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Ex-boyfriend wants to be FWB, and gave me keys to his place.

Purple Haze

By Purple Haze
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Purple Haze New Member

Purple Haze

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My ex-boyfriend and I broke up 3 months ago after a 5-year relationship for most of which we lived together. Our breakup was mutual and amicable. Even as I was moving out, we made plans to hang out.

 

Soon after I moved out, I had a change of heart and wanted to see if we could salvage our relationship. I asked him if he would consider seeing a couples counsellor. He said no, saying we needed to figure ourselves out individually. I accepted the end of our relationship.

 

We attempted to hang out as friends a few times, but ended up having sex each time. I realized it wasn't working for me and initiated NC. Though he wanted to be FWB, he respected my wishes for NC. A few weeks after that, I broke the NC and we agreed to try to become friends.

 

A week ago, he said he missed the affection, intimacy, and me. I reminded him that FWB didn't work for me because it confused me and gave me false hope. He said he understood. We still ended up having sex.

 

Yesterday, he suggested leaving his apartment keys with me because he was going away for 2 weeks. When I came to pick the keys up, we had the same conversation we had last week, though this time I left without having sex.

 

Is he just as confused as I am or is he simply taking advantage of me and stringing me along? I probably know the answer, but could definitely use your help in getting clarity. (And yes, we have a communication problem, among other things.)

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

He's made his preference for FWB very clear. He is not taking advantage of you. Nor is he stringing you along. I can't see that he's made false promises.

The act of giving you his keys shows that he trusts you to care for his place and not steal the contents. I'm not sure why you think he is taking advantage of you.

 

The real question is: what do you want and what boundaries will you enforce to make sure your needs are met? And why go back to someone when after 5 years together, it still couldn't work?

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

Don't keep doing this to yourself, OP.

 

He doesn't want to get back together at this time, but is happy to take the sex if you're willing. This will not help you two repair your relationship, but it will hurt a lot when you realize he's only in it for the company and sexual intimacy.

 

If you don't want this, stop providing it. Give him his key back.

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guest569 Established Member

guest569

Posted
Posted

You say that you accepted the end of the relationship, but it doesn't seem like it. I think you need to be really strong and clear in your mind and your actions by following through with the breakup. You want to rekindle a relationship. He wants FWB. Friendship without benefits does not seem to be an option as you two just end up having sex regardless. I think you need to spend some time apart and try to process the breakup before considering trying to start a friendship with him. Maybe he is feeling confused, maybe he is just lonely. It is possible he still misses you but the fact is that you broke up (semi-mutually) and he has not made any clear statement that says he has changed his mind.

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Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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Posted

He doesn't want to fix the relationship but wants to use you and get his noodle wet...how sweet of him...

 

Don't lower bar to this, it will tear down your self esteem, give him his keys back and tell him to take a hike... a new guy that treats you with respect would be a better match

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BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

What everyone else said. He just wants to get laid every now and again. He's not confused and not taking advantage.

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Purple Haze New Member

Purple Haze

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Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you, everyone.

 

As an aside, I had hurt him a lot, not intentionally, but still. And he has been emotionally and mentally supportive of me throughout. I wanted our breakup to be as least painful as possible for him, and for myself. Time to cut the cord. Thanks.

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BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you, everyone.

 

As an aside, I had hurt him a lot, not intentionally, but still. And he has been emotionally and mentally supportive of me throughout. I wanted our breakup to be as least painful as possible for him, and for myself. Time to cut the cord. Thanks.

 

It's gonna be painful because it's a loss. Truly, the least painful way is to cut the cord & don't speak for awhile or maybe forever. Staying in contact or having sex are painful reminders that things are not how they used to be. If you go NC and heal, you might be able to look back with fond memories one day.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you, everyone.

 

As an aside, I had hurt him a lot, not intentionally, but still. And he has been emotionally and mentally supportive of me throughout. I wanted our breakup to be as least painful as possible for him, and for myself. Time to cut the cord. Thanks.

 

It's nearly always painful, but that subsides over time. Continuing to sleep together only intensifies the pain and delays your healing. It won't bring back someone who just doesn't want the relationship anymore.

 

So yes, it's time to cut the cord so you can both move on. Best wishes to you.

marky00 Established Member

marky00

Posted
Posted
I'm not sure why you think he is taking advantage of you.

 

I do.

 

Sure he's told her he wants a FWB so he's not in the wrong (technically). However, he's trying to evolve this into something that works for him more than it does her.

 

I've never heard of a female who was in a LTR and then settled for a FWB (basically just sex and hang out sometimes) and was happy with that situation.

