Gaeta Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 Thank you for the explanation Gaeta but I really never thought about it so while there are some very suspicious things in here . . . nobody "accidently" changes the picture on the profile . . .since the guy has now deleted everything, maybe just maybe he's on the up & up. Only time will tell which is why ThisisIt606 has to stay vigilant & if she sees anything else fishy she needs to take that as the guy blowing the 2nd chance she is giving him. I realize most of you say don't even bother with the 2nd chance but sometimes that is tough. If he goofs again & she sticks around, as the saying goes at that point she would not longer be a victim but a volunteer. The way I see it: 1. Him being online after exclusive talk is 1 chance 2. Looking the other way when he changed his pictures 2nd chance 3. Him deleting the app thinking he'd fool her is 3rd chance No? 1
JuneL Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 The way I see it: 1. Him being online after exclusive talk is 1 chance 2. Looking the other way when he changed his pictures 2nd chance 3. Him deleting the app thinking he'd fool her is 3rd chance No? Well he could have argued that he didn’t realize the women on the dating app are going to see his updated picture, much like he didn’t know deleting the app didn’t mean his profile would disappear on the app.
Gaeta Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 Well he could have argued that he didn’t realize the women on the dating app are going to see his updated picture, much like he didn’t know deleting the app didn’t mean his profile would disappear on the app. In this era of snapchat an instagrams and FB you think a man of his generation is clueless about dating apps? What would be the use of uploading new pictures on his dating app if it weren't to show them? The man had just a conversation about being exclusive. 2
JuneL Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 In this era of snapchat an instagrams and FB you think a man of his generation is clueless about dating apps? What would be the use of uploading new pictures on his dating app if it weren't to show them? The man had just a conversation about being exclusive. Personally, I of course don’t buy his BS. But I’m sure some do. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 In this era of snapchat an instagrams and FB you think a man of his generation is clueless about dating apps? What would be the use of uploading new pictures on his dating app if it weren't to show them? The man had just a conversation about being exclusive. I agree with you. This guy isn't oblivious. He knew what he was doing, but unfortunately, he's got OP believing he didn't. 4
ThreeRainbows Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 Fact of the matter, she really did just give him a slap on the wrist. I'm willing to bet he is going to risk it again. Time will tell. 3
Ms.Jazzy Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 I've been in that situation before only to find out who I thought was my boyfriend was a player. The problem with online dating is you attract a lot of guys who play games. It's easier for guys to manipulate women on there and sweet talk them when they can tell that same game or line to about 6 other women online. The fact is he was still searching online and updating pictures which tells me he's not that into you. If he was, he wouldn't be trying to fish for other women online. He would be satisfied in interested in you only. Even though he says he deleted his accounts etc. It's easier for him to make a new one and be more discreet so I'd be cautious with him. 2
olivetree Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 This guy is shady. You shouldn't have to watch him delete his profile to trust that he did it. This is going to be a relationship where you will rely on him sending you pictures of his whereabouts to feel halfway secure. Doesn't sound too fun. Get ready for more excuses for thoughtless behaviour.
MaleIntuition Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 When people write dating apps I assume they refer to those apps that doesn’t have a normal webpage such as Tinder and Bumble. On those it’s fairly easy to assume that your profile is gone if you delete the app. I don’t know. You where also on the dating app... it’s still very early, and unless you explicitly defined what you meant by exclusivity; he didn’t technically date anyone else. He was perhaps having second thoughts about you, or he was trying to provoke a reaction because he saw that you hadn’t removed your profile. It’s still early, expecting a full commitment after less than a month isn’t realistic. To me you are comming of as somewhat needy and controlling, and at this point his intentions might not even matter because you will scare him away anyway. 1
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 When people write dating apps I assume they refer to those apps that doesn’t have a normal webpage such as Tinder and Bumble. On those it’s fairly easy to assume that your profile is gone if you delete the app. I don’t know. You where also on the dating app... it’s still very early, and unless you explicitly defined what you meant by exclusivity; he didn’t technically date anyone else. He was perhaps having second thoughts about you, or he was trying to provoke a reaction because he saw that you hadn’t removed your profile. It’s still early, expecting a full commitment after less than a month isn’t realistic. To me you are comming of as somewhat needy and controlling, and at this point his intentions might not even matter because you will scare him away anyway. They had a very clear discussion about exclusivity and it meant 'not dating others'. The man was free to refuse or delay the exclusivity instead he embraced it with 'of course'. Scare him away? Men are frighten deer we need to slowly bate? nah... I don't believe he was trying to provoke a reaction our of her with his new pictures, he would have used that as an excuse when she caught him. . 1
olivetree Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 I don’t know. You where also on the dating app... it’s still very early, and unless you explicitly defined what you meant by exclusivity; he didn’t technically date anyone else. He was perhaps having second thoughts about you, or he was trying to provoke a reaction because he saw that you hadn’t removed your profile. Let's say he was trying to provoke a reaction out of you, OP. Would you really want to date a guy that does that?
