bmow Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 Before I get into the details of my story, let me just say that I'm both relieved and beside myself to have found a place to unload everything that I've otherwise kept buried due to the nature of my situation. Spent too long in my head, running over scenarios and wavering between conviction and uncertainty. My fingers are trembling as I type. I'm an OW - unmarried, no kids and involved with a MM. We met during a group trip; he was a friend of a friend and attended without his spouse. There was an instant connection, one that I was hesitant to acknowledge due to his marital status, until he came to me alone and poured out his heart, bringing everything to light that I was in denial about. I resisted at first, wrote off his confession as drunkenness, which I now figure made the chase all the more exciting for him. After we went our separate ways post trip, he texted me a couple days later and asked if I wanted him not to message me anymore. I regret now for saying no. In that moment, I feel, I lost all moral credibility. Perhaps, despite my conscience telling me not to get involved, I wanted to believe the things he said to me were true. From that point onward I embraced the situation and my emotional attachment to this man, the morbid excitement of an A (something I've never been a part of before), and everything else that followed as a result. Whatever promises you can imagine a man in his position could/would make to secure his relationship with me, he made. Poems, proclaiming me his soulmate, you name it. He also assured me that he is in a loveless marriage and that he has plans to get a D. If I had fears, he'd do whatever necessary to quell them. If I needed money, he'd provide. Near constant exchange of messages and assurances are made when we aren't meeting one day out of the week to engage in intimate acts. This has been going on for almost four months. Lately though I find I'm not happy, or satisfied. I only glow for the day that follows our meetings, but the dread quickly seeps back in and I'm reminded of the superficiality of our relationship. No confidence exists in him, let alone myself, and I find myself dwelling on things I have no control over like whether he maintains a physical relationship with his wife or not. Keeping hyperbusy during the day to stave off the inevitable sadness has been my only source of comfort, as well as avoiding answering his messages right away to facilitate the illusion that I have a modicum of control. I want to end it, and have prompted 'we need to talk' conversations numerous of times already. When it gets down to it, however, I lose my conviction and don't follow through. Thoughts like whether I should give him more time and that I ought to be there for him sways my judgment. I recognize though that underneath all the denial I am a fool for believing that this will lead to anything but heartache. My integrity has been tainted and even if he does get a D, I doubt I'd be a woman he'd want to marry after all. So, I ask you what am I to do. My weakness prevents me from putting a stop to this A, and my attempts to speak to him less frequently have proven unsuccessful. I need guidance.
What_Did_I_Do Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 Well, the answer is easy - block and walk. Executing that is a WHOLE lot more difficult. OP, your 'unhappiness' isn't even close to the end. Many of us here have lost our souls, have come close to or attempted suicide, abandoned friends and family because we just can't leave our phones for one minute, or look our loved ones in the eyes knowing that we've sunk to such a hopeless level of existence. From what you've written you are still pretty thick in the affair fog. Unfortunately you're going to have to drop face first into the bottom of the pit before you can even start to get your bearings and begin to climb out. This MM will tell you everything you need to hear to get you to stay within his grasp. Everything. But he will follow through on nothing. Read the stories here on LS. The theme is always the same. You have to want to get out as a form of survival. Life and death. Because, yeah, it can get way worse. Choose you. 5
FMW Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I agree with What_Did_I_Do. It's so very hard to end it, but it only gets harder to get out the longer you wait.
NomiMalone Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 By ending it, you are taking back your control and power. It's far better to be the one to walk away than for him to one day possibly leave you, or to be found out, or ghosted, or to discover that there were other OW. There's something to be said for quitting while you're still ahead. I'm a (former) OW too. Sending courage and hugs.
Author bmow Posted July 24, 2018 Author Posted July 24, 2018 Thank you for the support, it’s much appreciated. I’ve known that I had to end it for a while, but actually doing so has been a matter of great difficulty. I’ve been torn about whether I should confront him with this now or wait because, to him, I’d be blindsiding him (and how ironic is it that I feel guilty)...
FMW Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 There is no reason to wait. He knows, because of the nature of your relationship, that you might choose to end it. He may act hurt and surprised, but believe me, he knows where things stand. The guilt is normal because you truly care about him and don't want to hurt him. But it's misplaced. The very fact that he keeps you on the side, as a secret, is disrespectful and showing a lack of care for you. You don't owe him more than he's giving you. I'm not sure how long you've been involved with him, but don't wait any longer. After over 3 years together my MM has recently ghosted me, I'm assuming he's trying hard to focus on his wife. He was separated for the first two years we were together so we spent long weekends together, spent several nights a week together, took trips together. We helped each other through emotionally tough time in our lives. He told me how important I was to him, constantly told me how much he loved me. He talked about ending his marriage and being fully with me. But suddenly he's MIA, no "sorry we have to end this", just silence. I truly believe he loves me, but it just doesn't matter. He, like most MM, is not going to end his marriage. So I'm left alone to heal my broken heart and move on, while he has her. As long as he's married and keeping you a secret, you don't owe him anything. Protect and care for yourself, because when he has to make a choice it probably won't be you and you'll be left alone to pick up the pieces. Start healing now and look forward to a relationship with a man in the future who will be happy to share his life openly with you. I know from personal experience that reading all these posts will be helpful in getting your head straight, but that ultimately until you're ready to pull the plug you'll keep hanging in there. So my wish for you is clarity and strength. 1
MidnightBlue1980 Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 Thank you for the support, it’s much appreciated. I’ve known that I had to end it for a while, but actually doing so has been a matter of great difficulty. I’ve been torn about whether I should confront him with this now or wait because, to him, I’d be blindsiding him (and how ironic is it that I feel guilty)... Give no warning. Any warning will only allow him to manipulate you into feeling that you are wrong to abandon him. He will tell you how terrible you are and guilt the crap out of you. Trust me, if/when his wife finds out, he will drop you like a bad habit and feel zero guilt or remorse towards your feelings. He'll say you need to just get over it, that you knew he was married, etc. That is the way these things go. 1
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