened probably 5 times in a row: They meet me. We have a good date, but I do make sure to find out what the real story/timeline is with the recent ex. They tell me they are ready to move on. Sometimes we kiss, sometimes not. But either way it's always a good date. Next day, they are short in response with me and delete their dating apps. I give up and never hear from them again. But one did call me a month later. And she told me the truth that she realized she wasn't anywhere ready to date and was lying to herself. I don't know. I guess maybe I'm just setting myself up. Perhaps I should just not meet them at all once I know, no matter what they say. Because I am only human, and even though I cognitivally understand what is going on, I still get a self esteem ding and take it personally.
carhill Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 How to not take it personally? Value humans less, not to be confused with not valuing them, but rather accepting that there are billions around and interactions with any aren't the be-all or end-all of life and living. Accept the moment. If having a good date, it was a good date. That's the value. If it was a bad date, that's the value too. In the realm of one's life, it's a moment in time. OK, a bad one. Reduce expectations of others. That doesn't mean accepting anti-social or threatening behavior but rather not expecting certain actions or outcomes simply because of one interaction or association. Humans can change their minds at any time for any reason or no reason at all. Practice doing this yourself, especially if you're inherently predictable. Stretch out a bit. Don't worry about offending people or people not liking you. There's always going to be those. Back to that value thing. Value them less. Love yourself more.
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 30, 2018 Author Posted July 30, 2018 How to not take it personally? Value humans less, not to be confused with not valuing them, but rather accepting that there are billions around and interactions with any aren't the be-all or end-all of life and living. Accept the moment. If having a good date, it was a good date. That's the value. If it was a bad date, that's the value too. In the realm of one's life, it's a moment in time. OK, a bad one. Reduce expectations of others. That doesn't mean accepting anti-social or threatening behavior but rather not expecting certain actions or outcomes simply because of one interaction or association. Humans can change their minds at any time for any reason or no reason at all. Practice doing this yourself, especially if you're inherently predictable. Stretch out a bit. Don't worry about offending people or people not liking you. There's always going to be those. Back to that value thing. Value them less. Love yourself more. So, basically never get hopeful or excited or future-thinking? Ever? Sounds like the new age way of dating, indeed.
Gretchen12 Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 Huh? You take it personally that OLD is full of people trying to get over an ex?
littleblackheart Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 Since they're complete strangers, there is no reason to take any of it personally, really. You can't read minds, you don't know where they're at. You just kind of have to trust the process and keep it in perspective. Give yourself credit for putting yourself out there and if it doesn't work out after one date with someone you barely know, then it's not meant to be. What's the point in dwelling on what never was? 1
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 30, 2018 Author Posted July 30, 2018 Huh? You take it personally that OLD is full of people trying to get over an ex? I take going out on a nice date and never hearing from them again personally sometimes, sure. 1
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 30, 2018 Author Posted July 30, 2018 Since they're complete strangers, there is no reason to take any of it personally, really. You can't read minds, you don't know where they're at. You just kind of have to trust the process and keep it in perspective. Give yourself credit for putting yourself out there and if it doesn't work out after one date with someone you barely know, then it's not meant to be. What's the point in dwelling on what never was? Thanks, I appreciate this. I guess it's just the accumulation that I dwell on. I'd like for something to eventually stick and build. I'd like for not everyone to remain a stranger. It just seems at this point like it's inevitable that it's always a one and done situation. And it sucks.
carhill Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 So, basically never get hopeful or excited or future-thinking? Ever? Sounds like the new age way of dating, indeed. I can be hopeful about life without having expectations of others. Other humans are outside of our control. Short of involuntary servitude via force no one can control us. Accepting people for who they really are at any moment in time validates their reality at that time. Sometimes that means embracing them; sometimes that means walking away. It all depends on what one feels about oneself and the value, if any, a particular human or interaction adds to one's existence. In the dating realm, my advice is 'if it doesn't flow, let it go'. Accept the real. Think less and feel more. 'Flow' is a feeling. It's a positive synergy. Sometimes we feel that with another human. IME, mostly, not. YMMV! 1
littleblackheart Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 Thanks, I appreciate this. I guess it's just the accumulation that I dwell on. I'd like for something to eventually stick and build. I'd like for not everyone to remain a stranger. It just seems at this point like it's inevitable that it's always a one and done situation. And it sucks. I hear you. It's not an easy process. If finding someone is what you want to do, then I guess you have to keep on going. Maybe give yourself breaks when you're getting too down? And maybe also consider using OLD as one way for meeting women, and not the only way?
