Second date rejection

[penangtravel]

I went on a first date with a guy on Wednesday - we ended up spending 6 hours together - walking/talking/having coffee. I find it difficult to open up to people about my feelings and at times he seemed to want to know too much and I did feel a little uncomfortable however, he was patient and said being open will come with time. I genuinely had so much fun on the date - more so than I have had in ages.There was an obvious attraction between us. We did kiss at the end of the date and he messaged me saying he felt our date ended too soon.

 

I was nervous about meeting for the second time - could it be as good as the first one? How will I feel if I don't see him again, is he the one - its never felt this good - is this how it feels when you meet the one?

 

The second date came around and I think we were both quite tired and he had some things on his mind - family/work. We spent 6 hours together again. At times it felt great, however at times I got very mixed messages.

 

I got home and didn't know whether to message or not. I did. He replied but then sent another message saying that this would come as a shock, but despite having had more fun than he has had in a very long time he didn't think there was long term potential. For some reason I wasn't that shocked but I felt that given the amount of time we had spent together I wanted know why.

 

He didn't give me specifics - just said that it was a lot of little things and that knowing himself and his family it wouldn't work long term.

 

I think there would have been some cultural/religious differences and I think maybe he thought I wasn't good enough for him and his family. I don't know if it was because I wasn't very open or maybe our chats were just surface level and it was just fun - ie. no depth. Do I try to find out why? Or just leave it. I wrote a pro and con list for him and actually there was a lot of cons - maybe it was just meant to remind me that dating should be fun?

 

I'm not sure why I am writing this - or what advice I want. I just feel very sad that I had such a connection with someone, but that they didn't think I was good enough. I'm 35 and I struggle with dating - I have been on over 30 OLD in the last 3 years - have had some mini relationships but struggle to find a genuine connection. I really thought this had potential. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this - just feels like dating for datings sake - then when you do have a connection its not good enough.

[bachdude]

From what you describe it seems to me he is as sad about it as you. But I think you just need to take his word for it. He's protecting the both of you from hurt. Be grateful for this. He seems like an honorable fella - some guys just ghost. He told you more than most would.

[act00]

Of course I understand you coming to the conclusion of "not good enough," but you have to stop that thinking pattern now. At no point did he say you weren't good enough. He simply recognized incompatibilities that wouldn't mesh long-term and was honest with you instead of ghosting you. You recognize that there are potential issues as well. Do you think he's not good enough? No? Stop thinking that way.

[Juha]

It sounds like you hold back and are rigid when out on dates.

 

People can feel this.

[ThreeRainbows]

To me it sounds like maybe you need to show a bit more of your boundaries.

 

 

 

Men do not fall in love with your appearance, your intelligence, your talent, or anything else. They fall in love with your sense of self.

 

What is a sense of self? It is your authentic voice. When you felt pressured, did you give in a little? Were you agreeable? Don't be.

 

 

 

When we have strong connections, strong feelings, we tend to be afraid to speak our minds fully. We are afraid of losing the love. That's exactly what causes us to lose the love.

 

 

Best advice? Whenever I feel a strong connection with someone that I hardly know, I push away the feeling. Do not fill in the blanks of your date with positives. Do not pedestal them. Falling in love is not wise until you have built a trusting relationship first.

 

 

Then, when they have fallen in love and confessed, and I know we are compatible, that is when I will make the decision to fall in love. Still, it's not safe yet to be head over heels. This is the time to only allow yourself to attach as much as you can handle while retaining your firm boundaries and sense of self.

[DontBreakEven]

I just wanted to say that I'm 35 as well, and have had the same exact issues. And also in the past couple years for me, I've been on a ton of dates that ended just like the one you described (in fact I had one just this weekend that has already ended), as well as some little mini-relationships.

 

But basically at this point I just almost expect everything to go to sh*t. It's sad, but after like the 30th time, it's hard to be hopeful for anything else. Of course, I always try to be hopeful with the next one, but there is always some sort of major disappointment such as this.

 

I'm in a rough spot right now. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone. It's happening to me too. And it NEVER used to be like this for me. Even an ex of mine is like "What are you doing differently? - You had me at hello". And I honestly have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I think it's THEM.

[ThreeRainbows]

How did you meet him? OLD?

 

 

 

Maybe try going to places that have guys there, where you can form friendships first. Meetups, groups, communities. Give the guys more time to connect with you.

[PRW]

I went on a first date with a guy on Wednesday - we ended up spending 6 hours together

Way way too long for the first few dates. Limit them to maybe 2 hours or less. This was the cause of some of the difficulties.

You both need to come away from the date "wanting more",...not, "Ok, I'm getting bored now, time to go".

