Am I The Common Denominator?

July 25, 2018

I've been dating consistently again over the space of the last seven months and it's been a circus, through and through. I am noticing what I perceive as a lack of and/or poor communication skills l pop up continually with many of the women I have seen. This leads to drama and I cut ties pretty quickly. I can't figure out if this is just my perception or if it's a reality.. If it's a reality, I'd like to know if other people are seeing it as well. I'll toss out a few examples and I have some posts in other threads detailing these interactions;

I was set up on a date by a friend and we seemed to have a good time on our date. We agreed to a second date at the end of this date but didn't set anything in stone. I asked her the following Monday what she'd like to do for our second date and she stated that she'd "let me know." At first, I took this as a sign that she wasn't interested but she texted me several times a day through the week and we talked over the phone twice so I figured there was -some- interest. A friend got a hold of me on Thursday and asked me if I wanted to hang out that Saturday, BBQ and watch a football game. The gal in question hadn't "let me know" about meeting up that weekend yet so I went ahead and made plans with him. However, I did shoot her a text and stated that I'd made plans for the afternoon and evening on Saturday so we wouldn't be able to see each other then. The text response I get:

Her:"I feel like you're being pushy about us going out again".

Me: "No, I'm trying to be polite and give you a heads up about this weekend as we've talked twice about seeing each other again."

Her: "I told you I'd let you know."

Me: "Alright, take care."

She texted me a few days later, wanting to meet up, I thank her, and told her I wasn't interested. Again, bear in mind that the topic of us seeing each other only came up TWICE in the space of nearly seven days and throughout multiple conversations. And, it wasn't even a discussion. "Hey, I'd like to see you again, this was fun." "I had fun too, I'd like to meet up again too." "So, do you have any ideas for meeting up this weekend?" "I'll let you know."

Second example. I met a gal via OLD at the and we went out on one date. We enjoyed ourselves and she asked for a second. She mentioned going to the local playhouse to see "Brigadoon". Now, I was very straight forward with her; I told her that I did want to see that play but that was the only show I was interested until summer rolled around. I told her that the price of tickets ($25-$35) at the playhouse was a bit steep for my budget. (notice she never offered to pay for the playhouse..) She said she understood, we met up for the play, had a good time together, and kept chatting. We went out on one more date and then another play ("Cabaret"..) came to the playhouse and she asked if I wanted to go. I texted her and told her that I wanted to spend time with her so I would take her out to dinner if she'd pick up the tickets for the play. The response I get and the conversation that ensues:

Her:"You're a little bit on the tight side aren't you?"

Me: "No, I'm not but I can't really afford fifty to seventy dollars for play tickets right now."

Her: "Well, I love "Cabaret."

Me: "Yes, I know you do and my offer stands: I'll pick up dinner if you can pick up the tickets."

No response, ghosted. Lol

Thoughts?

July 25, 2018

First example: You could have suggested a specific day/time and location for the weekend date to begin with.

Second example: Your lifestyles are just incompatible.

July 25, 2018

First example. You said "what do you want to do for our second date". Take control, girls find that attractive vs being weak which is very offputting. I can also see where she thought your text about "I can't go out with you this weekend because I have plans" is possibly somewhat manipulative, as in "You never gave me an answer so no date for you, you lose!".

Second example. It's all about money. She wants a guy who can afford to spend $50 on tickets without complaining about it breaking the bank. Doesn't necessarily mean she's a money grubbing gold digger who will never, ever offer to pay for anything but it's not off the table of possibilities either.

July 25, 2018

I was set up on a date by a friend and we seemed to have a good time on our date. We agreed to a second date at the end of this date but didn't set anything in stone. I asked her the following Monday what she'd like to do for our second date and she stated that she'd "let me know." At first, I took this as a sign that she wasn't interested but she texted me several times a day through the week and we talked over the phone twice so I figured there was -some- interest. A friend got a hold of me on Thursday and asked me if I wanted to hang out that Saturday, BBQ and watch a football game. The gal in question hadn't "let me know" about meeting up that weekend yet so I went ahead and made plans with him. However, I did shoot her a text and stated that I'd made plans for the afternoon and evening on Saturday so we wouldn't be able to see each other then. The text response I get:

Her:"I feel like you're being pushy about us going out again".
Me: "No, I'm trying to be polite and give you a heads up about this weekend as we've talked twice about seeing each other again."
Her: "I told you I'd let you know."
Me: "Alright, take care."

