Cupcake Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 Recently I posted a thread about a man that I met who lives in the UK. We met at my job while he was traveling back to UK. Since that time we have had countless phone conversations. We also emailed each other with e-cards sometimes. The only times we don't communicate is weekends. I've called him a few times on the weekends but he's never available. It's not big deal. From what I know about him so far, I like him. I would like to date him. Unfortunately, we have never been on a date. But we have been talking about arrangements for me to visit him before the end of the year. I don't want to rush anything. Right now, I'm just enjoying his friendship and conversations. Yesturday he asked me if I was dating anyone. I assured him that I don't have a boyfriend, but I have been out on a few dates in the past few weeks. He asked if I had been on a date since I met him, and if I planned to go on anymore dates with other men. My answer was yes to both those questions. I explained to him that I would only stop dating (searching for my true love) if I found my true love and made a commitment. Well, he didn't like my answer. He assumed that since he and I have already agreed to date each other in the near future, our commitment to each other is implied. He made me feel as though I have already cheated on him since I went out with a guy last week. He made it clear that I should stop dating other guys if I plan to date him in the future. He swears that he hasn't dated anyone else since he met me. This is a problem for me because it seems odd to rush into a committed relationship with someone, especially when you aren't really sure you are compatible with them. I want to spend time dating and getting to know him before making a commitment to him, not to mention that our distance will be a huge obstacle. I don't feel any pressure from him to commit. But it seems that he may no longer be interested in me because of my views about dating. I don't want to lose a potentially good man just because I didn't commit. I want to commit. I just don't want to get hurt again, so I don't want to rush things. I want us to have time to be sure about what he want from each other. Am I wrong with my idea of dating? Should I believe that he is committed to me simply because he likes me and wants to date me? Is his idea of a relationship strange? Maybe it's a cultural thing. Are UK men loyal enough to make a commitment so quickly? Should I trust him and commit to him?
bluechocolate Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 Am I wrong with my idea of dating? No. Should I believe that he is committed to me simply because he likes me and wants to date me? No. Is his idea of a relationship strange? Yes. Maybe it's a cultural thing. Are UK men loyal enough to make a commitment so quickly? No. Should I trust him and commit to him? No. If he has these, what I think are rather strict codes about dating now, imagine what he's going to be like later. You have been warned.
Little_Apple Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 You don't owe him a thing! I'd be careful about someone with such strange and over powering ideas about relationships and dating.
francis Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 i'm from the UK and I wanted to just say that it is possible that its a cultural thing...in terms of 'dating', we dont really do that here. Once you meet someone you like, the tendency is to get to know that one person. There is not really a 'dating' culture, especially if he is from a small town/small city... If he's giving you ultimatums, he sounds a bit of a possesive weirdo, but it might just seem unusual for him...dating other people once you're onto the level past friends could be perceived as cheating in his book, i know that may seem extreme to you, but you are still keeping your options open when he may be concentrating on you and only you. The unavailability at weekends is a bit of a red flag, just be wary. where do you see this going with this guy? is it now just harmless internet fun or long distance flirting fun? what are his expectations for the future? have you made plans to see eachother again? evaluate the situation and whether you want to pursue it any more, but you should certainly not shut down your options to date others if you dont feel ready to.
Author Cupcake Posted September 4, 2005 Author Posted September 4, 2005 francis I'm from the UK and I wanted to just say that it is possible that its a cultural thing...in terms of 'dating' I don't feel any pressure from him to commit. He was just very surprised amd disappointed when I shared my ideas with him. Right now, all we have is internet and phone flirting. He hasn't given me any ultimatums. We have shared our goals with each other (get married, have children, successful careers, ect.) in general terms, not neccesarily having these things together. He doesn't want to waste his time dating anyone who isn't potentially the wife, mother, lover, ect. Niether do I. Unfortunately, it's difficult to put so much emphasis on finding the right one. I can't have one date with someone and deem them "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Wrong" every time. Sometimes it's easy to weed out the bad ones right away. But I have to be careful that good ones are being fake in the begining of a relationship. This takes time because nobody is perfect. So far, we each seem to be ideal partners for each other, but we need time to know for sure. During that time, I don't want to lock myself away from other potential partners, because we may realize that we aren't right for each other. We aren't getting any younger. Before long, my dreams of having children won't be possible. I have several years before this happens so I'm not rushed. But if I continue the way that I have in the past, devoting myselft to the wrong men, several years will have passed me by. I don't want to make that mistake. But I also don't want to make the mistake of this UK man being the man of my dreams, and me be too warped by past realationships to realize it.
littlekitty Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 i'm from the UK and I wanted to just say that it is possible that its a cultural thing...in terms of 'dating', we dont really do that here. Once you meet someone you like, the tendency is to get to know that one person. There is not really a 'dating' culture, especially if he is from a small town/small city.... Francis is right, and you should take this into consideration before discounting this man. We don't have a tendancy to 'date' in the UK, while you guys in the US feel it's fine to 'date' several people at the same time. We meet someone and if we like them, we're exclusive while we learn about one and other. It would be seen as "cheating" (or more clearly, not the done thing!!!) for a women to go on 'dates' while she was interested in a possible relationship with a man and had indicated this to him while making arrangements to meet with him. It's like, you'd staked your interest, now stick to it!! That's just us Brits for you! From what you say, I think this is mainly a mis-understanding of differences in culture. Bluechocolate is incorrect when saying that it's not a cultural difference and is obviously answering even though not from UK! I'd say give him a chance to explain how things would normally work for him, and why he expected the same with you.
Aimée Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Francis and littlekitty, I'm glad you posted because this was something that has been on my mind for a while. My impression has always been that Americans are very casual about dating while here in Europe it's not as common. Most people I know don't date around. They find someone who interests them and they go from there and see how it develops but they don't hang out with a bunch of people and see whom they like most. I've been told that people around the world do this kind of casual dating but I really doubt this statement.
littlekitty Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Francis and littlekitty, I'm glad you posted because this was something that has been on my mind for a while. My impression has always been that Americans are very casual about dating while here in Europe it's not as common. Most people I know don't date around. They find someone who interests them and they go from there and see how it develops but they don't hang out with a bunch of people and see whom they like most. I've been told that people around the world do this kind of casual dating but I really doubt this statement. My pleasure! You're completely right, many cultures don't follow the American way of casual dating. Niether is right or wrong, but these cutural differences exist none the less!
Author Cupcake Posted September 6, 2005 Author Posted September 6, 2005 Thanks everyone!! I think it's too late for me now. When we had this conversation last week, he didn't give me an explaination of his opinion. He also didn't ask for my explaination. He just said, "Oh. Okay then. I think I have to go now. I'll talk to you another time. Goodbye." He called me the next day, while I was working, and left a breif message. He hasn't called me in three days. But of course, it was the weekend. As I said before, he never calls me on weekends. I called him yesturday, but as usual, he didn't answer. I believe that communication is the key to successful relationships of any kind. I would at least like the opportunity to talk about our differences with him. Maybe he's not the talkative type. I wish he would at least ask why I think a certain way about different things instead of running away. But I guess this is a prime example of how he deals with things. And I don't want a man like that anyway.
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