Online Dating Ghoster

[lena_b_v]

So I met this great guy on Bumble. We texted back and forth for about two weeks and finally met in person about a month ago. We hit it off and were mutually attracted to each other and had great conversation. We went on 3 dates in a span of two months. He was very shy and kind of sensitive and very unsure of himself but I assured him that I was definitely into him.

 

Also, he was coming out of a 20 year marriage. We would text every day and would take turns initiating texts. About a week ago, I took a vacation to Vegas, and during that time I had to initiate a text every single day. I wasn't sure what was up! He seemed like he was becoming less and less interested.

 

I got irritated with having to initiate every text so I stopped texting him, and he never bothered to text and see what was up. After two days, I finally texted him and I told him that I thought he was a great person but I felt like he just wasn't interested in me anymore because he wasn't initiating texts anymore. He responded back and said that he saw that I updated my pictures on Bumble to include a few from my Vegas trip so he figured I was looking for someone better and it hurt his feelings.

 

I felt so bad so I texted back apologizing but also mentioned that he was still active on Bumble and Tinder as well, so I figured he was doing the same. I told him that I was still into him and would like to continue seeing him. He has not since responded. I really like him and want to contact him again.

 

I feel like I really hurt him, which was the last thing I'd want to do. I'm not a malicious person. Was this just an excuse or is he really hurt? Should I proceed with contacting him again, and what should I say?

Edited July 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs, merge threads and clean up quotes

[CloudyHead]

You tell him that you are really into him then update your photo while on a trip away? You say one thing to him but your actions say another.

[brigit87]

I felt so bad so I texted back apologizing but also mentioned that he was still active on Bumble and Tinder as well, so I figured he was doing the same. I told him that I was still into him and would like to continue seeing him. He has not since responded. I really like him and want to contact him again.

 

You didn't do anything wrong and told him you'd like to continue seeing him. The ball is in his court now. Don't text.

[Gaeta]

The man is coming out of a 20 year marriage, his emotions are raw and he has to go through a couple of years of adjustment before he's even capable of properly dating someone. Before being able to invest himself again he'll go through a couple of 'transition girlfriends'. Are you volunteering to be one of them? Surely you know better than to go after a man coming out of a 20 year marriage.

[brigit87]

You tell him that you are really into him then update your photo while on a trip away? You say one thing to him but your actions say another.

 

I disagree. It's the beginning of the relationship so nobody is tied down. Being able to see each others dating activity isn't healthy but I guess if you use old you have to deal with that stuff.

[lena_b_v]

Actually, he's putting himself out there on Bumble. I didn't go after him. Plus...I asked if he was ready to date before we continued dating...

[Gaeta]

Actually, he's putting himself out there on Bumble. I didn't go after him. Plus...I asked if he was ready to date before we continued dating...

 

 

Please....

 

 

Most people coming out of a marriage or relationship THINK they are ready and they're far from it. It's a phenomenon almost everyone experience. I have been through it more than once and so have you in the past. You need to look out for yourself and have a better judgment then to just believe what people say. People will at times lie to you but also at times they lie to themselves and you have to be able to see through that.

[Miss Spider]

It sounds like he's not ready to date

Edited July 20, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[hippychick3]

3 dates in 2 months?

 

He was using that as an excuse to end whatever “relationship” you had. He’s not that interested. No interested guy allows that much time between dates.

 

Don’t text him again.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 dates in 2 months is an indicator of low interest, OP.

[nospam99]

Three dates in two months is an indicator of low interest. And updating a profile with photos is a HUGE RED FLAG to a serious guy like me that the woman I'm dating is monkey branching. Neither person in this couple is showing commitment. But I'd be curious about the reason for the small number of dates. I'm not curious about new photos in a profile.

[basil67]

Cut him loose.

 

Three dates in two months is very low interest. And then after showing such little interest, he gets butt-hurt because you go on a holiday to Vegas and upload some photos. Surely you can do better.

[Mystyry]

You didn't do anything wrong. For better or worse, this is the nature of online dating. You have to (metaphorically) kiss so many frogs before finding someone even dateable. If you were several dates in and continuing to hit it off, then yes - I would understand getting unnerved by new photos on profile. As is, take it as an indication of what's to come - an insecure, yet unsure of himself man. You don't want that. Just like Gaeta said - he is not ready to date. Don't feel bad but try to move on from him asap. Good luck!

[OatsAndHall]

Please....

 

 

Most people coming out of a marriage or relationship THINK they are ready and they're far from it. It's a phenomenon almost everyone experience. I have been through it more than once and so have you in the past. You need to look out for yourself and have a better judgment then to just believe what people say. People will at times lie to you but also at times they lie to themselves and you have to be able to see through that.

 

 

I agree with you on this one.. I started dating far too quickly after my divorce and I was a friggin' mess. It wasn't fair to the women I was dating as I was only out with them because I was lonely and depressed. It didn't take me long to move past my ex given the circumstances surrounding our divorce. But, it took me awhile to learn how to be alone again.

 

 

OP, I don't think your issue completely revolves around his divorce. It seems like you too didn't communicate very effectively from start to finish. I think you took too long to meet face to face and then only had three dates in a month.. That isn't much if you were as into each other as you've stated. The both of you relied far too much on texting and messaging for communication and it's just a crap form medium to talk to someone. It's far too easy to read into things and there's no tone.

