Started on a friendly note but now things turned ugly

[JenRochester0594]

A little about myself: I am going to be a 2nd year experimental psychology master's student at this small university in the midwest after this summer. I have little experiences with dating due to strict parents both during high school and college.

 

My experience: Last year, I entered this well-funded experimental psychology master's program to study attention. Most of the master program's students work one-on-one with their assigned faculty adviser but there is another person working with my adviser when I entered the program. This other graduate student was a guy and at first, I thought he was really friendly and helpful and we even dated for a bit but a little less than a month later, I realized that wasn't the real him.

 

He decided to break things off with me because his "thesis" was more important and that he always got a lot of things going on with my adviser. I was getting more and more upset with him day by day to a point that I almost dropped out of the program. My adviser was not understanding at all and even sided with that graduate student, thinking I'm just mentally disturbed and attention-seeking. But no, he was changing so much- like talking in an arrogant manner, always finding reasons to do other things instead of hanging with me like we did a month ago (note this was September 2017).

 

He started drinking a lot and went on this website where introverts meet each other. When i went home for break, my parents noticed a change in my emotion and wondered if my adviser or the graduate student has anything to do with it. During December, I nearly thought that my relationship with that graduate student would deteriorate to a point that we would no longer talk to each other despite seeing each other everyday. However, things took a turn for good after spring break. He wanted to hang out with me more and even wanted me to stay with him for the night sometimes.

 

I thought he was going back to his old self- possibly even getting back with me. There was still a little fight here and there but overall, I was happy. Even during the summer, we talked and texted almost daily but that came a halt last Thursday- I called him wanting to talk to him before I started work. He sounded annoyed and from his tone, I can tell he didn't want to talk to me. However, he insisted that he was fine. I tried to avoid his unfriendly tone but it was no use. He started using that arrogant tone again and that just made me mad. He informed me that he was going to keep in touch with my adviser and possibly collaborate despite going for his PhD at this university in Illinois.

 

I got mad and informed him that he wasn't going to have time and besides, I was going to start doing my thesis and my adviser is going to have to spend a lot of time working on that with me. Him possibly collaborating with my adviser is going to slow down the progression of my thesis. During his first year, he was spending a lot of time with my adviser and for me, that wasn't the case. If he keeps in touch with my adviser, it's almost going to be like he never left. Even during his second year, my adviser still worked and met with him a lot more than she did with me. I hung up the phone after talking to him for ten minutes.

 

I was upset, he didn't care. He never called me back. Just today, i deleted his phone number so I could better. Even my mom believes that this graduate student is just going to hurt me more emotionally if keep in touch with him.

 

My question is- should I just forget about this guy and pretend that my first year never happened?

Edited July 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[kendahke]

My question is- should I just forget about this guy

 

Yes. You're not there to find a boyfriend. You're there to get your master's. He's right--his (and your) thesis is more important than a relationship and you need to get that straight before you end up tossed out of the program because you can't stay in your lane. I'm surprised your advisor hasn't said that you need to focus on the work and quit worrying about what he's doing. I would have.

 

and pretend that my first year never happened?

 

Only children pretend.

 

The first year happened. Nothing changes that. You didn't get a relationship on your terms out of one guy who is not your world unless you've made him your God on earth.

[stillafool]

I agree with Kendahke; just worry about your Master's and forget men until that is complete. He is there to work on getting his Master's and he's right what he is doing is more important than you. I'm surprised you don't have the same mindset.

Edited July 24, 2018 by stillafool

[JenRochester0594]

I should let both of you guys know that I have an excellent GPA at graduate school. Enough for me to get into PhD. My grades did not suffer because of this graduate student. During early June, he visited me in my city and we did a lot of fun stuffs together. It was great. He even told me that he's sorry for yelling and picking fights with me while we were in the program together and that he truly likes me. To me- that phone call was a shock. And for my advisor- she doesn't care. She's scatterbrained at everything. I had to rely on my family for emotional support during that period of time in order to be on track.

[stillafool]

Well good for you. Maybe he isn't where you are and needs to work harder. He is right to step away in order to do what he must to complete his program. Now is not the time for distractions of any kind.

[smackie9]

IMO you should only depend on your family for support because they know you best, and that is a great advantage than some stranger....like us lol. My take on it is: you got a little butt hurt from being rejected that is all. You must watch out for the ego, it gives you a false sense of confidence sometimes. Just because you find yourself highly intelligent doesn't make you invincible...you are human just like the rest of us.

[stillafool]

Wait! Are you jealous of the Advisor?

[Lotsgoingon]

Multiple ways to look at this ... some already stated here.

 

One ... uh ... there is no requirement that we get along with a labmate in graduate school. You will encounter other people like this.

 

Him talking arrogantly is not the same as him undermining you. I sorta see blatant undercutting and undermining as the bright line you don't want to cross.

 

I just see a moody guy ... unpredictable ... who for whatever reason you're giving a lot of focus to. Your job is not to please him.

 

Have you talked to other graduate students? ... In your program and outside of your program? Have you talked about your issues with classmate with the advisor?

