Ex-boyfriend dumped me in a really nasty way. How do I get over a mean breakup?

[Stripperiffic]

This may be a little long cuz I wanted to give background info to the screenshot of him being awful.

 

Background: I've never pinned my ex to be a mean person. He was usually kind and sweet towards me. He's 21 and I'm 25. We were together for a year and 2 months. We did have a major breakup once during this time in March because he thought he wasn't ready for a relationship and needed to focus on himself, but he contacted me again after 9 days and we got back together. He never deleted me off anything. This breakup was blindsided and at the time, I was a wreck because there was no sign of it coming.

 

However, yesterday, he broke up with me again. But this time, I kind of saw it coming and I'm not sure how to handle my view that this person I've loved could breakup with me in such a mean way. I keep wondering, "What could I have done?" and "What did I do wrong?"

 

To sum it up, for two weeks prior, I had back-to-back periods and huge mood fluctuations due to my birth control. I complained a lot and had a sassy attitude. During this, we argued back and forth over little things, but it seemed to take a toll on him. At one point, our worst fight was over Pokemon Go, because he wanted to play during a 3 hour community event and drove a lot to get me for it (I'm in New York and he's in Connecticut - he usually drove 3.5 hours to see me on weekends) and due to the heat and my moodiness, I only played for an hour and he got really, really upset over it. I did tell him I didn't think we'd be playing for 3 hours straight but he thought I was just joking around.

 

Fast forward to this whole week, where my period ends and I'm back to normal. He seems stressed and distant the whole week, even though I've been kind to him and affectionate and definitely not as moody or complaining. He keeps telling me he feels stressed around me and I'm trying to do whatever I can to make him not feel that way. But he starts telling me I'm an irritating person, he doesn't care (about everything I say - my feelings or how I try to remind him I care about his feelings and etc). He's apathetic. I ask him if he has depression or something, because this is out of the norm behavior for him. He says no, but then yesterday occurs.

 

We text through the day and he tells me he feels stressed because:

 

1) We don't agree politically, so we don't talk politics, but he wants to be able to talk about it with me because he's passionate about politics.

 

2) We don't agree on finances. My view is: We split things evenly if we both have stable income and according to who makes more. When he can't afford things, I'll pay for food and gas. When I can't, I'd expect he'd do the same in return. During the college year, I paid for everything and was 100% okay with that. Now that he's making more money during his summer internship, more than me, he wants to save. No problem. But I do expect him to contribute more on food & gas, and he was, but slowly started getting more annoyed with doing so. He said he doesn't agree with my idea on it, but when I asked him to explain how, he just said "I don't have to explain myself to you and I'm not getting into it." He also said he doesn't want to talk about it with me if I can say "but you make more money than me".

 

3) I have to much anxiety. Which is true, I do have an anxiety disorder. But he always knew that.

4) I complain too much.

He then texts me that he doesn't want to live with me in the future. He comes home and we call on Discord and I try to talk about it, and he cuts it off after about 4 minutes or so and says "I can't deal with this, talk to you never probably" and hangs up on me. Then he types the following in this screenshot: http://oi68.tinypic.com/j58689.jpg

 

Convo I didn't screenshot:

Me: Why are you breaking up with me like this?

Him: I can no longer handle the stress.

Me: I'm not trying to stress you out, I wanted to chill with you tonight. You’ve been on edge when there’s no need to be. I’m not complaining and I’ve improved on that quite a bit.

Him: That is good for yourself, but for me, I can't do it anymore.

Me: I don’t understand why you tell me to **** off.

Him: Please go away. If you need something, then you can text me.

Me: Why can’t we talk on a call?

 

Right after that, he deleted me off everything, but kept my number unblocked in case I needed to contact him over something, like retrieving stuff of mine he might still have.. But in my moment of weakness, I begged him not to completely cut contact with me on Discord, so he still has me added there. But what did I do to warrant such a reaction? He was so mean, as if I hurt him in some awful way, but I didn't. This is so bizarre.

 

I also want to mention, he brought up how he thinks he might have depression too. He only considered it after I mentioned it. The day he dumped me, he had yelled at his mom earlier that day, and he never yells. He did say he woke up feeling stressed because of her though. He also admitted he hadn't been caring about everything around him, but thinks I'm the cause of the depression due to the stress he feels around me and needs to make some changes, starting with getting rid of me.

 

I guess I'm just asking... How do I make sense of this? Why would he act this way? How do I just move on? Why would he keep my number unblocked? And why breakup in such a mean way? I'm not going to contact him after this, if he wants to speak to him, he can message me. (but I'm secretly still using his netflix lol). But I just feel like... I don't get it. I need somebody to tell me some rationalization or make me see things clearly.

[darkmoon]

imho, I think he was not that committed which got you the "I don't have to explain myself to you and I'm not getting into it."

[Stripperiffic]

imho, I think he was not that committed which got you the "I don't have to explain myself to you and I'm not getting into it."

 

Like not committed in general, or not committed and might be interested in somebody else?

 

Sorry if I'm reading too much into it, I'm just really stumped.

[ThreeRainbows]

He didn't feel respected.

