MaleIntuition Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 I didn't. But he is lying about being exclusive. Exclusive means exclusive. Pretending that it's confusing doesn't change the definition. Boyfriend and girlfriend is actually more of a grey area. You can call someone a girlfriend but maybe you have 10 of them. There isn’t a definition. Pretending that it’s crystal clear doesn’t change that fact. But if you want to go literal; to our knowledge, he hasn’t been on a date with anyone else. Looking for a potential date is not the same as going on a date. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 In my world, exclusive is simple. Not being open to dating others (let alone going on dates, kissing or sex). People that are genuine and on the same wavelength will automatically get this. I actually had a guy that asked me to date exclusively. After that conversation (only a day after), I found out that he slept with his ex wife. Then he argued with me that he said "date exclusively" and he is not dating his ex wife. Please
JuneL Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 It's ludicrous that he keeps saying "I'm only exclusive with you. I promise I'm not exclusive with any other women" you can't be exclusive with two unless it's a threesome. This. It’s actually quite insulting for him to assume OP is so lacking in her intelligence to accept a statement like that.
Gaeta Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 But if you want to go literal; to our knowledge, he hasn’t been on a date with anyone else. Looking for a potential date is not the same as going on a date. What is the difference? In both cases it means the man isn't satisfied with his current dating partner and he is looking for something better. Being exclusive means just that, exclusive. It doesn't mean I will be exclusive on the dating part but not on the sex part, and I won't be exclusive on the 'searching' part. That's not exclusivity. If this is YOUR definition of being exclusive I urge you to make it clear to the ladies you're dating because all of us here have the same definition of being exclusive and it means you get your arse off the dating market. This guy was free to tell OP he was not ready for exclusivity just like he told her he was not ready for sex.
MaleIntuition Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 What is the difference? In both cases it means the man isn't satisfied with his current dating partner and he is looking for something better. Being exclusive means just that, exclusive. It doesn't mean I will be exclusive on the dating part but not on the sex part, and I won't be exclusive on the 'searching' part. That's not exclusivity. If this is YOUR definition of being exclusive I urge you to make it clear to the ladies you're dating because all of us here have the same definition of being exclusive and it means you get your arse off the dating market. This guy was free to tell OP he was not ready for exclusivity just like he told her he was not ready for sex. This thread is not about me, nor is it about my definition of exclusive - my argument is simply that there isn’t one universal agreed upon definition. And the guy in question isn’t necessarily a serial liar. A double date with his brother? Sounds pretty serious to me... Being able to see things from multiple perspectives can be a valuable skill. Perhaps it’s a generation thing; but today most people distinguish between a committed relationship aka bf/gf, and exclusive dating. And the reason why we need the latter is to distinguish it from multidating aka going on dates with multiple people simultaneously. If the relationship progresses naturally the level of commitment will naturally increase. If I date someone exclusively I’ll check my vacation plans with her: If she is my girlfriend she might very well plan the vacation for me. So why don’t we jump straight from casual dating to full commitment? Because we aren’t ready yet. We don’t know them well enough. We might still have some uncertainty. We want to see how it feels. And, perhaps, because we are not ready to completely get off the market yet.
