Mx12345 Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I am curious about others interaction with their SO's phone. I see many posts on here regarding "we have access to each others phones" "I was looking at her phone the other day" "I saw on his phone this girl texted him" etc. How many people dating have access to their SO's phones? And what phone habits raise red flags? My boyfriend often keeps his phone on silent around me. Ill see something pop up on his screen when were together occasionally, but his phone wont make a sound. Mostly this is when we are in the car, or sitting on the couch watching tv, and at night. However sometimes I will have just come over and his phone will be in the kitchen and I will hear it go off. So why have it on silent sometimes? Is this a thing? He also told me recently he has my number saved to a certain sound so he knows its me when it goes off. Why do this? I know he has a code on his phone, or he uses the finger print. So how do other people have such easy access to their partners phone? Is it normal that my boyfriend and I do not use each others phones? I do trust him mostly, but I have been cheated on in past relationships that I think have damaged me to the point where I'm not sure I will ever fully trust another person. (To give some background my ex bfs mom was dying, eventually in hospice before her death, and my boyfriend would go 12-14 hours without returning texts, saying he was at the hospital all day with his mom, which of course I believed. Right before she passed away, I found out on four separate occasions he drove an hour and a half to go to his ex gf's house and have sex/be with her all day, then tell me he was at this hospital. so yeah I'm pretty damaged.) How does conversations like that even come up, "hey can I use your phone?" What about the fact that phones have the fingerprint access now? I don't feel the need to search my boyfriends phone, but I see so many posts that mention having access to partners phones, and I'm curious if that's normal now days?
CollegeKid101 Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I am curious about others interaction with their SO's phone. I see many posts on here regarding "we have access to each others phones" "I was looking at her phone the other day" "I saw on his phone this girl texted him" etc. How many people dating have access to their SO's phones? And what phone habits raise red flags? My boyfriend often keeps his phone on silent around me. Ill see something pop up on his screen when were together occasionally, but his phone wont make a sound. Mostly this is when we are in the car, or sitting on the couch watching tv, and at night. However sometimes I will have just come over and his phone will be in the kitchen and I will hear it go off. So why have it on silent sometimes? Is this a thing? He also told me recently he has my number saved to a certain sound so he knows its me when it goes off. Why do this? I know he has a code on his phone, or he uses the finger print. So how do other people have such easy access to their partners phone? Is it normal that my boyfriend and I do not use each others phones? I do trust him mostly, but I have been cheated on in past relationships that I think have damaged me to the point where I'm not sure I will ever fully trust another person. (To give some background my ex bfs mom was dying, eventually in hospice before her death, and my boyfriend would go 12-14 hours without returning texts, saying he was at the hospital all day with his mom, which of course I believed. Right before she passed away, I found out on four separate occasions he drove an hour and a half to go to his ex gf's house and have sex/be with her all day, then tell me he was at this hospital. so yeah I'm pretty damaged.) How does conversations like that even come up, "hey can I use your phone?" What about the fact that phones have the fingerprint access now? I don't feel the need to search my boyfriends phone, but I see so many posts that mention having access to partners phones, and I'm curious if that's normal now days? Is it common? Yes. Because people who have trust issues/are insecure in their relationship do it. OR they have good reason to do it, your gut is usually right. I would say people who do it know they're going to find something. Is it normal? No, if you're relationship is good you should not have to check someone's phone.
Gaeta Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 My BF phone has a password and it's on silence most of the time. I don't care. I don't need to know what he does with his phone, he doesn't care about what is on mine. There is no secrecy between us, if his phone is down I'll offer mine and he'll do the same for me but we don't go browse in each others phone. Our relationship is fullfilling so we don't think of looking for things to pick at. I was cheated on in the past as well. I have learn I cannot control a boyfriend to cheat or not. If he does then he does and I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I am not going to look for things to worry about. Cheaters always make a faux-pas eventually and get caught. That day I'll break up with him and life will go on. 6
Author Mx12345 Posted July 24, 2018 Author Posted July 24, 2018 I was cheated on in the past as well. I have learn I cannot control a boyfriend to cheat or not. If he does then he does and I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I am not going to look for things to worry about. Cheaters always make a faux-pas eventually and get caught. That day I'll break up with him and life will go on. This! This thought mentality gets me through most days. But occasionally I’ll have a bad day and the negative thoughts will win the best of me that day. Most days I will see his phone going off and I won’t give two cares who it is and what it’s about. But every once in awhile his phone will be going off mixed in with some random comment he made earlier that probably meant nothing but I’ll over analyze it and I’ll think back to the guy who used his dying mom as an alibi to cheat. I try really hard to control it.
