Should I let this ruin what could be the rest of my life?

[This thing righthere]

So in a nutshell I dated a girl for a year and a half, we were totally head over heels for each other, talked about marriage, kids, and all that. I've never felt so in love with a girl before. But towards the last couple months of our relationship we began to argue about trivial things that we should have resolved and the arguments turned real nasty, especially on my end, saying things you should never say to someone you love.

 

She broke up with me, which at the time I deserved. I spent a couple weeks trying to fix it but she just wasn't having it. She tried to come back to me a month or 2 later and saw that I had created an online dating profile and was so upset she gave up again. I only made the profile to get back out there, but honestly I didn't really use it. At that point I tried to just focus on other things but I was still deeply in love with her.

 

As time went on I really could not get over this girl, I mean I wasn't sleeping, eating, just an overall mess. She wouldn't even talk to me at this point as she was trying to get on with her life. After about 5 months I started going to a therapist about it and also to work on myself, I was even on meds for a short period.

After 8 or 9 months I couldn't take it anymore and tried to talk to her again. It took a lot of effort but I finally got her talking to me again, going on dates, hooking up etc.

 

The only thing is she had a brief relationship with someone after about 6 months or so where she slept with him and all that. While I went on dates and fooled around with a few girls during the time, I could never bring myself to sleep with any of them as I was too sad mostly and I really don't have sex with just anybody.

I don't feel like what she did was wrong since we were broken up but it does hurt still. And I feel this uneven feeling since she was with someone and I wasn't, I do realize how immature that sounds. I haven't told her that I haven't slept with anyone but it bothers me that she's been with someone since me and I haven't. I wish that I did just so I wouldn't feel like this. I don't even have trust issues toward her since she never did anything like this while we were together

.

I guess I have a couple questions. I mean being that I love this girl more than anything do you think this is something stupid that I should just try and get over? Am I overthinking things and letting my ego get in the way? Honestly this feeling sucks but at the same time it feels amazing to have her back in my life again. Another possibly stupid question is do you think I should try and hook up with someone before her and I officially get back together? That would make things even but it would probably make me feel like **** and I feel it's probably not the right thing to do. I'm just somewhat lost right now. I should also say I'm 31 and really just want to settle down, and besides all this mess I know I'd want to start a family with her.

Edited July 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ThreeRainbows]

Another possibly stupid question is do you think I should try and hook up with someone before her and I officially get back together? That would make things even but it would probably make me feel like **** and I feel it's probably not the right thing to do. I'm just somewhat lost right now. I should also say I'm 31 and really just want to settle down, and besides all this mess I know I'd want to start a family with her.

 

 

Oh my god. Oh. My. God. Dude, you just got her back, and you want to what?

 

 

Yeah, go ahead, if you never want to see her again.

 

 

Or, you could talk to her about your feelings. Be as open as possible, -not argumentative. I think that you should try your best to let it go. Is it worth losing the girl you love over?

[Mrin]

What the hell is wrong with you?? You will lose her for sure.

 

What happened happened. Here, look at it this way. You were out of the picture. To get laid all she had to do was let it happen. That's a passive thing. For you to get laid you would have to seek out a woman, seduce her and convince her to have sex. That is an active thing. And to do it right now would mean you would have to do it with her in the picture. Don't you see the difference?

 

You're 31. Come on man.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are really not ready for a serious relationship, OP.

[guest569]

 

You're 31. Come on man.

 

This shocked me too. I'm speechless. I wonder what types of things you said to her during the arguments and why you would say nasty things that you "would never say to someone you love". What sparked these arguments and what has been done to remedy and prevent more? Why are you wasting time thinking about hooking up with a random? Time to grow up if you really want this woman in your life.

[d0nnivain]

Here's the thing. When men feel the way you do -- she slept with somebody else & you want to even the score -- you guys never get over that feeling of jealousy. You look at the woman differently. You question her virtue & her loyalty. You focus on comparing yourself to the other guy & you pester the woman with questions whose answers will only make you feel worse like was he bigger then me? Was he a better lover? etc. Even if she tells you what your ego wants to hear you don't accept the answers & assume she's lying to you.

 

You try to suppress your jealousy because your head tells you it's the mature thing to do. Yet it sits in your soul & festers. Eventually it ruins the relationship.