JuneL Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 (edited) If one is not off the market, in what sense is s/he exclusive with the other party at that point of time? This thread is not about me, nor is it about my definition of exclusive - my argument is simply that there isn’t one universal agreed upon definition. And the guy in question isn’t necessarily a serial liar. A double date with his brother? Sounds pretty serious to me... Being able to see things from multiple perspectives can be a valuable skill. Perhaps it’s a generation thing; but today most people distinguish between a committed relationship aka bf/gf, and exclusive dating. And the reason why we need the latter is to distinguish it from multidating aka going on dates with multiple people simultaneously. If the relationship progresses naturally the level of commitment will naturally increase. If I date someone exclusively I’ll check my vacation plans with her: If she is my girlfriend she might very well plan the vacation for me. So why don’t we jump straight from casual dating to full commitment? Because we aren’t ready yet. We don’t know them well enough. We might still have some uncertainty. We want to see how it feels. And, perhaps, because we are not ready to completely get off the market yet. Edited August 1, 2018 by JuneL
JuneL Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 "I'm only exclusive with you. I promise I'm not exclusive with any other women" Just curious: Which possible definition makes the scenario of being exclusive with multiple women logically possible? There isn’t a definition. Pretending that it’s crystal clear doesn’t change that fact. But if you want to go literal; to our knowledge, he hasn’t been on a date with anyone else. Looking for a potential date is not the same as going on a date. 1
Author ThisisIt606 Posted August 1, 2018 Author Posted August 1, 2018 hey all- I can't possibly catch up with all of these but thanks for the input. I just wanted to provide an update that I'll be dumping him via text. Wondering if it's best to keep it short and sweet OR go into some detail as to why ( finding out about dating app, acting weird, debacles with the dog and new job, changing subject -etc) He just canceled dinner tomorrow and said he's swamped with work and asked for this weekend. I left it as "i'm not sure, will let you know" he then changed the subject to on the bright side... *something impressive about his job that makes no sense to me.* and said he was sorry but swamped. I said congrats- will let you know about the weekend! and he said "thanks" I DO plan to dump. Thoughts on doing it tonight or waiting a few days? In his twisted mind I don't want him to think i'm just being a b*tch about getting canceled on for dinner, in reality it's a whole lot more than that 1
JuneL Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 Just ghosh him! hey all- I can't possibly catch up with all of these but thanks for the input. I just wanted to provide an update that I'll be dumping him via text. Wondering if it's best to keep it short and sweet OR go into some detail as to why ( finding out about dating app, acting weird, debacles with the dog and new job, changing subject -etc) He just canceled dinner tomorrow and said he's swamped with work and asked for this weekend. I left it as "i'm not sure, will let you know" he then changed the subject to on the bright side... *something impressive about his job that makes no sense to me.* and said he was sorry but swamped. I said congrats- will let you know about the weekend! and he said "thanks" I DO plan to dump. Thoughts on doing it tonight or waiting a few days? In his twisted mind I don't want him to think i'm just being a b*tch about getting canceled on for dinner, in reality it's a whole lot more than that 1
d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 You have waited whatever amount of time it took to post here & wait for us to respond so I say go ahead & dump tonight. Keep it short but pointed if you like. When you asked me about this weekend I said I'd let you know. Upon further reflection, this just isn't working for me. I prefer to cut my losses. Hope the dog is OK. Best wishes. Thisisit606 Then delete & move along to a guy you can trust. Don't ghost, if for no other reason then karma is a b1tch & you wouldn't want somebody to do it to you. Leaving somebody wondering is just mean. Don't be mean. 5
Highndry Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 It's obvious that it's already over. I would not even initiate contact with him. If he does get back to you just politely tell him your feelings have changed and you no longer wish to see him. It's that simple. 3
JuneL Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 It's obvious that it's already over. I would not even initiate contact with him. If he does get back to you just politely tell him your feelings have changed and you no longer wish to see him. It's that simple. This would have been my suggestion. But I don’t think ghosting him is mean in this context. I doubt if he would care enough to be left wondering what happens. The worst about this guy is that the BS he’s trying to feed you is assuming you have a zero IQ!! 2
Highndry Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 This would have been my suggestion. But I don’t think ghosting him is mean in this context. I doubt if he would care enough to be left wondering what happens. The worst about this guy is that the BS he’s trying to feed you is assuming you have a zero IQ!! Yep, he's a liar and a flake, obviously stringing her along.
