Whodatdog Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 One falls in love with someone in spite of their flaws. If you arent in love with this woman, then no matter what she does you never will. You want to be in love with her, and you think if she were a different physical type, you would fall in love with her, but its not that easy. Love is a deeply emotional feeling. If she were a different physical type, you wouldnt instantly be emotionally in love. You cant mold people into what you want to love. You love people because of who they are. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Thank you all for your responses! I will respond to each one soon. No, my girlfriend hasn't gained a lot of weight since we've started dating. The issue I'm having is that she's flat-chested, and I've always loved large chests (even super large). But I know this is just a physical trait I long for, not something of lasting value or real significance, like personality, caring, character, etc. So I don't want it to make me want to break up with her and shatter her heart. I'm in counseling for this, but I'm so scared that I won't be able to get over this. I'm desperate and very, very scared. Whatever you do, do not tell her the reason you're struggling is because she is lacking in bra size. That would akin to telling you the reason she's having problems with you is because you aren't packing enough between the legs. It would hurt her tremendously. My guess is that this not really about her breast size, though. You knew this about her all along so I am not clear why this is becoming such a problem at this point. Have you always struggled with physical attraction to her? Are you perhaps subconsciously trying to wiggle out of commitment, and this one specific feature is how your fears are manifesting? 1
MountainGirl111 Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 I'm sorry, friend, but if you don't loved her by now...if you're not crazy about her by now....if you're not lusting after her by now....in spite of all her wonderful qualities...I don't think the things you desire can be manufactured. I don't look down on you or anything for wanting someone with large breasts. You're not alone in that; which is why so many women will pay good money to get breast implants. (and then maybe later pay good money to have them removed?) But say you did find a woman who had most of the qualities you admire and also had big boobs...but had an unattractive nose or eyes you can't gaze into and love....or bad skin...or short legs...whatever the case may be. I know many men who are stuck on boobs and the reality is there aren't that many women who have them that are natural. Many men are simply turned off by the artificial. Or, maybe their boobs are big, but so is the rest of their body being overweight and the boobs are mainly fat. However there are perhaps just as many men for which breasts are simply not that important. Different men are attracted to different things. We can't help you fall in love with someone or help you become passionately crazy about someone. Sorry to say. 3
Lotsgoingon Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 I echo everyone here. If you can't get past her bra size based on her overall qualities and the joy of being with her, then there is a problem. And this struggle you're in is NOT superficial ... I think her flat chest is only the obvious quality you can identify ... but look, I'm a buttocks man. I love a nice shapely behind ... but if I'm into a woman overall, she can be flat-butted for days and I'd make peace with it ... because I would enjoy who she is! So your reaction is not shallow in that if you a breast man, then that's what you are ... and you need to move on ... but most of us are flexible on body types because we're dating people--not just bodies ... If you can't be flexible with this woman, then your affection may not be as strong as you think. But somehow you're not open to the possibility that you don't like her as much as you think you do ... or perhaps as much as you "should" like her. That should is causing you major problems. 2
Echo74 Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 If after one whole year you are not in love with her, I doubt you will ever be. I cannot imagine any amount of therapy will change that. The kindest thing you can do now is let her go so she can find someone who will love all of her. Stop wasting her time and yours. If small breasts are a deal breaker, then from here forward you probably should just stick to large breasted women. 3
MountainGirl111 Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 Now: If I knew a man was attracted to me based upon a physical trait or lack thereof....that would be a turn off to me! I'm not picking on you, OP. I am a big breasted woman...and yet I, even I realize that I want more than just a man who is interested in my bra size, which is substantial. What do you think women really want? We are not superficial creatures, who only care about physical things. We want depth. We want someone who will really listen to us; who will take us seriously long after they note the size of our chests. 1
Author UsuallyConfused Posted August 1, 2018 Author Posted August 1, 2018 (edited) Now: If I knew a man was attracted to me based upon a physical trait or lack thereof....that would be a turn off to me! I'm not picking on you, OP. I am a big breasted woman...and yet I, even I realize that I want more than just a man who is interested in my bra size, which is substantial. What do you think women really want? We are not superficial creatures, who only care about physical things. We want depth. We want someone who will really listen to us; who will take us seriously long after they note the size of our chests. Yes, of course I know women don't want a guy to want her only for her chest, or even primarily for her chest. But you know, as a large-chested woman, that your big chest is what many guys notice first, and is what draws many of us to a large-chested woman. When I see a well-endowed woman, I know that she is way more than her chest. But I get bewildered when I hear when women are upset that a guy focuses on her chest, when she's a DD+ and is showing a ton of cleavage at the time. Edited August 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
BaileyB Posted August 1, 2018 Posted August 1, 2018 But you know, as a large-chested woman, that your big chest is what many guys notice first, and is what draws many of us to a large-chested woman. That is your opinion. My boyfriend could care less... Trust me when I say, as a woman - they get in the way, they are a pain when you exercise, and it can be difficult to dress when you have a large chest.
