Phase_shift22 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 So I got matched to a girl on one of the phone apps. After the introductions, I chatted her up a bit to try to get to know her a bit better (we had quite a few common interests) as well as some basic flirting. We talked a bit about what we were looking for in a relationship, etc. One thing she mentioned was pretty important to her was chemistry and also stated that "she could tell if she had chemistry with a person after only 5 minutes of meeting them" (more on this later). After a few days, it seemed like we had enough of a connection that I wanted to get to know her better, so I asked for her number (this particular app only keeps a chat room open for matched people for 7 days), to which she replied that she doesn't give out her number until after the first date, if that goes well, and that she had to be careful as a single woman. I'll admit this was a bit of a buzzkill for me, since I like to text a girl a bit before asking her out on a date (to build chemistry, connection, etc). Also, it seems a bit odd nowadays with smartphones having pretty good number blocking as well as using things liker BurnerPhone. But whatever. I said that was OK. After talking a bit more (another couple days) I then asked if she'd be interested in meeting up, which she said yes to. I decided to just ask her out to coffee after work and see how things go from there- if it went well, we could go out to eat, but if not, no worries. I thought that was a good idea, since, from her perspective, she seemed a bit skiddish about dating (not wanting to give out her number, not really talking much about her life) as well as her previous statement about being able to tell if there's chemistry within the first 5 mintues (coffee vs dinner would save her time). She initially agreed and said she'd check her schedule for Friday that week, which was fine. She then went quiet on texting for the next two days until the day before when I asked her if we were still on for the date (by this time it was tomorrow) and she replied that "she has been matched with plenty of guys on here who are willing to take her out for dinner rather than just coffee, and to her this shows their seriousness as well as their willingness to take a risk on her." Needless to say after that, we didn't talk and we never went out. Was it the right play to just ask her to coffee? Or was she right that I needed to ask her to dinner? Thanks.
basil67 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 You did exactly the right thing. She's too high maintenance. 5
PegNosePete Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I asked for her number (this particular app only keeps a chat room open for matched people for 7 days), to which she replied that she doesn't give out her number until after the first date It's a valid concern. My partner didn't give her number until after we'd met in person, either. Not everyone is good with technology. "she has been matched with plenty of guys on here who are willing to take her out for dinner rather than just coffee, and to her this shows their seriousness as well as their willingness to take a risk on her." Well despite what she says, this shows what she's really looking for: a free dinner. I would have responded that I thought she was looking to meet someone who is a good match and who has good chemistry, not a big fat wallet, and then blocked her. NEXT. 1
FMW Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 You handled it just fine. I agree with basil67. Too high maintenance. 2
act00 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Coffee or drinks is the way to go. That way you don't get locked into a dinner with someone you don't really like. If things go well, you can always extend the date. 1
Juha Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Sounds like you were lucky she showed her true colors very early. She does not sound like a good woman to date, looking for the best deal she can get and for a lot of money to be spent on her. Meeting out for a quick coffee/drink is the best route to go to see if the two of you have interest in each other to go on a regular date. Last thing you would want is to spend your precious time and money on someone you are not interested in.. That is why meeting for a quick 30-60 minutes is perfect to not waste either of your time... Keep doing what you are with the quick meet for a coffee and you will meet a woman with much more integrity than that one I wish you luck 2
d0nnivain Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Yup, she was looking for a free dinner. If she won't give you her phone # why on earth would you be obligated to fork over all that money for dinner. Sheesh. I will suggest to you that asking to meet sooner rather than later is the way to go. You said your preference is to text / talk on the phone some to build rapport. One of each is fine but IMO you can't build a rapport through a device. That can only be done face to face so stop thinking you are growing a relationship or developing a connection through text. 1
Gretchen12 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 You're both right. Nothing wrong with a coffee date. But I gotta say the best guy I've met online is the one that wanted to take me to a nice restaurant (he made a reservation) on the first date. This was just one guy but my take was he did that because he: is not meeting many women, was confident that we'll like each other, is not afraid of being taken advantage of, was new at OLD so he's not yet negative, wanted to spend more time with me. The one I met with for coffee had mentioned he's on 4 different dating sites. Coffee guy ghosted out quickly since he had minimal investment (I paid for my own coffee). The dinner guy focused on me and we're still together. We're both well off enough that spending $100 on a nice dinner once a week is not regarded as a huge deal (we match there). If I was doing OLD again, I'd still have no problem going for coffee on a first date though. It's fine. Maybe with this woman there just wasn't enough of a connection for her to continue. And women get a lot of attention online, she just wants to focuse on a few men. 2
Romantic_Antics Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 (edited) I've always thought coffee was a boring and generic date idea. Everybody recommends it, too, which makes it a stale and unoriginal date idea as well. My process for OLD dates always followed the same pattern: make contact -> flirt -> get number -> flirt in texts -> call -> build chemistry and rapport -> invite to dinner (typically a restaurant we both agreed on and/or that served her favorite food). It always made for a great date and almost always lead to more dates. With that said, this gal was unwilling to give you her number and therefore your coffee suggestion wasn't a bad one, per se. If it had been me I wouldn't have even asked her out. No number, no date. Edited July 27, 2018 by Romantic_Antics