 

You either have to let the feeling go completely or you have to end this relationship. This jealous feeling you have is incompatible with a happy fulfilling loving relationship.

 

Especially since you said before you broke up you were fighting about trivial things & you said things to her that nobody should ever say to somebody they love, mark my words, someday you will get in another fight with this woman & then all this hate & pent up rage you have about her behavior while you were broken apart will come out. You are gonna call her names & you are gonna say stuff you can never take back all in the heat of anger.

 

So if you truly love her, work with your therapist to let go. If you can't, it will destroy this relationship.

 

Sleeping with another woman now will just destroy everything that much faster.

[NopeNah]

You have two choices 1) Break things off with her and continue with your therapist. 2)Get over it and continue with your therapist.

 

It's not her fault she had sex and you didn't. What do expect a single adult to do? Mourn the last relationship until the grave? Come'on! Only you can decide what you're comfortable with. It's not like she cheated on you.

[This thing righthere]

You guys are crazy judgemental, obviously I said it was a stupid idea and I wasn't really considering it, and no i don't ask her questions like was he better or anything like that. And she isn't an angel was also a big contributor to our arguments. Thanks for picking the worst out of my story and berating me for it []

Edited July 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Poutrew]

No problem, OP. It's what we do here... mete out advice based on what you tell us. The thing is, it's not our life... you are perfectly free to ignore our advice, suck up whatever concerns you may be feeling, and dive back in hoping the butt-hurt feeling you have will eventually go away. Thing is, it wont. Oh, you may bury it quite effectively. But it will always be there, rearing it head in unexpected ways. Your gf will be able to tell something is bothering you, because you are getting in that 'pissy' mood again, but wont know what it is about, and you wont tell her because it will lead to a fight. See, its your choice to how you want to play this off... if it were me, I'd tell her. Maybe the two of you can come up with a mutually beneficial solution to your paradox. Or, it may break you up. Thing is, if it breaks you up it means you were never meant to be together in the first place... but better to find this all out now and NOT 20 years and several children, and hopelessly intermingled finances, later... Good luck to whatever you decide.

Edited July 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

You guys are crazy judgemental, obviously I said it was a stupid idea and I wasn't really considering it, and no i don't ask her questions like was he better or anything like that. And she isn't an angel was also a big contributor to our arguments. Thanks for picking the worst out of my story and berating me for it []

 

Nobody was rude to you. Nobody judged you. You asked for our insight into your issue. We gave it to you. []

 

What did you think we were going to say? Oh you poor heartbroken thing, by all means sleep with somebody else & spend the rest of your life being consumed by retroactive jealousy because of course that will make her pity you & then she'll always love you. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Edited July 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[isolatedgothic]

I admire the fact that you did not race out and sleep with someone. So often, I see people do this in the hopes of forgetting about someone and moving on to someone else. You didn't do that, and that shows you are not out to use anyone for your own gain, and you take the sex act very seriously.

 

Because you take it seriously, it will be hard for you to let go of the idea that she did go out and sleep with someone else. If you are honest with yourself, in your heart of hearts, can you ever let go of that image in your head? You say you wanted to marry this girl and have a family with her...but do you now? Or will you forever be troubled by the idea that she sought out comfort in the arms of another? If you do marry, when things go bad, will you always feel a knot in the pit of your stomach that she's out there dealing with things by "moving on" instead of working things out between the two of you?

 

You are very insightful and honest about who you are and how you feel. If you are going to rebuild with this girl, please consider talking to a relationship therapist together. You two have some hurdles to overcome, and it's best to respond, not react. Reacting is going from 1 to 100 emotionally. Responding is thinking through honestly what you can tolerate and what you cannot, and then acting on it, even if it's hard.

 

Personally, if my ex were to come back today [we've been apart for a year...he has slept with others and did so immediately, and I have not, due to the pain I feel over losing him] I can honestly say that while I love him, I cannot ever look past the fact that instead of working our issues out, he chose to go bed the first barfly he could find. I don't want a man who can push me aside like that. I want one who will stay, tell me what I've done to hurt him, and then work through the hard times.

 

Keep searching inside, and asking yourself what you honestly can live with.

