freesoul Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 I have been in a long distance relationship for 18 months with a man from another country 10 000 miles away. He has been to my Country once for 3 weeks, and I have been to his country 4 times: 1 st time = 2 weeks, 2nd time = 5 weeks, 3rd time = 2 weeks, 4th time = 2 weeks. We talk every day, or via IM. He has now given me a choice, by 1st October, I either go to live with him and marry him or he walks away. If I am not in his Country by 1st October, it's over. Is this fair, control or does this happen. I wanted to go there a few weeks ago, at my own expense and he said, no, I don't want you visiting, I wannt you here permanent. He said he is tired of living life with me over the internet. I have 2 kids, aged 22 and 24 and to just walk away from them, is hard. He has a 15 year old son staying with him, who has not spoken to him in about 5 months. When I am there, this son ignores me for days on end. He is manipulative and spoilt and has some huge personality / psychological problems. Sleeps all day, stays up on internet all night and has not gone to school in over a year.
bluechocolate Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 If you don't meet his demands then it sounds like it is doomed. Too bad you didn't get in there first - try the same thing on him, only bring the date forward. Is this fair, .....? Yes, why not? But I would have thought this was something that had been on the rardar for a while & not something to be demanded at short notice.
Cupcake Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 Why do you visit him more than he visits you? Why do you have to move to his country instead of him moving to your country, or perhaps you both relocate to an entirely new place together?
Author freesoul Posted September 3, 2005 Author Posted September 3, 2005 He definately will not relocate, because he can only speak the language from his Country. His english is not good and he owns a house and has a secure job, he is 50. When he came to my Country, the culture was totally different although he had a good time. we have become best friends, so it is so hard. I would have to give up my whole life and culture as I know it for a totally different language and culture. I would do this, but I need time to adapt slowly, LOL
Jtizzle Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 Why do you visit him more than he visits you? Why do you have to move to his country instead of him moving to your country, or perhaps you both relocate to an entirely new place together? i was thinking the same thing...why do you visit him more and he's only come out there once? who pays for the trips for you to go out there? is it fair that he's putting you in this position? NO, MARRIAGE shouldnt be forced upon noone no matter the stipulations and whanot. Love should happen naturally.. why can he not move to your country? and why would you want to just up and leave everything you know and love for someone who doesnt consider your feelings in this matter? who is he to say be here by the first or im gone? really who is he. If you dont get along with his son that could be a problem in itself. you should do what he's doing and make sum demands yourself from him.
Author freesoul Posted September 3, 2005 Author Posted September 3, 2005 I agree 100%. He is desperate for a mother for his son, he told me. He has not spoken to his son for 5 months, and they live in the same house. I wanted more time to go over until I was happy that I could handle things there. I have to learn the language and culture. I guess I needed more time to make up my mind, and the minute he forced me into a time limit, I am the type of person, you pressure me, I back off completely. I had the money to go there, but he paid for two tickets for me, although I told him I could pay myself. Just talking on here has opened my eyes. Got me really thinking:)
Author freesoul Posted September 3, 2005 Author Posted September 3, 2005 He has just told me on IM, that my son led me to choose us and I must never forget this. My son passed away 5 years ago in my arms at 6 years of age. Long before I met this man. In other words he is trying to tell me, if I do not go.....I will let my son down. That is a freaking thing to say to any mother.
Jtizzle Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 He has just told me on IM, that my son led me to choose us and I must never forget this. My son passed away 5 years ago in my arms at 6 years of age. Long before I met this man. In other words he is trying to tell me, if I do not go.....I will let my son down. That is a freaking thing to say to any mother. how insensitive...or so i see it..he's telling you that if you dont go there your letting down your son? wtf..oh man flee as fast as you can from him..im curious as to how your son as he say led you to choose, "US" as in you and him? if he loved you like he so call claims then he would give you time to adjust and not force you into sumthing your not ready for.. like you said u have to learn a new culture, language,etc...that takes time to learn..you dont just move to a whole new country without knowing anything about the country itself..how selfish is he to give you a ultimatum..if he knows you lost your son and whatnot that would make you closer to your other 2 kids and you wouldnt want to just up and leave them because something could happen and your not there and you already experienced the lost of one child..but for him to just make you leave everything you know and love without you two talking about it and deciding it together should make you rethink this whole relationship..
kgal Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 He sounds manipulative.... any guy who truly loves you will wait and work something out so you are both happy. Listen to your heart on this one!
Author freesoul Posted September 4, 2005 Author Posted September 4, 2005 Through talking on this Forum, I have seen how he is trying to manipulate me as well. Using my son was his big mistake. Thanks for listening and the help
Author freesoul Posted September 7, 2005 Author Posted September 7, 2005 He has now said he is sorry for putting so much pressure on me and that he does not want to ever lose me. He says he has waited all his life for someone like me and does not want to lose me. I am so confused because when I am in Israel, I speak Hebrew well enough to be understood and they are really beautiful people in Israel, friendly, helpful;etc....He has dropped me in the middle of a mall for 2 hours and I managed to shop and make myself understood perfect. That part of it is ok. It's just he wants me to be at home cooking, cleaning, he say's I've worked long adn hard enough in life and he wants to look after me...and let me do things in the home that is not stressful, like gardening, cooking. This could work, but if I get bored, I would have to learn the language 100%, it will take me about 6 months and then I could get a job, if I wanted. I was physically, emotionally, sexually and mentally abused and dominated by my ex for 22 years, so that is why I am treating very slowly with this. I am getting so sick and migraines from all the stress of having to make a decision before Oct :-) He has a way of smooth talking me.....
megabit15 Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 What language are you communicating with him in now??
dgiirl Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 Freesoul, if this was happening to one of your kids, what would you say to them? I'm sorry, but from everything you've written, i see huge warning signs. He gives you an ultimatum on marriage and moving your life to another country? Hello, that's a HUUUUGE step that shouldnt be taken lightly. Then when you stand up for yourself, he puts the charm on, appologizes and tells you he never wants to lose you. How long have you been dating? If this is how he acts when you're NOT there, imagine how he'll act when you are there. You were married for 22 years. You know that in the beginning of every relationship, everyone's on their best behaviour, and slowly do you start to see their flaws. This is HIS best behaviour. I fear things are only going to get worse.
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