zachary.e Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 My whole life I've always been an over thinker. I've always liked to feel secure and know exactly what's going on, and now I'm afraid that it's caused me trouble in my relationships. I've been with my girlfriend 6 years now, sort of on and off but mostly on. We usually get along really well and obviously love and care about each other a lot. Earlier this year we were having some issues because we were both really busy and decided we needed to take a break for a while, but we recently got back together. At first I wanted to take things slow and not rush into anything and she told me she would wait as long as she needed to for me to feel comfortable with getting back together. So after we made it official again that we were back together it was great for a while. We caught up on all we missed out on in each others lives and talked basically all day and night. I would wake up to long texts she would send me in the middle of the night saying how much she loved me etc, but now after a little while I feel like things are slowing down? I understand that sometimes she's busy or tired especially with work and we still talk often but our conversations seem a bit dry. She also has some family issues going on so that could be it as well. But sometimes I'm afraid that I'm starting to bore her or she's losing interest in me. We don't talk as much anymore especially about our relationship. She'll still tell me she loves me but usually only when we're about to say good night. She's not really the type to say express her emotions a lot and it can be hard to get it out of her sometimes and I don't really want to push her to but sometimes it's hard because I'm more emotional than most guys and I always express my feelings to her. I could be overthinking and overanalyzing small details about our interactions and in the end I know it can be toxic, but I still have that constant worry about whether she's pulling away and being distant because she's just not into me anymore. We've known each other for ages and know everything about each other, and like they say, staying in love and making it work is always a choice. I've thought about this a lot and can't seem to figure out whether I'm just being dramatic and overthinking or if this is an issue I need to talk to her about again or maybe even possibly cutting it off?
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 You are totally being overly dramatic. Life is not a romance novel or movie. Couples don't have the time or mental energy to spend hours & hours looking into each other's eyes, composing long messages of love or discussing the relationship. You are back together. She loves you. You love her. Now you have to live life: go to work, do the laundry, go grocery shopping, get dental check ups, deal with her family issues, get some sleep etc. What you want only exists in the movies. Reality: what you have is awesome & it's working. Stop looking for problems where none exist. 3
BaileyB Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 Six years is an awfully long time to be dating someone. You’ve settled into boring married life where you have nothing to talk about, because you know everything there is to know about someone, without actually having the wedding and getting married. How old are you? Is it possible that she is getting frustrated that it has been SIX years and the relationship isn’t moving forward - are you living together, have you talked about getting engaged? I agree with Donnivain, life is not a romance novel. There are times in a relationship when things get boring. There are times when you drive each other crazy. There are times when life stress intrudes and takes the joy from one partner. You are still looking for the fun and excitement that you felt when you were first dating, but it has been six years... be careful that you are not expecting too much. Good luck. 1
Romantic_Antics Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 Life is not a romance novel or movie. I wouldn't be so sure of that one, donni. My girlfriend and I's relationship puts The Notebook to shame. @zachary.e Welcome to the end of the honeymoon phase. It was short lived because you've been together for 6 years, but the conclusion of it, as things transition back to normalcy, doesn't signal the end of the relationship. That's a mistake that a lot of couples make so don't fall victim to it. Here are a few things you can do to rekindle the spark: 1) Get a little space (and time) if you're always together. Go for hikes, long bike rides, the gym (regularly), the book store, find a new hobby, etc. Whatever floats your boat or tickles your fancy. It'll make you more interesting to her and take your mind off your honeymoon phase flights of fancy. 2) Liven up the bedroom. Remember how awesome the sex was at the beginning of the relationship? Get that back by trying new things or simply being more romantic and more passionate about it. 3) Liven up your dates. Get dressed up for a nice restaurant, take a vacation together, go on fun dates (arcades, dancing, roller-skating, etc), and romantic dates. 4) Propose. Is she the one? Ask her to marry you. Any of those will recharge your romantic batteries. Good luck! 1
