LL23 Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 Hi guys, So, about 3 weeks ago my boyfriend of about 4 months decided that we should break up. Let me give you a brief history of this relationship. I met him at work, his friend had set us up. Originally, he was very head over heels in the idea of us getting together. He treated me very respectfully and was very supportive. At the time I was going through a transition period in my life. I worked with terminally ill patients (I am a nurse), and reached a burn out point. As our dating/relationship moved forward a lot of my frustrations with work turned into bickering between me and him. He felt casted aside by me and he felt that I was annoyed with him. We had many good/happy times together and spent nearly every day together, but his frustrations took a turn. He decided we should be friends instead of being together. I was caught off guard as I had just given my resignation to my job to start over fresh. His reasoning was that he felt I was not happy with him. He said the arguing wasn't healthy and he needs to be in a healthy relationship moving forward. I realized at that moment that he was right as far as the way I was dealing with things, and sadly I was taking a lot of my grief out on him and not giving him what he deserved. I begged him to reconsider but he said I would not be able to change his mind and that a friendship may be good for us. That he wants me in his life. I know friends after just ending it isn't a great idea and I told him my feelings were beyond a friendship. Being a friend will be too painful, but I said I would try as I knew his reasoning for breaking up was valid and maybe I could show him a better version of me. I stepped back and have let him point the direction. Since we broke up 3 weeks ago, he has texted and called every single day. There was one day that he did not call me and he apologized the next day for not calling. We went out to dinner last night and he treated me exactly the same gentleman way he did when we were dating. Nothing was different. He is very attentive and considerate. We went back to my place and he was his normal goofy self singing and making jokes. He never crossed the line or tried to be intimate with me at all. He left and gave me a big hug and said bye babe. I care for this man and truly believe he is amazing. He has his flaws, but he has the nicest personality and I adore that. I want to show him that things could be better than what they were, and at this point I feel the only way is through friendship. I know it is a gamble and my heart is on the line to get even more hurt. Any advice????
Happy Lemming Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 don't be friends with exes I'll second that!!
Leigh 87 Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 don't be friends with exes Top advice. Simple and easy to follow. Unfortunately, everyone learns the hard way:sick: Cue him meeting a pretty girl (possibly stunning) who he false head over heels for, leaving the OP feeling like an awful reject. 2
ThreeRainbows Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 (edited) If you want any chance of getting him back, you need to stop being friends with him immediately. He has to see your self-respect. For starters, he wasn't supportive of you, and left you instead of working on the relationship. If I were you, I'd be thinking this isn't the guy for me. Second, he is leading you on. Don't fall for this trap. He knows he "has" you whenever he wants. You're at his disposal. He has no respect for you anymore. Tell him you can no longer be friends and want to move on. Tell him you're going no contact, then go no contact. Read the no contact guide in this forum. Do not answer any calls, texts, or emails. Only respond to a complete 180 - him saying that he is regretful, and wants to work on the relationship. Everything else is just breadcrumbs. He knows where you live, he can arrive at your doorstep, or write a long handwritten note and mail it to you. Men will move mountains for a woman they love. Good chance he's met someone new. Edited July 27, 2018 by ThreeRainbows
stillafool Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 Top advice. Simple and easy to follow. Unfortunately, everyone learns the hard way:sick: Cue him meeting a pretty girl (possibly stunning) who he false head over heels for, leaving the OP feeling like an awful reject. Exactly! And as his friend you will meet his new girl and are supposed to be happy for them. Can you do this OP because that's what FRIENDS do when their friends find new loves. It also seems that when women agree to just be friends they hardly ever advance from that role. Especially if the guy has already experienced sex with her.
d0nnivain Posted July 27, 2018 Posted July 27, 2018 While I don't believe that you can be friends with an EX after a break up, you two have only broken up in name only & this friendship is a sham label. he wants you in his life. He just wanted the pressure to be off. Carry on as you are with the talking & the dinners. In essence you will be dating, no matter what he calls it. Beware, you are not official & you can't count on monogamy so this has some potential to devolve into an NSA sex thing. I'd use the next month or so to show him that you can be pleasant & that you don't have to use him as your emotional duping grounds. Do flirt with him. Get him comfortable. It's almost like you are dealing with a scared / shy animal who needs to be coaxed back into feeling secure. In a few weeks revisit the issue. Tell him that you have enjoyed spending time with him & dating him. Point out to him that you do work & ask to try again. If he says no I just want to be friends, there is no hope & you need to start pulling away putting distance in here. With him monopolizing your time you won't be able to date others. You certainly don't want to be the person he discusses his new love interest with.