Also, women [which means you] fall in love with a guy when they are NOT with him after the dates when they have time to absorb the emotions they felt and take the time to put it all together. If the guy is around you too much, or for too long, he actually gets in his own way. So keep the dates short. They can become longer as things progress over a few weeks.

 

he was patient and said being open will come with time.

He wasn't patient. He was mildly "condemning" your behavor and telling you that "Maybe you'll do better next time". This was a negative on his part. Instead he should have tried to make you feel more comfortable, and that would have resulted in you opening up more and it would have happened naturally.

 

We did kiss at the end of the date and he messaged me saying he felt our date ended too soon.

Ended too soon? After a 6 hour "first date"? In the "after-date message" he should have just said, "I had a really nice time with you! Hope you have a great week. Personally I never do these "after-date" messages, I just wait a few days and contact you to set the next date

 

The second date came around and I think we were both quite tired and he had some things on his mind - family/work. We spent 6 hours together again. At times it felt great, however at times I got very mixed messages.

Tired? Things on his mind? Family/work?,...add to that the comment of the 6 hour date "ending too soon"? He is communicating like a woman rather than a man. Think about it? What do you mean if you are on a date and you tell the guy these things? What do you mean by them? Hint: "I'm just not feeling it", or "I'm just not that into the guy, but I don't want to hurt his feelings".

 

He didn't give me specifics - just said that it was a lot of little things and that knowing himself and his family it wouldn't work long term.

Translation: "I'm just not that into you, but I don't want to make you feel bad."

Again, he is communicating like a woman rather than a man.

 

Do I try to find out why? Or just leave it.

Leave it.

 

I'm not sure why I am writing this - or what advice I want. I just feel very sad that I had such a connection with someone, but that they didn't think I was good enough

The "connection" was just a little bit of an emotional high that you get from meeting a "new guy". It is normal, but don't make it more than it was. Also keep in mind that "Rejection breeds Obsession", and this particular time you were the one that got rejected. So just recognize it for what the emotion is and don't let it take over.

 

I'm 35 and I struggle with dating

Everybody does to some degree. Don't worry about it.

 

just feels like dating for datings sake - then when you do have a connection its not good enough.

Straining too hard to see a "connection" will cause you to see one when there isn't one or one that is much weaker than you think.

 

"Dating for the sake of dating" is NOT a bad thing. Dating is difficult. Reading people is difficult. Getting past your own emotions and reading yourself is difficult. Guess what, difficult things require practice,...so practice, practice, practice. Go on dates without a bunch of expectations. Don't limit yourself to one guy at a time,...see 2 or 3 at a time until you become exclusive with one then drop off the others. You will develop and polish your social skills and will no longer have those quiet awkward silences that kill dates. You'll get to the point that you are better at dating than the guy is. You'll know the routines, you'll see through the BS, you'll know what to do, when to do it, and why. It will work out. But you just have to practice until you get "good" at it.

Edited July 30, 2018 by PRW

[penangtravel]

It sounds like you hold back and are rigid when out on dates.

 

People can feel this.

 

Yes - I have had guys say this before - they think I'm not interested - and in the past maybe I wasn't. I just find it dfficult to be any other way when rejection is on the other side.

[penangtravel]

I just wanted to say that I'm 35 as well, and have had the same exact issues. And also in the past couple years for me, I've been on a ton of dates that ended just like the one you described (in fact I had one just this weekend that has already ended), as well as some little mini-relationships.

 

But basically at this point I just almost expect everything to go to sh*t. It's sad, but after like the 30th time, it's hard to be hopeful for anything else. Of course, I always try to be hopeful with the next one, but there is always some sort of major disappointment such as this.

 

I'm in a rough spot right now. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone. It's happening to me too. And it NEVER used to be like this for me. Even an ex of mine is like "What are you doing differently? - You had me at hello". And I honestly have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I think it's THEM.

 

 

 

Aah - thank you. I just feel a bit embarrassed about being on all these sites - like oh it's that girl again, what's wrong with her. I think rejection breeds insecurity and that impacts your behaviour on dates. I have also begun to question the point of dating at all - it really shouldn't be this difficult?! I think I was so taken aback by a really good connection that I thought wow this is what people talk about. Of course there was some cynicism but i ignored it.

 

I think alot of the time it is them - I have 'looked up' people who I have dated and they aren't in relationships or they are still dating. I do know so many people who have met people online - so it does work... I guess it is just perseverance and finding the one.

[penangtravel]

How did you meet him? OLD?

 

 

 

Maybe try going to places that have guys there, where you can form friendships first. Meetups, groups, communities. Give the guys more time to connect with you.

 

Yes online - in an ideal world i would go to these things - but I am not sure what to go to - I find it hard to meet people - most people I have met doing activities are other women in a similar situation...

[penangtravel]

To me it sounds like maybe you need to show a bit more of your boundaries.

