Am I The Common Denominator?

[MaleIntuition]

LOL!

 

Totally.

 

IDK I guess things might be different now (I'm GenX) but girls didn't pay at least for the first 100 dates.

 

What’s genX?

 

100 date? The irony is that you seem to view a relationship as a business transaction: “I’m not willing to spend time with him unless he pays for my time”? What am I missing?

[brigit87]

What’s genX?

 

100 date? The irony is that you seem to view a relationship as a business transaction: “I’m not willing to spend time with him unless he pays for my time”? What am I missing?

 

For Gen X reference watch "The Breakfast Club."

 

As far as dating I never had a problem so no need to explain.

[brigit87]

For Gen X reference watch "The Breakfast Club."

 

 

Clip from movie:

 

[

[Gaeta]

As far as my first example went, I could see how I came across as pushy. But, she initiating conversation throughout the week and also sent me several "Good Morning" and "Good Night" texts out of the blue. I've dated a my fair share of women of the last few year and every other time I've gotten an "I'll let you know", I'm ghosted. So, this one was a bit odd. However, my telling her about my plans has been precipitated by several women being flaky about making dates and then getting pissed off when I make plans of my own.

 

I've only tossed out my financial situation when it comes to this particular playhouse. I live in a rural area and many women basically expect to be taken on a date or dates there. So, I've gotten in the habit of bluntly telling them that the tickets are a bit pricey for my tastes when it comes up. If the dates are going well, I don't mind shelling out the cash once but it's a no go past that.

 

 

Yes we understand why you have acted this way and said those things but do you understand you need to change how you handle a few of those things? and you need to change come of the vocabulary you use.

 

 

Lotsgoingon gave you lots of good advice.

[Miss Spider]

I’m a student, so I can’t afford nearly $100 a pop for a random date. I’d want to spent that money somewhere else. I also wouldn’t suggest to a man a date that I couldn’t afford myself. I think that’s bad form. She actually asked him out on that date, and there was probably no way he could have declined it without looking “tight” to her(just a rude thing for her to say imo). Maybe a bit more polite. . He could try suggesting alternative, cheaper dates, but I think eventually their incompatible lifestyles’, as JuneL said, would have butted heads.

Edited July 26, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[JuneL]

Looking at your text exchanges, I got the feeling that you acted very business like. It almost sounded like someone was negotiating with his plumber

 

For this, I didn’t just mean the part when you’re talking about money. But the general tone didn’t sound like you’re talking to a date, at all. For example, you could have at least said the same thing in a cute way, “Hey how about I take you to dinner and you pick up the tickets? ”

[Ruby Slippers]

In the first scenario, you should have asked her out at a specific time for a specific activity. Most women prefer the man to take the reins for date planning in the early stages, to demonstrate that he can create a good atmosphere to support romantic connection. If a guy expects me to come up with the date ideas that early on, I lose all interest. Women like a go-getter, a man with a plan.

 

In the second scenario, different women have different requirements on the material level. Some women won't do anything less than dinner/event dates of a certain caliber/cost.

 

Personally, I expect the man to pay for dates, but I've been wined and dined plenty and I don't care if we go to a modest joint with good tacos while just getting to know each other. I've dated and had relationships with high rollers, and it's clear to me now that amount of money spent has nothing to do with the core connection. In other words, I'd rather be with a man with lower net worth who really loves me than a rich guy who doesn't. But a lot of women these days are more focused on fun, so are going to prioritize the material side.

[Rockett]

I think you handled the first one just fine. If she was really interested in going out again, it wouldn't have made a difference. Her saying that you were too pushy says to me that she was ultimately ambivalent. So even if you hadn't updated her on your plans, it likely wouldn't have changed her outlook.

 

 

 

Sure, I suppose there's something to be said for women preferring a man to take charge of planning the first few dates, but as others have said, if she really wanted to go out again, she would have. Even though she texted you later about going out again, her whole attitude gives of a vibe of "not that excited," and you don't need that.