She texted me a few days later, wanting to meet up, I thank her, and told her I wasn't interested. Again, bear in mind that the topic of us seeing each other only came up TWICE in the space of nearly seven days and throughout multiple conversations. And, it wasn't even a discussion. "Hey, I'd like to see you again, this was fun." "I had fun too, I'd like to meet up again too." "So, do you have any ideas for meeting up this weekend?" "I'll let you know."

I'll let you know means she is not interested. For what ever reasons she kept on messaging you, maybe she didn't know how to let you down nicely, she was definitely not interested in a 2nd date.

Why did you feel the need to text her you were busy Saturday when you had no plans with her? You shouldn't have done that. It made you look like you were standing by to hear from her. Next time just make plans with your buddies, if the woman gets back to you then tell her you didn't hear from her so you made other plans for Saturday but you are free on XYZ.

Second example. I met a gal via OLD at the and we went out on one date. We enjoyed ourselves and she asked for a second. She mentioned going to the local playhouse to see "Brigadoon". Now, I was very straight forward with her; I told her that I did want to see that play but that was the only show I was interested until summer rolled around. I told her that the price of tickets ($25-$35) at the playhouse was a bit steep for my budget. (notice she never offered to pay for the playhouse..) She said she understood, we met up for the play, had a good time together, and kept chatting. We went out on one more date and then another play ("Cabaret"..) came to the playhouse and she asked if I wanted to go. I texted her and told her that I wanted to spend time with her so I would take her out to dinner if she'd pick up the tickets for the play. The response I get and the conversation that ensues:

Her:"You're a little bit on the tight side aren't you?"
Me: "No, I'm not but I can't really afford fifty to seventy dollars for play tickets right now."
Her: "Well, I love "Cabaret."
Me: "Yes, I know you do and my offer stands: I'll pick up dinner if you can pick up the tickets."

No response, ghosted. Lol

Thoughts?

Don't tell a new date you are tight in money. Just counter offer a cheaper date. If you start shedding $70 on tickets + parking + a bite after this dating business will ruin you. If you want to go and share the cost then say something to that effect but don't say it's because it's too expensive or it's because you are tight. There is just something about it that kills the mood.

In both cases you dudged a bullet. They both don't sound very nice and only out for themselves.

July 25, 2018

Why did you feel the need to text her you were busy Saturday when you had no plans with her? You shouldn't have done that. It made you look like you were standing by to hear from her.

This is what I tried to say but @Gaeta said it better. The fact that you don't realize you came across this way to the girl is rather troubling. It's clear you were thinking about her a bit too hard after that first date. Girls aren't attracted to guys who appear to not have a life or have a life that is so void that they make such a big impression. Learn how to be busy.

Don't tell a new date you are tight in money.

Again, this. There are much better ways to put it without sounding like you're cheap, broke or both. Problem there is that if you truly are that broke it's going to come out sooner or later and if she doesn't want a guy with no money then you're wasting your time anyway.

In both cases you dudged a bullet. They both don't sound very nice and only out for themselves.

On this point I don't necessarily agree. Not enough information available to make that call. The first girl wasn't interested and was put off by his pushiness as she put it. She might not be that out of line.

The second clearly has monetary concerns. But you know what? My girlfriend wouldn't even consider a dating a guy if his profile didn't state an income in excess of $100,000. And I won't be in a relationship with a gold digger who refuses to spend their own money or who doesn't have all that much. Why? Because we were both married to parasites who financially drained us and we won't do it again. And it's worked out great.

July 26, 2018

I too don't get why you felt the need to inform #1 your Sat plans. If you still hadn't heard back from her, that was your cue to carry on.

As for #2, I would've been put off too. What I don't understand is why, if you were willing to buy dinner, you just didn't go to the play instead? Dinner costs about the same, no? Feels a bit controlling and inflexible, imo

July 26, 2018

#1. You didn’t have plans with her, no need to tell her you couldn’t meet up

#2. Can’t afford her

July 26, 2018

As far as my first example went, I could see how I came across as pushy. But, she initiating conversation throughout the week and also sent me several "Good Morning" and "Good Night" texts out of the blue. I've dated a my fair share of women of the last few year and every other time I've gotten an "I'll let you know", I'm ghosted. So, this one was a bit odd. However, my telling her about my plans has been precipitated by several women being flaky about making dates and then getting pissed off when I make plans of my own.

I've only tossed out my financial situation when it comes to this particular playhouse. I live in a rural area and many women basically expect to be taken on a date or dates there. So, I've gotten in the habit of bluntly telling them that the tickets are a bit pricey for my tastes when it comes up. If the dates are going well, I don't mind shelling out the cash once but it's a no go past that.

