Should i forgive my fiance?

[tlc764]

I am in my late twenties and i am in med school, but try to spend as much time as i could with my fiance. He is a lawyer and we are due to marry in October. Despite our busy lives, we still have made eachother a priority.

 

We have been together for 6 years and overall, our relationship is pretty amazing. We are very compatible and get along great. We have a ton of fun together even if we are at home doing nothing. We live together btw.

 

One night, he asked me if i wanted to go drinking with him and his friends. He is not a drinker or a partier, so he kind of got drunk after some drinks. I trust him and never worried that anything of this sort would happen. But he got drunk and a girl that works with him, was also there and was coming on to him and they kissed. His buddies had gone home by now to their wives and he was still hanging with this girl. They shared a cab and they made out. She asked him to come up and he did go up, but after kissing, he stopped and decided to leave.

 

When he got home, he was quiet. I felt something was up, but thought maybe he is just tired.

 

 

The next morning he came to the bed and said he was feeling upset and wanted to talk. He confessed and told me that he got caught in the moment and was very sorry.

 

I was angry and hurt but i also was glad he was honest about it. I would not have found out about it if he did not tell me. I trusted he was being truthful because he is the type to be upfront about everything.

 

I decided to go and stay with a friend and told him i would talk to him in a few days . He has been calling non stop and saying he just wants to talk. He is saying he does love me and he did it in the moment but he did not sleep with her. I believe him but i still feel sick to my stomach.

 

What do i do? Should i end it or forgive him. I miss him a lot but im also quite resilient to deal with it too. I respect him him for being upfront and honest about it.

Edited July 28, 2018 by tlc764

[FMW]

I'm sure you'll hate hearing this, but follow your gut.

 

You feel sick right now- that's completely understandable. When you're ready to talk to him go ahead and listen to what he has to say.

 

You have a long relationship, if this is the first slip-up then maybe you can forgive and move forward. Only you know that. And yes, him confessing the next morning is a positive thing in this very negative experience.

 

Whatever you decide is perfectly acceptable - don't be pressured. Again, follow your gut. Be true to yourself.

[ThreeRainbows]

I would probably forgive him because he was very upfront. As long as you are sure he isn't lying about the actual sleeping with her. It's hard to believe he would turn around after going up and being drunk.

 

 

It's up to you what affects you emotionally. To me, it's definitely more about the way we handle messing up then the actual mess up.

 

 

You don't want to lose his respect, though, or he might take you for granted. Make sure he is absolutely sorry. Good idea to take a few days off.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would be doing more digging before deciding what to do.

 

What is the nature of his relationship to this girl? Have they been talking outside of work, has there been an attraction or something more than friendship between them? Yes, it's good that he told you but I think you need to get more information out of him.

 

I would also step back and really take a hard look at him, trying to establish what exactly he told himself to give himself permission to cheat. Yes, he was drunk, but he had the wherewithal to stop, so he also was cognizant enough to know he was betraying you. I would have a difficult talk with him about why he chose to jeopardize everything.

 

How have things been in your relationship recently?

[tlc764]

Thanks for the replies. I spoke to him but im still staying at my friends. He says he is willing to even take a lie detector test and hes even willing to transfer to a different firm. The girl works with him but he claims that it is very awkward at the office and told her he is engaged and he doesn't want to communicate with her. I do believe him but i am not sure what the next move is? I am very much in love with him and i trust that he has a conscience, which is why he told me the truth.

 

I have always believed that people who cheat should not get another chance. I say once a victim , second a volunteer. If i forgive him, i will be going against my own beliefs. But on the other hand, i do trust him and love him very much and do not want to throw away so many years and memories with him.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm a little confused on one point, did she not already know he was engaged? Or he only told her after he went home with her?

 

Again, I would find out more about his relationship with her prior to this episode. Something doesn't sound quite right here.

[Gretchen12]

Don't drag this on for too long. If you punish him too much now, then get back together, next time he may think twice before telling you things.

 

Should you forgive him? Based on your information, I think so. He did make a mistake. If it was a small thing, there'd be nothing to forgive. This is hard. That's what forgiveness means.

[LivingWaterPlease]

If you should decide to stay with him I believe it's very important that he has consequences for his actions.

 

You've done the right thing by going to stay with a friend as that constitutes a consequence. However, I believe I would postpone the wedding by a few months at least, partly as a consequence and partly to work through your feelings. I would make sure to tell him that, had he not told you about the incident, and you had heard it from someone else, you would have broken up with him instead of postponing the wedding. IMO, he needs to know he's getting grace because of his honesty in telling you.

 

Here's another thing that I'm sure won't be popular on this board but to which I adhere. I don't drink alcohol or date seriously those who do and the situation you and your fiance have found yourself in is one reason why. In the past when I have drunk alcohol, even as small amount as one glass of wine, I have found myself behaving in ways I later regretted.

