buzz Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I met my boyfriend years ago. He was single and we were great together. His ex hated that he had me and did everything she could to stop it - ultimatums over kids etc. We broke up but he missed me and regretted it so we got back together but let her think he was single. That lasted a few months before it ended. We went no contact for months. Eventually I reached out and he was back with her but we started up again (not proud of that at all) He left her and moved into his own house and we have been great ever since. Everyone in both our lives know us as a couple except her and his children. This has gone on for a few years. We have just ended again as he is scared of how she will react when we tell her about me as she can be violent and abusive and use the children as weapons. When it ended we were both so sad. Both nearly crying and hugging so tight. He keeps apologising and saying he wishes it was different. We are both in pain. We are now NC but I’m hoping the thought of me actually being gone will outweigh his fear of her as when we have had a break in the past he used social media to look me up but now he’s blocked. What should I do? Is there any hope this will shock him and he’ll come round?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I think you need to let him go. This is so beyond unhealthy and dysfunctional, for all involved. Your relationship was never on solid ground, what with the cheating, secrecy, breaks. It's time to recognize that this isn't the man for you.
FMW Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 Expat is right. He needs to man up and deal with the situation with his ex and stop letting her control his life. And you don't need someone that weak and unwilling to put you first.
stillafool Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 How old are his kids? Did he go back to his wife or keep the house?
Author buzz Posted July 24, 2018 Author Posted July 24, 2018 His kids are 7 and 8. He bought his own house after he left her. I know it’s a dysfunctional situation but we felt like we did what we had to do. I don’t doubt he loves me, I just don’t know how to help him have strength.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I just get the feeling he's not being 100% authentic with you. He hid you from her. He says it's to not make her angry. However, when you two broke up before (sounds like he dumped you?), he went back to her during that time. Maybe he went back to her because it was easy, and his kids are there. Maybe. Maybe he wants you both, and has been seeing her on the side. Maybe he's romantically interested in her as well. Either he's very controlled by her, or he still loves her, and is dumping you for her.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 (edited) His kids are 7 and 8. He bought his own house after he left her. I know it’s a dysfunctional situation but we felt like we did what we had to do. I don’t doubt he loves me, I just don’t know how to help him have strength. You can't, really. You tried - it sounds like you acquiesced a lot. At some point, he would have to take control of the situation and be honest about you. You can't do more than you've already done. Given the choice between continuing with you or keeping his ex-wife happy, he went with the latter. That is really all you need to know. He seems to go back to her a little too frequently, so my guess is that he's about to do it again, unfortunately. Edited July 24, 2018 by ExpatInItaly
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