Lotsgoingon Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 First sign of being into someone: you don't walk around feeling like this touch feels weird. If you are in sync, his touching will be just right. 2
coolheadal Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 One of my OLD guys seemed nice and we had stuff in common. We met once and it was fun, but sometimes he touched my back while walking through the crowded streets. I felt like he did that to kind of direct us between the crowd, but also, he's from a latin background, so I figured he may be more touchy feely than me. Also, even if it was humid that day, he sat legs up against mine in the subway... :/ Not because of a lack of space either. He then went on a trip and we kept in touch during his time away. I only had maybe 2 winks in the whole chat and definitely wasn't flirting like I have done with some other guys on that site. We meet again and he's flirty, sits close and touches me during the convo. I don't go out of the way to do any of that back, hoping he calms a bit down. On the way to the subway, he kept a hand on my upper back, but not tightly first, so it was like a non-stop back rub. I felt so grossed out but didn't know how to address it directly... Is this normal? I know I probably should have told him after the first date to nip it in the bud and not to expect that he gets my glaring non-reciprocating cues... I guess I'm used to flirting building from the two sides rather than one party taking over and imposing their touch on me..? If he reaches out again, I'll have to tell him that I'm not feeling more than friendship at this point. Any attraction that may have been there or grown has completely vanished because of the one-sided touching. Dating is hard! Has this happened to you and how did you address it? Sounds to me you don't like to be touched. How is he touching you? Misbehaving touching like in a rude way. Gentle touches of a sign of affection Touches of your upper back Touching your hands or fingers Touching your cheek or chin Touching your lips Touching your nose Touching your ears Touching or playing with your hair. Touching your hair on your forearms if you have such (I knew a woman I dated had hair like a cat on her forearms) You see all this is okay today, but grabbing or squeezing your derriere in public might not be so inappropriate or you just don't like it. Latin if he that's normal for him to show how he feels about you, but you might not be use to that sort of behavior. As I read everything you have posted doesn't sound like you really enjoy your old OLD guy friend at all even though you had things in common exiting the touching I bet!
preraph Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 If you were attracted to him, you wouldn't mind those things. He doesn't want you to get the idea he just wants to be friends and it's true there's a possibility he might be "too much" for you, but putting hand on your back is an old-school gentlemanly gesture. Rubbing knees is a red-blooded male gesture. But it's not over the top. I mean, I don't like a clinger at all, but this doesn't mean he is one. I do like an assertive confident guy sexually because it translates well in bed usually. But if he's too much for you, then maybe just not your style.
Author ElKay Posted July 28, 2018 Author Posted July 28, 2018 The difference is, in a relationship, or when I started dating my ex, I loooooved every touch. Heck, making out in public even (I used to be shy about it first). These types of touches would definitely not have bothered me with someone I'm falling for, so I assume he's just not the one. 2
act00 Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 I thought I was into him, but I guess I was deluding myself... You're not deluding yourself...you're giving it a try and realizing it's not a match. No one knows how a relationship is going to work, whether meeting someone randomly at a bar or at the grocery store, or meeting online, you don't know...until you know...and you go on a couple dates first before you know or maybe date for a few months...there is no guarantee here or a crystal ball, you have no choice but to try. This isn't delusional, this is hopeful...normal. We're not talking about glaring red flags of questionable behavior, but rather a difference in personality and lack of chemistry. Don't beat yourself up because you you didn't catch the love-bug or it took awhile to accept the fact this paper-perfect guy isn't working out in real life.
