Can’t judge first date

[OatsAndHall]

Did I really stump 70+ people haha? Basically, what are signs you guys look for in determining whether the first date went well or not? are there clues or specific things to look for?

 

 

A kiss is a good indicator but it's never something that I expect on a first date. Here's my "clues" that things are going well:

 

 

 

 

-I made them laugh from start to finish. I have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor that I tone down on those first few dates but it stills flows. It's been a good date if I've gotten some sincere laughing out of them.

 

 

 

-Conversation has gone well and it's been a two way street. We've both tried to keep things moving along, not just me. And, the conversation needs to be light-hearted and fun. I'm a teacher and I've been out with other teachers and we can talk for hours about our jobs.

 

 

 

-They've made eye contact regularly throughout the date. Some women are shy daters but, if I've done things right, they'll be calm and at ease with me sooner than later. And, it's easy to tell when they're bored.

 

 

 

-Bottom line; was it fun?

[Doost]

Worry more about if you enjoyed spending time with her. If you two end up planning to spend more time together will give you an idea if she enjoyed the first time.

[PRW]

There is nothing too big or too small, there is just the truth. If she cannot handle the truth then better move to the next one.

 

When I was online I asked the men what they were looking for on our first online conversation! I was not gonna get all pretty, go out, and then be told they are only looking for casual.

 

Asking what are you looking for is simply answering why are you online. Answer it truthfully! It's not about what you're looking for with 'her'. It's a general question.

I disagree.

 

This wasn't OLD, at least that I could see in the post, and this isn't before she got prettied up for the date,...she is already there.

 

It shouldn't be a general question and it shouldn't be some kind of "plan" that the guy is not allowed to deviate from if he suddenly decides something different than what he thought when he left home.

 

She kept asking over and over,...she made it "a thing".

 

It is a loaded question with no right, answer as I said. The answer can be twisted no matter what it is.

 

What I have "wanted" during the date may change 2-3 times during the date depending on how the date goes and what I learn about he woman as the date progresses. Sometimes what I am "looking for" is to "get the heck outta there".

 

The question implies the guy came to the date with some kind of long term plan right from the beginning, which with some women, she will interpret that as clingy or coming on too strong, or trying to "lock her down" (pick your favorite term).

 

So if you are on a date with me and you ask me that, don't expect a straight answer, and I've just told you why. If you get butt-hurt over me not giving a straight answer,...then I just got my answer.

Edited August 2, 2018 by PRW

[Ranja]

Grey: Read this thread about a woman that went on a date and felt so-so about it because of awkward moments. See how in a few dates she is now pretty crazy about this man.

 

When dating be careful not to assigned to women the way men feel. You can have a look if your ascendants fit for example on astrosofa.com/horoscope/ascendant. Men need strong physical attraction and for us it's more complicated that that, even if a woman isn't completely taken by you on a first date she can grow to like you a great deal within 2-3 dates.

 

This is so true, love can come in the most different ways. Sometimes when you don't see it at all. Try to enjoy your time together maybe it is not love but you can develop a friendship. If you don't fit together stop dating and keep on going.

Ranja

[ritta]

Your date is another person. Don't spend a lot of time thinking about what why someone flakes. Hell, even in marriage partners come with no guarantees.

 

Had a woman pull me aside for some private time at a Meetup even. Very flirty, smiley, things are going great. We make another date, out on a short hike, she actually says to me "Don't look at me like that."

 

That... kind of put a damper on things. She wound up making out with me at the end of the date. Seemed like she was kind of throwing me a bone. I took it. We were done after that.

 

Enjoy women when things are going well. Don't take flaking personally.

 

Never take this personally - everyone tries to find her or his soulmate!

[PRW]

I completely disagree. I've had many dates, some that lasted as long as 10 hours, where I've gotten home and thought wow that was so great ... only to never hear from them again lol.

It is because you went on a 10 hour date. Never do that. The first few dates should be 2 hours or even less. You want BOTH of you to come home "wanting more".

 

After you have done several dates then you can spend longer periods of time.

Edited August 2, 2018 by PRW

[OatsAndHall]

When dating be careful not to assigned to women the way men feel. Men need strong physical attraction and for us it's more complicated that that, even if a woman isn't completely taken by you on a first date she can grow to like you a great deal within 2-3 dates.

 

 

This can be difficult advice to follow if a guy is dating via OLD. I've been told by women via OLD sites that they didn't date guys with facial hair, that I wasn't tall enough, I had too much muscle, I didn't hve enough muscle, that my hair was too long, etc..etc.. I've had a few dates go downhill for the same reasons. Which always drove me nuts because all of the pics on my profile are current (i.e. a month or two old) and there are plenty of the full-body pics.