hippychick3 Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 It's obvious that it's already over. I would not even initiate contact with him. If he does get back to you just politely tell him your feelings have changed and you no longer wish to see him. It's that simple. I agree with this. Say nothing until he contacts you again. Then tell him matter of factly that this isn’t really working for you anymore and you don’t wish to see him again. You don’t owe this liar anything more than that. 2
Gaeta Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 Ghosting is weak. Own who you are and text him you've thought about it and this isn't working for you, good luck. 3
Iris The Butterfly Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 (edited) hey all- I can't possibly catch up with all of these but thanks for the input. I just wanted to provide an update that I'll be dumping him via text. Wondering if it's best to keep it short and sweet OR go into some detail as to why ( finding out about dating app, acting weird, debacles with the dog and new job, changing subject -etc) He just canceled dinner tomorrow and said he's swamped with work and asked for this weekend. I left it as "i'm not sure, will let you know" he then changed the subject to on the bright side... *something impressive about his job that makes no sense to me.* and said he was sorry but swamped. I said congrats- will let you know about the weekend! and he said "thanks" I DO plan to dump. Thoughts on doing it tonight or waiting a few days? In his twisted mind I don't want him to think i'm just being a b*tch about getting canceled on for dinner, in reality it's a whole lot more than that Seems like you already have your answer. Why did you put the ball in your own court by saying you would let him know about the weekend... he should be the one to reschedule with a specific time and day if he cancelled. Wasn't this the dinner with the double date? Hm. And let me get this straight, you went on 4 or so dates in the course of one month and he asks to be 'exclusive'? That is strange to me. If he MEANT wanting to date only you, he wouldn't be cancelling, cutting the last date short, and he would be seeing you a lot more often. What is happening here, is that he was/is active on the dating site, knowing you deleted yours, so you have no way to see if he's really still on there. He's put you in a position where he knows he has you waiting, on the back burner, while he is still looking. His actions are not coinciding with the words. This is why I kept my profile even after dating the guy I was seeing for the first 2 months. I didn't use it, but it was him who brought it up, not me. After that I deleted it. I didn't ask him to, I just deleted mine to show I was serious about only being with him. My guy had asked me why I still had my profile, he wanted to know for sure I wasn't dating anyone else or looking, he said he wasn't either, and like you, I thought that meant we are exclusively dating only each other and not looking or interested in anyone else. Seemed normal. Within a few weeks time I found out he wasn't on the same page, and neither is your guy. Cue the backpedaling. When we started sleeping together we established that we weren't seeing anyone else. But we both were still talking to other people, not sleeping with anyone but still open in those early stages. And we were spending so much time together and nearly daily contact and he NEVER cancelled or kept me waiting, like this guy has done to you. So I didn't have to wonder if he was seeing or talking to other women, he was tied up with me all the time and his actions followed the words. I think the whole dog thing was a sham. I have no sympathy for excuses, sorry. Now it's I'm too busy with work. Doesn't fly. This is why in my opinion it is too soon in one months time, especially after so few actual face to face dates, to go all in and delete your profile. You don't know each other well enough yet. You should still be talking to other guys and you should still be using the site. As you can see after that conversation where you confronted him about being on the site, he started to backpedal. He's not putting in the effort anymore. I would say nothing. Nothing at all. Don't reach out to him. It's on him to contact you to make a set plan. He may not. I agree with what HippyChick says if he contacts you. Edited August 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 1
MaleIntuition Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 "I'm only exclusive with you. I promise I'm not exclusive with any other women" Just curious: Which possible definition makes the scenario of being exclusive with multiple women logically possible? This question makes no sense at all to me. Have I ever claimed that? No. If one is not off the market, in what sense is s/he exclusive with the other party at that point of time? He or she is not dating anyone else, as in; going on dates. Being off the market is hardly a binary event. If a girl goes out with her friends while recently declaring exclusivity with her dating partner, will she really be completely off the market? Guys might hit on her, perhaps trying to get her number. She might dance with them. Not breaking any boundaries per se, but she can’t really tell them she has a boyfriend - because she don’t. The next day, that, one of a kind, handsome fellow finds her on Instagram, and asks her out on a date... The girls night out might have changed her mind about her current guy. And also, that dude on instagram... She is no longer feeling it and breaks up with the current guy and proceeds to plan a date with the guy from instagram. To op: don’t ghost just tell him it isn’t working for you. 1
guest569 Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 Ghosting might have been appropriate had he not been waiting a response about the reschedule. I would just text now. Or just update your dating profile and he will get the message (not really!) hey, ghosting wasn't one of OPs options anyway. I would say that the sooner you tell him the better for both of you.
JuneL Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 Ghosting might have been appropriate had he not been waiting a response about the reschedule. I would just text now. Or just update your dating profile and he will get the message (not really!) hey, ghosting wasn't one of OPs options anyway. I would say that the sooner you tell him the better for both of you. Just text "Sorry I'm busy this weekend. Hope your dog is getting better." I'd just leave it at that.
soyou Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 hey all- I can't possibly catch up with all of these but thanks for the input. I just wanted to provide an update that I'll be dumping him via text. Wondering if it's best to keep it short and sweet OR go into some detail as to why ( finding out about dating app, acting weird, debacles with the dog and new job, changing subject -etc) He just canceled dinner tomorrow and said he's swamped with work and asked for this weekend. I left it as "i'm not sure, will let you know" he then changed the subject to on the bright side... *something impressive about his job that makes no sense to me.* and said he was sorry but swamped. I said congrats- will let you know about the weekend! and he said "thanks" I DO plan to dump. Thoughts on doing it tonight or waiting a few days? In his twisted mind I don't want him to think i'm just being a b*tch about getting canceled on for dinner, in reality it's a whole lot more than that I think he's not interested in anymore so whatever you do (dump him now or later), it doesnt matter much. So stop putting more thought into it. Dump him now. If I were you, I would just be very blunt "Hey [NAME], I truly had an amazing time with you and getting to know you. Unfortunately, I just dont feel the strong click as initially anymore. So it's the best that we go our own ways. I wish you all the best."
