smackie9 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 You can totally skip the coffee date and do face time instead. Me being old, and been out of the dating game for a long time, I still think about what I would do if I was dating again.... I would be more down with face time than a coffee date. I am already using face time with friends and family anyways, so it would be something I'm used to.
Romantic_Antics Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I only had about 3 weeks of experience on Match; looking back, I would strongly prefer to meet after a few text exchanges. So let’s say the woman you meet online has my preference, and would suggest meeting up when you try to initiate a phone call, how would you respond? I would call anyways, provided the flirty and fun texts I would've been sending were reciprocated. She would be caught off guard, but she'd still answer her phone, and I'd use that to make a playful/fun introduction of some kind, perhaps jokingly telling her that it was pretty forward of her to be asking me out when she barely knew me, telling her that I called her just to make sure she wasn't a man, etc. It would be something to break the ice, make her laugh, and then get to know her better in the phone call to establish some baseline chemistry for a better first date. That call is my veritable "coffee date"; it's the rehearsal date before the actual date. As my girlfriend would tell you, I'm a great conversationalist, so in this hypothetical scenario we'd have a good conversation in a mutually comfortable, zero pressure environment (our individual residences), build some initial chemistry and rapport, and then go out somewhere. Just not for coffee, because I've now gotten to know her a little bit, she's gotten to know me a little bit, and the spark is there so we'd go do something more fun. I didn't always get numbers, but I always got a conversation when I did and I always got a date from the conversation. I'm very sure of myself and am one of the lucky ones who's blessed with being a good conversationalist - and good conversation is where the magic happens. 2
Romantic_Antics Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 (edited) You don't get to truly know someone through texting and phone conversations. You do so by meeting them, face to face. I feel it shows more of an investment if you're asking them out on a date quickly. Versus bantering via text for two weeks. I think you misunderstood me. I didn't text for weeks before making a date. I'd call within a day of getting a woman's number and set up a date on the phone. An initial conversational is a great way to build up some initial rapport and chemistry to pave the way for a more successful first date. That initial call *was* the first date, for me. It always worked. I can't recall a single time I didn't get a date after that initial call. Edited July 27, 2018 by Romantic_Antics 1
JuneL Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Okay, I guess the first phone call is where you really shine. For me, I’m not good st talking on the phone to almost strangers (texting is fine though), but I look younger and cuter and as slim in person compared to my pics, so I can’t wait to give him a pleasant surprise I would call anyways, provided the flirty and fun texts I would've been sending were reciprocated. She would be caught off guard, but she'd still answer her phone, and I'd use that to make a playful/fun introduction of some kind, perhaps jokingly telling her that it was pretty forward of her to be asking me out when she barely knew me, telling her that I called her just to make sure she wasn't a man, etc. It would be something to break the ice, make her laugh, and then get to know her better in the phone call to establish some baseline chemistry for a better first date. That call is my veritable "coffee date"; it's the rehearsal date before the actual date. As my girlfriend would tell you, I'm a great conversationalist, so in this hypothetical scenario we'd have a good conversation in a mutually comfortable, zero pressure environment (our individual residences), build some initial chemistry and rapport, and then go out somewhere. Just not for coffee, because I've now gotten to know her a little bit, she's gotten to know me a little bit, and the spark is there so we'd go do something more fun. I didn't always get numbers, but I always got a conversation when I did and I always got a date from the conversation. I'm very sure of myself and am one of the lucky ones who's blessed with being a good conversationalist - and good conversation is where the magic happens. 2
Romantic_Antics Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Okay, I guess the first phone call is where you really shine. For me, I’m not good st talking on the phone to almost strangers (texting is fine though), but I look younger and cuter and as slim in person compared to my pics, so I can’t wait to give him a pleasant surprise Hey now. I also shine on the date, all future calls and dates, and in the ensuing relationship. I'm terrible at breaking up though, but fortunately my girlfriend is the love of my life, my soul mate, my future wife, and someone I've spent my whole life looking for so there won't be one. 3
Veronica73 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 (edited) I used to offer up dinner on the first date. But, I met one woman for dinner and that was an incredibly awkward hour and a half, for both of us. She was very quiet and reserved and I did my best to keep conversation flowing in various ways. But, there would be awkward pauses and she looked down at the table about a dozen times and said "So.. " as she fidgeted. If we had been out for coffee, the date would have lasted all of a twenty minutes.. I never did figure out where the train went off the rail there but I never asked a woman out to dinner in a first date ever again. So that’s why you never called! Just kidding. But there are a whole lot of other options, even free ones, for a first date rather than coffee or a whole dinner. And they don’t all involve sitting across the table from someone you barely know. Just off the top of my head, I’d rather walk around at the farmer’s market, go to the zoo or a museum, or walk around a local festival or event than sit and have coffee for a first date. Hell, meet in a park at sunset and bring some wine and cheese and crackers. Get ice cream cones and walk around a bit. Make a fire and have s’mores. Play mini golf. Listen to some music. I don’t know. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. But obviously, this is just me and obviously plenty of other people like coffee first dates, but I think they blow and I dread them. I only do them because I think of them as the crap you have to do when you are trying to find someone. Edited July 27, 2018 by Veronica73
brigit87 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 You can totally skip the coffee date and do face time instead. Me being old, and been out of the dating game for a long time, I still think about what I would do if I was dating again.... I would be more down with face time than a coffee date. I am already using face time with friends and family anyways, so it would be something I'm used to. Problem solved: OP, next time you meet a girl online ask her to do FaceTime and during the conversation you can drink coffee. 1
coolheadal Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I wouldn't have told her where you were taking her to see if she was only after you than what you had to offer. Or was she really into you 100%. She had too many guys ask her out so you were just one out of so many. So she did what she could do to ease out of your so call first date. She's only after what she can get, not what you want which was to get to know her better. So don't worry about it she's gone!