 

 

 

On one first date, the woman commented immediately that she "didn't recognize me" because I had gotten my hair cut. She stated she was disappointed because she liked my "rock star look": there was ONE friggin' pic of me with long hair. The rest of my pics all showed me with my usual hair style. She seemed put-off and bored for the rest of the date. I could've easily made the retort that she looked ten years older than her profile pic..

 

 

But, this is another reason why meeting people in RL is much better. They've seen you, they've weighed and measured you and found you adequate. Lol.

[Gaeta]

This can be difficult advice to follow if a guy is dating via OLD. I've been told by women via OLD sites that they didn't date guys with facial hair, that I wasn't tall enough, I had too much muscle, I didn't hve enough muscle, that my hair was too long, etc..etc.. I've had a few dates go downhill for the same reasons. Which always drove me nuts because all of the pics on my profile are current (i.e. a month or two old) and there are plenty of the full-body pics.

 

On one first date, the woman commented immediately that she "didn't recognize me" because I had gotten my hair cut. She stated she was disappointed because she liked my "rock star look": there was ONE friggin' pic of me with long hair. The rest of my pics all showed me with my usual hair style. She seemed put-off and bored for the rest of the date. I could've easily made the retort that she looked ten years older than her profile pic..

 

But, this is another reason why meeting people in RL is much better. They've seen you, they've weighed and measured you and found you adequate. Lol.

 

 

All those are excuses because they're not feeling it or they're just time-wasters. When they're ready to seriously find someone they won't let details like this come in the way. She will often end up dating someone completely different than what she wished at first.

[Gaeta]

I disagree.

 

This wasn't OLD, at least that I could see in the post, and this isn't before she got prettied up for the date,...she is already there.

 

It shouldn't be a general question and it shouldn't be some kind of "plan" that the guy is not allowed to deviate from if he suddenly decides something different than what he thought when he left home.

 

She kept asking over and over,...she made it "a thing".

 

It is a loaded question with no right, answer as I said. The answer can be twisted no matter what it is.

 

What I have "wanted" during the date may change 2-3 times during the date depending on how the date goes and what I learn about he woman as the date progresses. Sometimes what I am "looking for" is to "get the heck outta there".

 

The question implies the guy came to the date with some kind of long term plan right from the beginning, which with some women, she will interpret that as clingy or coming on too strong, or trying to "lock her down" (pick your favorite term).

 

So if you are on a date with me and you ask me that, don't expect a straight answer, and I've just told you why. If you get butt-hurt over me not giving a straight answer,...then I just got my answer.

 

 

I have no clue what you're talking about. When I was online I asked ONLINE before a first meeting what the guy was looking for on a dating site. I didn't ask what he was looking for 'with me'. That's what that woman wanted to know from Grey, was Grey looking for casual, making friend, or is he dating with a serious goal in mind. ANSWER THE TRUTH. If it doesn't correspond to her goal than she can continue searching and so can he! If she kept asking it's because he didn't give her something that looked like an answer, he was too ambivalent.

 

 

Why would I get butt-hurt over a stranger?? You are worth 0 to me at that point!! If you had not answered my question online before a first meeting there would not have been a meeting at all, I don't have time to go out have coffees with every man showing interest in me! The man I am meeting has to date with a goal in mind, I don't care if that goal will realize with me or not!! but we at least have to be online for the same purpose.

 

 

 

You have a very low opinion of women!!

Edited August 2, 2018 by Gaeta

[PRW]

I have no clue what you're talking about. When I was online I asked ONLINE before a first meeting what the guy was looking for on a dating site.

The original poster is Grey40. The context of this is him on the date with a woman that kept repeatedly asking him what he wanted. It doesn't matter if it was OLD,...they were already on the date in person by that point.

 

Maybe she could have done what you suggested while still online,...before the date,...but she didn't so it is a moot point. She is not the one that posted here, he is. She was clearly not into him and asking him "What are you looking for?" repeatedly while on the date was probably just fishing for a reason to reject him. Had she really been into the guy she would not have even asked the question.

 

You have a very low opinion of women!!

That is an over reaction, over just the fact that we bumped heads a little bit on a forum post. Generally I have been in agreement on your posts. The truth is that I am always much harder on the men. If you go find the thread "GF waited a month to tell me she was raped.. But" you will find that I was about the only person in the entire thread that defended the girl that was raped. Look at the nonsense and the hate that many of the rest of them threw at her,...I guess it is easy to attack someone not present in the conversation who can't defend themselves. Edited August 2, 2018 by PRW

[ThreeRainbows]

I disagree.

 

This wasn't OLD, at least that I could see in the post, and this isn't before she got prettied up for the date,...she is already there.

 

It shouldn't be a general question and it shouldn't be some kind of "plan" that the guy is not allowed to deviate from if he suddenly decides something different than what he thought when he left home.