Iris The Butterfly Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 (edited) A couple things: I have to agree with another poster that at one month in it's a little too soon for a full on 100% commitment. You are still getting to know each other. Think of it this way, why would you want to cut off all of your other options in one month of dating someone if you barely know them? I think being sexually exclusive is one thing, and maybe that is what your guy was getting at by asking to be exclusive. He (and you) would rightfully want to know that if you're sleeping together that you're not sleeping with anyone else. People use dating apps for different reasons, some use them to hook up with multiple people, so I think if you meet someone online it opens up this whole slew of issues, exactly what you are describing here. What your guy is doing by asking you to be exclusive but still using the site(s) is called HAVING HIS CAKE AND EATING IT TOO. Most men don't want to share their girl with other guys if they're sleeping with her. Ironically, it doesn't mean that he isn't still searching for greener grass. I'm experienced and in my early thirties and I still don't grasp that. But it's true, and it just happened to me recently. I'll give you my story, this should hopefully make you proceed with caution. I met a guy on Bumble last October. He pursued me like no one else ever has and was investing a lot from the start. He was consistent, never broke dates, never cancelled, was doing everything right, he really liked me. We were seeing each other multiple times a week, etc etc. We slept together early on, like the 4th date, and I told him I wasn't looking for anything casual, I wanted to know where he was at, he said he wasn't seeing anyone else and this wasn't going to be a one night stand. We continued dating, and in the first month, to be honest I was still talking to other guys. I would give out my phone number, etc. I think I was still sometimes actively using the app and occasionally did chat with other guys, as I still wasn't sure yet about this guy I was dating and wasn't going all in yet. In the meantime, I told myself, if he is still talking to other women too, I'm not worried about it much because they aren't me and he seems to really like me. I felt I didn't have to worry about the competition because I was so confident that he was into me. So I deleted the app off my phone (not my profile) and just didn't log on for awhile, like during the month of December when things really started picking up with us. I had no reason to look at it, he was monopolizing all my time and we were spending significant amount of time together. After 2 months of consistently dating, when I felt we both were starting to get serious and start to fall in love, HE brought up the question, "Why are you still on Bumble?... how am I supposed to know what you're doing when you're not with me?" I was so happy that he was the one to bring it up, I hadn't even looked at the app since I deleted it, I was focusing on him. He still had his profile, and apparently was either still using it or just happened to log in and see that I was still in his matches. Maybe he was keeping tabs on me. I told him I wasn't looking, I had deleted the app on my phone but I guess the profile didn't delete (I didn't know that at the time), and that I'm not seeing anyone else or looking. He said he wasn't either, he's spending all this time with me and likes me so much, etc etc. He admitted that in the first month of meeting me he was still talking to other people, and I said the same. I believe he meant it. My point is, we both still had our profiles but we were not at that time talking to or dating anyone else. I took that conversation as the real 'exclusive' talk (apparently I was wrong because he dumped me not long after), soon after I deleted my profile completely. I figured if he was still on there he would see that I wasn't anymore. I never mentioned the online thing again since he was the one who brought it up to begin with and I had assumed we were exclusive, like not sleeping with anyone else or even talking to anyone else. Fast forward two months (long story) and I saw that he was actively using Bumble, while he was still seeing me. He ultimately dumped me and ghosted after 5 months of dating. He brought up the exclusive talk (or so I thought), he just wanted to be sure there was no other guys in the picture, and wanted to know and told me he wasn't seeing anyone else either, etc. I honestly think it's just a possessive thing, when a guy is sleeping with someone regularly he doesn't want anyone else having her either (I personally think that is reserved for boyfriend status but my guy never wanted to step up and be my BF, he just wanted me to himself). Which I think is the case for your guy too, at this point. It's normal but it's also having his cake and eating it too...he doesn't want you to be with anyone else but he can still look? No, that's not how it works. Online dating apps makes it too easy to keep looking for greener grass, which is why after years of using them with massive disappointment and this last one total heartbreak, I have finally deleted them for good. I think it promotes dishonesty and deception. The guy I was dating (I believe) dumped me because he was still looking around, or not willing to give up 'what else could be out there'. Online dating makes it just too easy. You can go anywhere and those location based apps opens up a million doors, easy. Why settle for one woman when someone better might be out there at your fingertips?! Proceed with caution. I think one month is too soon, reevaluate at 2 months. In the meantime, keep your eyes wide open. I don't think that you should take yourself off the market yet. Edited July 31, 2018 by littlebridge 1