 

Another way to look at this ... is that you were in a relationship with this guy ... he broke it off and you still have some feelings for him ... and thus interacting with him and his shifting moods throw you for a loop. In that case, you need to go No Contact. And so to go No Contact with this guy, you would find another adviser, another project ... or you'd transfer schools.

 

You don't need to "pretend" the first year didn't happen. No doubt you learned a lot during that year. No waste if you have to go to another school.

[kendahke]

I should let both of you guys know that I have an excellent GPA at graduate school. Enough for me to get into PhD. My grades did not suffer because of this graduate student.

 

 

 

I had to rely on my family for emotional support during that period of time in order to be on track.

 

 

Those two statements are in conflict with one another.

 

 

if you need this much emotional supporting, you need to find someone who isn't quite so laser focused on meeting his own expectations for his life.

Dude ain't that one. I'd expect this in a college freshman, not someone who is what you've described yourself being.

[JenRochester0594]

Multiple ways to look at this ... some already stated here.

 

One ... uh ... there is no requirement that we get along with a labmate in graduate school. You will encounter other people like this.

 

Him talking arrogantly is not the same as him undermining you. I sorta see blatant undercutting and undermining as the bright line you don't want to cross.

 

I just see a moody guy ... unpredictable ... who for whatever reason you're giving a lot of focus to. Your job is not to please him.

 

Have you talked to other graduate students? ... In your program and outside of your program? Have you talked about your issues with classmate with the advisor?

 

Another way to look at this ... is that you were in a relationship with this guy ... he broke it off and you still have some feelings for him ... and thus interacting with him and his shifting moods throw you for a loop. In that case, you need to go No Contact. And so to go No Contact with this guy, you would find another adviser, another project ... or you'd transfer schools.

 

You don't need to "pretend" the first year didn't happen. No doubt you learned a lot during that year. No waste if you have to go to another school.

 

Just to let you know, I did speak about the issue with one faculty member (who is like a mother to me outside of class) and she was pretty concerned. Although she didn't go talk to him about it because she didn't know him that well. Like I said in my post, my adviser didn't want to hear about it because she's here to teach me, that's the only reason. I only talked about this to that faculty member. This is because students (no matter how old you are) still gossip and spread words around. This really is going to tarnish his reputation in the department, at least that's what he said.

 

And earlier, I blocked his phone number and unfriended him so I could forget about him.

[coolheadal]

Just to let you know, I did speak about the issue with one faculty member (who is like a mother to me outside of class) and she was pretty concerned. Although she didn't go talk to him about it because she didn't know him that well. Like I said in my post, my adviser didn't want to hear about it because she's here to teach me, that's the only reason. I only talked about this to that faculty member. This is because students (no matter how old you are) still gossip and spread words around. This really is going to tarnish his reputation in the department, at least that's what he said.

 

And earlier, I blocked his phone number and unfriended him so I could forget about him.

 

Don't worry about being tarnish as it not so important today. You need to get your master and do what it takes to get that. Forget about that guy as he is not going to be there you it's all about whoever makes the grade. Remember that. The key to success it the know your competition. You have that advantage now so use it and make the grade stick in your mind. Good luck.. Be confident in yourself as in life that is what counts the most! Only you can achieve your goals and objectives! Make it count my dear!

[act00]

You started dating, he was interested, and then he realized you weren't the one and was no longer interested in pursuing anything further. He was short and moody with you to push you away, but you didn't take the hint. He eventually broke it off. You fought it, naturally, we all do until we realize that it's over. He's not into you. It hurts. This guy seems like he's okay keeping you on the back burner until he has the time or inclination. This keeps you off kilter for sure. Stop pursuing him. It's done. It hurts, but move on.

 

You seem to have some issues with your adviser. Are you suspecting those two have a romantic relationship going on? That's a conflict of interest, don't you think?

 

You don't get to pick who your exboyfriend collaborates with (whatever that means) or continues to keep under his belt for his professional goals and future. If you feel like your adviser doesn't have the time for you, particularly if it revolves around this ex, can you seek a new adviser or at least get guidance and assistance from other advisers? I mean, this woman decided, along with your ex, that you were mentally disturbed and attention seeking...I'm kind of wondering how this relationship is going to work out with that opinion of you, and especially if those two have an affair or fling going on.

 

Keep your professional career separate from your personal life. You'll have close friends you can talk to, but don't trash talk your ex (and colleague) to other colleagues...it's bad form and you don't want to burn bridges either. Don't expect other colleagues to "have a talk" with your boyfriend either. I don't know what you were expecting this "mom" faculty member to do. This isn't junior high. This is precisely why dating within the workplace can be a slippery slope.

 

You got dumped. It hurts. This guy has run hot and cold and has confused you. It hurts. Time to move on. Concentrate on your career and goals. Guys come and go. This one is not a keeper.

[stillafool]

Yes, listen to act00 as this is spot on. You were rejected by him and it hurts. Rejection always hurts but you can move on from this with no contact.