[mortensorchid]

He wasn't that into you to begin with. You went on 3 dates in 2 months? That's not a lot. And what were you both doing in the times between them? And you're both, what in your 40s? This sounds like junior high school when he said he saw that you updated your Bumble photos so he assumed you're still looking for others.

 

Just move on. He has more or less.

[lena_b_v]

Update: He texted few a few days ago saying, "Sorry if I got attached to you too quickly, I didn't mean for that to happen."

 

I texted back saying that he didn't have to apologize for that and I didn't realize he felt that way by his actions. I told him we could start over and forget what happened. No reply once again! I just don't get it! Why say that and then disregard my reply?

[TheFinalWord]

I am sorry this has happened.

 

But you have closure, at least as much as you're going to get. In the world of dating, I always look at actions, above words. He may have used the Bumble pictures as an excuse. Most people never really tell the reason they've lost interest. Think of the times you've lost interest in the past. Do you ever tell the person the actual reason? Or do you sometimes give an excuse to preserve their feelings (e.g. I see us as just friends).

 

Online daters are exceptionally flaky, I have found. He also seems a bit insecure. But be honest, were you using those picture updates to get his attention since he wasn't initiating?

Edited July 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Delete full quote of starting post.

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I wish I could take away all the hurt that people have done to each other in the world. You are not alone, I hurt as well because of things others like this guy have done.

 

But whatever the case may be, move on from this guy. You can't find IT with this guy, but that's not your fault.

[Romantic_Antics]

I can understand being disappointed, but there's not a whole lot of closure to be had from three dates. With that said, this whole thing sounds like a misunderstanding brought on by his own insecurity. He saw that you added some pictures to your dating profile, got jealous, and then beta male'd his way out with a pity party apology blaming himself for getting too attached.

 

Keep looking and you'll find a guy where everything clicks and nonsense is a non-factor.

[Normm]

He's clearly not interested. You were perhaps a diversion or a distraction for him during what is likely a time of emotional turmoil. You were never more than that and you won't ever be. No matter how many threads you start on the subject and no matter how many times you ask about what his intentions may be.

[kendahke]

Your closure is the non responsive response from him. He's done.

 

If he's just out of a 20 year marriage, then he needs to be sorting that out, not trying to distract himself and "attaching too soon". No, he had unexpressed expectations that you didn't mind read off of him. He's got a ways to go before he's ready to date anyone.

 

Keep searching.

[glows]

He's not interested in you. Whatever he portrays himself to be or what his class act is, he's not genuine and his words don't match his actions. That's a major red flag. You got duped. Now move on with your dignity intact and leave this mofo behind.

[William]

Moderation merged a couple of duplicate threads, added paragraphs for easier reading and edited out some quotes and off-topic posts. Please do, as one member did, report duplicate threads to moderation so we can consolidate content for the most comprehensive advice and opinion. Thanks!

[PRW]

So I met this great guy on Bumble. We texted back and forth for about two weeks and finally met in person about a month ago. We hit it off and were mutually attracted to each other and had great conversation. We went on 3 dates in a span of two months. He was very shy and kind of sensitive and very unsure of himself but I assured him that I was definitely into him.

 

Also, he was coming out of a 20 year marriage. We would text every day and would take turns initiating texts. About a week ago, I took a vacation to Vegas, and during that time I had to initiate a text every single day. I wasn't sure what was up! He seemed like he was becoming less and less interested.

 

I got irritated with having to initiate every text so I stopped texting him

We have two insecure people that are "fueling" each other's insecurities. This is why two insecure people can never be in a successful relationship together. At least one has to be secure/confident and will end up being the leader in the situation. But it will be a lot of work because the other's insecurities will "keep them busy" trying to deal with it, and it requires a lot of patients.

 

Some observations (sorry, it's on the negative side):

1. Met on Bumble. On Bumble the women have to "approach". This makes Bumble a magnet for insecure guys who can't approach a woman.

 

2. It took 2 weeks before anyone got the guts to set a date. It should have been after just a couple of messages.

 

3. Unsure of himself and "sensitive". Sensitive? Ugh... What does that mean?,...it sounds, well,...Ugh. Now if you're in a LTR with a man that is deeply in love with you, then yes, they should be sensitive, but uniquely to you,...not in general. When you first meet someone, someone confident and knows what they are doing, they should seem friendly, maybe charming, but at the same time a little distant or maybe playfully mysterious.

 

4. Texting every day. Bad, bad, bad. The phone is for setting dates,...not for visiting or "getting to know" someone.

 

5. You got upset because you were initiating all the texts,...revealing your insecurity and need for daily affirmation that he hasn't lost interest. Him not initiating a bunch of texts is something that he was doing right. You need the time away from each other without constant affirmation (on either side) so that things stay more emotionally balanced and on keel. If the situation has substance then this will cause you both to look forward to seeing each other,...or if the feelings "dim" then there really wasn't anything to start with,...either is "good" and the time away helps that play out properly

 

6. There is a good chance that you are not the only one. Obviously. He is using hookup Apps on his phone,...that is how he met you. You should not expect to be the only one. That would be silly. He should also not be the only one you see,...after all,...you are using hookup Apps on your phone too. You should not narrow down to one person until the situation has proven itself between you and them. You have to allow the other person their freedom while also exercising your own. They are not your "boyfriend",...until they are.

[ThreeRainbows]

Um... It didn't sound like you two were exclusive yet? Did he expect you to be exclusive without having the talk?