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Proceed with caution. I think one month is too soon, reevaluate at 2 months. In the meantime, keep your eyes wide open. I don't think that you should take yourself off the market yet. There is no 'too soon' to date exclusively. Exclusivity isn't a marriage, it's not even gf/bf, it's just an agreement to concentrate on each other to explore if we have anything that could develop further. Most people address exclusivity after 4-5 dates or 1/1.5 month. Taking yourself off the market to concentrate on 1 person is a good thing. Online is a big catalogue and if you don't get yourself off the market you will miss to get to know one-on-one great prospects. As long as you're online there will always be someone better. OP isn't new to dating, she's been around the bloc and she knows when she likes a guy. She doesn't need to sample 100s of them....which she probably done already. The market will always be there for you. If in 2 weeks time she discovers he's a fraud then she goes back on the market and life goes on. . 1
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 There is no 'too soon' to date exclusively. Exclusivity isn't a marriage, it's not even gf/bf, it's just an agreement to concentrate on each other to explore if we have anything that could develop further. Most people address exclusivity after 4-5 dates or 1/1.5 month. For me, exclusivity is also an agreement not to have sex with other people... If he wants to have sex, then we need to be exclusive because I have no interest in sleeping with a man who is putting my health and wellbeing at risk by sleeping with other women. Assuming that he is interested in sex, there is no "too soon" to have the discussion and date exclusively. If you are just hanging out, having fun together... you could give it a little more time.
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 For me, exclusivity is also an agreement not to have sex with other people... If he wants to have sex, then we need to be exclusive because I have no interest in sleeping with a man who is putting my health and wellbeing at risk by sleeping with other women. Assuming that he is interested in sex, there is no "too soon" to have the discussion and date exclusively. If you are just hanging out, having fun together... you could give it a little more time. Oh yes I agree! When you decide to concentrate on 1 person you do it on every level, emotionally and physically.
JuneL Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 (edited) But we also don’t want to conflate these two scenarios: -initiating being exclusive with you but is still active on dating app; -initiating being exclusive with you but end up dumbing you. The first scenario is not okay even if you’re not the party who initiated the exclusive talk. But there’s nothing wrong with the second scenario: the person may just lose his/her feelings, or may learn that you’re not a compatible partner. A couple things: I have to agree with another poster that at one month in it's a little too soon for a full on 100% commitment. You are still getting to know each other. Think of it this way, why would you want to cut off all of your other options in one month of dating someone if you barely know them? I think being sexually exclusive is one thing, and maybe that is what your guy was getting at by asking to be exclusive. He (and you) would rightfully want to know that if you're sleeping together that you're not sleeping with anyone else. People use dating apps for different reasons, some use them to hook up with multiple people, so I think if you meet someone online it opens up this whole slew of issues, exactly what you are describing here. What your guy is doing by asking you to be exclusive but still using the site(s) is called HAVING HIS CAKE AND EATING IT TOO. Most men don't want to share their girl with other guys if they're sleeping with her. Ironically, it doesn't mean that he isn't still searching for greener grass. I'm experienced and in my early thirties and I still don't grasp that. But it's true, and it just happened to me recently. {snip} Edited August 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Iris The Butterfly Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 (edited) There is no 'too soon' to date exclusively. Exclusivity isn't a marriage, it's not even gf/bf, it's just an agreement to concentrate on each other to explore if we have anything that could develop further. Most people address exclusivity after 4-5 dates or 1/1.5 month. Taking yourself off the market to concentrate on 1 person is a good thing. I agree with you but as far as the timeframe I think it depends on the person. Some people think that exclusive doesn't mean gf/bf, some people do. If I'm dating one person regularly and neither one of us are seeing anyone else, and we both really like each other and want to let things develop, that to me is "exclusive" and "boyfriend/girlfriend". Those words mean different things to different people, which is why the OP asked the guy for