UsuallyConfused Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 I need you good people's help. I'm in such a bind, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I've been seeing a woman for close to a year now. She lives 2 hours away and we see each other only on weekends, about 2-3 weekends per month. But we've gotten very close, and she loves me completely. She told me recently that she's felt for a long time that she wants to be with me forever. She's the most cheerful person in the world, she is the sweetest woman, has a very pretty face, and is a great mom to her 2 girls. She's 45 and I'm 52. My problem is that she doesn't have a body type that drives me crazy. I see women around that do, and it frustrates me so much that my girlfriend isn't shaped like they are. Everything else about my girlfriend is awesome. So PLEASE help me get over this! I want to fall in love with her so much! I want to be happy, and I want to make her so happy. I don't want my lust for a body type that I've always preferred make me lose such a beautiful, wonderful woman. Oh God, I need help so desperately. I would pay many thousands of dollars if I could somehow get past this. I appreciate any and all help/advice you can suggest! Thank you very much.
coolheadal Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 I need you good people's help. I'm in such a bind, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I've been seeing a woman for close to a year now. She lives 2 hours away and we see each other only on weekends, about 2-3 weekends per month. But we've gotten very close, and she loves me completely. She told me recently that she's felt for a long time that she wants to be with me forever. She's the most cheerful person in the world, she is the sweetest woman, has a very pretty face, and is a great mom to her 2 girls. She's 45 and I'm 52. My problem is that she doesn't have a body type that drives me crazy. I see women around that do, and it frustrates me so much that my girlfriend isn't shaped like they are. Everything else about my girlfriend is awesome. So PLEASE help me get over this! I want to fall in love with her so much! I want to be happy, and I want to make her so happy. I don't want my lust for a body type that I've always preferred make me lose such a beautiful, wonderful woman. Oh God, I need help so desperately. I would pay many thousands of dollars if I could somehow get past this. I appreciate any and all help/advice you can suggest! Thank you very much. I use to date a woman who prior 3rd husband created a barbie body for her. Trust me you rather have the woman you love body. No one should be subjugated to your rules as you should love her no matter what and be attracted by her. You wanted her in the first place, but you have grown too far from the truth. You both can stop eating the junk, corn favoring use instead of sugar and go walk in the evenings buy bikes and start riding them. help her as you want to be with her and stop with this foolish idea you have going on. It's just not right to be judgmental like that!
ExpatInItaly Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 You can't force yourself to have feelings you don't have, OP. Has she gained a lot of weight in the last year or something? I ask because I am guessing she had the same body type when you started dating her, so I am curious to hear what attracted you to her at first. Or was it more that since she really liked you, you figured you'd give it a go, and the spark was never really there for you? 1
Juha Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 Being attracted to someone physically is as important as being compatible It's great you get along with her and all but not being attracted to her physically will doom this relationship. The right thing would be to break up with her as you will never be happy with her if you are not physically attracted to her... No, it's not being shallow, it's being honest. If you stay with this woman, you attraction to her will not grow. You will more than likely not be happy and resent yourself and possibly her.
FMW Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 You can't force something that's not there. It will be kinder of you to end it now instead of wasting more of her time. Let her go to find someone who is crazy about all of her. You should never "settle". You're doing both yourself and her a disservice.
BaileyB Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 You can't force something that isn't there... But, at the same time... make sure your expectations are reasonable. She is 45. You are 52. Neither of you will have the bodies that you had when you were younger. None of us can avoid aging... If she has gained a lot of weight and you just don't find her attractive, that's one thing. If you are expecting someone who is 45 to look like she is 25, think again... As we grow older, looks will fade... The love of a good woman will do you well until the end... 1
stillafool Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 What body type do you like? Can your gf work out to achieve it?