Veronica73 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I don’t think you did anything wrong. She sounds terrible and entitled. Why should you take a risk on someone you don’t even know? But good god I hate coffee dates. I mean, I like getting coffee with friends to catch up. But coffee dates as a first date are too much like job interviews. As far as I’m concerned, coffee first dates are one of the reasons trying to find somebody is such a slog. At least pick something interesting or fun to do. And by that I don’t mean you have to spend a bunch of money on her. At least then, even if you guys aren’t a match, you still had a fun or interesting time. Instead of having to sit there drinking coffee while everyone around you can listen in, and then even if you did hit it off, you both have bad breath. 2
brigit87 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 She then went quiet on texting for the next two days until the day before when I asked her if we were still on for the date (by this time it was tomorrow) and she replied that "she has been matched with plenty of guys on here who are willing to take her out for dinner rather than just coffee, and to her this shows their seriousness as well as their willingness to take a risk on her." Needless to say after that, we didn't talk and we never went out. Was it the right play to just ask her to coffee? Or was she right that I needed to ask her to dinner? Thanks. First off dating sucks. She was right and you were right. She was testing to see if you were really interested in her hence "dinner" and you were testing her to see if she was interested in you or money hence "coffee." I would have backed out of the date like she did but I wouldn't have told you why. Guys have told me that if they really like a girl they'll take her to dinner and if they don't they'll just take her out for drinks, movie or something cheap. So yeah I didn't go on a first date unless dinner was offered. It's a matter of protection. Did I ever go out with a guy just for the night out and free meal? Yeah. I did. Like I said dating sucks.
Rockdad Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I plead modern day dating perplexed except when it comes to my wife (go figure??) Do females actually fish for free meals ?
Gaeta Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Wow, that story made me laugh. I had plenty of dinner invitations as a first date and I declined each and everyone of them. There was NO way I'd find myself stuck through an entire dinner with a man I had never met before!! Before we spend that much time together, and before I have to look at you eat! I want to check you out over coffee. I have never done my dating with in mine *do you value me*, I did my dating with in mind *am I going to like you*. 3
anika99 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Wow, that story made me laugh. I had plenty of dinner invitations as a first date and I declined each and everyone of them. There was NO way I'd find myself stuck through an entire dinner with a man I had never met before!! Before we spend that much time together, and before I have to look at you eat! I want to check you out over coffee. I have never done my dating with in mine *do you value me*, I did my dating with in mind *am I going to like you*. That's what I think too. I don't use OLD so I guess I could be totally wrong but I always thought the first face to face meeting is just supposed to be a meeting, not an actual date. Just a short get together to see if their is some chemistry or mutual attraction. It would suck to have to spend a whole evening with someone that is nothing like you expected and that your not the least bit attracted to, especially if you have to pay for it. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 At bottom, it just shows a fundamental incompatibility between you two. best to figure that out before wasting time & money. Neither is per se right or wrong.
glows Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Nutjob. Definitely not worth the time. I don't think she's high maintenance. I think she's got a serious problem and issues. In nearly every instance she made you feel small at your expense and she was NOT open to any genuine connection. These are the people that give dating online a bad name. If you ask me she either has daddy issues, abandonment issues, has been cheated on before or was dropped on the head severely as a child.
smackie9 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 She's being a total cow. IMO it wasn't the coffee date, she just wasn't that interested. What she said to you was totally rude....you dodged a bullet. 1
Gaeta Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 she replied that "she has been matched with plenty of guys on here who are willing to take her out for dinner rather than just coffee, and to her this shows their seriousness as well as their willingness to take a risk on her." If she is nothing like her pictures or if she has a bad attitude, they will drop her like hot potato. She's in for a big surprise.
OatsAndHall Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 I agree with what everyone else has posted but I'll add to it a little bit. When I meet a woman via OLD, I ask them out for coffee within the first one-two conversations. I use the app to make initial contact with them and ask them out; not to get to know them. That's what the first date is for. You don't get a feel for someone via text and there's just way too much that can be misconstrued. So, in the future, I suggest asking for a date straight off of the bat and save yourself a potential hassle. If a woman says that she'd like to text longer to "get to know me", I politely decline and give them a shortened explanation of what I typed above. "I'm sorry but I just don't think you can get to know someone via text; there's no tone and statements can be read into the wrong way. Take care and good luck." The majority of the time, you don't hear back from them. But, there have been times when a woman understands where I'm coming from and sends a text back, agreeing to a date. You'll save yourself a lot of time and energy if you approach it in this manner. You'll BOTH be able to tell if it's a good match within the first half-hour of a coffee date. You won't if you spend two weeks texting and talking over the phone. 1
Veronica73 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Yeah, I agree with the whole “don’t waste a lot of time with the whole texting and phone calls” thing (but that’s just me and I’m old.) And I sit at a computer all day for work, so I don’t have a whole lot of patience for all the texting and phone conversations if you both live in the same area. (And to be honest, I very rarely have phone conversations with anyone anymore. It’s kind of sad.) It’s time invested either way and I’d rather spend it face to face right off the bat. But I still think coffee first dates are the worst and I have dreaded every single one I have ever had.