clarification, rightfully so. In my recent experience we had the sexually exclusive talk after 4 dates, and the 'not dating, talking to, or looking for anyone else' after 2 months, which I felt was normal and to be expected. I agree that taking yourself off the market to concentrate on one person is a good thing, but not too soon, I really do feel it is subjective. I had a previous relationship where a guy asked me to be his "girlfriend" after less than 48 hours of knowing me. We were together for over a year and we have a true bond. My regret with getting involved with him initially is that I took myself off the market before getting to know him well enough. We were exclusive and headed towards serious within the first month and I wish that I would have still been open to or dating other guys so early on... because committing 100% before getting to know him kind of swept me up into a relationship with someone that ultimately wasn't compatible. However, we weren't having sex until it was for sure that we were both all in. On the flip side, I just dated someone for 5 months who even though we were sexually exclusive and at least at some stretch of time were only talking to/seeing/interested in each other.... he refused to call me his girlfriend because ultimately he said he wasn't looking for one. People's view of exclusive/official/couple/boyfriend/girlfriend means many different things, as we find out in time. My point is, asking someone, in this case OP to be "exclusive" meant that he wanted to be sure she wasn't or isn't going to be sleeping with anyone else. Note that he said he wanted to 'wait' to have sex because that was more 'committed'. What that says to me is that he is establishing sexual exclusivity, not necessarily in all the other ways, committing fully and taking himself off the market, seeing that he is still online and updated his pictures. But we also don’t want to conflate these two scenarios: -initiating being exclusive with you but is still active on dating app; -initiating being exclusive with you but end up dumbing you. The first scenario is not okay even if you’re not the party who initiated the exclusive talk. But there’s nothing wrong with the second scenario: the person may just lose his/her feelings, or may learn that you’re not a compatible partner. How about if BOTH situations happen? In OP case, he initiated the exclusive talk and yet was still on the site. Same thing happened to me! This to me means he wants to be sexually exclusive but he isn't sure that he wants to commit 100%.. yet. Because he is still actively looking online. In the meantime he wants to have sex with her and doesn't want her to be with anyone else. Like I said it's called having his cake and eating it too. I think in either case, if anyone initiates the exclusive talk, naturally it would be an indication that they want to devote their time to concentrate on each other to explore if they have anything that could develop further. After that conversation was brought up to me, I deleted my app because I wanted to devote my time and commit and I thought that he wanted to as well, based on the 'exclusive' conversation. That seems like common sense to me. But I was wrong. In OP's scenario, the guy brought it up which would also indicate that HE wanted to fully concentrate on her, etc. Sadly, some people just want to see what else is out there, just in case. In the meantime they are biding their time asking the girl they're sleeping with to be sure he doesn't have competition or that she isn't going to sleep with anyone else. It's a territorial thing, a basic instinct. A guy can want you all to himself sexually but not want to be with you as a boyfriend, all in, 100% and can still be shopping for other women online. I just lived through that. OP, I suggest that you continue to keep your options open. You don't have to date other guys, but talk to them if you are approached, be open to other opportunities. If he doesn't like that, then he will make it clear, and you won't even have to wonder if he is still online. His actions will reveal that in due time. Edited July 31, 2018 by littlebridge
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 . because committing 100% before getting to know him kind of swept me up into a relationship with someone that ultimately wasn't compatible. But being exclusive doesn't force you to date someone you are not compatible with. Being exclusive doesn't mean you need to rush the relationship. At 1,5 month bf and I were exclusive but it took another 4 months for him to meet my family and we said our ILY around 6 months. We've been dating 2,5 years and we still don't live together. 1
anduina Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Total sketch. Don't trust this guy. You might want to read up on a few tricks of the trade. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2016/01/11/did-you-really-delete-tinder-how-to-deactivate-your-dating-profiles-once-youve-found-love/?utm_term=.8404293b8d38