 

 

As for the second one- I'm a woman in my 30s, and I also expect to pay my way on an early date. I'd feel really uncomfortable if a man I just met offered to take me on expensive dates, and it tells you a lot about her dating expectations that she thought it was ok to ask that of you. Since your goal was to get to know her, it would have made much more sense to do one of the less expensive, more interactive dates suggested earlier. If she's not up for that, well, then she probably wouldn't be very compatible.

 

 

 

Dating should be (as) fun (as possible). I don't think you're doing anything wrong in these interactions, but what seems to be missing is a focus on re-orienting the process towards what would make it more enjoyable for *you*. It's normal to get frustrated and a bit jaded after going on date after date and not finding a connection, but maybe stepping off the treadmill for a moment will help. Your expectations for dating are reasonable, but if your experiences are making you question yourself (if you're the 'common denominator,') maybe there could be something you could do to make the process less wearing on yourself.

[Romantic_Antics]

I'm more of a numerator in my relationships. I like being on top.

[anduina]

The first woman didn't show much interest.

 

The second example was unusual since income is part of the algorithm.

[SevenCity]

For Gen X reference watch "The Breakfast Club."

 

As far as dating I never had a problem so no need to explain.

 

Women who are entitled never see it as a problem.

[OatsAndHall]

{snip}

 

If you don't propose something, you're essentially hiding ... and throwing a bunch of planning work back on her. Some women love to plan and take the lead ... but a lot do not want to do so at the start.

 

If you want a more consensus style, propose your idea as in "You got any interest in going to the beach? ... to the amusement park? ... to X event."

If she expresses an interest, her to to say, you can say you'll check on the details and get back to her. I think you should assume you are going to pay for the date. Let her offer to pay for herself and make a judgment in the moment about whether to do that.

 

Anyway, keep going brother. Don't draw huge conclusions from dealing with two women ...but seriously get comfortable with your income level. And create a list of good date ideas--things that truly interest you!

 

 

Lol.. You're talking to the guy who can attest to the truth behind Ben Afleck's statement that arcades are "Spanish Fly". When I lived in a metropolitan area, I had many second and third dates where we went to dinner and the arcade after. Ski ball, shooting hoops and cheesy toys bought with tickets; those were fun.

 

 

 

It's been rough going on the dating scene since I moved to this rural area as there just isn't much to do. Hence why this playhouse is such a big deal. And, these plays are the only time I've mentioned anything about something being pricey. But, I proposing an alternative is a better way to handle it.

 

 

 

Honestly, I try to get a read on a woman before bringing up a second date. If they're kind of quiet and reserved then I toss out ideas, as you described. If they're outgoing and talkative, then I tend to try to let them take the lead. If they're somewhere in between, then I make a few suggestions about a second date. Many of the extroverted women I have dated already have an idea for the second date (assuming they want one, lol). So, the majority of the time, I do toss give out some potential date ideas. But, I think doing it full time is a better approach.

Edited August 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Shining One]

Woman 1: There was no need to preemptively tell her you were busy on Saturday. You should only have revealed that if she asked you to hang out on Saturday.

 

Woman 2: Don't tell her it's out of your budget. Tell her you don't take dates to such events. You save those events for later in the relationship. It's the same result, but you are setting a boundary rather than saying you can't afford it. In my experience, a "good" woman would have bought the tickets since the play was her idea.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, the rural challenge ... is there a bar somewhere that at least has good eats and some good music and atmosphere?

 

Seriously ... and this is from a guy who would tie himself in knots trying to get a date to agree to a date plan ... stop tossing out ideas.

 

Say what you want to do ... I'd like to .. Would you be interested in?

 

But focus on what you really want. That way you'll at least be enthusiastic about the activity ... which shows you at your best ... and you'll show a lot more confidence ... and you'll take some of the pain out of dating.

[Noproblem]

From my observation. You have a short temper.

 

You end things easily. Maybe you are just tired or maybe you were always like that.

[basil67]

I think it's nice for a man to show a bit of initiative in planning, so I would like a guy who comes up with the second date idea himself. Or who offers a couple of ideas for us to discuss together.

 

I would never ask a guy to buy tickets to take me to a show. I think it's really presumptuous to ask him to pay that kind of money so early on. That said, if a guy is worried about his budget, he needs to do the planning and not ask a woman what she wants to do.