spiderowl Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 (edited) This is a difficult one! My feeling is that you are right to think that he needs to see a different, less stressed you. However, if you have broken up and are just friends, he also needs to realise that you are no longer at his disposal. I would cut down the amount of time you spend with him. Do not have these long 'fake' dates. Spend an hour or two here and there but reserve your 'me' time too. He needs to realise that he has a different status at the moment too. Things are going to go one way or the other: either he will decide he likes just being friends and wants a different girlfriend, or he will miss you and realise he has made a mistake. What is the point, for him, of being 'friends' rather than lovers? He gets your time, affection, attention, care. Why does he want all that but not to be a lover? It does not make sense to me, unless he thinks he is 'teaching you a lesson' of some sort. Basically, I would assume it is over and allocate your time accordingly. It is not a good idea to spend much time with exes, especially as they will inevitably find someone else. You don't really want to find yourself in that position. Give him chance to miss you! I know it will hurt but he is not going to realise he needs you unless you are not there in his life. As you get used to spending time with others instead, other opportunities will arise which will alleviate the sadness of a break up. Edited July 30, 2018 by spiderowl
gracey123 Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 Me and my ex are friends. It’s taken 2 years for us to even speak to eachother. Don’t be his friend hoping he’ll fall for you all over again. Go NC. Fly too close to the sun get burnt
marky00 Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 He knows where you live, he can arrive at your doorstep, or write a long handwritten note and mail it to you. Men will move mountains for a woman they love. One of the small advantages of being a female dumpee I guess. Men are expected to chase and thus the above scenario isn't beyond a possibility. A female dumper on the other hand just wouldn't do that. Not because they don't want to but because they seem to feel that chasing devalues them. Probably true I guess, blame society for that one. The upside for a male dumpee is he does't have to worry about his ex trying to use him for sex Also, contact post breakup is guaranteed because women can't stand it when someone on planet earth hates them 1
Lessonsinlove Posted July 30, 2018 Posted July 30, 2018 If there are any feelings of love remaining between the two of you, or you hope to use "friendship" as a way of getting back with the other then it most definitely won't work out. I was recently in a two and a half year relationship which ended on good terms. I told her that I couldn't stay friends with her because of how I felt but she wasn't understanding. She has some mental health problems so I eventually (and stupidly) caved in and said we can stay friends. It'll start out like you never split up, talking all the time, seeing them, even sleeping with them or staying over on the occasion. You'll still use each other for emotional support, tell them about your day. But soon it'll turn and gradually what you had together as a relationship with disappear. You'll start seeing other people, playing jealousy games, you'll feel guilty, angry, sad and confused. One of you will move on quicker than the other and it'll cause more hurt and pain. You'll hear from them when they're feeling lonely or are alone. They'll confuse you and say "I may have made a mistake breaking up with you" Then the following day act like it never happened. Stay too long and every time you try to leave will be harder (I even got called selfish for trying to go, which was for my own good) Finally after 7 months of "friendship" I couldn't take anymore and left. I left on good terms and walked away with my head held high. Now I can move on with my life and as soon as I do she will probably contact me
snowboy91 Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 I know friends after just ending it isn't a great idea and I told him my feelings were beyond a friendship. Being a friend will be too painful, but I said I would try as I knew his reasoning for breaking up was valid and maybe I could show him a better version of me. .... I want to show him that things could be better than what they were, and at this point I feel the only way is through friendship. I know it is a gamble and my heart is on the line to get even more hurt. Any advice???? So I'll play devil's advocate and say that being friends with exes is possible - I've seen it happen to a lot of people and it's the case with my ex. But you have to absolutely guarantee that there are no (or minimal) feelings of hurt or wanting to get back together. It seems like you want him back, so I'll say it's a really bad idea at this point in time. You'll need some time to heal before you can consider being friends with him.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 31, 2018 Posted July 31, 2018 One of the small advantages of being a female dumpee I guess. Men are expected to chase and thus the above scenario isn't beyond a possibility. A female dumper on the other hand just wouldn't do that. Not because they don't want to but because they seem to feel that chasing devalues them. Probably true I guess, blame society for that one. The upside for a male dumpee is he does't have to worry about his ex trying to use him for sex Also, contact post breakup is guaranteed because women can't stand it when someone on planet earth hates them Such good points. Never thought about it this way.
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