July 26, 2018

Her:"I feel like you're being pushy about us going out again".

Not only is she not interested, she is irritated by you.

Her:"You're a little bit on the tight side aren't you?"

Again, zero attraction.

Interested women don't act like this.

July 26, 2018

As far as my first example went, I could see how I came across as pushy. But, she initiating conversation throughout the week and also sent me several "Good Morning" and "Good Night" texts out of the blue. I've dated a my fair share of women of the last few year and every other time I've gotten an "I'll let you know", I'm ghosted. So, this one was a bit odd. However, my telling her about my plans has been precipitated by several women being flaky about making dates and then getting pissed off when I make plans of my own.

I've only tossed out my financial situation when it comes to this particular playhouse. I live in a rural area and many women basically expect to be taken on a date or dates there. So, I've gotten in the habit of bluntly telling them that the tickets are a bit pricey for my tastes when it comes up. If the dates are going well, I don't mind shelling out the cash once but it's a no go past that.

Don't allow those women to dictate how you treat future ones. Their drama has no bearing on other situations.

July 26, 2018

I too don't get why you felt the need to inform #1 your Sat plans. If you still hadn't heard back from her, that was your cue to carry on.

As for #2, I would've been put off too. What I don't understand is why, if you were willing to buy dinner, you just didn't go to the play instead? Dinner costs about the same, no? Feels a bit controlling and inflexible, imo

Lol...No, we have one pricey restaurant around here and I'll be lucky to drop $40 on a meal there. The tickets to this play were $35 a piece.

July 26, 2018

Lol...No, we have one pricey restaurant around here and I'll be lucky to drop $40 on a meal there. The tickets to this play were $35 a piece.

In my opinion if you can't afford a pair of $35 tickets you shouldn't be dating right now.

If you can afford it but not regularly, you could have let her know that without appearing cheap.

Edited July 26, 2018 by Highndry

July 26, 2018

In my opinion if you can't afford a pair of $35 tickets you shouldn't be dating right now.

If you can afford it but not regularly, you could have let her know that without appearing cheap.

So much for equal rights. Funny how as a guy you are expected to shell out cash as if these girls are prostitues.

I can afford tickets to a play, but I would never take a chick there on a first date unless her interest and mine was explosive.

I commend the OP for expecting her to pay her way. Bravo. I just have sex with them and dump them once it feels like a business transaction.

July 26, 2018

Well as a man who sometimes dates women who make more money than I do, I think it's fine to get the money-income matter on the table--immediately.

Now, I wouldn't offer to pay dinner in exchange for her picking up tickets. That's too complicated and makes you seem like a fast-talking slick salesman picking someone's pocket on a deal. Keep first moves in meeting someone very straight forward and easy to interpret. The more complicated your idea at the start, the more scared and weirded out people get. They don't know us yet, so anything kinda odd isn't good ... because there is no basis of trust yet.

By the way, I say skip the "a bit steep for my budget," and say more directly, "I'd love to do something less expensive." Or just get to your alternate ideas .

So don't apologize for your budget, but be ready to propose outings that you do enjoy. Don't know where you live, but where I live just going for walks can be a ton of fun ... walk through an area sorta like you would walk through an art museum, observe, exchange reactions on what you see, talk about yourself ... nice distraction for talk, nice exercise ... something about walking eases the conversation. Great affordable date.

Picnics, bike rides, going jogging, going to the museum on the free day (lots of museums have that ... or a "pay as you will" day) ... You want to have a rich list of fun, affordable activities you can do with someone. Start scouring the paper for weekend deals ... free events and so on.

Side story: one year when I was dating a lot, I just joined the local art museum, which around me is huge and famous ... I bought the membership that allowed for the free entry of two guests ... and I took every date I had to the art museum. None of them knew I did that on a previous date ... and with each date, we'd seem to just naturally go to a different part of the museum.

Now let me back up. Man, no way am I spending money on a show before I sit down for coffee ... or drinks at a bar ... or before I know I'm really into her. A show, for me, is for later in the relationship. At the start, your goal is to quickly screen people ... into worth a second date ... not worth a second date ... So I don't see going to a show as helpful to learning about each other.

Dinner and a walk ... much better, in my view. Or movie and a walk. Or movie and later drinks ... Or on the right day ... a walk ...

On the testy exchange with Miss "I'll get back to you," you didn't do anything offensive or beyond the pale ...