[Stripperiffic]

He didn't feel respected.

I'm not sure why he couldn't just communicate that then. Of course I respected him, but I guess I can kinda see how he could come to that conclusion.

[ExpatInItaly]

That is a lot of resentment spewing forth from him. I don't think it was one episode in particular, but a culmination of tension over time that led to this. To be very clear, I don't think you deserve to be spoken to that way. He was very rude.

 

However, it seems you two are very incompatible and he doesn't want to try to work things out. If there's already been one break-up, let this one be the last. You would be best to move from him. It's clearly not working anymore.

[Stripperiffic]

That is a lot of resentment spewing forth from him. I don't think it was one episode in particular, but a culmination of tension over time that led to this. To be very clear, I don't think you deserve to be spoken to that way. He was very rude.

 

However, it seems you two are very incompatible and he doesn't want to try to work things out. If there's already been one break-up, let this one be the last. You would be best to move from him. It's clearly not working anymore.

 

Yeah, the way he spoke to me was over the top. He has never been like that before, but this week he just did a complete 180.

 

I think you're right. It doesn't seem like something that could happen overnight. It just hurts a lot. I really did love him and wish there was something more I could have done. A part of me is hoping he contacts me again, but I'm not betting on it.

[ThreeRainbows]

You seem like a very strong willed and assertive lady. Two very awesome qualities in a woman. However, when we're like that (and I am too), the shadow side to it is that we can lose control of our emotional reactions, and their effect on those we love.

 

 

To improve your future relationships, I would practice learning emotional regulation. Maybe read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray. Super helpful in teaching how to safely express anger and other emotions without damaging your bond.

 

 

 

GL.

[FMW]

I think he was incredibly rude and that was a horrible way to break up. No excuse for that.

 

However -

 

We women can be amazingly bxxxxy during hormonal ups and downs and if it's an ongoing rollercoaster, which it sounds like it has been (even though you say you've improved lately) it was probably just too much for him and killed off any desire he had to continue. (I'm a woman, but I ended a friendship with someone because she was just really awful to me at times and then when she was feeling calmer didn't understand why I couldn't just give her a pass because she "couldn't help it".)

 

It sounds like you also have significant areas of incompatibility.

 

So as to how to get over the breakup? All the normal advice that is so hard to do, but necessary. Don't contact him. Spend time with friends, on your hobbies.

 

We very often don't get the "closure" or explanations we need. But fighting to hold on is only going to hurt you more.

[Stripperiffic]

I think he was incredibly rude and that was a horrible way to break up. No excuse for that.

 

However -

 

We women can be amazingly bxxxxy during hormonal ups and downs and if it's an ongoing rollercoaster, which it sounds like it has been (even though you say you've improved lately) it was probably just too much for him and killed off any desire he had to continue. (I'm a woman, but I ended a friendship with someone because she was just really awful to me at times and then when she was feeling calmer didn't understand why I couldn't just give her a pass because she "couldn't help it".)

 

It sounds like you also have significant areas of incompatibility.

 

So as to how to get over the breakup? All the normal advice that is so hard to do, but necessary. Don't contact him. Spend time with friends, on your hobbies.

 

We very often don't get the "closure" or explanations we need. But fighting to hold on is only going to hurt you more.

 

I definitely wasn't the easiest to handle those two weeks, so I get it.

 

I think maybe I didn't really realize how incompatible we were. I thought the money idea was simple and guaranteed and as far as politics, yeah I always knew we would never agree and we argued about it in the past, but I didn't think not talking about it was a dealbreaker.

 

I just feel regretful I couldn't fix any mistakes on my part that may have drove him away and made him resentful.

[Stripperiffic]

You seem like a very strong willed and assertive lady. Two very awesome qualities in a woman. However, when we're like that (and I am too), the shadow side to it is that we can lose control of our emotional reactions, and their effect on those we love.

 

 

To improve your future relationships, I would practice learning emotional regulation. Maybe read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray. Super helpful in teaching how to safely express anger and other emotions without damaging your bond.

 

 

 

GL.

I'll check it out, thank you!

[spiderowl]

He was very rude and there was no need for that behaviour.

 

It does sound like you two are incompatible. He can't talk to you about politics, you differ on attitudes to money.

 

Hormonal swings don't help either. I do know what that's like but you can't take it out on him.

 

Regardless, he was rude and obviously cannot cope with emotion.

 

In order for a relationship to work, both people need patience and enough compatibility, respect and love for each other to cope with the down times. You two just didn't have enough in common with each other to weather the bad times.

 

When things don't work out, there is a strong need to understand. I know what that is like. Sometimes, things just don't make sense and they never will. People's bad behaviour rarely ever makes sense. If you try to make sense of all this, it would wear you out.

 

It would be best to accept this is over and that he was not what you needed. His way out was rude. At least you know now that you need a kinder person who shares more values with you.

 

Unfortunately, you can't expect men to understand how you feel when suffering from PMT. All you can do is to try not to blame them for it. It might be worth seeing your doctor to see if anything can help you. I never found anything that did but some people do find hormone treatment helpful. I do know what it is like to suffer each month and have every sympathy.