indifferenceiskey Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 (edited) So I posted a thread here regarding getting contacted by my ex a little over 2 weeks ago while she was tipsy to wish me happy birthday early and ask me how I’m doing. She had ghosted me after we had made plans to see each other over two months ago after a few months of ups and downs after the breakup. I ended up brushing off the contact after a day or two of serious contemplation. Realized it wasn’t worth it and it meant nothing, so I got my sh*t together again and called it breadcrumbs. I vowed I would ignore anymore contact I received from her unless it hinted at reconciliation. I let go, I worked on myself, and I’m at a better place emotionally now, but I still have love for this woman despite the things she put me through. I have the world going for me now, but I still love this woman and care for her. I tried seeing other girls, but never connected with anyone like I did with her. Come last week and she calls me twice, late Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning. I couldn’t answer and wouldn’t have anyways, until I read a text from her that said she needed help finding emergency tickets to attend her grandfathers funeral. I tried calling back but couldn’t reach her. So I sent her an email giving her my condolences and telling her I don’t know what she wanted me to help with, but I wish her well. She called me again later that day, but I couldn’t answer so she sent me an email telling me she just wanted my help looking for flights and thanked me for trying to call back, and wondered why I didn’t answer her previous attempts at contact. I replied and told her I couldn’t answer, so she called me then. We talked on the phone, again I gave her my condolences and asked her if she’s ok, it was all small talk, but me being who I am, I was genuinely concerned about her. Yet her tone seemed distant and cold, and at one point she somehow managed to bring up the idea that I was trying to start an argument. I immediately shut that down and told her I have no idea what she’s talking about, I really wasn’t trying to start anything and just ended up telling her let bygones be bygones, as I wasn’t in the mood for whatever she was doing. The call wasn’t about me, it was about her, yet I couldn’t help but feel like she’s only reaching out to me at moments of weakness and trying to reestablish contact, once tipsy and now to ask for a favor she, a friend, or a family member could’ve helped with. Anyways what tipped me over the edge was her telling me she’d reach out to me after she’s back, and I honestly can’t handle having her contact me as a friend as I still have romantic feelings for her, and the fact that she pretends like she did absolutely nothing in the past really is opening up old wounds I’d rather not open, I’ve forgiven her despite never getting an apology and have put the past where it belongs...in the past. I did my hurting and grieved a ton, the wound is just about shut and I didn’t want to open it again. So I did what I thought was best for me, while being respectful and taking into consideration her feelings given the situation, even though I have no obligation to. I told her she has my deepest condolences and that I did not want to send this now, but I have to look out for myself first. That I do not like to see those I care about being upset, and that includes her, so that’s why I answered back. I cannot continue talking to her, and cannot see her as just a friend. That she was my best friend at one point, but also someone I loved. I told her not to contact me until she sorts her feelings out...whatever they may be and to take care. Did I handle this the right way? Because a part of me believes I did, yet another part of me is wracked with guilt and is being torn apart knowing that someone I still care about is probably crying at a funeral and I’m not the shoulder she’s leaning to cry on. That I’m not there to cheer her up and make her happy. Instead I sent her that email, and despite having no obligation to feel bad or be there for her, I still do and want to. The relationship ended 6 months ago and till this day after months of reflection and self improvement, and despite accepting the breakup, I still believe we could’ve easily worked things out then, and the man I have become today would be the man I wish I was then despite the fact that even then I was still happy with who I was, just better now. Edited July 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
ThreeRainbows Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 (edited) Mistake to take the phone call, even though she pulled the "it's an emergency" card. She just wanted your attention. She could have asked someone else, as you pointed out. I wouldn't have given her the "option" of coming back when her feelings are sorted. She doesn't deserve the choice. YOU should be the one deciding if she could come back, as she left and hurt you. She should be the one apologizing. Best thing to do from here on out? Full no contact. Block her. No phone calls, no emails, nothing, not even for a "hint" at reconciliation. If she shows up on your doorstep begging for forgiveness, or you get a long handwritten letter in the mail expressing genuine remorse, then you get to make the choice. GL! Edited July 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of starting post
Author indifferenceiskey Posted July 25, 2018 Author Posted July 25, 2018 (edited) Mistake to take the phone call, even though she pulled the "it's an emergency" card. She just wanted your attention. She could have asked someone else, as you pointed out. I wouldn't have given her the "option" of coming back when her feelings are sorted. She doesn't deserve the choice. YOU should be the one deciding if she could come back, as she left and hurt you. She should be the one apologizing. Best thing to do from here on out? Full no contact. Block her. No phone calls, no emails, nothing, not even for a "hint" at reconciliation. If she shows up on your doorstep begging for forgiveness, or you get a long handwritten letter in the mail expressing genuine remorse, then you get to make the choice. GL! Thanks for taking the time to reply ThreeRainbows. I know I shouldn’t have replied, but I couldn’t help it. I still care about this woman despite her doing me so wrong. I even thought