 

She kept asking over and over,...she made it "a thing".

 

It is a loaded question with no right, answer as I said. The answer can be twisted no matter what it is.

 

What I have "wanted" during the date may change 2-3 times during the date depending on how the date goes and what I learn about he woman as the date progresses. Sometimes what I am "looking for" is to "get the heck outta there".

 

The question implies the guy came to the date with some kind of long term plan right from the beginning, which with some women, she will interpret that as clingy or coming on too strong, or trying to "lock her down" (pick your favorite term).

 

So if you are on a date with me and you ask me that, don't expect a straight answer, and I've just told you why. If you get butt-hurt over me not giving a straight answer,...then I just got my answer.

 

 

As a woman, I feel that what she's really asking is whether he is looking for commitment, casual, marriage, etc. She doesn't want to get played. She has had a "grass is greener" guy situation. She's a touch over-cautious because of it.

[ThreeRainbows]

There is usually no right answer to this question. If you say a "relationship" or a "LTR" or a "Wife", then you are accused to coming on too strong, being needy, desperate, etc., you're trying to "lock her down". If you say "fun" or a "good time" then you are accused of being a player or not taking things serious enough, you just want to get in her pants...or whatever.

 

It is just simply too "big" and too serious of a question for a first date. So if I am asked I will tell them exactly what I just said,...or I would would answer it with a question, "What are YOU looking for?,...you first",...or I would dodge it with some kind of silly response like look around the table and say "My spoon", or my eye glasses, or my wallet,...my long lost cousin.

 

 

 

 

It's really simple. Be honest. For me, that's a "long term relationship, maybe even one that leads to marriage." That doesn't mean with him. It's not too serious. It's not needy to want that. It's normal.

 

 

If you say anything other than your truth about it, you are misleading them, and yourself.

[PRW]

As a woman, I feel that what she's really asking is whether he is looking for commitment, casual, marriage, etc. She doesn't want to get played. She has had a "grass is greener" guy situation. She's a touch over-cautious because of it.

I agree. But I think it is more of something in his behavor and mannerisms that triggered her suspicion rather than her past. Her past would have just made her keen enough to spot it. In the end it still results in she was just "not into him" and the question is just a means to validate what she is feeling. If she was "into him" she would be happy and excited to be there with him and the question would not have come up. Look closely at her behavor of "I tried to escalate and go for the kiss a few times and could tell she wasn’t reciprocating" before it got to the asking of the question and take note of his comment to her of "“too shy to kiss? Or do you just have a first date “rule” you go by?". If a guy asked you that on a date (after trying several times) what would your gut tell you? How likely are you to NOW hit him with "What are you looking for?" and what would be your real motivation for asking it at THAT particular moment? Edited August 2, 2018 by PRW

[ThreeRainbows]

I agree. But I think it is more of something in his behavor and mannerisms that triggered her suspicion rather than her past. Her past would have just made her keen enough to spot it. In the end it still results in she was just "not into him" and the question is just a means to validate what she is feeling. If she was "into him" she would be happy and excited to be there with him and the question would not have come up. Look closely at her behavor of "I tried to escalate and go for the kiss a few times and could tell she wasn’t reciprocating" before it got to the asking of the question and take note of his comment to her of "“too shy to kiss? Or do you just have a first date “rule” you go by?". If a guy asked you that on a date (after trying several times) what would your gut tell you?

 

 

As a woman, it would give me the strong vibes that he is focused on getting to the sex. Not on getting to know me. It would make me feel weirdly pressured, and afraid.

 

 

If I was the guy, I would be sure she wasn't feeling it. If he had respected her right away, instead of pushing, she might have been willing to give him another date to see where things lead.

 

 

I would still like to know what his answer was to that question.

 

 

PRW, you have some serious introverted intuition (in mbti terms).

[PRW]

PRW, you have some serious introverted intuition (in mbti terms).

I'll consider that the best compliment I have had in a long time. Technically I am an Omega Male. The Omega is nearly identical to the Alpha except the Alpha is extrovert based while the Omega is introvert based. So you nailed the "introverted" part dead on. The Omega has a few negatives too, but overall I am proud to be one. No one can accuse me of not knowing "who I am".