brigit87 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 She's only after what she can get, not what you want which was to get to know her better. So don't worry about it she's gone! IDK this sounds a bit dramatic. I mean, what is she going to get, some food? I'm assuming he isn't dating a homeless woman. If that was the case then yeah food would be a big motivator.
Normm Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Back when I did online dating I quickly realized it was not time or cost effective to make the first meetup a dinner date. Too many disappointments, too much deception, too few that "clicked". Nothing worse than realizing you're stuck with a person you know you never want to see again and even worse spending money on them. If I was in the situation on this thread I'd probably say something like "let's schedule a meetup at a local restaurant with a bar, have a drink and then if we seem to be hitting it off we can take it into the dining room". Or- tell her "sure I'll take you to dinner for the first date" but be prepared to bail if she's not as advertised.
Juha Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I will add a little as I just gave short answer... I have done facetime quickly a few times to talk and see each other to see if going out is actually something we are feeling. When I say coffee date that is my way of saying something short not really sitting and having a coffee. Have got coffee and gone for an enjoyable walk and talk in the park, have gone for a cocktail and apps. Have gone for an ice cream and hangout... Sometimes if things are good we actually go and do something after meeting up and liking each other. I always have a plan in mind for where we will be and being able to transition it to a full date right then and there if they are open to it... Almost always when the quick meet has transitioned to a full date it was a great time and the woman loved that it was spur of the moment. I do not volunteer that I had a couple of plans made in my mind if things were going well.... If a lady that you have met online is not into a quick meet to see if you two are interested in each other and want you to take her out for a full date and spend lots of money without even knowing if you are interested in each other I would suggest a pass on them. They are many times very full of themselves and want to see how much a guy will spend on them and judge you by your wallet not how well you get along... Those are the women you do not want to bother with... Good luck!
Shining One Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 OP, you dodged a bullet with this one. I wish many of the women I dated had been this transparent. 1
coolheadal Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 IDK this sounds a bit dramatic. I mean, what is she going to get, some food? I'm assuming he isn't dating a homeless woman. If that was the case then yeah food would be a big motivator. You have women who only want to go out for dinner only and nothing else. What do you as the man get out of that? The bill and nothing? Each week you take them out and all you end up with is the bill. This girl what's what she wants. If you want more your out of luck.
brigit87 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 You have women who only want to go out for dinner only and nothing else. What do you as the man get out of that? The bill and nothing? Each week you take them out and all you end up with is the bill. This girl what's what she wants. If you want more your out of luck. I get that. It must be frustrating. I hated dating.
Gretchen12 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 My choice would be to meet for a walk in the park or on the beach. Assume you wouldn't match unless there are common interests, so doing an activity is another idea (museum, bike ride, special events). I like doing something that I would have enjoyed doing by myself anyway, so time is not wasted. But some men are foodies - they want to eat, and they want to eat well! For me, if the guy buys me an ice cream cone that's pretty special Anyway, I'm reluctant to criticize people and it's not necessary. You just didn't match with this woman. Keep it positive! 3
anduina Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 My choice would be to meet for a walk in the park or on the beach. Assume you wouldn't match unless there are common interests, so doing an activity is another idea (museum, bike ride, special events). I like doing something that I would have enjoyed doing by myself anyway, so time is not wasted. But some men are foodies - they want to eat, and they want to eat well! For me, if the guy buys me an ice cream cone that's pretty special Anyway, I'm reluctant to criticize people and it's not necessary. You just didn't match with this woman. Keep it positive!Afternoon walking dates are the best since they can lead to longer dates if you're hitting it off. My first date with my fiance was a date at the zoo. We had a great time, then went for dinner since we didn't want to be parted. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Too rigid (she was) IMO. Basically she expects dinner, but won't give you her phone number? Double standard. If she wants to see more of an indication of how serious you are with the dinner, she has to be flexible enough to meet show she is meeting you halfway by sharing her phone number. Otherwise she really just sounds like she is bitter and has been burned a lot--and usually there's a reason for that (i.e. she wasn't worth it or too difficult to deal with, after all being burned a lot says that SHE is the common denominator). I wouldn't sweat it. You dodged a bullet. I actually don't think coffee dates are good to do either (for different reasons i would guess), but it's important that she be ok with something lower maintenance for a first date as that's how a lot of people would want to do a first date. Good luck on the next one.