[mortensorchid]

I don't think it's the amount of money you would be spending on these outings, I think it was more like they were not putting that much effort into it because they weren't that interested in you to begin with.

 

Texting has muddied our communication skills, I still go by the old fashioned 48 Hour Rule : If you haven't heard from the man within the first 48 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again. If it's a phone call, that's great, that's direct. Texting? I can't tell you how many times I have been out with someone, then the next day he texts me and it tapers off after a few days. Why? Because texting is a passive form of communication, people get distracted, and you are stuck thinking "what happened?"

 

Texting after a get together is fine, but you need to state your intentions clearly in them. If one party says something polite like "I had a nice time last night", I reply with a simple "Thanks, I did as well". And ... That's that most of the time. The party must say "I had a nice time last night, I would like to see you again. What's a good date / time for you?" And if the other is interested, they will say "I did as well. A good time for me is (fill in the blank)". If they do not respond, obviously that's the answer. If they say something like "Things are rather busy right now, I will let you know." Then ... That's that.

 

Why do people text after not hearing from the person? They're reaching out and saying "Hi, remember me? I'm still here." The other party might respond by saying "Oh hi there sorry I didn't contact I've been busy". And you'll have some other how your day going texts, but it's going to taper off.

 

With these two examples, neither of you was really all that excited about each other. Action speaks louder than words.

[OatsAndHall]

From my observation. You have a short temper.

 

You end things easily. Maybe you are just tired or maybe you were always like that.

 

 

No, I don't have a short temper; quite the opposite. I'm a reasonably laid back guy. I'm not angry at the women I described, nor any of the women I have dated. I have just run into too much drama for my taste while dating so I end things quickly when it pops up, at least early on. I've had a few long term relationships since my divorce, I've invested myself in them and worked through issues. Both of those ended amicably and I wish them the best.

 

 

 

I do enjoy dating and meeting new women but, I'm almost 38 years old, I've embraced and like my bachelorhood and I'm not going to stay involved with a woman when there's issues early on. This may sound a bit cold but if it comes down to spending my free time watching "Dumb and Dumber" with friends or taking a woman out who states that I'm cheap, Harry and Lloyd are going to win out every time.

[OatsAndHall]

Wow, the rural challenge ... is there a bar somewhere that at least has good eats and some good music and atmosphere?

 

Seriously ... and this is from a guy who would tie himself in knots trying to get a date to agree to a date plan ... stop tossing out ideas.

 

Say what you want to do ... I'd like to .. Would you be interested in?

 

But focus on what you really want. That way you'll at least be enthusiastic about the activity ... which shows you at your best ... and you'll show a lot more confidence ... and you'll take some of the pain out of dating.

 

 

Yes, dating in a rural area presents a lot of challenges. But, you just have to be laid back and somewhat creative. One of the best dates I've had was an evening drive around country roads after an afternoon of branding cattle and dinner.

 

 

 

And, the bars around here aren't what I'd call pleasant, by any stretch of the imagination. I try to take advantage of bands that come in and play at them but that's about it, date wise. They're loud, rowdy, country bars with handsy drunks.

 

 

 

I've been surprised, there are many women up here that don't enjoy the outdoors; fishing, hiking, camping, etc.. That REALLY makes things tough as you're stuck eating out at one of the same five restaurants, going to the movie theater or watching college kids put on a production of "The Little Mermaid". Honestly, once you get into a committed relationship around here, you plan one or two weekends out of town (i.e. a five hour drive) each month.

[olivetree]

From my observation. You have a short temper.

 

You end things easily. Maybe you are just tired or maybe you were always like that.

 

OP, this is the impression I've got from your threads as well.

You have a low tolerance for minor grievances that I would say could have been prevented by your own behaviour.

 

As others said - no need to tell someone which day of the week is now off the table.

 

Saying going to a play is not within your budget would give me the impression that you would NEVER shell out $35/ticket for a show at any phase in the relationship.

Even if she isn't looking for a free ride, seeming stingy is still off-putting.

 

I agree to be less up front and a little more stealth by suggesting cheaper alternatives until you feel the woman is worth the investment and more expensive dates.