ThisisIt606 Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 (edited) I met this guy on a dating app and we are both in our early 30s. After about 4 dates (drinks, dinners, movie theater, meeting some of his siblings, comedy show) he asked me to be exclusive. I agreed and said so this means we will not date other people right? I told him I wasn't dating anyone else then. We agreed to what exclusive meant (although we didn't talk about our dating app in the moment/it didn't occur to me). He also wanted to hold off on having sex for a bit longer as he said it was more "committed". So we waited a bit more an then did have sex. I last saw him Tuesday when he came over we went swimming, cooked together and watched a movie. On wednesday texting was normal from him and he asked when he would see me again, we agreed Saturday and have 2 activities planned. I checked my dating app as I was going to delete it on Wed night, I saw his was still there but didn't think too much of it. However I had a feeling I should wait on deleting mine. I checked Thursday morning and I saw he was active on the app by changing a picture (it was a recent picture he sent me previously). I was very hurt and confused when I saw this. He asked me to be exclusive and now he's changing pictures on his app after our discussion which says to me he wants the best of both worlds and doing it in a shady manner. I was going to bring this up Saturday/today when I saw him, but I found out about the pictures Thursday AM and it has been too hard for me too keep it in. His texting has also changed... he used to be VERY eager and excited over text with frequent check-ins. Now the texts are fewer and mostly about his work/changes happening at work. I sent him a text last night before bed just stating what I saw and asking if he's still using the app to date after our discussion about being exclusive? I told him to please be honest and I just want to make sure we are on the same page. I haven't heard from him yet.... I'm wondering if he will even reply and or if he will even show up to our date today (he volunteered to pick me up). I just feel so hurt and duped right now. This was a guy who's actions and words matched... he brought up being exclusive, introduced me to important people in his life, texted good morning/good night, frequent texts and pics throughout the day, planned dates, generous paying for dates, and bought me flowers, etc. Then I find he's still doing shady things behind my back on the app. I didn't text in an accusatory manner at all, I read it back it seems very factual and "sane" if you will. Will I hear from him you think? I do like him so it's hard...I'm not sure what to do now. Edited July 28, 2018 by ThisisIt606
ExpatInItaly Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 How long have you two been dating, OP? Unfortunately, it sounds like you caught him with his hands in the cookie jar, and he knows it. And he doesn't know how to reply to you right now, because really, there's not much he can say that will make this look better. I would hope he at least responds to you, but only time will tell that. I'm sorry you're going through this. What a disappointment. 2
Author ThisisIt606 Posted July 28, 2018 Author Posted July 28, 2018 We’ve been dating a month. Should I call him? We are supposed to hang out this afternoon and I’d like to know if we are still on. It would be really ****ty to find out what I did and then he just can’t hink of a response to me and vanishes without a trace...
d0nnivain Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 You might here from him but he might know he's busted. If you can see him, he probably knows you have been on there too. Even though you were looking for / at him he may think you were looking around. Either way, you now know he is not a man of his word. Even if you break up, what have you lost? 3
salparadise Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 I think you should not jump to conclusions yet. You don't know enough. Granted it wasn't a good idea to upload a pic, but you were still on the app too and he knew that, so it wasn't like he was being secretive. Someone has to go first, so I'd suggest you assume all is well and turn your profile off. Wait for him to explain, which hopefully will include informing you that he has now turned his off too. Just be cool about it. If it turns out that he's playing games you can always dump him... but if you make drama over this it could go south before you even get started. I hope it all works out for you. From what you said he's done (flowers, etc.) he sounds plenty invested. I look forward to hearing how it went today. 2
coolheadal Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 We’ve been dating a month. Should I call him? We are supposed to hang out this afternoon and I’d like to know if we are still on. It would be really ****ty to find out what I did and then he just can’t hink of a response to me and vanishes without a trace... No you do not contact him at all. He's still active on the dating app because he hasn't found what he wants yet or he just wants to have more fun dating. He can do whatever he wants too do and say whatever he wants too you. I would say to him listen I see your still active on your dating app, I am still dating as well I too busy today to hangout with you. Bye.. 2
salparadise Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 We’ve been dating a month. Should I call him? We are supposed to hang out this afternoon and I’d like to know if we are still on. It would be really ****ty to find out what I did and then he just can’t hink of a response to me and vanishes without a trace... No, no, no. Don't call. Assume that he will pick you up as planned. I wish you hadn't sent the text. This could be as simple as who goes first on deleting the profiles. 1
coolheadal Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 We’ve been dating a month. Should I call him? We are supposed to hang out this afternoon and I’d like to know if we are still on. It would be really ****ty to find out what I did and then he just can’t hink of a response to me and vanishes without a trace... No you do not contact him at all. He's still active on the dating app because he hasn't found what he wants yet or he just wants to have more fun dating. He can do whatever he wants too do and say whatever he wants too you. I would say to him listen I see your still active on your dating app, I am still dating as well and I am too busy today to hangout with you. Bye..