But time for a change. Asking a woman "what would you like to do?" is not helpful. In fact, that's less than helpful ... She doesn't know you yet ... She has no idea what would work with you ... And a lot of women just aren't used to coming up with THE date idea ... And you're hiding ...

Instead, propose an idea. "I'd like to do x." ... or "There's a car show that looks like fun. They are showing new X kind of cars this year ... with a band coming. That sounds like fun." Propose an idea ... and include with the proposal what you like about the idea and why you think it's fun.

Now here's the trick: and you'll be nervous the first time you do this, but you want to propose an idea that YOU really like. Sounds selfish and risky? ... Well, hold on ... who will this person be dating? You! ... How can she figure out you're a good match for her and you figure out if she is good for you? Only if you show some of who you really are and what you are interested in. Propose only dates that interests you. The neat side effect here is you will be showing yourself ... and your interest in the date (the activity) will come through.

They don't like any of your ideas, fine. Success. You have quickly screened out someone who is not your type.

If you don't propose something, you're essentially hiding ... and throwing a bunch of planning work back on her. Some women love to plan and take the lead ... but a lot do not want to do so at the start.

If you want a more consensus style, propose your idea as in "You got any interest in going to the beach? ... to the amusement park? ... to X event."

If she expresses an interest, her to to say, you can say you'll check on the details and get back to her. I think you should assume you are going to pay for the date. Let her offer to pay for herself and make a judgment in the moment about whether to do that.

Anyway, keep going brother. Don't draw huge conclusions from dealing with two women ...but seriously get comfortable with your income level. And create a list of good date ideas--things that truly interest you!

July 26, 2018

In my opinion if you can't afford a pair of $35 tickets you shouldn't be dating right now.

If you can afford it but not regularly, you could have let her know that without appearing cheap.

Yeah... Because I want to spend $100 per weekend on women I barely know. I date because I'm trying to get to know someone, not to drop cash to keep them entertained. You won't catch me spending a a fifth of my disposable income for the month on $70 tickets to a three hour play where we're not even going to interact.

July 26, 2018

So much for equal rights. Funny how as a guy you are expected to shell out cash as if these girls are prostitues.

I can afford tickets to a play, but I would never take a chick there on a first date unless her interest and mine was explosive.

I commend the OP for expecting her to pay her way. Bravo. I just have sex with them and dump them once it feels like a business transaction.

It’s unclear from his post whether the woman expected him to pay for BOTH of their tickets, but he actually ASKED the woman to cover HIS ticket, which was a little odd (if the woman didn’t offer herself). Assuming the woman expected to split the costs, then his not being able to cover his share means their lifestyles are incompatible.

July 26, 2018

I think you seem pretty straight-forward and want to be pretty transparent with your interest level, but not pushy or needy. I have to agree, though, that with woman #1, it was unnecessary to give her a "heads up" she missed her window of opportunity. If she were to decide Saturday was open and brought it up, this is when you could have said you made other plans, and maybe toss in an alternative day. I'm not sure what to think of this woman, as her actively maintaining communication seems like she was interested, but the "I'll let you know" can (as we all know) be an indicator of low interest or keeping her options open for something or someone else better...until the last minute when it looks like all else failed...okay, it turns out I'm free.

Woman #2 seems more of a personality conflict or interest conflict. It seems you're not terribly keen on sinking $35 a head on show tickets, but perfectly fine sinking the same amount into dinner or activity more to your liking. To tackle both dinner and a show...I take no issue expressing the budget situation and expressing an alternative...you wanted dinner, she wanted the show...split the cost and have a nice evening. If you not covering the cost of the entire evening is a deal-breaker for her, so be it. Personally, I would be suffering a bit of anxiety on the level of money expected to be put into activities that aren't too much to my liking...and frequently. I also think it's best to cover this up front, rather than fret or brood afterwards or spring the notion last-minute you expect her to cover half. I guess I'm of a differing opinion than the rest; if the activity is too pricey, it's okay to say so. You don't come across as cheap to me, as you are totally fine footing the bill and covering costs, but we all have to consider what we can afford and if such an event is worth cutting corners in other areas.

You are the common denominator. But I don't see you as being off the grid with dumb choices and a string of mistakes. You seem to have a level head judging by your posts. I don't perceive you as playing games, being too aloof or overly invested (clingy?), or anything like that...just not meeting "the one" just yet.

July 26, 2018

So much for equal rights. Funny how as a guy you are expected to shell out cash as if these girls are prostitues.

I can afford tickets to a play, but I would never take a chick there on a first date unless her interest and mine was explosive.