kendahke Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 I still get a self esteem ding and take it personally. Don't gauge your worth based on OLD matches. It's just a match--not a contract to anything more substantial. Yes, a lot of people use OLD as a means to get over hurt feelings, validate themselves, see if they've still got it while still married... you can't invest anything in anyone until after about 3 months of dating because the first 3 months of dating, all interactions are being made through the "on our best behavior" representatives. They're there to put your best foot/face forward. After the 3 month mark is when the real you and the real her take over. That's when you discover if you two are compatible enough to go forward. 1
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 30, 2018 Author Posted July 30, 2018 Don't gauge your worth based on OLD matches. It's just a match--not a contract to anything more substantial. I agree. It's just like seemingly impossible to even get to a 3rd month these days, much less a third date. Everyone talks about OLD as strangers and no one to place value on etc etc. But when someone has your phone number and you're talking and you meet up, etc, I think at that point it should because a little more personal and humanized. Maybe I'm just a dinosaur in this thinking, and should learn to just treat people as "matches", and nothing more. Sad world we live in. 1
kendahke Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 I agree. It's just like seemingly impossible to even get to a 3rd month these days, much less a third date. Everyone talks about OLD as strangers and no one to place value on etc etc. But when someone has your phone number and you're talking and you meet up, etc, I think at that point it should because a little more personal and humanized. Maybe I'm just a dinosaur in this thinking, and should learn to just treat people as "matches", and nothing more. Sad world we live in. Even in real life without electronic communication, if they don't feel any connection to you, they'll just ignore your calls or whatever. The thing you have to detach from is the notion that because you have interest that automatically means they have equal interest in you and a lot of times, that's not really the case. Being nice gets confused as being interested and when you can learn to divine that difference, this won't be so daunting. Getting to a third date has a lot to do with whether or not they feel a true connection with you and want to connect with you. If there is nothing there for them to build on, then they're going to not build. But at the end of the day, it's on them, not you. Sure it's not a nice feeling to not be the one picked, but then again, it also sucks being with someone you didn't have the stones to say "I'm not interested".
ThreeRainbows Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 Each experience hardens and teaches us. Keep on swimming. 1
carhill Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 OP, question: How often do you tell interested people, women in this case, that you're not interested in associating with them? If never or rarely, practice that. Get comfortable with making the choice to ignore people or not associate with them regardless of how they feel. IME, it helps. Focuses your energy more on yourself than feeling adrift in the tide of others whims or wants. Steer your own ship, with purpose, for you. My experience with this kind of dating goes way back to newspaper personals. At the other end of life, those experiences gave me some doozies of stories to tell, mostly about stuff that worked out horribly for myself. Now, it's funny. Oh, right, another tip. Sense of humor. It helps. 1
Normm Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 But either way it's always a good date. Next day, they are short in response with me and delete their dating apps. I give up and never hear from them again. I listen to this radio show called "Blown Off on WPLJ", and it's based on people who have been "ghosted" after a first date. Without fail every person who contacts the radio station thinks the date was good or even great, and they can't fathom why they never heard back from the other person. The radio station then calls the other person who has a totally different perspective of the date. It's safe to say that if you never hear back from them after the first date they didn't think it was nearly as good as you did.
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 30, 2018 Author Posted July 30, 2018 OP, question: How often do you tell interested people, women in this case, that you're not interested in associating with them? If never or rarely, practice that. Get comfortable with making the choice to ignore people or not associate with them regardless of how they feel. I'm not sure what you're talking about. Why would I tell people I'm not interested in associating with them? I'm clearly interested in associating with them. I went on a date with them. After the date I don't need to tell them anything ... they don't contact me anymore. Pretty much always because they are going back to an ex. I don't need to say a word. Not sure when you are implying I should tell someone this? The moment they do tell me they recently broke up with someone? And not even go out with them at all? Perhaps in that case, yes I should. And I own that portion of it. That was my bad.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 I'm not sure what you're talking about. Why would I tell people I'm not interested in associating with them? I'm clearly interested in associating with them. I went on a date with them. After the date I don't need to tell them anything ... they don't contact me anymore. Pretty much always because they are going back to an ex. I don't need to say a word. Not sure when you are implying I should tell someone this? The moment they do tell me they recently broke up with someone? And not even go out with them at all? Perhaps in that case, yes I should. And I own that portion of it. That was my bad. He means women who like you, but you're not that into. It will help you learn how to not be afraid of peoples' emotions. This is holding you back with women you do like. Practice your assertiveness skills. Don't be passive, don't be aggressive. Just be direct. 1
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 30, 2018 Author Posted July 30, 2018 Even in real life without electronic communication, if they don't feel any connection to you, they'll just ignore your calls or whatever. The thing you have to detach from is the notion that because you have interest that automatically means they have equal interest in you and a lot of times, that's not really the case. Being nice gets confused as being interested and when you can learn to divine that difference, this won't be so daunting. Getting to a third date has a lot to do with whether or not they feel a true connection with you and want to connect with you. If there is nothing there for them to build on, then they're going to not build. But at the end of the day, it's on them, not you. Sure it's not a nice feeling to not be the one picked, but then again, it also sucks being with someone you didn't have the stones to say "I'm not interested". Yep, I get that. I'm 35 and have had numerous relationships, so definitely well aware of that. However I do think I'm more open to possibilities than most these days, because I'm actually single and have been for a while, and don't bring much baggage to the table. If everyone going out with me is fresh out of something, it wouldn't matter if I was the best catch in the world. They wouldn't be able to see the forest for the trees.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 Yep, I get that. I'm 35 and have had numerous relationships, so definitely well aware of that. However I do think I'm more open to possibilities than most these days, because I'm actually single and have been for a while, and don't bring much baggage to the table. If everyone going out with me is fresh out of something, it wouldn't matter if I was the best catch in the world. They wouldn't be able to see the forest for the trees. That's probably not the actual problem.
