Gretchen12 Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 ThisisIt606, keep it short but not sweet. I'd just say "I'm dumping you." I would not say I wish him the best because in your situation I would not wish him the best. 1
guest569 Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 ThisisIt606, keep it short but not sweet. I'd just say "I'm dumping you." I would not say I wish him the best because in your situation I would not wish him the best. Thats so harsh. I would write: "I think we should stop seeing each other as we're not on the same page, so it isn't going to work out. All the best" (all the best, or take care.. Says 'goodbye and don't bother me anymore' in a subtle and polite way) 2
anduina Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 hey all- I can't possibly catch up with all of these but thanks for the input. I just wanted to provide an update that I'll be dumping him via text. Wondering if it's best to keep it short and sweet OR go into some detail as to why ( finding out about dating app, acting weird, debacles with the dog and new job, changing subject -etc) He just canceled dinner tomorrow and said he's swamped with work and asked for this weekend. I left it as "i'm not sure, will let you know" he then changed the subject to on the bright side... *something impressive about his job that makes no sense to me.* and said he was sorry but swamped. I said congrats- will let you know about the weekend! and he said "thanks" I DO plan to dump. Thoughts on doing it tonight or waiting a few days? In his twisted mind I don't want him to think i'm just being a b*tch about getting canceled on for dinner, in reality it's a whole lot more than thatGhost him.
ThreeRainbows Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 ThisisIt606, keep it short but not sweet. I'd just say "I'm dumping you." I would not say I wish him the best because in your situation I would not wish him the best. Honesty, love it. I wouldn't wish him anything, either. I might tact it up a touch and say "Name, I feel it's time we go our separate ways. Goodbye." Just so it doesn't look like a text from a middle-schooler... 1
MaleIntuition Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 I see. I hope you have the decency to tell the woman that when you are dating exclusively, she’s still free to talk to men on the dating sites. This has never been about me or My definition. Are your implying that all occupied women really want to talk to strangers on the internet but are held back only by their verbal agreement?
MaleIntuition Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 Then don't declare exclusivity. You're misleading someone, and you are only lying to yourself if you think otherwise. Rationalizing to make it all right. Justifying your behavior to yourself. This is deception - and self-deception. It's subtle, but it's deception nonetheless. It seems to me that some people think with logic, and without any emotional input. That is a shame, because that kind of thinking gets so many people hurt. No. You are misleading yourself if you think that a couple of words leads to more commitment, again there is a reason why we even have the in between stages of dating. Some even argues that OP should ghost at this point. In an exclusive relationship? Really? And you also think it’s okey to be rude to him? That’s just petty and hypocritical. OP didn’t rush home and delete her app either. And you are also naive if you assume that everyone defines exclusivity in exactly the same way you do - so make sure that you are on the same page. But to make this perfectly fcking clear: I personally would NOT be active online. This. Is. Not. About. Me. But, I do consider it unfair to judge someone based on our own assumptions that may or may not have been known. “Yeah I kept my app so that I could keep an I on you! Deducting a point her since you didn’t delete it within a timely fashion... but hmm you did pay for the date so that’s half a point per date... but the ladies on LS think I should dump you... ” Yes, most men have a preference for basing their decisions on logic rather than feelings. Which (ironically(?)) ought to make my viewpoints worth considering. 1
guest569 Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 It seems logical to break it off with someone who says "let's be exclusive" and it clearly actively using a dating website. I think you're the only one who thinks that "exclusive" is some really confusing and debatable term. 1
JuneL Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 This has never been about me or My definition. Are your implying that all occupied women really want to talk to strangers on the internet but are held back only by their verbal agreement? Not all, but I would think most women (or men, for that matter) with a healthy self esteem would want to drop the guy like a hot potato and date others, if they know his idea of dating exclusively means he’ll continue to update his dating profile, or keep having his fwb/ons (“I’m not dating my fwb/ons, right?”).