Author UsuallyConfused Posted August 2, 2018 Author Posted August 2, 2018 That is your opinion. My boyfriend could care less... Trust me when I say, as a woman - they get in the way, they are a pain when you exercise, and it can be difficult to dress when you have a large chest. Yes, I said many guys love big-chested women, not all guys.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 Yes, of course I know women don't want a guy to want her only for her chest, or even primarily for her chest. But you know, as a large-chested woman, that your big chest is what many guys notice first, and is what draws many of us to a large-chested woman. When I see a well-endowed woman, I know that she is way more than her chest. But I get bewildered when I hear when women are upset that a guy focuses on her chest, when she's a DD+ and is showing a ton of cleavage at the time. I'm guessing your girlfriend doesn't know about this. It's very hard to "make" yourself feel in love and passionate about someone if it's just not there. At best you would be "pretending" or "faking" it and if you end up staying together it's going to be very unfulfilling for the both of you.
greymatter Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 If you were with a woman who meets your physical ideals and you were in love with her, what would you do if she was found to have breast cancer, and had to have one or both breasts removed? I'm genuinely interested since this is a real possibility given breast cancer rates. I seriously think you owe it to your SO to end the relationship since you don't love her, unless she knows that is the case and is okay with things as they are. Another question, do you tell her that you love her (i.e. lie about your feelings)? 2
Author UsuallyConfused Posted August 2, 2018 Author Posted August 2, 2018 If you were with a woman who meets your physical ideals and you were in love with her, what would you do if she was found to have breast cancer, and had to have one or both breasts removed? I'm genuinely interested since this is a real possibility given breast cancer rates. I seriously think you owe it to your SO to end the relationship since you don't love her, unless she knows that is the case and is okay with things as they are. Another question, do you tell her that you love her (i.e. lie about your feelings)? I've thought about this. If I was in love with her, I would never leave her if she got sick and lost her breasts. I would love her after all, not just her body. She knows that I'm lagging behind her in feelings. I occasionally say I love her because I do love her, although I may not be "in love" with her.
Author UsuallyConfused Posted August 2, 2018 Author Posted August 2, 2018 I would need to know more about your situation. Every man sees women around that are attractive. In a different way than the one you are with. You are 52. What is your relationship history? Have you typically dated women that are shaped like the ones you are lusting after? Or are they out of your league? Are the women you are lusting after much younger than your GF? Is this a body type that is only likely to be found on much younger women? Is this a body type that is only likely to be found on a small percentage of women? Have you broken up with women before for this reason? I have dated some women with large chests. My ex-wife, for instance, is a DD. I know that women with large chests are in demand, but I like large chests so much that I am ok with a woman being 50, 100, perhaps even 150 pounds overweight if she has a big chest. So shouldn't I have little trouble attracting a woman like this?
Author UsuallyConfused Posted August 2, 2018 Author Posted August 2, 2018 It isn't "settling" if it's the best you can do. Why I need more info from the OP. For all I know, this is his first serious GF. If he is lusting after fit twentysomethings with boob jobs and gorgeous to boot... if he's balding, 50 pounds overweight, and unemployed... is he settling? If the women he lusts after are easily attainable to him, that's a different story. I like when you say that it isn't settling if it's the best I can do. Maybe my girlfriend is the best I can do. I worry that that is the case. Maybe I just can not get a pretty woman with a large chest, no matter how heavy she is!
Author UsuallyConfused Posted August 2, 2018 Author Posted August 2, 2018 This will lead to heartbreak... If there's not even a little attraction, it will wear down on the OP more and more over time. One of my ex's did and eventually they tire of faking it... I do have some attraction for my girlfriend. She has a beautiful all-natural tan, and nice skin. But when I see a woman with a large chest, or wide hips (I like those too), my heart sinks inside, because I think "why can't I have that?"