Iris The Butterfly Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 But being exclusive doesn't force you to date someone you are not compatible with. Being exclusive doesn't mean you need to rush the relationship. At 1,5 month bf and I were exclusive but it took another 4 months for him to meet my family and we said our ILY around 6 months. We've been dating 2,5 years and we still don't live together. Ok, no of course it doesn't force you to date someone you're not compatible with. Some people don't like to commit fully until they are sure that they are compatible which is probably a smart idea. The same timeframes you have described happened for me in all my long term relationships. Usually once someone brings up the 'exclusive' talk a month or so in, typically it means they are no longer interested in looking for or dating anyone else and want to be sure that you are not either, and by that time you know enough that you can see potential in compatibility. Being exclusive does not lock anyone in by any means. It takes time (a couple months) to determine if you are compatible with someone, so even if you are exclusive (sexually or otherwise) you can still find out that you aren't compatible long term. I've been hurt badly in my life by dating so if i meet someone new I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket a month in. No way! I still maintain that one month in is too soon to fully invest in one person that you barely know. They are basically a stranger. Yes, you can be sexually exclusive and focusing on only each other, but it's like saying, "I'm not ready to go in 100% yet but I'd like to give this a fair shot." The OP's guy wants to know that she's not sleeping with anyone else while he (and she) is determining whether they are compatible. The online dating angle just adds another layer of potential deception and grass is greener syndrome, in my opinion. If they had met in real life this wouldn't even be an issue. 2
MaleIntuition Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 They had a very clear discussion about exclusivity and it meant 'not dating others'. The man was free to refuse or delay the exclusivity instead he embraced it with 'of course'. Scare him away? Men are frighten deer we need to slowly bate? nah... I don't believe he was trying to provoke a reaction our of her with his new pictures, he would have used that as an excuse when she caught him. . Neither you nor I was present during the exclusivity discussion, we don’t know how “clear” it was. Littlebirdge explained it better than I did. Dating exclusively doesn’t technically mean that you can’t look for other dating prospects. Yes, we scare easily when faced with neediness and possessiveness.
guest569 Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 People who go to great lengths to bend the term "exclusive" are probably not exclusive material. "ahh.. I am not seeing any of them, just talking and sexting. But we are exclusive" or "See when I said we were exclusive I just meant dating. I'm having sex with other people but not dating them" or "I just dated but didn't kiss them" If you're exclusive with someone, you're off the market. It's ludicrous that he keeps saying "I'm only exclusive with you. I promise I'm not exclusive with any other women" you can't be exclusive with two unless it's a threesome. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 People who go to great lengths to bend the term "exclusive" are probably not exclusive material. "ahh.. I am not seeing any of them, just talking and sexting. But we are exclusive" or "See when I said we were exclusive I just meant dating. I'm having sex with other people but not dating them" or "I just dated but didn't kiss them" If you're exclusive with someone, you're off the market. It's ludicrous that he keeps saying "I'm only exclusive with you. I promise I'm not exclusive with any other women" you can't be exclusive with two unless it's a threesome. This. It's not that complicated.
MaleIntuition Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 People who go to great lengths to bend the term "exclusive" are probably not exclusive material. "ahh.. I am not seeing any of them, just talking and sexting. But we are exclusive" or "See when I said we were exclusive I just meant dating. I'm having sex with other people but not dating them" or "I just dated but didn't kiss them" If you're exclusive with someone, you're off the market. It's ludicrous that he keeps saying "I'm only exclusive with you. I promise I'm not exclusive with any other women" you can't be exclusive with two unless it's a threesome. Everybody knows what it means to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Or wife/husband. The same is simply not true for the term exclusive. If you don’t trust me; google it and you will find plenty of articles trying to define the term which is a good indicator that it, infact, isn’t clear. And no, those definitions where not the same. You all assumed he was lying about the puppy; sometimes assuming the worst can be contraproductive.
guest569 Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 Everybody knows what it means to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Or wife/husband. The same is simply not true for the term exclusive. If you don’t trust me; google it and you will find plenty of articles trying to define the term which is a good indicator that it, infact, isn’t clear. And no, those definitions where not the same. You all assumed he was lying about the puppy; sometimes assuming the worst can be contraproductive. I didn't. But he is lying about being exclusive. Exclusive means exclusive. Pretending that it's confusing doesn't change the definition. Boyfriend and girlfriend is actually more of a grey area. You can call someone a girlfriend but maybe you have 10 of them.
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