salparadise Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 (edited) I think you're the only one who thinks that "exclusive" is some really confusing and debatable term. No, he's not the only one. I have a somewhat different slant and said my piece several pages back, so haven't felt inclined to engage the b&w thinking, kick'em to the curb mentality. But I'm sure that MaleIntuition is not the only person who does not see everything in b&w. For example, it's understandable for FWBs to be exclusive (for reasons of sexual health), and yet have virtually no commitment. Exclusive is a binary term––you either are or you aren't, no shades of gray. Commitment is a progressive state... hanging out, friends, dating, going steady, pre-engaged, engaged, wedding date set, married, 50th anniversary. However, there are married couples who are highly committed, yet have agreed to be non-exclusive. Only context brings these words into the same conversation. It's interesting how butt-hurt so many women became over the photo upload given that they recently met on the dating site, she still had a profile active too, and there really hadn't been time to establish a groove. My guess is that such strong reactions, especially for those who also engaged in name-calling and character defamation, is indicative of deeper gender issues. There is no light touch as one might expect in a dating advice thread... it's symbolically personal. And then the encouragement for OP to ghost or be highly disrespectful. What is all of this really about? Edited August 4, 2018 by salparadise 1
Gaeta Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 Interesting that the only 2 people with a different definition of 'exclusive' are males. I don't know 1 woman that would think finding her 'exclusive' date on a dating site is normal. Men also know what we, women, mean by exclusivity. It's one thing to see your exclusive date online, it's another to see him upload new pictures. Men absolutely know we would have a problem with it.
BluEyeL Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 I’m a woman and I actually agree with the men on this. This is what I think -It’s only been one month. Even if they are exclusive , and not going on dates with other people, it doesn’t mean it’s time to delete the app so soon. They barely know each other. They are not in a relationship just yet and you can’t speed the formation of a relationship just because you want to. -Putting this kind of pressure on a (early) dating partner it’s a turn off. The relationship is now more likely to fail because of drama that was already created , at a time when everything should be just fun. People should try their hardest to control their anxiety when dating. Just do nothing and observe . And I’m not for dump immediately, dump only when you gathered enough info to be sure. Now, the cancelation doesn’t sound good to me and I’m sure part of it is because the atmosphere was already somewhat altered. 3
Versacehottie Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 I’m a woman and I actually agree with the men on this. This is what I think -It’s only been one month. Even if they are exclusive , and not going on dates with other people, it doesn’t mean it’s time to delete the app so soon. They barely know each other. They are not in a relationship just yet and you can’t speed the formation of a relationship just because you want to. -Putting this kind of pressure on a (early) dating partner it’s a turn off. The relationship is now more likely to fail because of drama that was already created , at a time when everything should be just fun. People should try their hardest to control their anxiety when dating. Just do nothing and observe . And I’m not for dump immediately, dump only when you gathered enough info to be sure. Now, the cancelation doesn’t sound good to me and I’m sure part of it is because the atmosphere was already somewhat altered. Ditto. It's not just the guys who think like this; i'm with a lot of what they said. I just avoided jumping into the fray of what was being debated and what measures etc were seemingly presented as indications of what each person should use in assessment of that....discussion seemed to stray from the OP's situation. On that alone, seems like neither deleted their profile or she would not have been able to check up on him but new photos on his profile would seem like he's doing something outside the realm of what they agreed to. I'd be off of him because his answer that dating is hard or takes too much time