How do I fall in love with my girlfriend?

[Lenny92]

Don't waste her time. Break up with her as a favor to her.

[vickyp]

if you do break up with her, please don't tell her its because of her breasts.

[kendahke]

2nd attempt OP:

 

Does she like her body? Does she complain about it? Does she want larger breasts? Does she lament the size of her chest or is she OK with it?

 

Seriously, you both can solve this, if you're both seeing the lack of large breasts to be that impactful on a) your ability to love her and b) her feelings of wanting a change, by looking up board certified plastic surgeons and paying for her to get implants/augmentation.

 

But the more important question to answer is: does she know that you've hit the wall with your feelings for her due to her chest size? You basically pretending to be into her when you know you're not is far more destructive than if you'd just stand in your truth, break up with her and find a bustier girlfriend. Doesn't matter how good of a person you think she is, at the end of the day, who/what she is isn't enough for you because you require large breasts to be sexually aroused and attracted to her, which to you equates to love. If it wasn't the case, who/what she is would be sufficient and this post wouldn't be here.

 

The "why's?" of this needs to be handled with your therapist, since you say you're seeing one, because this is above paygrade.

[ExpatInItaly]

if you do break up with her, please don't tell her its because of her breasts.

 

This. That would humiliate her and shatter her confidence.

[BaileyB]

if you do break up with her, please don't tell her its because of her breasts.

 

Oh goodness, no. Be kind and tell her that you just don’t feel that you are compatible enough for this to work long term. This is nothing that she can change, she shouldn’t be made to feel “less than” when the problem is not with her, but with your thinking/lack of attraction.

 

She may not be for you, but it doesn’t mean that the next man she meets won’t think that she is the single best thing to come into his life.

[No_Go]

Yeah, hard to say what it is that makes the 'whole package' but I learned from (unfortunate) experience it cannot be forced.

 

Nothing wrong with men being visual, but that's something you discover on the first meet not after a full year. That's why I think it's more.

 

My interpretation is he

1) met this woman that was good to him on paper but he wasn't really into her

2) convinced himself his 'picker' is wrong and gave her a chance

3) developed attachment due to her good qualities but ultimately knows he wants something else

 

These relationships are the hardest to break because there is nothing ultimately wrong with the person, besides they are not really a 'match' (i.e. exciting enough to keep it sustainable). I spent 2+ (miserable!!!) years with a guy like this, and blamed myself for even longer why I couldn't be at my best with him.... Truth was: i didn't really like him but this was too hard for me to admit... It lead to all the problems and nit-picky arguments.

 

With my BF now I'm waaaaaay more lax with my expectations, we never even argue, and since I'm the same person (LOL I haven't tried to alter my mind with therapy etc), I think it is just the fact that we are into each other which makes everything go smoothly. With the ex, I think we were both trying to 'improve' the other (fit in our mold) to 'justify' the relationship. Futile efforts.

 

I agree it might be likely more than just a physical preference going on. Perhaps if a woman is alluring and/or irresistable to a man it's a whole package kind of thing...and certainly it is a whole package thing that will make a relationship happily sustainable. No doubt many relationships are "sustainable", but not all are happily so. I think I would have a hard time being with someone who I knew had such a strong preference for a body likeness I couldn't possibly attain to....realistically, that is. I know many men prefer thin women; whether they are curvy or not. But many men prefer curvy women too. Some are hung up on legs and some small waists. Overall, men are visual....but there is something about a woman's personality and self confidence that makes a woman more attractive. I find med who are confident, but nice attractive.

[MountainGirl111]

Yeah, hard to say what it is that makes the 'whole package' but I learned from (unfortunate) experience it cannot be forced.

 

Nothing wrong with men being visual, but that's something you discover on the first meet not after a full year. That's why I think it's more.

 

My interpretation is he

1) met this woman that was good to him on paper but he wasn't really into her

2) convinced himself his 'picker' is wrong and gave her a chance

3) developed attachment due to her good qualities but ultimately knows he wants something else

 

These relationships are the hardest to break because there is nothing ultimately wrong with the person, besides they are not really a 'match' (i.e. exciting enough to keep it sustainable). I spent 2+ (miserable!!!) years with a guy like this, and blamed myself for even longer why I couldn't be at my best with him.... Truth was: i didn't really like him but this was too hard for me to admit... It lead to all the problems and nit-picky arguments.