Gaeta Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 When you are online you publicly advertise yourself as single and looking. If exclusivity has been established you have no business there. Exclusive IS exclusive, there is no gray areas. My ex asked me to be exclusive on our 3rd date. We deleted our profiles on that same week. We dated 6 months with no bumps in the road. I didn't want to see who else was online and he didn't care about other women out there. We felt great chemistry and wanted to explore that with no 'game playing'. With my current BF I am the one who addressed exclusivity on our 5th date. We never looked back thinking 'we should have stayed online and play with each other's nerves for a while'. We kept on dating only a couple of times a week and our relationship escalated slowly and nicely, with no freakin game playing with being online.
ppc Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 (edited) [] I checked my dating app as I was going to delete it on Wed night, I saw his was still there but didn't think too much of it. However I had a feeling I should wait on deleting mine. I checked Thursday morning and I saw he was active on the app by changing a picture (it was a recent picture he sent me previously). I was very hurt and confused when I saw this. He asked me to be exclusive and now he's changing pictures on his app after our discussion which says to me he wants the best of both worlds and doing it in a shady manner. [] Do you think that you could trust him after this? We are working differently but for me this would poisoning the whole relationship in the beginning. I had some problems with this too. I met a guy on a dating app, we got together, I really liked him. And once he wanted to show me something on his phone and the dating app was there between the opened apps... It really hurted. We didnt stay long together. Edited August 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
JuneL Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 I see. I hope you have the decency to tell the woman that when you are dating exclusively, she’s still free to talk to men on the dating sites. This question makes no sense at all to me. Have I ever claimed that? No. He or she is not dating anyone else, as in; going on dates. Being off the market is hardly a binary event. If a girl goes out with her friends while recently declaring exclusivity with her dating partner, will she really be completely off the market? Guys might hit on her, perhaps trying to get her number. She might dance with them. Not breaking any boundaries per se, but she can’t really tell them she has a boyfriend - because she don’t. The next day, that, one of a kind, handsome fellow finds her on Instagram, and asks her out on a date... The girls night out might have changed her mind about her current guy. And also, that dude on instagram... She is no longer feeling it and breaks up with the current guy and proceeds to plan a date with the guy from instagram. To op: don’t ghost just tell him it isn’t working for you.
Kelliousme Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 hey all- I can't possibly catch up with all of these but thanks for the input. I just wanted to provide an update that I'll be dumping him via text. Wondering if it's best to keep it short and sweet OR go into some detail as to why ( finding out about dating app, acting weird, debacles with the dog and new job, changing subject -etc) He just canceled dinner tomorrow and said he's swamped with work and asked for this weekend. I left it as "i'm not sure, will let you know" he then changed the subject to on the bright side... *something impressive about his job that makes no sense to me.* and said he was sorry but swamped. I said congrats- will let you know about the weekend! and he said "thanks" I DO plan to dump. Thoughts on doing it tonight or waiting a few days? In his twisted mind I don't want him to think i'm just being a b*tch about getting canceled on for dinner, in reality it's a whole lot more than that Oh man I'm so happy to read this. Prior to this update I thought you really gave him a chance and believed his lies. Good job girl Don't ghost him. Just tell him truthfully that things aren't working out and you hope the best for him and his dog. No need for any explaining since this guy is really not worth any more of your time. 1
ThreeRainbows Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 So why don’t we jump straight from casual dating to full commitment? Because we aren’t ready yet. We don’t know them well enough. We might still have some uncertainty. We want to see how it feels. And, perhaps, because we are not ready to completely get off the market yet. Then don't declare exclusivity. You're misleading someone, and you are only lying to yourself if you think otherwise. Rationalizing to make it all right. Justifying your behavior to yourself. This is deception - and self-deception. It's subtle, but it's deception nonetheless. It seems to me that some people think with logic, and without any emotional input. That is a shame, because that kind of thinking gets so many people hurt.
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