of contacting her twice over the course of the last week to ask how she’s doing, but I just constantly shove that idea away knowing it’s a bad one. It’s just in my nature to care about someone I shared something good with at one point in my life, and it just scares me to get to a point where this person I loved just becomes a distant memory and someone I’m indifferent about. She may have done that, but maybe that’s just who she is. Me on the other hand I don’t take the feelings I’ve developed for someone lightly, I don’t love easy and when I do it’s hard to let go of that love. Yes I can let go of that person, move on, and accept the end of the relationship, but the love and care don’t just disappear. The fact that I also believe that we didn’t give he relationship enough time and feel like there’s still a lot more in store for us makes it all the more difficult. I was doing good during the last two months, I really did accept things for the way they unfolded and forgave her for the ghosting and the disrespect, but her reaching out again just put me in a confused state and I know going no contact is the only option, but there’s still a part of me that feels guilt no matter how much she hurt me. Edited July 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Normm Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 Thanks for taking the time to reply ThreeRainbows. I know I shouldn’t have replied, but I couldn’t help it. Taking the call was not a good way to handle it. You asked, the question was answered. What more are you looking for? If you can't control your actions then you've got much bigger issues. Without question you should block her via any and all means possible given your lack of self control. Otherwise you're not much better than a puppet and she's pulling the strings.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 I wouldn't go that harsh on him. He's just like the rest of us, learning. We don't come with manuals, you know. Don't be down on yourself. You seem like an awesome dude, and I wish I could meet a guy like you. Sure, you can work on your self-respect more. Make sure you get all of the residual feelings out so that you're not tempted to give her attention no matter what. You don't need someone in your life who would treat you like a toy that can be discarded. Good luck.
Author indifferenceiskey Posted July 25, 2018 Author Posted July 25, 2018 Normm this is a public forum where people facing varying issues reach out to willing strangers for advice and understanding as many of them have gone through similar scenarios or understand the situation better than others, I personally take no offense to your reply nor do I want you to sugar coat anything. Yet understand that many who come on here do so to cope and seek advice for difficult situations or to get some kind of understanding as they cannot rationally understand said situation. My issue wasn’t a question of controlling my actions, my issue is that of feeling conflicted as rationally ignoring the call would’ve been the solution, yet emotionally I still cared for her and have feelings for her. Instead of reaching out to her, I vent on here and ask advice for those willing to give me advice to the situation. Anyways thank you. Thank you ThreeRainbows, I’m not down I’m just worried about the situation, and it’s not a matter of self respect. I have dealt with the feelings of loss, rejection, and hurt, and I have always loved myself for who I am. There’s room for improvement always, and that’s what I have done over the past few months. I just reflect on this week and feel like I’m numbing my feelings and emotions subconsciously and I’m afraid I lose my identity. I’m naturally a caring and selfless person, but I worry I might lose that while getting rid of those residual feelings. Although the feelings aren’t that intense anymore and the hurt has subsided, I still have feelings for her. I’m worried that the harder I try to push the idea of her away the more I lose touch with my feelings. I know ceasing contact again is the best choice, but I’m curious as to what her intentions are after everything that has happened. I honestly never expected to hear from her again and I was ok with that, but the situation has changed now and a part of me knows that her pride and ego is letting her act the way she is and she’s just afraid and insecure in being direct with me.
CantTakeMySmile Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 Taking the phone call may or may not have been the best action. But? You did. That is fact. And can not be changed. Now- it is up to you, and only you, to decide where you want to go from here. All you can do is to weigh your options and decide what is best For you at this moment, and then react. I promise you when you get hurt enough, this won’t even be an issue. But, I hope you make the decision that will allow you to stay away from the hurt. You know what that decision is.
Normm Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 I just reflect on this week and feel like I’m numbing my feelings and emotions subconsciously and I’m afraid I lose my identity. I’m naturally a caring and selfless person, but I worry I might lose that while getting rid of those residual feelings. Although the feelings aren’t that intense anymore and the hurt has subsided, I still have feelings for her. I’m worried that the harder I try to push the idea of her away the more I lose touch with my feelings. This song is definitely for you. A winter’s day In a deep and dark December I am alone Gazing from my window To the streets below On a freshly fallen, silent shroud of snow I am a rock I am an island I’ve built walls A fortress, steep and mighty That none may penetrate I have no need of friendship Friendship causes pain It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain I am a rock I am an island Don’t talk of love Well, I’ve heard the words before It’s sleeping in my memory And I won’t disturb the slumber Of feelings that have died If I never loved, I never would have cried I am a rock I am an island I have my books And my poetry to protect me I am shielded in my armor Hiding in my room Safe within my womb I touch no one and no one touches me I am a rock I am an island And a rock feels no pain And an island never cries -Simon and Garfunkel - I Am a Rock
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