[This thing righthere]

Saying oh I can't believe he's 31 and I can just imagine what he said to her isnt productive and it is a little rude, obviously I love this girl and it's not like she cheated, I'm hoping that with time I'll get over it

[SevenCity]

Saying oh I can't believe he's 31 and I can just imagine what he said to her isnt productive and it is a little rude, obviously I love this girl and it's not like she cheated, I'm hoping that with time I'll get over it

 

Everyone here is perfect, never makes a mistake, and is always right.

 

Take that into consideration when reading responses.

 

You were very honest with your feelings and most guys would feel the same as you in your position.

 

The post a couple up is the best advice I’ve seen.

[TeddyPSmith]

You guys are crazy judgemental, obviously I said it was a stupid idea and I wasn't really considering it, and no i don't ask her questions like was he better or anything like that. And she isn't an angel was also a big contributor to our arguments. Thanks for picking the worst out of my story and berating me for it []

 

yeah I agree and thats why id carefully consider any advice you get here. Compassion is lost in Internet forums.

 

From my experience, I broke up with my ex gf for about 6 weeks and then wanted her back badly. She agreed. I asked if she hooked up with anyone and she said no. A week later she told me that some guy kissed her. It sounded a little strange so I dug. It turns out he was hanging out in her hotel room with her. After prodding more it turned out that they had a history and had hooked up years before. More digging and "she just fell asleep and he was gone when she woke up". Her story sounded like complete bull**** to me. I kept asking questions because her answers were always fishy. I would've had 1000x more respect for her if she said that she slept with him. I even told her that I couldnt be mad at her if she did but I wanted to know.

 

Here is my belabored point. We stayed together for a year after that and broke up 6 months ago. In that year, I always felt that I couldnt trust her as much as I wanted. BUT...I did get over the fact that she did something with another guy. You can get over this man. Youre a human and its human to have the feelings you do. Dont let people on this forum convince you that theres something inherently wrong with you. Just work through your feelings in a mature way. Talk to her openly but do remind yourself that she had every right to do that. And no, you shouldn't sleep with anyone else. Go sleep with her. Bone her until she has no memory of anyone else but you.

[OatsAndHall]

Saying oh I can't believe he's 31 and I can just imagine what he said to her isnt productive and it is a little rude, obviously I love this girl and it's not like she cheated, I'm hoping that with time I'll get over it

 

 

Look, jealousy is a natural emotion, a sh-tty emotion, but a natural emotion, nonetheless. How you react to that emotion is completely up to you. Right now, it's eating you up inside, making you question what you're saying is a fantastic relationship and taking up more room in your head than it's worth.

 

 

It's your choice whether you move past this or not. Time isn't going to do it on it's own. You need to make the proactive choice to work through it in your head and move on.

[This thing righthere]

I feel like I can get over it I mean it was a long time we were apart, it's not like she hooked up with a bunch of guys while we were apart. I missed her the entire time and even if it doesnt feel the same as before it's still bettwr than how i felt without her so at least for now I'm just gonna see how it goes. I don't really have trust issues toward her she never cheated on me so I dunno. Sorry I got hostile earlier I just felt like some of the responses were knocking me when I didnt really post all the details. She is diagnosed bipolar which at times can be veryyyy difficult to deal with but regardless i love her very much and we have a chemistry like none I've ever felt. So im not gonna leave her just cuz im feeling a little insecure, im gonna take it slow and see what happens

[d0nnivain]

If you truly won't hold her actions during the break up against her, there is no reason you can't go forward. Just be careful that you don't find yourself focused on the other guy. As you recognized she was free to date & sleep with others while you were apart. The fact that she chose to try to get over you by being with somebody else while you found that you were not able to connect with other women during the break as you were mourning the loss of the relationship does not mean she cared less about you then you cared about her. It just means you are different. It's like there are 2 roads to get somewhere. You each took a different one but you both reached the same destination. 2 + 2 = 3 + 1 They are the same but different.

 

Unlike the poster above who got trickle truth, it seems like your GF was forthcoming. Sometimes however you are best just not knowing. It's like the heated debates that are always sparked here about The Number. I have always been on the side of not telling because somebody will get upset that it's too high or not high enough; then there is the whole camp of people who think that no matter what # you give, you must be lying.

 

If you & your lady can focus on working together & improving communication, maybe being kinder to each other especially when angry, you should have a good shot at repairing this