Brink007 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I met this girl on bumble last Monday and we talked for a few days before going out for the first time last Friday. The date went very well and we hit it off. We ended the night with a quick hug. We hung out again on Sunday and ended it with another hug. She then started upping her text frequency being super flirty and suggested she cook me dinner at my house. She said “I’m happy to cook you dinner anytime ” At this point I knew she really liked me. She came over on Wednesday (2 days ago) to cook and we had a great time. We went out for a couple drinks and then came back to my house. I leaned in for a kiss (I could tell she wanted me to) and then it started getting hot and heavy. We started dry humping and I suggested we go to my room. I was definitely initiating most of it. We got there and continued and I started taking off her shirt. She stopped me and I apologized saying I was a little drunk and that I understood it was just the 3rd date. We kissed goodnight and she said she would text me the next day. I’m a pretty intuitive guy and I could tell her tone was much different with texting yesterday. She seemed way more distant and took way longer to respond. I know you’re probably thinking, “dude!! You’ve known her for like a week!” But I really like this girl and I feel she might have been turned off by my advances.. she is 24 and I am 29 by the way. I suggested we meet for lunch on Saturday and she agreed but she didn’t seem excited about it. I’m hoping I didn’t screw things up too badly. I am planning on telling her I respect her stoppping me from going any further Wednesday night and that I’d like to take things slower moving forward. Is there any other advice you could give. Anyone else been in this situation before? Thanks in advance
Art_Critic Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 How drunk was she ? if not at all then she cooled off because you were drunk and she is wondering if she is going to be dating a drinker who gets drunk... If she was drunk then scratch that and maybe she slowed you down because it was going too fast for her and what you are seeing/feeling is her version of slowed down.. I'd say knock off the getting drunk and go out with her again...
Author Brink007 Posted July 27, 2018 Author Posted July 27, 2018 We both only had a few beers (definitely not drunk but buzzed) but it was just an excuse I pulled out because I felt bad.
Normm Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Sounds like you misread her signals. Don't know what you can do to fix this other than to give her space and hope she decides in your favor. I don't like the lying "I was a bit drunk therefore I made advances". Own your actions. Don't excuse them or lie about them. Seems like that may have backfired. She knows how much you drank, maybe she doesn't like a liar?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 This sounds more to me like the chemistry was off for her once you started making out. 2
Normm Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 This sounds more to me like the chemistry was off for her once you started making out. Bad kisser? It fits 1
Author Brink007 Posted July 27, 2018 Author Posted July 27, 2018 Bad kisser? It fits Well I sure hope that’s not it but damn... Would be pretty tough to recover from that. I’ve never had that be a problem before
40somethingGuy Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I met this girl on bumble last Monday and we talked for a few days before going out for the first time last Friday. The date went very well and we hit it off. We ended the night with a quick hug. We hung out again on Sunday and ended it with another hug. She then started upping her text frequency being super flirty and suggested she cook me dinner at my house. She said “I’m happy to cook you dinner anytime ” At this point I knew she really liked me. She came over on Wednesday (2 days ago) to cook and we had a great time. We went out for a couple drinks and then came back to my house. I leaned in for a kiss (I could tell she wanted me to) and then it started getting hot and heavy. We started dry humping and I suggested we go to my room. I was definitely initiating most of it. We got there and continued and I started taking off her shirt. She stopped me and I apologized saying I was a little drunk and that I understood it was just the 3rd date. We kissed goodnight and she said she would text me the next day. I’m a pretty intuitive guy and I could tell her tone was much different with texting yesterday. She seemed way more distant and took way longer to respond. I know you’re probably thinking, “dude!! You’ve known her for like a week!” But I really like this girl and I feel she might have been turned off by my advances.. she is 24 and I am 29 by the way. I suggested we meet for lunch on Saturday and she agreed but she didn’t seem excited about it. I’m hoping I didn’t screw things up too badly. I am planning on telling her I respect her stoppping me from going any further Wednesday night and that I’d like to take things slower moving forward. Is there any other advice you could give. Anyone else been in this situation before? Thanks in advance She sounds flaky. What did she think you were doing when you invited her into your room? To look at your stamp collection? By the 3rd date you should be advancing this. If she isn't back to her old self next time you see her you need to move on. Otherwise, you could very well appear to be needy which is the death kneel of attraction. Maybe don't be so eager to see her. LIE about being busy but you then suggest a time and see what she says. I suspect you are being tested and failed this one. You need to be more of a challenge. Its a stupid game but it beats being confused wondering why she cooled. She like women crave the chase. 1
Author Brink007 Posted July 27, 2018 Author Posted July 27, 2018 She sounds flaky. What did she think you were doing when you invited her into your room? To look at your stamp collection? By the 3rd date you should be advancing this. If she isn't back to her old self next time you see her you need to move on. Otherwise, you could very well appear to be needy which is the death kneel of attraction. Maybe don't be so eager to see her. LIE about being busy but you then suggest a time and see what she says. I suspect you are being tested and failed this one. You need to be more of a challenge. Its a stupid game but it beats being confused wondering why she cooled. She like women crave the chase. Not sure how I could have failed.. I haven’t been texting her a lot by any stretch. I just suggested we have lunch on Saturday. She suggested the date before that
glows Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I agree with whomever called her flaky. She sounds like she was just in the moment and wanted to feel instant gratification. Who knows what kind of issues she has. I'd say take it for what it is. If she wants you in her life, she'll make an effort. If not, good riddance!
