Chevchelios83 Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 Hey people I've resorted to posting here in search of some advice, I'm not expecting a miracle but I'm hoping perhaps hearing other people's view might be a help.. I have been in a relationship with a girl since last November, initially we had a date in the August and although enjoyable, I decided at the time not to pursue anything further. Fast forward to the November we had kept in touch and she always made me laugh so we started dating and we have been together since. After around 4 weeks her mentalhealth deteriorated, long story short in transpires she has bad anxiety which was causing all sorts of issues. Regardless of them I have stuck with her through some very difficult times, feeling at times that I was pushing her up a giant hill walking through 5ft of melted toffee. She practically lived at my house as she was off sick for 4months. During this time I have supported her and tried to find her the help she needed. Fast forward to today, we are having some space at my request. I feel everything has taken its toll on me, the constant reassuring the indecisiveness, the rigid thinking ( she thinks she has to be in bed at 10pm and asleep by 1030 ,if not ends up on the ceiling with anxiety). I feel I've tried so hard to make this work regardless of these things even though a lot of the time it's come at a cost to me ,as I've had to adapt my lifestyle to accommodate hers. I'm nearly 35 with a career aiming for retirement at 55 ,I've had my own place since I was 22. She is 26 almost 27. No idea of her career, still lives at home has 30k student debt and although she has a first in her degree doesn't want to work in that sector any more. It's hard to put into words how hard it has been at times due to her rigid thinking, but I also feel at times we are on completely different chapters in life. I have tried to push her outside her comfort zone at times and try to get her to help herself, when she needs me I've been there, but I feel exhausted. Even getting her a car was a nightmare, she was adamant she wouldn't be able to drive and It would be a disaster, now she is driving like a pro. She has so much potential, she got one of the highest marks of her year in uni and as a person, is the most kind caring sensitive sole I know, she has a glowing aura about her, she never has a bad word to say about anyone. The problem is, she seems to keep Herself in this unreal child like mindset, she takes no interest in current affairs,and for someone who has a first degree knows very little about life, infact becomes anxious at the thought of 'adult'life. She has told me she loves me, for some reason I can't say it back. I have feelings for her and think the world of her why would I have stuck around otherwise? However I can't carry on feeling like this, I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want, I know she deserves to be loved equally and I feel guilty I can't give her that, I'm also so frustrated with myself as she is such a gorgeous beautiful person, and as time goes by she makes massive progress with her anxiety. Why do I feel like I don't think I want to be with her? And yet I can't let go? I don't want to hurt her infact I feel like her protector,but that has come at a cost as I feel I've become exhausted. It's as if she needs a strong nurturing parent voice to steer and guide her but all I see from her is a vulnerable child that needs constant supervision and guidance. I'm genuinely sad about it because the last thing I want is to hurt her or have her stuck in limbo. Why can't I just feel happy and move forward with the relationship? Apologies for the short story *
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 You see a lot of good & all the potential, which is why part of you wants to be with her. It's not easy to find somebody who makes you laugh Intellectually you also know that her problems, conditions & most of all her refusal to change will derail all of your life plans. If you have to support you & her plus possibly a kid, retirement at 55 is a pipe dream because she will probably never be an equal financial partner. You are reluctant to call it quits because you fear the emotional fall out from your rejection. Unfortunately you can't continue dating her just to spare her feelings. If she has a therapist you can ask if you can come to a session to talk about what needs to change after you explain it to her. Otherwise, save yourself.
Author Chevchelios83 Posted July 29, 2018 Author Posted July 29, 2018 You see a lot of good & all the potential, which is why part of you wants to be with her. It's not easy to find somebody who makes you laugh Intellectually you also know that her problems, conditions & most of all her refusal to change will derail all of your life plans. If you have to support you & her plus possibly a kid, retirement at 55 is a pipe dream because she will probably never be an equal financial partner. You are reluctant to call it quits because you fear the emotional fall out from your rejection. Unfortunately you can't continue dating her just to spare her feelings. If she has a therapist you can ask if you can come to a session to talk about what needs to change after you explain it to her. Otherwise, save yourself. You've summed that up almost perfectly, although what you say is accurate I just can't bring myself to end it*
FMW Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 You have to base decisions on who and what she is now, not on her potential. There is no guarantee she will change, and most likely she will not. This is how it will be if you stay with her. Don't stay with her out of guilt, it's not good for either of you. She will become more and more dependent on you and you will feel more and more burdened. I know it's hard, but the sooner you cut the ties the sooner you can both move on. 2
smackie9 Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 How and when is the question....well asking for space is a start. Maybe during that time she will reflect on what is wrong. Just my opinion, you are not her therapist, nor is it your duty to save her. She is an adult and needs to figure it out on her own, and she can't do that when you enable her. So you are actually doing her a favor by stepping out. The only way this can work is be totally honest with her.
coolheadal Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 (edited) You've summed that up almost perfectly, although what you say is accurate I just can't bring myself to end it������* I am living like this my friend too, sometimes it's hard to give up on them. I always believe in giving them a chance as man how I was raised. You need to see the entire picture and don't get lured into things. They're smart and clever and sometimes devious. Yeah sometimes they love us and hate us too. I see you have the same notion not to reciprocate when they say they love you. If your just not feeling the same back. Because of their prolong behavior aimed at you. She can't help herself to be the way she is. Don't expect her to change anytime soon. Edited July 29, 2018 by coolheadal
Author Chevchelios83 Posted July 29, 2018 Author Posted July 29, 2018 Thank you all for your replies I will have to take some time to decide a way forward.. 1
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