ExpatInItaly Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 I've thought about this. If I was in love with her, I would never leave her if she got sick and lost her breasts. I would love her after all, not just her body. She knows that I'm lagging behind her in feelings. I occasionally say I love her because I do love her, although I may not be "in love" with her. Please, let this woman go. She deserves a man who is in love with her. It's not fair of you to keep this up while you know you don't feel the same way about her.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 Reading the rest of the thread, I feel like it's kind of a hopeless clause. You're not in love with her and I don't think you can talk yourself into it. I agree you should let her go so she can find a man who loves her completely. 1
No_Go Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 I'm sensing it is way more than her boobs. The chest is what is easier to tell to yourself, but if the same chest was belonging to a woman that you were in love with, it will bother you way less. Btw nothing wrong with having a body type preference. We all do to one extent or another. But usually the preference is more lax when you fall in love with the person. E.g. in my case I prefer tall men (which similarly to your preference for big breasts is true for many), however in my 20s I got wildly infatuated with a guy who was 5'8 or so (I'm 5'7). The preference became less important because there were too many other things that attracted me to him. On the other side, I had an ex that generally bothered me, I was nitpicking to no end why is that, where the truth was I wasn't really in love with him. IMO take a closer look in the relationship and consider does it makes sense to continue it. I think after a whole year it is unlikely your feelings to grow... 2
MountainGirl111 Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 I do have some attraction for my girlfriend. She has a beautiful all-natural tan, and nice skin. But when I see a woman with a large chest, or wide hips (I like those too), my heart sinks inside, because I think "why can't I have that?" I fear your relationship is already doomed. And, your happiness is doomed. Perhaps her happiness is doomed too depending on how long you can carry off the pretense and her not know these things. Do you want to live the rest of your life having your heart "sink" every time you see a voluptuous woman you can't "have"? That's no way to live....
MountainGirl111 Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 I'm sensing it is way more than her boobs. The chest is what is easier to tell to yourself, but if the same chest was belonging to a woman that you were in love with, it will bother you way less. Btw nothing wrong with having a body type preference. We all do to one extent or another. But usually the preference is more lax when you fall in love with the person. I agree it might be likely more than just a physical preference going on. Perhaps if a woman is alluring and/or irresistable to a man it's a whole package kind of thing...and certainly it is a whole package thing that will make a relationship happily sustainable. No doubt many relationships are "sustainable", but not all are happily so. I think I would have a hard time being with someone who I knew had such a strong preference for a body likeness I couldn't possibly attain to....realistically, that is. I know many men prefer thin women; whether they are curvy or not. But many men prefer curvy women too. Some are hung up on legs and some small waists. Overall, men are visual....but there is something about a woman's personality and self confidence that makes a woman more attractive. I find med who are confident, but nice attractive. 1
BaileyB Posted August 2, 2018 Posted August 2, 2018 when you truly love someone, these kind of things don’t matter. They become wants, not needs. Let your girlfriend find someone who truly loves her, because it is quite clear that you do not. 2
Author UsuallyConfused Posted August 3, 2018 Author Posted August 3, 2018 when you truly love someone, these kind of things don’t matter. They become wants, not needs. Let your girlfriend find someone who truly loves her, because it is quite clear that you do not. But WHY don't I love my girlfriend? WHY? I WANT to love her so much! I can't think of ANY flaws in her personality. She's the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful, beautiful person! WHY have I not fallen for her?!? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 But WHY don't I love my girlfriend? WHY? I WANT to love her so much! I can't think of ANY flaws in her personality. She's the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful, beautiful person! WHY have I not fallen for her?!? We can't answer that, OP. Someone can be a great person but still not be the right person for you. It's not always logical or quantifiable. That's what distinguishes a good friend from a romantic partner. You like her but you don't have the feelings one usually needs to maintain a relationship. You can't force what was never there for you. 1
greymatter Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 But WHY don't I love my girlfriend? WHY? I WANT to love her so much! I can't think of ANY flaws in her personality. She's the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful, beautiful person! WHY have I not fallen for her?!? It's so hard to know, but it sounds like that special connection is just not there. I can tell you want to have with her very much.
greymatter Posted August 3, 2018 Posted August 3, 2018 (edited) Confused, read the Mark Manson article entitled "Fu&k Yes or No." Really worth the read and might help you sort this out more quickly. Personally, I'm in a F-yes relationship now and will never be in a F-no relationship again. I've been there more than once and it's not a good place to be. Edited August 3, 2018 by greymatter 1
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