 

With my BF now I'm waaaaaay more lax with my expectations, we never even argue, and since I'm the same person (LOL I haven't tried to alter my mind with therapy etc), I think it is just the fact that we are into each other which makes everything go smoothly. With the ex, I think we were both trying to 'improve' the other (fit in our mold) to 'justify' the relationship. Futile efforts.

 

Excellent points, No Go. I agree.

 

I just recently broke things off with my latest boyfriend. For different reasons, but it just didn't feel "right" and I couldn't pretend anymore. He made it clear I have all the right body parts and in the right proportions, but it felt like there was too much emphasis on the physical act of sex and I realized I wanted more than just that. I wanted more of an inner connection.

Edited August 3, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[MountainGirl111]

But WHY don't I love my girlfriend? WHY? I WANT to love her so much! I can't think of ANY flaws in her personality. She's the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful, beautiful person! WHY have I not fallen for her?!?

 

I can't tell you WHY....if I could I wound. I don't know her or you. Maybe she's "too perfect", ever thought of that? She's so perfect she's boring? I don't say that to knock her cuz I'm not knocking her. She has the perfect natural tan and nice skin. She's slender. She's a wonderful mother. Heck, maybe she makes six figures to boot. But if it ain't there it ain't there. You know how some people just have this appeal and/or sex appeal and it's not necessarily because they look "perfect". In fact, maybe they're a titch overweight and have a crooked smile and a gap in their front teeth. Yet, they have sex appeal and naturally so; not contrived. Anyone can lose weight, fix the teeth, dye their hair, get the mani's and pedi's, get a tan, and shave their legs and armpits....but if they don't have that "inner fire" that lights the match, they just don't. I can't totally explain why certain things turn certain people on and other things don't. I think a lot of it is personality and a "mind connection". My first husband always told me it was my personality and brains that attracted him to me as much as my looks.

[MountainGirl111]

Okay, so: Let's say you stay with her but she becomes aware you wish she had big breasts. Then, she goes and gets a boob job. Would you fall in love with then? I know many men are just as turned off by artificial boobs as they are by no boobs.

[Echo74]

Okay, so: Let's say you stay with her but she becomes aware you wish she had big breasts. Then, she goes and gets a boob job. Would you fall in love with then? I know many men are just as turned off by artificial boobs as they are by no boobs.

 

Yeah I honestly don't think that her getting a boob job would change anything except sexually for him. As others have stated, sometimes the person is wonderful in every way but there's still no spark in the heart. It happens.

 

Please be kind and think of her. Let her go now.

[MountainGirl111]

I'm not a pyromaniac or anything. But my dad taught me how to start a good fire growing up. I needed to know how to do that because when we got home from school both parents might still be a work and the house was cold.

 

So: You wad up some old newspapers and put those at the base. Follow it with kindling. Then lay wood over that and it's important how you layer the kindling and the wood if you want to burn nice and hot. Now: You can light the fire at that point and it'll get going, maybe...however, if you REALLY want the fire to burn hot and strong you squirt some diesel over it and then light match to it. I did this many times and it always worked. It amazes me how many people do not know how to start a good fire.

 

This is just a little analogy, mind you....but is it really so different than that of chemistry or lack thereof between people?

 

Maybe your current lady has all these wonderful qualities, but lacks a sense of humor that would really get the fire going. Maybe she just is blah as a conversationalist. Maybe she is smart enough. I don't know what all....sex appeal is about so many different things and it's different for each person. What one guy may find totally DISARMING may turn another guy off. Maybe you and your lady just need a little diesel.

[Whodatdog]

But WHY don't I love my girlfriend? WHY? I WANT to love her so much! I can't think of ANY flaws in her personality. She's the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful, beautiful person! WHY have I not fallen for her?!?

 

Because love has nothing to do with any of those things. Thats why people fall in love all the time with people who are bad for them, who have flaws, who are mean and selfish. Who have small breasts. Because all these things are tangible, and love isnt tangible. Its emotional. You can't make it happen, you've been told that over and over. Just how it is.

[UsuallyConfused]

I'm not a pyromaniac or anything. But my dad taught me how to start a good fire growing up. I needed to know how to do that because when we got home from school both parents might still be a work and the house was cold.