 

 

 

Men do not fall in love with your appearance, your intelligence, your talent, or anything else. They fall in love with your sense of self.

 

What is a sense of self? It is your authentic voice. When you felt pressured, did you give in a little? Were you agreeable? Don't be.

 

 

 

When we have strong connections, strong feelings, we tend to be afraid to speak our minds fully. We are afraid of losing the love. That's exactly what causes us to lose the love.

 

 

Best advice? Whenever I feel a strong connection with someone that I hardly know, I push away the feeling. Do not fill in the blanks of your date with positives. Do not pedestal them. Falling in love is not wise until you have built a trusting relationship first.

 

 

Then, when they have fallen in love and confessed, and I know we are compatible, that is when I will make the decision to fall in love. Still, it's not safe yet to be head over heels. This is the time to only allow yourself to attach as much as you can handle while retaining your firm boundaries and sense of self.

 

This is such a great post and very true - so many valid points. Thank you! x

[penangtravel]

Way way too long for the first few dates. Limit them to maybe 2 hours or less. This was the cause of some of the difficulties.

You both need to come away from the date "wanting more",...not, "Ok, I'm getting bored now, time to go".

Also, women [which means you] fall in love with a guy when they are NOT with him after the dates when they have time to absorb the emotions they felt and take the time to put it all together. If the guy is around you too much, or for too long, he actually gets in his own way. So keep the dates short. They can become longer as things progress over a few weeks.

 

 

He wasn't patient. He was mildly "condemning" your behavor and telling you that "Maybe you'll do better next time". This was a negative on his part. Instead he should have tried to make you feel more comfortable, and that would have resulted in you opening up more and it would have happened naturally.

 

 

Ended too soon? After a 6 hour "first date"? In the "after-date message" he should have just said, "I had a really nice time with you! Hope you have a great week. Personally I never do these "after-date" messages, I just wait a few days and contact you to set the next date

 

 

Tired? Things on his mind? Family/work?,...add to that the comment of the 6 hour date "ending too soon"? He is communicating like a woman rather than a man. Think about it? What do you mean if you are on a date and you tell the guy these things? What do you mean by them? Hint: "I'm just not feeling it", or "I'm just not that into the guy, but I don't want to hurt his feelings".

 

Translation: "I'm just not that into you, but I don't want to make you feel bad."

Again, he is communicating like a woman rather than a man.

 

 

Leave it.

 

 

The "connection" was just a little bit of an emotional high that you get from meeting a "new guy". It is normal, but don't make it more than it was. Also keep in mind that "Rejection breeds Obsession", and this particular time you were the one that got rejected. So just recognize it for what the emotion is and don't let it take over.

 

 

Everybody does to some degree. Don't worry about it.

 

 

Straining too hard to see a "connection" will cause you to see one when there isn't one or one that is much weaker than you think.

 

"Dating for the sake of dating" is NOT a bad thing. Dating is difficult. Reading people is difficult. Getting past your own emotions and reading yourself is difficult. Guess what, difficult things require practice,...so practice, practice, practice. Go on dates without a bunch of expectations. Don't limit yourself to one guy at a time,...see 2 or 3 at a time until you become exclusive with one then drop off the others. You will develop and polish your social skills and will no longer have those quiet awkward silences that kill dates. You'll get to the point that you are better at dating than the guy is. You'll know the routines, you'll see through the BS, you'll know what to do, when to do it, and why. It will work out. But you just have to practice until you get "good" at it.

 

I'm not sure how to do proper replies to your replies - but thank you for all your words. In hindsight he was very emotional/and very expressive - he spoke alot about his sister and her dating problems - which in hindsight is weird and a red flag. I don't think he was over his ex wife as we talked about ex's alot. Something i found uncomfortable doing so early on. And yes - mildly condemning is a good way of describing it.

 

I agree, i think the dates were too long - I was drained after the second one - and couldn't work out how I was feeling.

 

Dating hey.

[ThreeRainbows]

Yes online - in an ideal world i would go to these things - but I am not sure what to go to - I find it hard to meet people - most people I have met doing activities are other women in a similar situation...

 

 

So what I do, I happen to love board games (modern ones), is go to board game meetups. The one I go is like 20 guys in one small room, a couple wives/girlfriends, and me.

 

 

 

Other activities might be faith based groups, book or movie clubs, music jam sessions. I've seen guys at that those kinds of groups, too.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Don't take the rejection personally and be thankful the guy was upfront w/you. I was rejected on the 2nd date, that stung, but I didn't feel self conscious about it at all. This upfront rejection (not being outright mean) is 100x better then lead on or lied to. Whatever his reasons, don't be hard on yourself. I rejected a guy after a couple dates because I didn't like him. He was a nice guy, but just not for me and I'm betting he will find a nice girl eventually.