 

Here's one of the Wiki definitions:

 

Omega male: You are very much like the alpha male, the primary distinction being that where the Alpha "recharges" in groups you "recharge" by being alone. You are the polar opposite of the alpha male, but in a good way. Like the alpha male you are confident, intelligent and have a sense of charisma about you, but unlike the alpha male, you are completely your own person. You do not need anyone, and you can even be emotionally distant due to your complete self-possession. You trust few people and foster even fewer intimate relationships. Omegas do not care for leadership by others as they are perfectly capable of leading themselves

[Gaeta]

I agree. But I think it is more of something in his behavor and mannerisms that triggered her suspicion rather than her past. Her past would have just made her keen enough to spot it. In the end it still results in she was just "not into him" and the question is just a means to validate what she is feeling. If she was "into him" she would be happy and excited to be there with him and the question would not have come up. Look closely at her behavor of "I tried to escalate and go for the kiss a few times and could tell she wasn’t reciprocating" before it got to the asking of the question and take note of his comment to her of "“too shy to kiss? Or do you just have a first date “rule” you go by?". If a guy asked you that on a date (after trying several times) what would your gut tell you? How likely are you to NOW hit him with "What are you looking for?" and what would be your real motivation for asking it at THAT particular moment?

 

 

I agree with you 100% on that.

[Gaeta]

I tried to escalate and go for the kiss a few times and could tell she wasn’t reciprocating.

You need to stop that. If a woman rejects a first attempt at a kiss then don't pressure her again and again. Teen age boys do that not grown up men. She is not gonna like you more because you pressured her into kissing and she gave in. If she had kissed you you would have interpreted it as she must like you when in fact she was pressured into it. You need to read women better and learn to respect their cues. When a woman indicates she is not wanting a kiss you wait till she goes for it.

 

 

 

Towards the end I said, “too shy to kiss? Or do you just have a first date “rule” you go by?

Why would you put her on the spot like this? She is 100% entitled to not kiss every frog (not an insult just a reference to kissing many frogs before meeting prince charming) she goes on a 1st date with. She doesn't need to explain herself and she shouldn't have to push you away 2-3 times.

[Grey40]

So I texted her asking for a second date this weekend. She took 24 hours to respond and simply said “hey sorry I can’t this weekend”. That’s it. She was never a big texter at all even before the first date and her taking a really long time to reply was normal, but that pretty much seals it.

 

I knew Inc my gut that she wasn’t feeling it all that much, and I did have some bad behavior that came off maybe a little desperate/insecure at times too. I know what I did wrong basically. That being said, I don’t think this girl is really taking dates seriously right now, she claimed I’m the first guy she ever met up with on a dating app since she just started using it. (She had a 5 year relationship that ended over a year ago, she used that time to get over it and now is trying OLD). So I think she was just testing the waters and giving it a shot.

 

When she zoned out and tuned me out when I was talking to point out other things happening in the room, that’s when I should have just tried to end the date sooner. That’s a red flag. If the chick is digging you she’s not going to tune you out when you’re talking to her or answering her questions. She seemed genuinely bored at what I had to say before I even finished speaking the first sentence.

 

 

To answer others questions about what I said when she asked what Inc looking for, I basically said that I’d like to see where things go, hang out a bunch and if it turns into a serious relationship with potential that would be awesome, but I’m not expecting that, it’s more of a hopeful thing. I need to get to know someone more. But I also said that I like to see if there’s chemistry in terms of kissing etc too, which is why if I’m attracted I’ll go for it. But again, I’ve been a little out of my element lately, this was my first date in about 2 months or So, so I was a little off and came On slightly desperate and tried to escalate physically when her body language was clearly not showing that she was ready.

Edited August 2, 2018 by Grey40

[ThreeRainbows]

Aww, rats.

 

 

 

Next!

[SevenCity]

As per my experience it's a good indicator of nothing. You kissed most of the girls on your first date, but it turned into nothing afterwards. Some people have sex on their first date and they're still together 5 years later.

 

Conclusion: Kiss on a 1st date means nothing.

 

OP: Stop putting bumps on your road like this. Whether you feel the 1st date was excellent or medium just go ahead with a second one. Like I explained often people (often women) need a 2nd and 3rd date to identify what they feel. Forget about her attention wondering, there could be a thousand reasons, maybe a mom at the hospital or she realized her iron is till plugged at home. You feel like seeing her again? Invite her out again.

 

 

 

 

.

 

Well if nothing means a long term rl, you are mostly correct.

 

Though sex and mini relationships are something too.

 

Point is, a kiss on a first date is usually a good indicator they like you.

[Gaeta]

So I texted her asking for a second date this weekend. She took 24 hours to respond and simply said “hey sorry I can’t this weekend”. That’s it. She was never a big texter at all even before the first date and her taking a really long time to reply was normal, but that pretty much seals it.

Good for giving it a shot! It didn't work this time it may next time with a different woman.

 

I knew Inc my gut that she wasn’t feeling it all that much, and I did have some bad behavior that came off maybe a little desperate/insecure at times too. I know what I did wrong basically.

It takes self reflection and humbleness to admit that, to me it shows you have a good character and are able to learn and make adjustment along the way. I have no doubt eventually you will meet someone worthy of your time. Don't give up!