Striver Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 I need you good people's help. I'm in such a bind, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I've been seeing a woman for close to a year now. She lives 2 hours away and we see each other only on weekends, about 2-3 weekends per month. But we've gotten very close, and she loves me completely. She told me recently that she's felt for a long time that she wants to be with me forever. She's the most cheerful person in the world, she is the sweetest woman, has a very pretty face, and is a great mom to her 2 girls. She's 45 and I'm 52. My problem is that she doesn't have a body type that drives me crazy. I see women around that do, and it frustrates me so much that my girlfriend isn't shaped like they are. Everything else about my girlfriend is awesome. So PLEASE help me get over this! I want to fall in love with her so much! I want to be happy, and I want to make her so happy. I don't want my lust for a body type that I've always preferred make me lose such a beautiful, wonderful woman. Oh God, I need help so desperately. I would pay many thousands of dollars if I could somehow get past this. I appreciate any and all help/advice you can suggest! Thank you very much. I would need to know more about your situation. Every man sees women around that are attractive. In a different way than the one you are with. You are 52. What is your relationship history? Have you typically dated women that are shaped like the ones you are lusting after? Or are they out of your league? Are the women you are lusting after much younger than your GF? Is this a body type that is only likely to be found on much younger women? Is this a body type that is only likely to be found on a small percentage of women? Have you broken up with women before for this reason?
smackie9 Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 Just think what she's going to look like in 10 years........are you sure she's worth the "forever?" 1
Striver Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 You can't force something that's not there. It will be kinder of you to end it now instead of wasting more of her time. Let her go to find someone who is crazy about all of her. You should never "settle". You're doing both yourself and her a disservice. It isn't "settling" if it's the best you can do. Why I need more info from the OP. For all I know, this is his first serious GF. If he is lusting after fit twentysomethings with boob jobs and gorgeous to boot... if he's balding, 50 pounds overweight, and unemployed... is he settling? If the women he lusts after are easily attainable to him, that's a different story.
FMW Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 (edited) I NEVER want someone to be with me because they feel I'm the best they can do. How utterly mortifying. The man I fell crazy in love with has exactly the opposite type of body I have always preferred. That fact never made me hesitate because I fell for HIM, not his body type. OP asks "How do I fall in love with my girlfriend", not hey is it wrong that I find other body types more attractive than hers. Maybe that's what he meant, but that's not the feeling I get from reading his entire post. He finds her to be sweet, a great mom, etc. He says he's not crazy about her body type. I don't think he's crazy about her at all. So yes, more information might lead to better comments. Edited July 28, 2018 by Finding my way
Ruby Slippers Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 Infatuation is temporary, and then comes the mindful choice to love this person day by day. Only you know if staying with her is the right thing to do. From what you've said here, it sounds like your heart is in the right place and you want to love her. So give it a shot.
ElKay Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 Infatuation is temporary, and then comes the mindful choice to love this person day by day. Only you know if staying with her is the right thing to do. From what you've said here, it sounds like your heart is in the right place and you want to love her. So give it a shot. This will lead to heartbreak... If there's not even a little attraction, it will wear down on the OP more and more over time. One of my ex's did and eventually they tire of faking it...
morrowrd Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 You can buy the car of your dreams, loaded, and if it's not the right color - it's never going to be the right color. You have a preference, and she isn't it. Yet she has qualities you appreciate and wish she fit into the "look" you like. As tough as this sounds, cut her loose and go find someone who is in your attraction preference. There are men who would love a chance to be with her as is...give her that chance. At 52, don't waste any more of your time on a relationship you're trying to "make it work." I'm 53 brother, and just married the girl of my dreams April 21st. I dated a bunch of women, had relationships with women who fit into my system of "two out of three ain't bad." (Meaning) they possessed more things I liked, than things I didn't like. However, tying yourself and single status up with "settling" keeps you blocked if the right one comes along. 1
ThreeRainbows Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 I would communicate to her. Be honest. Let her know you're stuck with the physical attraction. See if there's anything she can do (lose weight? get fit?). Otherwise, you need to make a decision - what do you want more? Don't feel guilty about going for it. Does she really want a guy who isn't that into her?
kendahke Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 She's 45 and I'm 52. My problem is that she doesn't have a body type that drives me crazy. I see women around that do, and it frustrates me so much that my girlfriend isn't shaped like they are. Everything else about my girlfriend is awesome. So PLEASE help me get over this! I want to fall in love with her so much! I want to be happy, and I want to make her so happy. I don't want my lust for a body type that I've always preferred make me lose such a beautiful, wonderful woman. Oh God, I need help so desperately. I would pay many thousands of dollars if I could somehow get past this. I appreciate any and all help/advice you can suggest! Thank you very much. Does she know that you feel this way about her body? How does she feel about her body? Does she bring it up and does she want to change it and/or get some work done? If so, she and you investigate and familiarize yourself with your area's board certified plastic surgeons together and you pay for it. A year from now, things could be more the way both of you want them.