whatever he said would seem lackluster. I don't think a knee jerk reaction though when someone doesn't present themselves exactly as your definition of a relationship goes is what people should do or expect or you will be severely disappointed. Part of black and white thinking is it stops good communication and lots of assumptions are become stronger than getting the other person's point of view so you can make informed decisions. And it plays on your overall beliefs of genders, dating and your self worth and your perceived experiences--not too helpful. And as Blue Eye said it will change the atmosphere and dynamic so that often the event you are worried about will occur for no other reason than the dynamic was changed by what is going on in your head. I'm not saying give people a pass when they do not deserve one but sitting back and observing for a bit doesn't hurt either and talking through things and allowing things to unfold a little are helpful too. That the beginning will unfold PERFECTLY without any bumps in the road or learning how to understand one another is a fairytale for many couples who are together happily now that if they had believed and acted on ("it's not going perfectly and he didn't do things exactly as I would expect") would not be together. No one has a crystal ball. This is not an endorsement for this guy. I have no idea if is good or bad. Just saying that black and white thinking and bad communication serve no one. Even if in the end you come to the same conclusion to dump him. I don't agree with doing it in a spiteful way because I think it's important to conduct your life in a way that resonates with who you are and want to be (rise above basically).. Spiteful has lots of emotion behind it, wanting a reaction in some way that yeah you hurt him/got him. If you are indifferent or moving on, you would break up with in a way that is most helpful to you (more calm and resolute way, with an eye toward YOUR future, less emotional). It's been one month--keep it in perspective. Good luck 3
Author ThisisIt606 Posted August 4, 2018 Author Posted August 4, 2018 (edited) update from my last update.... We agreed to dinner at his place tonight. He went to get his dog last night and apparently stayed at his family's place over night. He texted me this AM and confirmed a time to meet. A few hours later.... he sends a LONG paragraph about how his brother/fiance have a wedding tasting tonight (at the same time he asked me to meet him) and he is suck there as his brother was his ride home. He's sorry, hopes I can forgive him, and apologized for being a flake. Said he had no idea and is really frustrated. I told him that's too bad/disappointing. I asked if I could call now and he said he's out with them but can call later and asked to see me next week. I send him a message saying I don't think this is working out due to so many cancelations/plans not working and it doesn't feel good to be canceled on. He has not responded and I doubt he will. Definitely done with him- getting back on the app for a guy who can commit and not be a flake. Edited August 4, 2018 by ThisisIt606
losangelena Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 Can he not ... get an Uber or something? Wow, he seems like a bit of a wreck. Did he not know his brother was having a wedding tasting when he made plans with you? Did he not think to drive separately? Unless you really, really like someone, this behavior is tedious.
anduina Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 update from my last update.... We agreed to dinner at his place tonight. He went to get his dog last night and apparently stayed at his family's place over night. He texted me this AM and confirmed a time to meet. A few hours later.... he sends a LONG paragraph about how his brother/fiance have a wedding tasting tonight (at the same time he asked me to meet him) and he is suck there as his brother was his ride home. He's sorry, hopes I can forgive him, and apologized for being a flake. Said he had no idea and is really frustrated. I told him that's too bad/disappointing. I asked if I could call now and he said he's out with them but can call later and asked to see me next week. I send him a message saying I don't think this is working out due to so many cancelations/plans not working and it doesn't feel good to be canceled on. He has not responded and I doubt he will. Definitely done with him- getting back on the app for a guy who can commit and not be a flake.If he responds, don't reply. You should have ghosted him.