smackie9 Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 (edited) 6 years and you still feel uncomfortable and unsure about her interest? It's either she has issues and pulls away that causes your anxiety or it's you. If you feel you are the problem then get help. A therapist can dig deep pull up how it all started, figure out why, then help you resolve it. We cannot do what a therapist can do for you, we can only point you in the right direction. You call yourself an over thinker...that's just another name for anxiety. I suspect you may have a abandonment issues. Did you have a parent leave when you were a child? Edited July 29, 2018 by smackie9
Author zachary.e Posted July 30, 2018 Author Posted July 30, 2018 6 years and you still feel uncomfortable and unsure about her interest? It's either she has issues and pulls away that causes your anxiety or it's you. If you feel you are the problem then get help. A therapist can dig deep pull up how it all started, figure out why, then help you resolve it. We cannot do what a therapist can do for you, we can only point you in the right direction. You call yourself an over thinker...that's just another name for anxiety. I suspect you may have a abandonment issues. Did you have a parent leave when you were a child? Yeah, my mom passed when I was 15. Growing up I also had trouble making friends and felt abandoned a lot so that could also be part of the issue. I think I definitely do have anxiety but part of me can't help but feel that me worrying about her pulling away has something to do with her own feelings too. Maybe because this time I really am thinking about proposing and we have talked about it a lot but marriage is marriage and our whole on and off thing can't be happening anymore and I'm afraid that it will.
Author zachary.e Posted July 30, 2018 Author Posted July 30, 2018 Six years is an awfully long time to be dating someone. You’ve settled into boring married life where you have nothing to talk about, because you know everything there is to know about someone, without actually having the wedding and getting married. How old are you? Is it possible that she is getting frustrated that it has been SIX years and the relationship isn’t moving forward - are you living together, have you talked about getting engaged? I agree with Donnivain, life is not a romance novel. There are times in a relationship when things get boring. There are times when you drive each other crazy. There are times when life stress intrudes and takes the joy from one partner. You are still looking for the fun and excitement that you felt when you were first dating, but it has been six years... be careful that you are not expecting too much. Good luck. We're both in our 20's and haven't moved in together yet but we talk about getting engaged/married/ having kids all the time. I do feel like I need to take a step back and put myself in her shoes and not expect too much so I definitely agree with you.
Author zachary.e Posted July 30, 2018 Author Posted July 30, 2018 I wouldn't be so sure of that one, donni. My girlfriend and I's relationship puts The Notebook to shame. @zachary.e Welcome to the end of the honeymoon phase. It was short lived because you've been together for 6 years, but the conclusion of it, as things transition back to normalcy, doesn't signal the end of the relationship. That's a mistake that a lot of couples make so don't fall victim to it. Here are a few things you can do to rekindle the spark: 1) Get a little space (and time) if you're always together. Go for hikes, long bike rides, the gym (regularly), the book store, find a new hobby, etc. Whatever floats your boat or tickles your fancy. It'll make you more interesting to her and take your mind off your honeymoon phase flights of fancy. 2) Liven up the bedroom. Remember how awesome the sex was at the beginning of the relationship? Get that back by trying new things or simply being more romantic and more passionate about it. 3) Liven up your dates. Get dressed up for a nice restaurant, take a vacation together, go on fun dates (arcades, dancing, roller-skating, etc), and romantic dates. 4) Propose. Is she the one? Ask her to marry you. Any of those will recharge your romantic batteries. Good luck! Thanks for the great advice! I definitely feel like I need to try harder on my end to spice things up again and we have talked about getting married and everything a lot and for some time now. When the time is right I definitely will propose but at the moment I feel like I'm in a slump because I have this constant anxiety that she's having second thoughts about getting back together and at the same time she's going through a lot of things so I'm not sure if I should bring it up to her and try to talk about it. We'll see what happens. Thank you!
ThreeRainbows Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 You need open lines of communication. I would talk about your feelings with her. Don't be ashamed to get vulnerable. It's actually sexy. Just don't cross the line into neediness.
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