Gaeta Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 (edited) Then it's definitely a huge discrepancy in our cultures. I wouldn't feel comfortable dating a guy that touched girls backs and butts this way Nowhere in your story you mentionned he touched your butt!! Important details should be put in the opening story. I would never defend a man that touches a woman's butt on a first date. Edited July 29, 2018 by Gaeta
Author ElKay Posted July 29, 2018 Author Posted July 29, 2018 You're not deluding yourself...you're giving it a try and realizing it's not a match. [snip] Thank you... <3 I am too hard on myself more often than I'm not. Nowhere in your story you mentioned he touched your butt!! Important details should be put in the opening story. I would never defend a man that touches a woman's butt on a first date. I didn't mention since it wasn't an outright grabbing or anything. With the back rubs and touching me during talks, I was sitting facing forward (so sideways to him) while he was sitting facing towards me (already should be very obvious I was leaning away from him). He was, as usual sitting very much against me and when he'd touch me, sometimes his hand kind of went to rest at the bottom of my back just on top of my butt... My butt sticks out a lot since it's pretty muscle-y so it is a good place to rest for a boyfriend's hand, but definitely not a date where there's no contact yet... So it wasn't an actual butt-directed touch but his hand was still on it... :/
Highndry Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 You don't like this guy, why are you wasting his time? 1
Doost Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 You don’t like him so I wonder why you went on one date and then another. 1
Author ElKay Posted July 29, 2018 Author Posted July 29, 2018 You don't like this guy, why are you wasting his time? You don’t like him so I wonder why you went on one date and then another. Because I had some fun times with him the first time and met a second time just to see if any feelings would develop? I don't see how it was a waste of his time when I truly did my best to get to know him and see if liking his personality would help the chemistry. It's only on the second dates when I start feeling chemistry (or lack of), so this wasn't something I just did out of boredom or bad intentions... Anyway, I've messaged him to let him know I'm not feeling it so I won't be "wasting" either of our times.
Gaeta Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 I didn't mention since it wasn't an outright grabbing or anything. With the back rubs and touching me during talks, I was sitting facing forward (so sideways to him) while he was sitting facing towards me (already should be very obvious I was leaning away from him). He was, as usual sitting very much against me and when he'd touch me, sometimes his hand kind of went to rest at the bottom of my back just on top of my butt... My butt sticks out a lot since it's pretty muscle-y so it is a good place to rest for a boyfriend's hand, but definitely not a date where there's no contact yet... So it wasn't an actual butt-directed touch but his hand was still on it... :/ *shaking head* Original story he didn't grab your butt Then you tell people he grabbed your butt Now your story change back to he didn't grab your butt but his hand was on your lower back...which still lisn't your butt by the way. When you realized people were not as offended as you concerning the back touching you added *he grabbed my butt* so we would be outraged along with you. Not fair for the guy, not fair for us. 1
coolheadal Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 *shaking head* Original story he didn't grab your butt Then you tell people he grabbed your butt Now your story change back to he didn't grab your butt but his hand was on your lower back...which still lisn't your butt by the way. When you realized people were not as offended as you concerning the back touching you added *he grabbed my butt* so we would be outraged along with you. Not fair for the guy, not fair for us. She should have ended the date right there if that rude jester on his part was going on. 1
Author ElKay Posted July 29, 2018 Author Posted July 29, 2018 *shaking head* Original story he didn't grab your butt Then you tell people he grabbed your butt Now your story change back to he didn't grab your butt but his hand was on your lower back...which still lisn't your butt by the way. When you realized people were not as offended as you concerning the back touching you added *he grabbed my butt* so we would be outraged along with you. Not fair for the guy, not fair for us. Yeah, it is. If a stranger touches the top of my butt, I will be offended. I mentioned lower back but his hand was physically on my butt at that point. :/ I just had to specify to be fair to him. -> That was the point. I wanted to explain that technically he might not have realized, but this was super awkward for me because the hand was on the butt, just from the top. When you sit on a stool at a high table, the butt sticks out. To be clear- If a boyfriend of mine would "Rest his hand" on top of someone's butt like that with girls, yeah, I'm not dating him. I don't care if people think I'm being picky and I don't care if people agree with me or not. Regardless, I messaged him so it's finally over.
Author ElKay Posted July 29, 2018 Author Posted July 29, 2018 She should have ended the date right there if that rude jester on his part was going on. I told him I was tired and should head home. Definitely not the best idea long-term to run instead of just telling a guy to stop, but heck, I'm a total beginner to dating so I'm still learning.
smackie9 Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 Ya but how would you like it if you leaned on a guy and put your head on his shoulder and he told you to stop it. Just better to call it quits.
Author ElKay Posted July 29, 2018 Author Posted July 29, 2018 Ya but how would you like it if you leaned on a guy and put your head on his shoulder and he told you to stop it. Just better to call it quits. That's why I've never been one to initiate first moves physically. I'm super afraid of rejection, so if a guy didn't initiate but we were both super flirty and feeling the chemistry, then I'll mention it verbally and then it's a free for all. (I admit, it's definitely not a good strategy long term. This is a work in progress!) I've messaged the guy and he appreciated the honesty! So we're all good now. Now I can concentrate on the dates where I can't wait for the touching to begin. xD
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