Author ThisisIt606 Posted August 4, 2018 Author Posted August 4, 2018 Can he not ... get an Uber or something? Wow, he seems like a bit of a wreck. Did he not know his brother was having a wedding tasting when he made plans with you? Did he not think to drive separately? Unless you really, really like someone, this behavior is tedious. I was thinking uber too but idk of they allow dogs, plus it's a 1.5h drive so who knows how $$ that would be. However I wonder IF his brother apparently drove him to his parents, did my guy not think to ask "hey, what are you going to our parents place for?" when my guy's purpose was to go and pick up the dog. I even bought the dog a welcome home toy and got a new top bc I was so excited to see him....giving the dog toy to a friend's dog now and going out with a girlfriend tonight (in my new top!) 2
Author ThisisIt606 Posted August 4, 2018 Author Posted August 4, 2018 If he responds, don't reply. You should have ghosted him. I don't like to ghost bc it's childish. I've been ghosted on and it really sucks/is very hurtful and confusing. I also don't want bad karma- I'm a direct person when it comes to these things. We are both in our 30s and I don't want to keep this ghosting trend alive in these older years of age. 1
Highndry Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 I'm not sure how "I plan on dumping him" turned into "we agreed on dinner." And then he flaked again. This guy is stringing you along like nobody's business, and you're inviting it. 3
anduina Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 I don't like to ghost bc it's childish. I've been ghosted on and it really sucks/is very hurtful and confusing. I also don't want bad karma- I'm a direct person when it comes to these things. We are both in our 30s and I don't want to keep this ghosting trend alive in these older years of age.Then dump him since he's playing you like a fiddle. 1
ThreeRainbows Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 I don't like to ghost bc it's childish. I've been ghosted on and it really sucks/is very hurtful and confusing. I also don't want bad karma- I'm a direct person when it comes to these things. We are both in our 30s and I don't want to keep this ghosting trend alive in these older years of age. Normally, I'd agree. However, some guys just deserve to be reflected. Don't hesitate for a second to think that this guy wouldn't have ghosted you. In fact, his lack of response to your break-up is his way of maintaining that power edge. His way of saying "you don't matter." Ghosting him is actually beneficial for him. Some guys need a little bit of tough love to show them what it feels like to be disrespected. 2
guest569 Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 (edited) Exclusive is a binary term––you either are or you aren't, no shades of gray. Commitment is a progressive state.. So we agree. This is precisely what I said previously where exclusive means exclusive whereas boyfriend and girlfriend is not necessarily exclusive. "Met this guy on a dating app and we are both in our early 30s. After about 4 dates (drinks, dinners, movie theater, meeting some of his siblings, comedy show) he asked me to be exclusive. I agreed and said so this means we will not date other people right?" They are dating and exclusive. But he's updated his dating profile. Wonder why? The talk about dumping and ghosting was due to OP asking how to go about breaking it off. Edited August 4, 2018 by smiley1 1
JuneL Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 I'm not sure how "I plan on dumping him" turned into "we agreed on dinner." And then he flaked again. This guy is stringing you along like nobody's business, and you're inviting it. OP: Why don’t you just offer to pick him up? You can then drive him to his place for dinner as planned. You know, you can surprise him with the dog toy and your new top
guest569 Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 OP: Why don’t you just offer to pick him up? You can then drive him to his place for dinner as planned. You know, you can surprise him with the dog toy and your new top It was a really sweet thought too.. But it's a bit much having to drive an hour across town to pick him up. How he ended up there, maybe his brother drugged him. Such an odd turn of events. At best, the guy is just disorganised and can't plan things.
Author ThisisIt606 Posted August 4, 2018 Author Posted August 4, 2018 It was a really sweet thought too.. But it's a bit much having to drive an hour across town to pick him up. How he ended up there, maybe his brother drugged him. Such an odd turn of events. At best, the guy is just disorganised and can't plan things. I don’t have a car and checked the rates for a Uber/ shares right and it’s just shy of $100. Which is basically the cost of a dinner date for 2... i feel if he wanted to make it work he could. The dog is a small dog, so she could have easily sat on his lap/ small bed. I’m definitely annoyed all this happened but I feel good knowing I don’t have to deal with him and his unessicary stress anymore 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted August 5, 2018 Posted August 5, 2018 I don’t have a car and checked the rates for a Uber/ shares right and it’s just shy of $100. Which is basically the cost of a dinner date for 2... i feel if he wanted to make it work he could. The dog is a small dog, so she could have easily sat on his lap/ small bed. I’m definitely annoyed all this happened but I feel good knowing I don’t have to deal with him and his unessicary stress anymore For what it is worth, I think you did the right thing. After reading all your posts about the way he was behaving, I got a strong feeling that this guy is on dates with other women and using these excuses to cover for the time he is out with them. Regardless of what he is up to, he doesn't sound trustworthy or concerned about your feelings and making a good impression. Those reasons make it clear that isn't boyfriend material. At least you are free to meet a better quality man.
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