wow123 Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 I've been on this site on and off for years now. Great place for advice. So here's my most recent story. Met a girl. Dated for 7 months. Broke up with her. Grass is greener I guess. Got back together. Together for a year and a half now. Everything is good. She's ready to get engaged. I'm not so sure. She's basically done with me now unless we move forward. I don't want to move forward do to pressure. I want to move forward because we both want to. Thoughts?
Happy Lemming Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 In my youth, I had been dating this woman for a while. One evening (after going out to dinner) we were back at her place making out and out of the blue she hit me with this ultimatum to get engaged to her or leave... I got up and left, one of best decisions I ever made!! Marriage is not something one should be bullied into. If you are not ready, don't do it. If she tells you to leave, then do just that. There will be other women, trust me!! Just my opinion, based on my own experience. 1
Soflovd Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 Listen man, marriage is no joke. That can be thrown around and I don't think some think of the severity of marriage and what comes with it. DO NOT and let me repeat DO not get married because of pressure. Timing is key and if she's not willing to wait she doesn't love you and thats the harsh truth. 1
Author wow123 Posted July 28, 2018 Author Posted July 28, 2018 In my youth, I had been dating this woman for a while. One evening (after going out to dinner) we were back at her place making out and out of the blue she hit me with this ultimatum to get engaged to her or leave... I got up and left, one of best decisions I ever made!! Marriage is not something one should be bullied into. If you are not ready, don't do it. If she tells you to leave, then do just that. There will be other women, trust me!! Just my opinion, based on my own experience. Appreciate your feedback. That's the way I feel.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 (edited) Make sure you're not reacting to pressure, reacting to someone asserting themselves with you. Do you love her? A year and a half is a long time. You should know how you feel about her by now. Be prepared to lose her. Can you handle that? Edited July 28, 2018 by ThreeRainbows
OatsAndHall Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 Oh boy... It sounds to me like she's insecure, either by nature, from your previous break-up or both. I'd suggest sitting down with her and talking about the situation... And, I mean TALK, not lecture or fight. Let her know that you care about her, you want to be with her but that you don't want to rush into something as serious as marriage. Unfortunately, many folks don't understand how serious marriage is until they're going through a divorce..
Poutrew Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 Marriage is a very serious thing not to be taken lightly. I have a friend who waited 10 years before he felt good enough about it to marry his live in girlfriend. Well, he made a big mistake - as soon as the ring was on her finger she gets pregnant and starts laying down the law concerning who will or will not be able to see the kid after he's born. How his family are a bunch of freaks she wouldn't leave alone with HER kid without a cop nearby, but, of course HER family has no such restrictions... the poor guy is walking around now like he had a brick shoved into his face (he did). He waited, but she outsmarted him... and is now the unmasked shrew... I give the union maybe a year or so... So, be very careful.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 Marriage is a very serious thing not to be taken lightly. I have a friend who waited 10 years before he felt good enough about it to marry his live in girlfriend. Well, he made a big mistake - as soon as the ring was on her finger she gets pregnant and starts laying down the law concerning who will or will not be able to see the kid after he's born. How his family are a bunch of freaks she wouldn't leave alone with HER kid without a cop nearby, but, of course HER family has no such restrictions... the poor guy is walking around now like he had a brick shoved into his face (he did). He waited, but she outsmarted him... and is now the unmasked shrew... I give the union maybe a year or so... So, be very careful. I just don't buy this. It's never one persons' fault. And, as the father, he would also have a say. I am sure the problems that became apparent after marriage were there before it as well.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 (edited) Oh boy... It sounds to me like she's insecure, either by nature, from your previous break-up or both. I'd suggest sitting down with her and talking about the situation... And, I mean TALK, not lecture or fight. Let her know that you care about her, you want to be with her but that you don't want to rush into something as serious as marriage. Unfortunately, many folks don't understand how serious marriage is until they're going through a divorce.. I don't think it's insecure to want marriage after 18 months together (plus the original 7?). That is enough time to get engaged. Don't forget, engagements can last a year or however long they need to. OP, one possible solution if you love this girl, and you can't stand losing her, is to offer her to get married, but not rush the engagement. And, as a person who is divorced, I don't think marriage is the end-all-be-all scary thing it's being made out to be here. You can get divorced. It isn't fun, but it's not permanent. Don't do it if you don't want to, just some thoughts to put it in perspective. Edited July 28, 2018 by ThreeRainbows