 

So: You wad up some old newspapers and put those at the base. Follow it with kindling. Then lay wood over that and it's important how you layer the kindling and the wood if you want to burn nice and hot. Now: You can light the fire at that point and it'll get going, maybe...however, if you REALLY want the fire to burn hot and strong you squirt some diesel over it and then light match to it. I did this many times and it always worked. It amazes me how many people do not know how to start a good fire.

 

This is just a little analogy, mind you....but is it really so different than that of chemistry or lack thereof between people?

 

Maybe your current lady has all these wonderful qualities, but lacks a sense of humor that would really get the fire going. Maybe she just is blah as a conversationalist. Maybe she is smart enough. I don't know what all....sex appeal is about so many different things and it's different for each person. What one guy may find totally DISARMING may turn another guy off. Maybe you and your lady just need a little diesel.

 

Thank you all for your responses, from obviously a pretty obtuse guy. I'll have time tonight to respond to some of them.

[heavenonearth]

2nd attempt OP:

 

Does she like her body? Does she complain about it? Does she want larger breasts? Does she lament the size of her chest or is she OK with it?

 

Seriously, you both can solve this, if you're both seeing the lack of large breasts to be that impactful on a) your ability to love her and b) her feelings of wanting a change, by looking up board certified plastic surgeons and paying for her to get implants/augmentation.

 

i seriously doubt he would all of a sudden fall in love with her if she had fake boobs. the spark isn't there, that's the problem. happens to the best of us. this is not a difficult case or difficult problem - OP, you just need to break it off and let her meet a man who deserves her.

[ThreeRainbows]

But WHY don't I love my girlfriend? WHY? I WANT to love her so much! I can't think of ANY flaws in her personality. She's the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful, beautiful person! WHY have I not fallen for her?!?

 

 

She doesn't have any boundaries. Or you haven't seen them yet.

[ThreeRainbows]

OP, this is what you need to do to have a remote chance and fixing this problem.

 

 

You need to tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her you are not in love with her. If she asks why, be as honest as you can. The answer can be "I don't know," or it can be "I am not physically attracted to you." It doesn't matter. The main point is, you need to:

 

 

1. Assert yourself by directing communicating your feelings, &

2. Give her the chance to respect herself.

 

 

If you tell her you're not in love with her, it gives her the chance to self-respect ("I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me").

 

 

The earlier you do this in a relationship, the higher the chance you will fall back in love (if you ever were). What you really need to see is her sense of self/boundaries/self-respect. That is what a man really loves in a woman, and why some men are deeply in love with wives that aren't their ideal body type.

 

 

If you wait too long to do this (and you may have waited too long already), it will be too late. She can self-respect all she wants, but there will be too much emotional distance.

 

 

 

By moving on, you are actually giving the relationship a chance to grow at the best, and at the worst, you are choosing happiness for yourself.

 

 

 

Good luck. Next time, try to respect your feelings sooner! That can prevent this!

[Lotsgoingon]

You're also patronizing her.

 

General principle: never marry someone who you don't think could survive a breakup with you.

 

Indeed, all the talk of how "kind" and "sweet" she is ... is often what we say when we think someone is naive and clueless.

 

I have dated several "sweet" girls ... you know ... so sweet, so harmless, so nice, always thinking of the other person ... and let me tell you ... "sweetness" as you seem to using the word is a fiction guys created way back when to describe women who didn't challenge them and were always agreeable ... Trust me you marry her, you'll find a reason person there who isn't going always agree with you.

 

And here's what I'll also tell you ... The "sweet" girls I dated had amazingly voracious sexual appetites ... In other words, they were full flesh-and-blood human beings ... with all the passions and drives and flaws as anyone else ...

 

Let me be clear, I love people who are kind and generous and wonderful and thoughtful about others' needs ... but the "sweetest girl in the world" thing you're using ... fiction!

 

You marry her and show little sexual interest or attraction ... and dude, she'll gravitate so quickly to the passionate, raw guy who comes onto her ... who is really FEELING her and makes a move on her ... that you won't know what the heck happened ... until you see the "sweetness" of the hotel bills.

 

Quit the babysitting and treating her like a child. I know: you think you're treating her and regarding her with respect. But you're not. You're treating her as a harmless child, acting like breaking up with her is the equivalent of a parent abandoning a toddler.