basil67 Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 Silent phones are less annoying. Having different call/message tones tell us how important an incoming call is. Partner/kids/work may have a different ring tone to people who aren't so important. Most of the time my phone is unlocked, but I also trust hubby to not spy on my history. He's got free access to my PC and vice verca. It's done for convenience - not for transparency. 1
MajesticUnicorn Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 Idk, back when I was in a serious relationship we had each other’s passcodes. I was younger and immature and distrusting and sadly did find things I didn’t want to see. Not cheating, but just talking poorly about me. That definitely has fueled my general insecurity and distrust of men. Couple that with being cheated on by different guys, and yeah I tend to have my doubts. That being said, I hope that when I find the right person there won’t be a need to look through their phone. There will just be trust between us that I won’t have to worry or doubt. Also, my phone is almost always on silent. Sometimes the ringer is on if I accidentally hit the button. So I wouldn’t think too much about his phone randomly being silent at times.
Highndry Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I almost always have my phone on mute when I'm with a gf or dating. That being said, if somebody is being secretive with their phone or computer, MAJOR RED FLAG. 3
Echo74 Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I've never had the pw for my ex (together over 20 years) or son. Don't feel the need to. I've never had trust issues and never will. I trust until there's a real reason not to. There's enough to worry about...at least for me.
Gaeta Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 . Most days I will see his phone going off and I won’t give two cares who it is and what it’s about. But every once in awhile his phone will be going off mixed in with some random comment he made earlier that probably meant nothing but I’ll over analyze it and I’ll think back to the guy who used his dying mom as an alibi to cheat. I try really hard to control it. What are those random comments that sometimes set your alarm?
Els Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I honestly think you need to work on your anxiety as an individual, rather than focusing on these things in your relationship. You are going to drive your relationship into the wall if you carry on this way. I say this with the best possible intentions - work on your anxiety, everything else will follow. I like to keep my phone on silent when I can, especially if we are out on a date. I don't like random messages or calls disturbing me at that time. It has NOTHING to do with cheating and everything to do with just wanting some peace and quiet. I also have my partner on a special list so that his calls actually ring when other callers would be silenced. Again, this is a POSITIVE thing and nothing to do with cheating - it's called making him a priority! If my partner jumped to cheating conclusions because of this, I would seriously reconsider my relationship with him. The SO and I have access to each other's everything, but it's not really something that was consciously done. It's just a byproduct of having lived together for years. Sometimes you need your SO to check your messages when you're cooking, or you're bathing and the grocery deliveries are here and they're calling, or you're traveling and need them to check something on your computer, etc.
stillafool Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I think those who have access to each other's phones are married. Otherwise, I don't see the point.
Kelliousme Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I don't agree that having access to SO's phone is a sign of insecurity. I know my boyfriend's password and he knows mine. It's just for times when I don't have my phone and I want to use his or vice versa. He has a better phone camera than mine so I use his phone more often when I want to take pictures. I think it's totally fine to know each other's password as long as you trust each other. I would never read his messages because that's like invading his privacy. I also trust that he wouldn't read my messages because he trusts me as well. And well, If I "accidentally" see that a girl has messaged him something out of the ordinary, I would ask him and he'd actually show me the messages himself. 1
kendahke Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I don't want access to his phone. I don't need it. I have a phone. I don't need to snoop... my intuition is fine tuned like a radar and I act on that and live with the consequences, which have always broken in my favor. 1
smackie9 Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I think those who have access to each other's phones are married. Otherwise, I don't see the point. Nope not this girl. I don't look at his laptop, his social media, nothing. We don't share pws....we don't share our phones, none of that. No reason to.