kendahke Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 It was completely right for you to ask her out for coffee. Let that gold digger to be with all those other dates who want to waste +$80 on dinner/drinks with a stranger. It's not your obligation to feed her on a first meeting. Coffee is completely reasonable and she's going to find out eventually that her policy is going to get her exactly what she doesn't want--a guy who's buying her interest instead of being organically interested.
OatsAndHall Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Yeah, I agree with the whole “don’t waste a lot of time with the whole texting and phone calls” thing (but that’s just me and I’m old.) And I sit at a computer all day for work, so I don’t have a whole lot of patience for all the texting and phone conversations if you both live in the same area. (And to be honest, I very rarely have phone conversations with anyone anymore. It’s kind of sad.) It’s time invested either way and I’d rather spend it face to face right off the bat. But I still think coffee first dates are the worst and I have dreaded every single one I have ever had. I used to offer up dinner on the first date. But, I met one woman for dinner and that was an incredibly awkward hour and a half, for both of us. She was very quiet and reserved and I did my best to keep conversation flowing in various ways. But, there would be awkward pauses and she looked down at the table about a dozen times and said "So.. " as she fidgeted. If we had been out for coffee, the date would have lasted all of a twenty minutes.. I never did figure out where the train went off the rail there but I never asked a woman out to dinner in a first date ever again. 1
Romantic_Antics Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 You'll save yourself a lot of time and energy if you approach it in this manner. You'll BOTH be able to tell if it's a good match within the first half-hour of a coffee date. If you're looking to save yourself time and energy then you aren't genuinely interested in getting to know your date. I've never had sparks flying over something that I use to wake up in the morning (coffee). Might as well ask her out for a bowl of cereal. Coffee dates just didn't work for me when I was single. I always found them to be woefully unromantic cookie cutter dates that felt more like a job interview than a date, like Veronica said. I would get to know the woman and build up the chemistry and rapport with a phone call, then ask her out to dinner. Dates like that are more meaningful, more intimate, more romantic, more fun, show a higher level of interest, and ultimately make a better first impression. That's what worked for me, but to each their own. I mean no disrespect to the folks who think coffee dates are the way to go.
JuneL Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 If you're looking to save yourself time and energy then you aren't genuinely interested in getting to know your date. I've never had sparks flying over something that I use to wake up in the morning (coffee). Might as well ask her out for a bowl of cereal. Coffee dates just didn't work for me when I was single. I always found them to be woefully unromantic cookie cutter dates that felt more like a job interview than a date, like Veronica said. I would get to know the woman and build up the chemistry and rapport with a phone call, then ask her out to dinner. Dates like that are more meaningful, more intimate, more romantic, more fun, show a higher level of interest, and ultimately make a better first impression. That's what worked for me, but to each their own. I mean no disrespect to the folks who think coffee dates are the way to go. I only had about 3 weeks of experience on Match; looking back, I would strongly prefer to meet after a few text exchanges. So let’s say the woman you meet online has my preference, and would suggest meeting up when you try to initiate a phone call, how would you respond?
OatsAndHall Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 If you're looking to save yourself time and energy then you aren't genuinely interested in getting to know your date. I've never had sparks flying over something that I use to wake up in the morning (coffee). Might as well ask her out for a bowl of cereal. Coffee dates just didn't work for me when I was single. I always found them to be woefully unromantic cookie cutter dates that felt more like a job interview than a date, like Veronica said. I would get to know the woman and build up the chemistry and rapport with a phone call, then ask her out to dinner. Dates like that are more meaningful, more intimate, more romantic, more fun, show a higher level of interest, and ultimately make a better first impression. That's what worked for me, but to each their own. I mean no disrespect to the folks who think coffee dates are the way to go. You don't get to truly know someone through texting and phone conversations. You do so by meeting them, face to face. I feel it shows more of an investment if you're asking them out on a date quickly. Versus bantering via text for two weeks. Relationships were developed by meeting face to face long before technology made things more "convenient". And, most women my age (Gen Xers) prefer meeting face to face straight as we find text messaging to be a nuisance most of the time. I would much rather sit down with a woman for a bit straight off of the bat than stare at my phone for an entire evening. And, I certainly don't care to do that on multiple occasions. 1
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