Author ThisisIt606 Posted July 28, 2018 Author Posted July 28, 2018 update: He did respond. He told me he had to take his dog to the vet at 2am last night and got into a lot of detail. He also admitted to uploading a new pic and said he is only exclusive with me and not to worry. As there seemed to be a lot going on with his texts, I decided to call (rather than text) to talk to him. I first expressed concern about the dog and then brought up the dating app. He told me he just "did it" no real thought behind it and he didn't want to be on the app because it's so time consuming and assured me he is only exclusive with me. I asked him if he felt comfortable if we both deleted the app, but I also told him I didn't want to tell him what to do. He jumped on that and said yes definitely, that's a good idea lets both delete! He then brought up he still wants to get together today and will still pick me up, but has to keep a close eye on the dog/not leave her home along for too long. I agreed to this plan. Still seems a little sketch, so I will procede with caution. However this is his first "blunder" and all of his words and actions in person are fine.. it's just the complications of technology and apps. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 I hope the dog is OK. I think you are right to give him a 2nd chance but to maintain your skepticism. If he does it again, well, then you have to rethink things. 1
stillafool Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 I would have offered to get take out and stay home with his dog and watch a movie. Poor puppy.
Gaeta Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 update: He did respond. He told me he had to take his dog to the vet at 2am last night and got into a lot of detail. He also admitted to uploading a new pic and said he is only exclusive with me and not to worry. People that gives a lot of details in these situations are guilty of something and are trying to detour the attention toward something else than the big issue at hand. I don't beleive his story he did this out of boredom. He knows too much new pictures will attract a new set of women. I think he got caught, he decided to go along with you but I wouldn't be surprised you catch him on there again. Keep your eyes open. . 5
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 He could delete this app but still be active on other dating sites and apps. I just don't see how a man that is excited about a new, exclusive gf goes on the app and uploads fresh pics. Proceed with caution. 3
OatsAndHall Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 I'd go out with him today but I'd certainly keep my eyes open for any odd behavior. Still having an OLD account open is one thing but changing the profile picture to one he has sent you is certainly a red flag. 1
tlc764 Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 (edited) I would not continue to date this guy, he seems sketch. I dated a guy like this once, and his reasoning was that he wanted to make friends. BS. Total BS. i believed him. But follow your gut and see where it guides you. Good luck! Edited July 28, 2018 by tlc764 Did not read update
FMW Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 My thoughts, for what they are worth - Just keep your eyes open going forward. Any further missteps or red flags I would end it. 1
Kelliousme Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 OP, word of advice.. stay away from this guy. NO ONE and I seriously mean NO ONE will upload a "new and recent" picture of themselves on a dating app "without thinking". By giving you such a long explanation and saying he did it without thinking already tells you what kind of person he is. He's obviously lying and he is NOT being honest with you. Come on.. think about the whole situation. One side he's telling you he wants to be exclusive with you but on the other hand he uploads a new picture (a picture that he SENT YOU) on the dating app. Even if he pretends to be exclusive with you and deletes the app.. he can always find other ways to go on other sites etc. You never know. I would stay away. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 People that gives a lot of details in these situations are guilty of something and are trying to detour the attention toward something else than the big issue at hand. I don't beleive his story he did this out of boredom. He knows too much new pictures will attract a new set of women. I think he got caught, he decided to go along with you but I wouldn't be surprised you catch him on there again. Keep your eyes open. . Likewise. I don't buy that excuse at all. 1
TheFinalWord Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 It seems silly, but these days you do have to mention dating apps when talking exclusivity. On the other hand, I don't worry about it because if someone is going to cheat you can't stop them. If they think they can find someone better, go for it. See ya later. I don't really try to tell other people anymore because I think it's just common sense. If you have to explain to someone you're seeing why that's wrong then they're not relationship material anyway IMHO. I no longer try to "talk it out." I just dump. Do you want to be with someone where you can't trust them and always have to play this game? I know it hurts when someone lies straight to your face, especially if you liked them. But at least you only wasted one month instead of one year or one decade... 3
Highndry Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 No sincere person who wants to be exclusive is going to upload new pics of themselves on a dating app AFTER talking about exclusivity. This guy's a liar. And the dog thing - I'm skeptical. 4
hippychick3 Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 No sincere person who wants to be exclusive is going to upload new pics of themselves on a dating app AFTER talking about exclusivity. This guy's a liar. And the dog thing - I'm skeptical. ^^^This. It's one thing to not delete the app (which he should have done on his own after the exclusivity chat). But to then UPLOAD new pictures of himself? Really? He obviously was trying to attract the attention of other women by doing that. I would not trust him at all after that no matter what he says. 1
smackie9 Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 There's a reason why he doesn't want to have sex yet....and it has nothing to being more committed. Wow I have never in my life have heard a guy say that to me. 2
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