 

If you really believe she's wonderful, give her the chance to find a guy who finds her sexy and attractive. That's how you treat her with respect. And when she gets with that person and feels what it's like to have a partner really into her, she'll totally know why you broke up with her ... and she's be downright thankful for it.

Edited August 5, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[UsuallyConfused]

if you do break up with her, please don't tell her its because of her breasts.

 

Oh, of course not! I would NEVER be that thoughtless and cruel.

[UsuallyConfused]

OP, this is what you need to do to have a remote chance and fixing this problem.

 

 

You need to tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her you are not in love with her. If she asks why, be as honest as you can. The answer can be "I don't know," or it can be "I am not physically attracted to you." It doesn't matter. The main point is, you need to:

 

 

1. Assert yourself by directing communicating your feelings, &

2. Give her the chance to respect herself.

 

 

If you tell her you're not in love with her, it gives her the chance to self-respect ("I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me").

 

 

The earlier you do this in a relationship, the higher the chance you will fall back in love (if you ever were). What you really need to see is her sense of self/boundaries/self-respect. That is what a man really loves in a woman, and why some men are deeply in love with wives that aren't their ideal body type.

 

 

If you wait too long to do this (and you may have waited too long already), it will be too late. She can self-respect all she wants, but there will be too much emotional distance.

 

 

 

By moving on, you are actually giving the relationship a chance to grow at the best, and at the worst, you are choosing happiness for yourself.

 

 

 

Good luck. Next time, try to respect your feelings sooner! That can prevent this!

 

You say a lot of interesting things here, things that are making me think. Thank you very much.

[UsuallyConfused]

i seriously doubt he would all of a sudden fall in love with her if she had fake boobs. the spark isn't there, that's the problem. happens to the best of us. this is not a difficult case or difficult problem - OP, you just need to break it off and let her meet a man who deserves her.

 

You had me right up until "who deserves her". You mean, I don't DESERVE her?

[Desesperado]

Yeah, hard to say what it is that makes the 'whole package' but I learned from (unfortunate) experience it cannot be forced.

 

Nothing wrong with men being visual, but that's something you discover on the first meet not after a full year. That's why I think it's more.

 

My interpretation is he

1) met this woman that was good to him on paper but he wasn't really into her

2) convinced himself his 'picker' is wrong and gave her a chance

3) developed attachment due to her good qualities but ultimately knows he wants something else

 

These relationships are the hardest to break because there is nothing ultimately wrong with the person, besides they are not really a 'match' (i.e. exciting enough to keep it sustainable). I spent 2+ (miserable!!!) years with a guy like this, and blamed myself for even longer why I couldn't be at my best with him.... Truth was: i didn't really like him but this was too hard for me to admit... It lead to all the problems and nit-picky arguments.

 

With my BF now I'm waaaaaay more lax with my expectations, we never even argue, and since I'm the same person (LOL I haven't tried to alter my mind with therapy etc), I think it is just the fact that we are into each other which makes everything go smoothly. With the ex, I think we were both trying to 'improve' the other (fit in our mold) to 'justify' the relationship. Futile efforts.

 

I don't know, my oldest childhood male friend, met a wonderfull woman that suits him extremely well, still the girl pursued him for months and he would tell me how he wasn't convinced keeping her at distance and prefered being single.

They now have renovated a farm moving in together and are going strong, I'm not sure relationships cannot develop, I mean they also sometimes fade suddenly for no reasons, why is the opposite not possible !?

 

There's a difference in trying to change people, that's just wrong and delusional, also there are women I admired and found mentally exciting, then having sex was a chore, it almost left me digusted not because of body type but not enough chemistry. Still I think there is wide path until nitoxicated with someone almost solely because of sexual chemistry, but then their personality leaves you bored.

There is most likely a middle ground here, because in my experience both extreme feelings, never work in the end it's like it makes you bipolar !

 

But the OP puzzles me, he talk of is exes and other women solely as bra sizes, that's really disturbing they are human not things, I think this is unhealthy view or expectations on women...

Edited August 26, 2018 by Desesperado

[Lotsgoingon]

No, you do not deserve her ... because you're not attracted to her and you don't have the basic integrity to tell her that or to end the relationship.

 

So yes, another guy who IS attracted to her and who respects her enough to be honest with her and doesn't think she'll die ten deaths because of a breakup ... Yes, that guy is more deserving of dating her than you are.