thefooloftheyear Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 When she went with you to your room after "messing around", what did she think was going to happen next? Did she think you were going to break out a box of Lego's and make a castle?? I dunno, man...Maybe she met someone else? I am lost as to what happened, unless you are leaving out some details.. TFY
smackie9 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 How is your house keeping? Was your room fresh and clean? Nothing worse than man sweat bedroom. Either that or her period started unexpectedly.
anduina Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 You don't know what's going on in her life so sit back a bit.
Highndry Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Apologize for NOTHING. Do NOT tell her you respect her for stopping you or any of that weak crap. Offer to take her out for a date with specifics and leave the ball in her court. 1
MajesticUnicorn Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I don’t know if it’s a lack of interest necessarily, but hard to say. Maybe she was excited about you and wanted to be physical, but realized as it was happening that things were moving too fast and got cold feet. Sure she accepted the invitation into your bedroom, but I don’t think it’s a stretch to say she may have changed her mind. Perhaps realized after a few beers her judgment may have been a bit foggy and wanted to wait before going all the way with you. I would see how the date goes. Don’t bring it up right away. See if she’s acting like her usual self again. If she still seems off and you do see potential with this girl, you could just say I’m sorry if we moved too fast on Wednesday, I’m enjoying spending time with you but of course don’t mind slowing things down if that makes you feel more comfortable.
OatsAndHall Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Slow down, take a few deep breaths and just go out to dinner with her, my friend. Don't even mention the heavy petting and get back to enjoying time together. Rehashing it probably won't do any good; just don't repeat it. Be careful of how much you drink around each other and take her lead when it comes to the physical side of things.
ChatroomHero Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Apologize for NOTHING. Do NOT tell her you respect her for stopping you or any of that weak crap. Offer to take her out for a date with specifics and leave the ball in her court. Yeah, first it's not really true and if it is, it will sound like a line from a guy on damage control. It's weak and frankly if she would have let you hook up, you would have done it so don't play the "I respect you" card and think it will buy you points. What you would be effectually saying is you wanted to get her naked, she stopped you so you respect her and apparently must not respect yourself for trying to get her shirt off? If you apologize you are saying you can't control your actions. Frankly you got into it, wanted to go further and she didn't. Nothing wrong with that. Own it instead of back peddling and looking weak. She prob had a good time on the date, buzz wearing off and she wasn't ready when you were, probably turned her off a bit. Probably unsure of her interest. As long as she still sees you and agrees to go out, you have time to determine her actual interest and see where it goes. If she flakes or becomes difficult to meet up with, you know it's low interest. Either way, apologize and tell her you "respect her...", I think it will be no interest sooner rather than later. 1
Gretchen12 Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 Tell her: "I would have wanted your shirt off even if I wasn't drunk". Ok I'm kidding. Don't say anything. She goes by your actions not your words. Just be attentive, kind and caring. Go out and have a good time. A lot of people happily married with kids had wanted their shirts off early on. Physical attraction and sincerity are not mutually exclusive. She's not ready, so don't go to the bedroom. Behave!
Juha Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 She sounds flaky. What did she think you were doing when you invited her into your room? To look at your stamp collection? By the 3rd date you should be advancing this. If she isn't back to her old self next time you see her you need to move on. Otherwise, you could very well appear to be needy which is the death kneel of attraction. Maybe don't be so eager to see her. LIE about being busy but you then suggest a time and see what she says. I suspect you are being tested and failed this one. You need to be more of a challenge. Its a stupid game but it beats being confused wondering why she cooled. She like women crave the chase. I would agree she is giving mixed signals. If a woman is invited to a man's house to cook dinner ans she accepts then that means she is comfortable being alone with him. I am sorry but if she went along being physical, then stopped/slowed things down and you respected her and did stop yet she has issues with what went on and is now being flaky then I would say it sounds like she has rules she follows and may be rigid. I would give her some space and invite her out on a date, see how she acts towards you, that's if she accepts your invite. If she is still being distant and cold don't bother with her anymore. Not worth the trouble.
TheJessieSix Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 My hunch as a woman: She could have some past issues around intimacy (maybe past abuse) that mean getting intimate is really difficult for her, and she just wasn’t ready (but also doesn’t know you well enough to tell you that) Or some other reason she didn’t wanna progress the intimacy. Maybe she’s self conscious about her body (weight, scars, whatever) it has an embarrassing health issue that will affect sex (vaginismus, pelvic pain, etc) or she’s simply on her period. So she didn’t feel she could go further, but again, doesn’t know you well enough yet to say that. Either way. It could just as easily be about her and not about how she feels about you. Lay off the messaging a bit. Go for the date coming up, relax, enjoy it. See if she suggests any type of date coming up that would get you both alone. It’s early days. I’ve had many occasions where it’s taken a few dates to realise I don’t really like a guy enough to date him. Don’t put too much stock into her. Make sure you’re still dating or open to dating others at this stage.