Noproblem Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 How about you move closer to her house, and exercise together regularly every day! THen she will have a nice body and stay healthy! Other than that! I don't see how you gonna say please lose weight! I believe if you want you partner to have an attractive look, you must show him the way without letting him feel bad about him/herself.
greymatter Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 Seems like you should move on. You don't love her and you wish you did. How did you end up dating her in the first place if you are not attracted to her? Because she makes you feel good about yourself? Posters here are making the assumption that your girlfriend is overweight. Are they right, or is the body type you long for something else entirely? I think it's sad that so many here are telling you how to try and change your girlfriend, to move closer when you are not even in love with her, mention of plastic surgery, etc. Ugh. If you don't love her, just get out of this relationship. Hopefully she will find a man who does actually love and accept her. Everyone deserves that, if they can find it. 1
Author UsuallyConfused Posted July 31, 2018 Author Posted July 31, 2018 You can't force yourself to have feelings you don't have, OP. Has she gained a lot of weight in the last year or something? I ask because I am guessing she had the same body type when you started dating her, so I am curious to hear what attracted you to her at first. Or was it more that since she really liked you, you figured you'd give it a go, and the spark was never really there for you? Thank you all for your responses! I will respond to each one soon. No, my girlfriend hasn't gained a lot of weight since we've started dating. The issue I'm having is that she's flat-chested, and I've always loved large chests (even super large). But I know this is just a physical trait I long for, not something of lasting value or real significance, like personality, caring, character, etc. So I don't want it to make me want to break up with her and shatter her heart. I'm in counseling for this, but I'm so scared that I won't be able to get over this. I'm desperate and very, very scared.
stillafool Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 You'll always lust for big ones. You can't counsel your way outta that.
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Thank you all for your responses! I will respond to each one soon. No, my girlfriend hasn't gained a lot of weight since we've started dating. The issue I'm having is that she's flat-chested, and I've always loved large chests (even super large). But I know this is just a physical trait I long for, not something of lasting value or real significance, like personality, caring, character, etc. So I don't want it to make me want to break up with her and shatter her heart. I'm in counseling for this, but I'm so scared that I won't be able to get over this. I'm desperate and very, very scared. My friend, you are 52 years old... Old enough to know that the size of a woman's chest is a superficial thing and not something that should be used to determine the compatibility of a long term mate. You like what you like, sure. But, my goodness... Forgive my sarcasm, but I want to tell you to think with your big head, not your little head.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Thank you all for your responses! I will respond to each one soon. No, my girlfriend hasn't gained a lot of weight since we've started dating. The issue I'm having is that she's flat-chested, and I've always loved large chests (even super large). But I know this is just a physical trait I long for, not something of lasting value or real significance, like personality, caring, character, etc. So I don't want it to make me want to break up with her and shatter her heart. I'm in counseling for this, but I'm so scared that I won't be able to get over this. I'm desperate and very, very scared. It's possible this isn't really about her chest. It is possible there is a deeper underlying reason, and your brain is making a rationalization. Could you be afraid of intimacy or settling down? Commitment phobe perhaps? 3
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 You'll always lust for big ones. You can't counsel your way outta that. Indeed, you will. Which is why it becomes a simple decision... are you going to chase your sexual fantasies, or decide to love a woman who will bring so many other things to your life? And - I hate to say it, but your sex life may well have an expiry date. How silly would it be to let go of a good woman if within a few years, you can't have sex because of medications and/or other health issues? You will look like a very silly man indeed...
anika99 Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Regardless of your reason for not finding your gf sexually attractive and regardless if your reason is shallow, you should not waste anymore of your time or your gf's time on this relationship. You don't love her. People can't be "counselled" into loving someone. Your gf deserves a boyfriend who thinks she's beautiful, who lusts for her and who is madly in love with her. You are keeping her from finding that by continuing this relationship. Let her go. She can find someone who isn't focussed on boobs and you can find someone with big boobs. Everyone wins. 4
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 Your gf deserves a boyfriend who thinks she's beautiful, who lusts for her and who is madly in love with her. You are keeping her from finding that by continuing this relationship. Let her go. Amen! If you can't do this (for whatever reason), let her find someone who can... 2
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