Author Phase_shift22 Posted July 27, 2018 Author Posted July 27, 2018 Thank you all for your replies. I had a feeling that this person wasn't serious, but the negative and belittling response she replied with gave me pause to ask if I had handled the situation correctly (most other breakoffs with women have been far more ammicable) To give a little bit more detail, after she said she expected dinner, I messaged her back telling her that I was actually trying to do her a favor by not wasting her time since she said she could tell if we would have chemistry within 5 minutes. She then replied that "she's old fashioned and likes to be perused." I didn't reply, and after a few hours she blocked me. Normally, I actually do dinner for the first date, but I will say that I have been burned a couple times by girls who just seem to be looking for a free dinner (the most extreme example being a girl who didn't offer to split the check and then after I paid she said she had "somewhere to be.") As for this current girl from my OP, she didn't ask any questions about me and when I asked her questions, she didn't give answers that were all in depth. so it isn't inaccurate to say that to a certian degree I was testing her since the vibe I got seemed to indicate she wasn't all that interested in me. I will say that some of the suggestions such as a museum or festival visit are intreging...if I find myself in this situation, I'll remember them for the future. As for facetime- how does that work for first impressions? I feel as though video chat is like another form of texting where certian things can get lost in translation, only in this case, you aren't able to have any anticipation or "mystery" in the first date. Any further tips in trying to identify girls who are just looking for a good time? Honestly, in this case, it seemed rather easy to tell what she was given that she said she could "tell chemistry within the first 5 minutes" but then was offended when I didn't offer her dinner. My general rule of thumb is one where they should want to talk to you as a friend, but for a lot longer than you would talk to a friend of the same gender. Throwing in a few flirtatious compliments about their appearance or personality, when setup correctly, and then seeing if they reciprocate is also also another method I have used.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Afternoon walking dates are the best since they can lead to longer dates if you're hitting it off. My first date with my fiance was a date at the zoo. We had a great time, then went for dinner since we didn't want to be parted. If someone asked me for an afternoon walking date in the middle of the summer I would immediately know we weren't a match . (I hate the heat)
OatsAndHall Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 So that’s why you never called! Just kidding. But there are a whole lot of other options, even free ones, for a first date rather than coffee or a whole dinner. And they don’t all involve sitting across the table from someone you barely know. Just off the top of my head, I’d rather walk around at the farmer’s market, go to the zoo or a museum, or walk around a local festival or event than sit and have coffee for a first date. Hell, meet in a park at sunset and bring some wine and cheese and crackers. Get ice cream cones and walk around a bit. Make a fire and have s’mores. Play mini golf. Listen to some music. I don’t know. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. But obviously, this is just me and obviously plenty of other people like coffee first dates, but I think they blow and I dread them. I only do them because I think of them as the crap you have to do when you are trying to find someone. The farmer's market, zoo, museum, mini-golf, and festival/social event are all solid ideas. However, I don't know many women who'd agree to the others as they aren't considered a "public place". This is assuming that I'm out with someone that doesn't know me well (i.e. a cold call or OLD). If I've interacted with someone for awhile and she agrees to a date, there seems to be more options. My last girlfriend and I went fishing on our first date. We were at one of my favorite spots, out in the middle of nowhere (you have to drive on two miles of dirt roads to get back to this place) and we had a blast. But, we had talked quite a bit and she was comfortable going there with me. I try to plan coffee dates in the late afternoon/early evening. That way, if things are going well, we can parlay that into dinner or something else that night. If things don't go well, it's easy for either party to tap out. In fact, on one particularly bad date, the gal looked at me and said, "this really isn't working for either of us, is it?" I just laughed and said "No, I don't think it is." We got up, she gave me a hug and we went our separate ways.
anduina Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 If someone asked me for an afternoon walking date in the middle of the summer I would immediately know we weren't a match . (I hate the heat)Then it works since you want someone who shares your preferred forms of entertainment!
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Then it works since you want someone who shares your preferred forms of entertainment! True!
coolheadal Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I get that. It must be frustrating. I hated dating. Well when I was dating that's what I had encountered. I had ask her could I come up or wouldn't it be nice if I cooked dinner. She said no she wanted to dine out always. That was costing me a lot of $$$. In the end I drop her because I didn't see anything coming out of this just cost and nothing else. High price woman for lost end results. Odd woman also but that was a lesson learn.
TheFinalWord Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Was it the right play to just ask her to coffee? Or was she right that I needed to ask her to dinner? Thanks. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. For online dating, there's nothing wrong with coffee or drinks for a first meet-up. If it's a nice day, I'll usually do ice cream. Something simple. Heck, if we've never met, I usually ask if we can go dutch for the initial meet-up. You've never met and why should you be expected to shell out $50 for dinner on a girl that may not like you or want a second date. If she wants to go out again, you can make it a more traditional date. Or you can extend the date by asking if she wants to get dinner. But I normally don't.
mortensorchid Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 You did the right thing by throwing this one back, she's a gold digger. If I agree to meet up with a man, I let him choose what he wants to do (drinks, coffee, dinner). What we end up eating (if anything), that's his decision. I don't push because I just don't.
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