Beachead Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 I've been on this site on and off for years now. Great place for advice. So here's my most recent story. Met a girl. Dated for 7 months. Broke up with her. Grass is greener I guess. Got back together. Together for a year and a half now. Everything is good. She's ready to get engaged. I'm not so sure. She's basically done with me now unless we move forward. I don't want to move forward do to pressure. I want to move forward because we both want to. Thoughts? Who broke up with who the first time and why? Also, to help shed some light, ask yourself, how would you feel if she left you and moved on with someone else never to speak to you again? That should be a sobering thought and should give you an idea of what you're feeling. - Beach 2
Lotsgoingon Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 Anytime you feel like you are doing someone a favor to get married, that's a total sign NOT to get married. For marriage, ironically, you want to get brutally honest ... Am I dying to be with this woman for the rest of my life? Like almost that passionate ... if you are "I can wait," then the answer is no. Do not marry out of any pressure. In fact, it's dumb for her to place pressure on you ... because she should know that the right man for her won't need to feel any pressure. Sounds like you are ready to break up ... The choice between breaking up and getting married ... unless you are 99.9 percent sure of getting married now, breaking up is the best path. Whatever is causing your hesitation now, will only jump by ten-fold after you get married. Strange but true.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 (edited) Am I dying to be with this woman for the rest of my life? Like almost that passionate ... if you are "I can wait," then the answer is no. You will never find that person. "In-love" passion never lasts. Don't marry for passion. That is a bad idea. I think it is beautiful to marry someone who makes you happy everyday, and gives you the soul food you need. Does she do that for you? Some lessons I think we have to learn by living life. You can't appreciate something your partner may be giving you, if you've never experienced the opposite of it. Sometimes you have to lose something to appreciate it. This may be one of those times. Edited July 29, 2018 by ThreeRainbows
guest569 Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 I've been on this site on and off for years now. Great place for advice. So here's my most recent story. Met a girl. Dated for 7 months. Broke up with her. Grass is greener I guess. Got back together. Together for a year and a half now. Everything is good. She's ready to get engaged. I'm not so sure. She's basically done with me now unless we move forward. I don't want to move forward do to pressure. I want to move forward because we both want to. Thoughts? Im sorry, that's really rough. Engagement aside, the big issue seems to be that you're not on the same page. She is certain about the two of you having a future together but you're not so sure yet. Do you know why? You say that everything is good. So why the grass is greener? Why the cold feet? Do you need more time? Is marriage something that you would want eventually?
Bluebelle38 Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 Eh, why is she insecure because she doesn't want to waste her time? If you don't want to marry her, don't. But she has done nothing wrong! 2
ThreeRainbows Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 Eh, why is she insecure because she doesn't want to waste her time? If you don't want to marry her, don't. But she has done nothing wrong! Best answer on the entire thread. This isn't insecurity, fellas, this is self-respect. 1
marky00 Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 Some women just get turned off by guys who drag their feet. For them, they just see marriage as a logical step of progression. Doesn't make her insecure but it's hard to get a good read on feelings with these types of women. In some ways, you should be glad she has come out and said this. Most women are too scared to be the initiator in fear of being rejected or being under-valued. The alternative is her bottling it up and then in 6 months blindsiding you with a nasty breakup. And trust me when I say that is the worst type of breakup when a door gets closed and you didn't even see it closing. Just be careful here OP. You might feel under pressure but for her she just thinks its time. She could even be testing you on some level (sub conscious) so keep a cool head and don't have a melt down over this. Stay calm and keep a good handle on the bigger picture. All relationships come to crossroads at various times. This is one of those times.
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