 

After dating her for 5 years, he should know this isn't her thing and probably shouldn't have tempted her into this situation.

ThreeRainbows Established Member

ThreeRainbows

Posted
Posted
I do.

 

Sure he's told her he wants a FWB so he's not in the wrong (technically).

 

 

That's like telling someone to jump in hot lava. It's not wrong because, hey, they were in control of their actions.

 

 

FwB relationships are almost always one-sided unrequited love situations - especially if they evolve from a past relationship. Any guy who proposed such an idea to me screams "I have no empathy."

No_Go Established Member

No_Go

Posted
Posted

This is a very normal breakup transition, as long as you don’t get false hopes he’ll change and just enjoy the sex, makes perfect sense.

 

Breakups like relationships don’t happen in a day it is a process that can take months/years. Now you know you’re incompatible for living together (I assume from your post) but sex is probably still good so why not? When you’re ready to meet new people you’d just stop being FWB and move on.

 

IME post-break up FWB happened every time and fizzled to complete ceasing after 3-4 months, which is the time I’d have ‘mourned’ the RL loss anyway.

 

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up 3 months ago after a 5-year relationship for most of which we lived together. Our breakup was mutual and amicable. Even as I was moving out, we made plans to hang out.

 

Soon after I moved out, I had a change of heart and wanted to see if we could salvage our relationship. I asked him if he would consider seeing a couples counsellor. He said no, saying we needed to figure ourselves out individually. I accepted the end of our relationship.

 

We attempted to hang out as friends a few times, but ended up having sex each time. I realized it wasn't working for me and initiated NC. Though he wanted to be FWB, he respected my wishes for NC. A few weeks after that, I broke the NC and we agreed to try to become friends.

 

A week ago, he said he missed the affection, intimacy, and me. I reminded him that FWB didn't work for me because it confused me and gave me false hope. He said he understood. We still ended up having sex.

 

Yesterday, he suggested leaving his apartment keys with me because he was going away for 2 weeks. When I came to pick the keys up, we had the same conversation we had last week, though this time I left without having sex.

 

Is he just as confused as I am or is he simply taking advantage of me and stringing me along? I probably know the answer, but could definitely use your help in getting clarity. (And yes, we have a communication problem, among other things.)

marky00 Established Member

marky00

Posted
Posted (edited)
That's like telling someone to jump in hot lava. It's not wrong because, hey, they were in control of their actions.

 

Oh I agree, that's why I said technically. Doesn't make it right but.

 

If this was a FWB from the get-go and the ground rules were set out early on before people got invested, then it would be a little different. But it wasn't.

 

They were in a relationship for 5 years. For him to even be considering a FWB after that is pretty selfish on his part. He knows her and unless he's stupid, he must know she's hurting.

 

I've dumped girls before who really liked me and probably would have hung around even if it was just sex but I wasn't going to put them through that.

 

Words mean nothing in the end, its actions that count. Supposedly their BU was amicable but here is the OP writing this thread. It's pretty obvious to me she is the more invested and he has the power. Once again, unless he is stupid, he knows that as well. Simply saying its a FWB doesn't discount the fact that both parties are not emotionally invested equally.

 

Regarding your metaphor about jumping into larva. Sad thing is when dealing with heart ache, anything is possible. In such times, people don't think rationally and most dumpers should be aware of that. Leave them be and let them heal.

Edited by marky00
ThreeRainbows Established Member

ThreeRainbows

Posted
Posted
Regarding your metaphor about jumping into larva. Sad thing is when dealing with heart ache, anything is possible. In such times, people don't think rationally and most dumpers should be aware of that. Leave them be and let them heal.

 

 

Yes. If you asked the same person a couple years later if they wanted to be your FwB, what would their answer be then, I wonder? ;)

ThreeRainbows Established Member

ThreeRainbows

Posted
Posted
This is a very normal breakup transition, as long as you don’t get false hopes he’ll change and just enjoy the sex, makes perfect sense.

 

Breakups like relationships don’t happen in a day it is a process that can take months/years. Now you know you’re incompatible for living together (I assume from your post) but sex is probably still good so why not? When you’re ready to meet new people you’d just stop being FWB and move on.

 

IME post-break up FWB happened every time and fizzled to complete ceasing after 3-4 months, which is the time I’d have ‘mourned’ the RL loss anyway.

 

 

It's not so easy for the person being dumped/asked to be a FwB. You obviously don't have much experience being in that position. It is quite painful. They may not show you their true feelings, however.

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