Author Brink007 Posted July 29, 2018 Author Posted July 29, 2018 My hunch as a woman: She could have some past issues around intimacy (maybe past abuse) that mean getting intimate is really difficult for her, and she just wasn’t ready (but also doesn’t know you well enough to tell you that) Or some other reason she didn’t wanna progress the intimacy. Maybe she’s self conscious about her body (weight, scars, whatever) it has an embarrassing health issue that will affect sex (vaginismus, pelvic pain, etc) or she’s simply on her period. So she didn’t feel she could go further, but again, doesn’t know you well enough yet to say that. Either way. It could just as easily be about her and not about how she feels about you. Lay off the messaging a bit. Go for the date coming up, relax, enjoy it. See if she suggests any type of date coming up that would get you both alone. It’s early days. I’ve had many occasions where it’s taken a few dates to realise I don’t really like a guy enough to date him. Don’t put too much stock into her. Make sure you’re still dating or open to dating others at this stage. You hit the nail on the head.. She did have a semi abusive relationship very recently. I should have thought about that before initiating the hard making out.. It just seemed natural to me based on past girls I've dated that felt comfortable enough to cook me dinner at my house. She did text me first on Friday and asked how my Friday was and we texted a decent amount that night and it ended with her telling me goodnight. The next day (yesterday) she did cancel the lunch date because she claimed she "didn't get much sleep the night before" and said she needed take a rain check.. I told her it was no problem at all and figure I would never hear from her again (made peace with it in my head). 4 hours later she texted me and seemed a little flirty again.. we only exchanged a few texts and then didn't talk the rest of the night. I kind of ended the conversation. I didn't want to seem too eager especially after she canceled on me. I'm thinking she is either A) Trying to phase out talking to me slowly B) Still has interest (because we did have some great times) but not sure if I will try to push it on the next date and feels a little uneasy about making plans. If it is B, I'm really not sure how to proceed since she canceled the last date. Should I just straight up tell her it was moving too fast for me too and I usually like to take things a lot slower with girls, but kinda got caught up in the moment?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 If it is B, I'm really not sure how to proceed since she canceled the last date. Should I just straight up tell her it was moving too fast for me too and I usually like to take things a lot slower with girls, but kinda got caught up in the moment? OP, as it stands, you have no clue if that's actually what's caused her to pull back and pump the breaks a bit. It could just be that she too got caught up in the moment and then decided she wasn't quite ready, but isn't really making a big deal of it. If she hasn't mentioned that specifically, I don't think you need to either at this point.
Author Brink007 Posted July 29, 2018 Author Posted July 29, 2018 OP, as it stands, you have no clue if that's actually what's caused her to pull back and pump the breaks a bit. It could just be that she too got caught up in the moment and then decided she wasn't quite ready, but isn't really making a big deal of it. If she hasn't mentioned that specifically, I don't think you need to either at this point. True, but idk what I have to lose by assuming that. It’s definitely different between us now. It’s the only logical reason to me. She liked me a lot telling me she’s “happy to cook me dinner any night” and “you’ll eventually meet my friend Sarah”... just dropping subtle hints about the future. I guess I could just ask her out again but she canceled on me already so it seems weird doing that again without additional context. Maybe I’ll just tell her it was too fast for me and I’d like to see her again but only if we can slow things down. Not even bring up that I’m assuming it was too fast for her I can’t just keep going wondering what might happen. I could be meeting other girls. Thanks for all the advice btw. It’s very much appreciated
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 True, but idk what I have to lose by assuming that. It’s definitely different between us now. It’s the only logical reason to me. She liked me a lot telling me she’s “happy to cook me dinner any night” and “you’ll eventually meet my friend Sarah”... just dropping subtle hints about the future. I guess I could just ask her out again but she canceled on me already so it seems weird doing that again without additional context. Maybe I’ll just tell her it was too fast for me and I’d like to see her again but only if we can slow things down. Not even bring up that I’m assuming it was too fast for her I can’t just keep going wondering what might happen. I could be meeting other girls. Thanks for all the advice btw. It’s very much appreciated She is going to know that's not really true, given your actions the other night. Saying that now is going to look a tad insincere. If you really want to clarify things, why not just ask her how she felt about the other night? Instead of assuming that you know what she's thinking, ask her.
FMW Posted July 29, 2018 Posted July 29, 2018 From what you describe I don't see where you did anything wrong, it sounds like she was into the physical interaction - until she wasn't. Who knows what issues she may have. If you are interested in seeing her again just follow her lead. She canceled the lunch, so the ball is in her court to suggest getting together next. In the meantime don't get too invested in the outcome and meet other women as the opportunity and interest arises.
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