 

I have also seen others doing so. For instance, a bf of mine who is a psychologist once divulged information about a counselee to another person at a party after he'd been drinking. He was not drunk. I told him about it the next day and he was surprised he'd done it. I dated him for four and a half years and that was the only time I ever heard him do that. He was extremely discrete about info his counselees' revealed otherwise.

 

I have just seen too many people do things they wouldn't ordinarily do while under the influence of even sometimes small amounts of alcohol.

 

Right now I'm dating a man who drinks. He is serious about marrying me but I have let him know i won't marry anyone who drinks, or become serious with the person.

 

That may be a consideration with your fiance. Perhaps one of the consequences for what he has done would be to require that he gives up drinking alcohol. Extreme consequence? Yes. But, he has demonstrated he loses his judgment when drinking. What he has done is very serious and he needs to realize that.

[ThreeRainbows]

I wouldn't consequence just for the sake of consequencing. That is a power-game. It could turn him off big time if he sees it for what it is.

 

 

 

But the above poster is right, without a consequence, what is to motivate behavior change? The trick, I have learned from teaching, is to make consequences logical and natural.

 

 

Don't put some arbitrary rule out there, but word things so they make sense. "I feel like, because of this incident, I want to wait a little longer before getting married. I want to make sure I can trust you fully before I commit my life to you."

 

 

So, while I feel LivingWaterPlease has the right of it, it's important that you show it in a way that is not about control, and more about logic.

[tlc764]

Thank you for your replies. I feel better. He isn't much of a drinker, but he is a lightweight when he does. I am not much of a drinker either, well not anymore. My party days are over.

 

I am wondering if couples counselling would be beneficial in this case? I don't know. I'm very confused and just want to make a decision.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you for your replies. I feel better. He isn't much of a drinker, but he is a lightweight when he does. I am not much of a drinker either, well not anymore. My party days are over.

 

I am wondering if couples counselling would be beneficial in this case? I don't know. I'm very confused and just want to make a decision.

 

If you plan on staying, absolutely. I wouldn't proceed without it.

 

He made a choice and engaged in deal-breaking behaviour and you both need to get to the bottom of why. Especially before embarking on a lifetime commitment.

[Mrin]

If you plan on staying, absolutely. I wouldn't proceed without it.

 

He made a choice and engaged in deal-breaking behaviour and you both need to get to the bottom of why. Especially before embarking on a lifetime commitment.

 

This. Honestly, when I normally see these types of posts I just hit the "leave him/her" button and move on. This one is kinda interesting. Dude did something very wrong and then did something very right. There is a redeeming quality to that.

 

All that being said, couple's counseling would be a great idea. As Expat said, you need to get to he bottom of why. That may be something that he really needs to dig deep for and the answer is probably elusive. I think when he finally finds the why he needs to figure out the "and now what". Obviously, you don't want this to ever happen again. Right? So if the "why" is a "because I was drunk" then the "and now what" would naturally be "and I won't get drunk anymore without you". But is that really satisfying? I don't know about you but if I was in a relationship where my woman cheated on me because she was drunk, I don't think I would ever feel very satisfied or secure with her even if she swore of booze for life. The type of security I would want would withstand being really drunk.

 

And so that's why I would dig past the "because I was drunk" in his quest for the why. Would he rob a bank if he was drunk? Or commit murder? Probably not. Then why would he cheat on you when drunk?

 

Anyhow, not sure if that makes sense but good on ya for thinking this through.

[ThreeRainbows]

And so that's why I would dig past the "because I was drunk" in his quest for the why. Would he rob a bank if he was drunk? Or commit murder? Probably not. Then why would he cheat on you when drunk?

 

 

My guess is because he's male and has sexual fantasies about that girl he made out with. He has wandering eyes. Can you stand to live with that, OP?

 

 

Couples counseling is a great idea.

[Gretchen12]

Couples counseling? Yes but you are the one that needs more counseling to feel ok to move forward. For him it's pretty simple, imo. I don't think your fiance is a cheater. I think he can't hold his liquor. And a lot of men can be seduced by women when alcohol is involved. That's how men are. He needs to know this and not get himself into that situation in the future. The "choice" of kissing the girl was done while drunk. At least he remembers what happened. He needs to choose not to drink.

[d0nnivain]

You are due to get married in October. First the bad news: You are not getting any of your wedding money back. However, losing that is still cheaper then a divorce.

 

On the one hand he came to his senses & left. On the other hand there were a lot of different decision points here. If the OW kissed him in the bar & he still shared a cab with her that is a problem. Making out in the cab then going up is a problem. Do you really believe him that nothing else happened? Can you reach out to the woman & ask her?