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 30, 2018 Author Posted July 30, 2018 He means women who like you, but you're not that into. It will help you learn how to not be afraid of peoples' emotions. This is holding you back with women you do like. Practice your assertiveness skills. Don't be passive, don't be aggressive. Just be direct. Oh. Um okay. Yes I'm quite direct. I don't associate at all with women who might like me, but I am not into. I don't even make them think they stand a chance, because, what would be the point in that? I'm also quite direct with women I do like. Hence why I am upfront about asking them what their intentions in dating are (and most of them have no idea).
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 30, 2018 Author Posted July 30, 2018 That's probably not the actual problem. Well, it actually is the actual problem for the recent dates I'm speaking of in the post. Let's see. The first one had broken up with someone she had been seeing for 3 years that MORNING. She lied and said it was 3 months ago. Later fessed up. The most recent got out of a year long relationship 3 days ago. The one before that, a 2 year relationship 2 weeks prior ... So, yea. In these instances, it is the problem. 1
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 30, 2018 Author Posted July 30, 2018 Oh. Um okay. Yes I'm quite direct. I don't associate at all with women who might like me, but I am not into. I don't even make them think they stand a chance, because, what would be the point in that? I'm also quite direct with women I do like. Hence why I am upfront about asking them what their intentions in dating are (and most of them have no idea). To be clear, ThreeRainbows, I don't even accept an invitation for a date with women I'm not interested in. Maybe I'm an outlier. I hate nothing more than having to bs my way through a boring date.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 Oh. Um okay. Yes I'm quite direct. I don't associate at all with women who might like me, but I am not into. I don't even make them think they stand a chance, because, what would be the point in that? I'm also quite direct with women I do like. Hence why I am upfront about asking them what their intentions in dating are (and most of them have no idea). That's good. Do you tell them this, or just stop talking/ghost? Sometimes we pick the easy way out because we don't want to hurt another's feelings. Just make sure your intention is truly because you don't care, not because you don't want to hurt them. If it's the former, you might actually want to talk to some. You might be surprised. If it's the latter, you should practice letting people down gently, to get over fear. Honestly, at the end of the day, if we're repeatedly not having success in dating, it's time to look at ourselves. Not just other people and their problems. The culprit is almost always some false belief causing an emotion (like fear or shame). Women will smell these emotions, as they subtly affect your actions. Practice facing all fears! 1
Gretchen12 Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 I take going out on a nice date and never hearing from them again personally sometimes, sure. Oh, that. It can happen even with people who are fully over the ex. You really can't tell who will ghost you and who won't.
ElKay Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 I totally understand what you mean. Here's a little backstory of some of my OLD experiences. Last year, I met 4 guys from okcupid. 2 ended up being too awkward (1 date with one and 3 with the other one), but I ended up telling them that I wasn't interested in continuing. One guy turned into a short-term relationship. The 4th guy that I met before my now-ex bf went out with me 3 times. He seemed like a nice guy and the third date was movies at his place. He didn't flirt with me at all, seemed kind of bored from the start, told me "if you want something to drink or eat, there's a dep on the other side of the street"... While we laughed during that time and I was attempting to be a bit cuddly, I wasn't going to jump on him myself. After, he didn't even walk me to the bus stop and I never heard from him again. I was really pissed off since I personally tell guys even after 1 date if I'm not into them, so I felt like 3 dates would merit just a polite: "Hey, not sure we'll jive, good luck though!" text message. Then, I gained experience from OLD, so I picked guys a bit better and started taking the dates less seriously. Not in the sense that I don't care anymore, but it doesn't feel like the end of the world if it didn't work out. Recently, I accidentally met another guy like this. 3 dates, he didn't allow for any flirting even if he kept wanting to meet me... so I assume that he also has a huge ego and expected me to do all of the work. Anyways, all that to say is that, whatever reason they decide you're not worth a text message and prefer ghosting you, you dodged a bullet! It shows their personality. It's better to wait out for someone who will be honest with themselves and honest with you.
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