I commend the OP for expecting her to pay her way. Bravo. I just have sex with them and dump them once it feels like a business transaction.

Yeah... Because I want to spend $100 per weekend on women I barely know. I date because I'm trying to get to know someone, not to drop cash to keep them entertained. You won't catch me spending a a fifth of my disposable income for the month on $70 tickets to a three hour play where we're not even going to interact.

Wow, who knew a mere $70 would elicit such strong responses? That's only 2/3 of a tank of fuel for me. I would spend that on a first date and not even bat an eye. And, I don't expect a thing in return. I guess I'm just old-fashioned.

July 26, 2018

Girl #1 - as already mentioned, you should not approach a date asking her what she’d like to do, this early on anyway. Women like men who show initiative and can put forth the effort on their own into planning dates.

Girl #2- this was the third date, no? You were ok with going to a show for the second date, but not the third? Or the cost of tickets was just drastically different? She probably thought you all had a nice time at the first show you went to together and assumed you’d like to do it again. Why ask her to cover the cost of your ticket? I understand not wanting to shell out that much money, but I think the way you approached it came off the wrong way. Next time someone asks to go on an expensive date, perhaps offer a cheaper, alternative option. You could’ve said you enjoyed going to a show on the last date, but you’d like to switch it up this time and go to dinner and a walk in the park instead.

I don’t consider myself someone who dates for money, but I think I would be put off by having a potential partner asking me to pay for them. I approach every date assuming I will pay for myself. It’s nice when the man does, but after a certain point I believe in splitting the bill and taking turns. I think that’s just part of dating is realizing you may have to spend more money than you would if you were single.

July 26, 2018

WTH kinda car you drive, a semi truck?

Anyways, 70 is about what I spend assuming food drink for a date. I try and have a good time. I know that can add up if I do it several times a month. I completely understand if you don't wanna do that.

July 26, 2018

These are two completely different scenarios. With the first one, why was it necessary to cut her off? If you keep communications open, you can get to know each other. With the second woman, I don't know how long she has been silent: hours? days?

I don't think you did anything wrong in what you said to these women. We can only be tolerant and assume others are tolerant as well. So don't worry about that. If there is a common denominator, it seems to be a sort of defensiveness, and being quick to judge. These women may be guilty of that too, but you have no control over that.

I get that you may have be cut off suddenly by other women in the past. That's their problem. You need not follow their example. When you have a string of very short liaisons that ended with you cutting people off, that's troubling, and indicates some issues.

July 26, 2018

Wow, who knew a mere $70 would elicit such strong responses? That's only 2/3 of a tank of fuel for me. I would spend that on a first date and not even bat an eye. And, I don't expect a thing in return. I guess I'm just old-fashioned.

Nah, you expect her to be there - with you - in return. Personally I’m not willing to pay for somebody company, and lucky for me; the girls here are on the same page. The second girl in OPs example clearly had no real interest in OP.

July 26, 2018

Looking at your text exchanges, I got the feeling that you acted very business like. It almost sounded like someone was negotiating with his plumber

July 26, 2018

Second example. I met a gal via OLD at the and we went out on one date. We enjoyed ourselves and she asked for a second. She mentioned going to the local playhouse to see "Brigadoon". Now, I was very straight forward with her; I told her that I did want to see that play but that was the only show I was interested until summer rolled around. I told her that the price of tickets ($25-$35) at the playhouse was a bit steep for my budget. (notice she never offered to pay for the playhouse..) She said she understood, we met up for the play, had a good time together, and kept chatting. We went out on one more date and then another play ("Cabaret"..) came to the playhouse and she asked if I wanted to go. I texted her and told her that I wanted to spend time with her so I would take her out to dinner if she'd pick up the tickets for the play. The response I get and the conversation that ensues:

Her:"You're a little bit on the tight side aren't you?"
Me: "No, I'm not but I can't really afford fifty to seventy dollars for play tickets right now."
Her: "Well, I love "Cabaret."
Me: "Yes, I know you do and my offer stands: I'll pick up dinner if you can pick up the tickets."

No response, ghosted. Lol

Thoughts?

You asked for "thoughts" so I'm going to give you mine. Take it with a grain of salt.

Yuck.

If I went out on one date with a guy and he spoke about ticket prices I'd probably cut him off...no I'd definitively cut him off.

Sorry.

July 26, 2018

Looking at your text exchanges, I got the feeling that you acted very business like. It almost sounded like someone was negotiating with his plumber

LOL!

Totally.

IDK I guess things might be different now (I'm GenX) but girls didn't pay at least for the first 100 dates.

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