 

Premarital counseling is absolutely required. There will always be pretty associates, partners, adversaries, experts & clients. There are also a number of social activities for lawyers that involve drinking; they call it The Bar for a reason.

[stillafool]

]I'm a little confused on one point' date=' did she not already know he was engaged?[/b'] Or he only told her after he went home with her?

 

Again, I would find out more about his relationship with her prior to this episode. Something doesn't sound quite right here.

 

It's impossible for her to not know. When a young lawyer gets engaged at a firm it's a big deal. Everyone finds out.

 

I suspect there was flirting going on in the office and this girl took it up a notch at the bar; or he did.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's impossible for her to not know. When a young lawyer gets engaged at a firm it's a big deal. Everyone finds out.

 

I suspect there was flirting going on in the office and this girl took it up a notch at the bar; or he did.

 

Yes, I realize that - but OP said in a previous post that it's awkward now at work between them and he told he's engaged.

 

I wasn't sure if that means she somehow didn't know until now, or if she has known all along. The wording was a little strange, so OP, can you clarify?

[tlc764]

No, she already knew.He just said he had to remind her that hes engaged and hes happy ( or so he says).

 

My anger is subsiding, and its making it harder to be mad at him. I guess now i'm starting to feel insecure about this other woman. I am wondering if i should talk to her directly?

 

Majority of responses i'm getting, including my family and friends are that i should forgive. They all love him and know him as a person and know that it took guts to tell me the truth.

 

How will i ever be able to trust him again after this?

 

I'm still at my friends, but i'm thinking to call him today for a chat.

[stillafool]

No, she already knew.He just said he had to remind her that hes engaged and hes happy ( or so he says).

 

My anger is subsiding, and its making it harder to be mad at him. I guess now i'm starting to feel insecure about this other woman. I am wondering if i should talk to her directly?

.

 

Do you know this young woman? Aren't you concerned that it will make a scene and embarrass your fiance? I don't know if that is a good idea.

[d0nnivain]

Calling him to talk is a good first step toward resolution, whatever that may be.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, she already knew.He just said he had to remind her that hes engaged and hes happy ( or so he says).

 

It's not her that needs the reminder, but yes, it's good that he made it perfectly clear that he is not single and not interested in fooling around again.

 

I would talk to him. Ask him to be honest with you about this woman, and how friendly they were leading up to this. As I mentioned before, I would be trying to establish whether there's been some build-up between them before this incident.

[Whodatdog]

I think you need to look at the bigger picture here.

 

The fact that he not only stopped anything further, but trusted you enough to tell you, to me, is huge. Sure he made a little mistake...can anyone here look in the mirror and say you are perfect? In the bigger picture of a lifetime relationship, where would this matter? Would it? Is the rest of the relationship worth throwing away because of little....I cant even call it an indiscretion, because nothing really happened.....incident that he told you about and is apologetic about?

 

Your decision. But I know what Id do.

[ExpatInItaly]

One need not be perfect to understand and abide by the boundaries generally required to preserve that lifetime relationship. It's not that hard to say no and, you know, not make out and go home with your cute coworker.

 

As such, I disagree that nothing happened. He made a series of choices that he knew could jeopardize his relationship. From hooking up with her in the bar, to fooling around in a cab, to going all the way to her house before backing out - in my books, that ain't "nothing." I don't think that a lack of sex renders the entire episode meaningless. Obviously, that's not the case for OP either, or she wouldn't have taken space from him. Judging by her reaction, this is indeed an indiscretion for her, which is what I have been basing my own contributions on.

 

I agree this his honesty and remorse are positive points. And I agree that they can probably work through this. However, I would not sweep it under the rug as a minor mistake. Before making a lifelong commitment to someone, I would want to make darned sure we understand why the infidelity occurred, what is going to be different the next time he finds himself liquored up and in a potentially compromising position, and how the trust will be rebuilt moving forward. To do anything less would be a disservice to my own integrity, the way I see it.

Edited August 4, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[BC1980]

I think he could have just made a mistake and gotten caught up in the moment like he said. That's certainly a reasonable explanation. He did admit what he did, which says a lot. He's not sneaking around behind your back. But it's expected that you would be very upset and wonder at how to proceed. I think it's a really good idea to see a marriage counselor, so you can both share your thoughts with a neutral party and then have some suggestions for how to move forward.

[ThreeRainbows]

One thing I will say... People tend to repeat the types of mistakes they make in a relationship.

 

 

When my ex husband and I were courting, we had an incident that resulted in me leaving him. A few days later, he showed up at my doorstep in tears with flowers, begging me to forgive him. I did. Throughout our marriage, the same issue kept arising. Eventually I left.