Gaeta Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I think those who have access to each other's phones are married. Otherwise, I don't see the point. My parents have been married 50 years and my mom would flip on my dad if he'd want her FB or phone password lol 2
BaileyB Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 My parents have been married 50 years and my mom would flip on my dad if he'd want her FB or phone password lol Lol. There are some things that even in a marriage of 50 years, stay personal. 1
CantTakeMySmile Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I feel I must be completely different than most people here. When in a relationship, I don't mind at all if someone has my password. I have nothing to hide. IT is a convenience thing. When I am with her, I don't always feel the need to carry my phone. When we go out, we usually just take one phone. (Nothing is usually THAT important that it can't wait until we get back.) IT is not like we will be on our phones when we are out together anyway. I don't know. I don't think it is odd to share a phone. I do that it is odd to keep phone calls and text secret. If someone texts me, I will say, "Hey, it is xxxx. they want to know if we are coming..." or things like that. I wouldn't password my phone at all if it weren't for strangers and losing it. 2
Gaeta Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I don't have a password on my phone or laptop but if I had one I would not like my bf to 'request' it. If I want to offer it to him for convenience sure but I would not share my passwords with a bf that feels he needs to check on me from time to time.
Els Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I feel I must be completely different than most people here. When in a relationship, I don't mind at all if someone has my password. I have nothing to hide. IT is a convenience thing. When I am with her, I don't always feel the need to carry my phone. When we go out, we usually just take one phone. (Nothing is usually THAT important that it can't wait until we get back.) IT is not like we will be on our phones when we are out together anyway. I don't know. I don't think it is odd to share a phone. I do that it is odd to keep phone calls and text secret. If someone texts me, I will say, "Hey, it is xxxx. they want to know if we are coming..." or things like that. I wouldn't password my phone at all if it weren't for strangers and losing it. Yeah, I should probably password-protect mine at some point... It's really inconvenient though, and I can remotely deactivate my phone if I lose it, so I'll take the tradeoff.
stillafool Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 Nope not this girl. I don't look at his laptop, his social media, nothing. We don't share pws....we don't share our phones, none of that. No reason to. I don't look at my husband's either, hell I barely look or use mine. But I think if access is allowed you should be married to each other or in a serious relationship.
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 You either trust or you don't. Having passwords & access to the phone is not trust. It may be transparency but if you really have to look, there are problems. It's one of those you want to know you are "allowed" to look if you asked but because you know that you don't need to. It's like the other day DH & I were going to a State Park. He's a Veteran. I asked if Vet's were free. The forrest ranger said yes, with proof of Veteran's status. We showed her his ID & then paid her the parking / entrance fee. I just wanted to know it was free; I didn't need it to be. 1
Blanco Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I think it's weird. I've got nothing to hide, but I still don't like people handling my phone. It feels like an invasion of privacy. Just because I'm dating someone doesn't mean they get unchecked access to every nuance of my life. 3
Rockdad Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 We read and hear of many couple problems whether married, dating or living together over phone and social media access. Be it out of insecurity, the need to know, snoop or some self appointed right to monitor a SO. Do we really need one more complication in a relationship to help make more relationship work and suck the life out of it? Dang that sounds like fun doesn't it? My wife and I both lived with people that were just plain jobs to be and deal with. The "I don't care" approach and along with the respecting each others personal things is a peaceful way to live. What is the "I don't care?" When she and a mutual guy friend are texting back and forth last night I don't care. It was quite lengthy. I still don't care. What could they possibly be texting so much about? Once again I don't care and it works the other way as well. I will confess the only thing I cared somewhat about was her phone wasn't on silent. Waaay to many text chirps for me.
smackie9 Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I think it's weird. I've got nothing to hide, but I still don't like people handling my phone. It feels like an invasion of privacy. Just because I'm dating someone doesn't mean they get unchecked access to every nuance of my life. I agree with this^^^^I feel there's less hassle. Keep life simple, stay out of everyone's biz. 1
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