When you see your ex talking with someone new...

[ShutUpAndDance123]

I'll try to keep it short, he and I (f) dated for several months and he broke it off because he just wasn't in a place for a serious relationship. Months later now, we have spoken irregularly and he's the one always reaching out to check in on me. He recently added me to his social media and had been reaching out a lot lately to my surprise. Even posted a funny picture on his account that I sent him. The following day I saw he posted conversations of him and another woman on a dating website. I guess he was trying to make a funny in his conversations online and wanted to show all his friends. It hit me like a ton of bricks. My feelings for him never really faded and I've tried to move on. I tried getting back to just chatting with guys too, but it was only to distract myself and I never wanted to meet them so I would hop from chat to chat, feeling empty inside.

 

 

I had a feeling he had put himself back out there but to see it blatantly in my face tore me up inside. I cried on my lunch break, which is when I saw it. I can't escape it anymore, and I don't think I'm ready to be friends with him. When we talk we joke and laugh like old times. It's been good until now, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't love him still. I want to believe he didn't post it to hurt me, being the dumpee, but he knew I'd see it and probably wouldn't have found it funny. To me it was crazy insensitive, but to him it probably meant nothing. After all, he broke up with me months ago. I'm hurting all over again... And I still love him and wish I'd met him when he was in a place for something serious. But that's not reality. I know I need to cut off contact. How can I express to him? Should I even say anything? I know he'll reach out to chat again at some point. I don't want to be drastic, just honest with himself. It's breaking my heart again.

[stillafool]

This is why it is best to go strict NC when someone breaks up with you and you still have feelings. He probably isn't aware of your pain because he's over it and thinks you are too and now you guys are friends. He broke up with you so he is not worthy of your friendship or to still have you in his life. This time act as if he is dead.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

As painful as that must have been to see, perhaps this happened for a reason?

 

Now you know that you still have feelings for your ex and that being friends is going to be really confusing and painful. I'm sure there was part of you that hoped this recent attention means something. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

 

For what it is worth, I don't think he posted that to hurt you. At a guess I would say he was completely oblivious to the idea that it would even matter, which speaks volumes. To him, it appears that you are simply friends now.

 

By accepting his offer of friendship, you need to be confident that seeing or hearing about him with other women isn't going to hurt you. To be honest, I'm not sure a friendship is worth it if you are secretly hoping for more or asking yourself why he picked the new woman over you.

 

What you have to decide is what you really want or need in your life right now. It might be healthier for you to let go or at least have a break from each other until the thought of him with another woman doesn't burn you up inside.

[preraph]

He hasn't asked you out since you broke up, right? So you know he's not trying to get back together with you. He's just one of those people who didn't want someone to hate him forever. You're going to have to block him and decide to move past him. I don't see why you'd tell him your feelings. You're broken up and he's dating others, which is what you should do. Stop looking at his social media and make yourself move on. If you can love him, you can love others.

[ShutUpAndDance123]

He hasn't asked you out since you broke up, right? So you know he's not trying to get back together with you. He's just one of those people who didn't want someone to hate him forever. You're going to have to block him and decide to move past him. I don't see why you'd tell him your feelings. You're broken up and he's dating others, which is what you should do. Stop looking at his social media and make yourself move on. If you can love him, you can love others.

 

We tried a few months ago to meet up but he changed his mind, citing it'd be too hard and he wasn't ready to see me in person because he was still attracted to me but didn't want to use me in that way. But he's fine communicating with me at a distance. Probably his way of putting up his own boundaries. He apologized but no, he hasnt asked me to see him since.

[ShutUpAndDance123]

As painful as that must have been to see, perhaps this happened for a reason?

 

Now you know that you still have feelings for your ex and that being friends is going to be really confusing and painful. I'm sure there was part of you that hoped this recent attention means something. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

 

For what it is worth, I don't think he posted that to hurt you. At a guess I would say he was completely oblivious to the idea that it would even matter, which speaks volumes. To him, it appears that you are simply friends now.

 

By accepting his offer of friendship, you need to be confident that seeing or hearing about him with other women isn't going to hurt you. To be honest, I'm not sure a friendship is worth it if you are secretly hoping for more or asking yourself why he picked the new woman over you.

 

What you have to decide is what you really want or need in your life right now. It might be healthier for you to let go or at least have a break from each other until the thought of him with another woman doesn't burn you up inside.

 

Him reaching out left me so confused, I even mistook it to mean something more than it was because he was so eager to talk to me every day when we hadn't spoken in a month prior. It was like old times again, with our weird jokes.

 

It's not like he has a shortage of friends so I guess I feel a little foolish when I saw that conversation he posted online. Like a kick to the chest.

 

How do I tell him I can't be in contact right now?! Do I even mention his post with the woman and how it triggered me? I know this means letting go and losing each other possibly forever. Makes me so sad to think that way. But I can't pretend anymore that him dating others doesn't make me feel like runner up.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Honestly, no I wouldn't tell him. He isn't going to understand. The best he will do is hide his involvement with other women, which will lead you to the false conclusion that he is available to you and focusing all his attention on you. It will give you the wrong idea.

 

I understand how you are feeling and it is so easy to get caught in that trap because you will continue to talk to each other the same way you used to because you got on well. The only difference is to him you are in the friendszone.

 

If he reaches out again, then that would be the right time to say that you aren't ready to be friends just yet and ask for some space.

 

It's your call.

[ShutUpAndDance123]

Honestly, no I wouldn't tell him. He isn't going to understand. The best he will do is hide his involvement with other women, which will lead you to the false conclusion that he is available to you and focusing all his attention on you. It will give you the wrong idea.

 

I understand how you are feeling and it is so easy to get caught in that trap because you will continue to talk to each other the same way you used to because you got on well. The only difference is to him you are in the friendszone.

 

If he reaches out again, then that would be the right time to say that you aren't ready to be friends just yet and ask for some space.

 

It's your call.

 

You have a point. As soon as I saw it I had so many things I wanted to say to him, and how I would construct my next message and whether I should send it tonight or sleep on it and send it tomorrow. It's just boiling inside me. Knowing him, he'll just say it was something sort of joke but that doesn't change the fact that he's online swiping and talking to women and probably asking them out. It's funny because the conversation reminds me of our first conversations so I know he's not just randomly chatting but open to dates.

 

This is a draft of what I felt like sending him. Please convince me otherwise or if I'm just projecting too much here :

 

"hey I have stuff to tell you. I've been feeling lots of mixed emotions since you started reaching out and we have been talking more. It's been nice to talk to you again and so I mistook it for something it wasn't. I'd always wanted us to be fine again but I don't think that can happen right now. I still have feelings for you and because of that I think I need space and can't be in contact with you right now. I had told you before I wasn't sure how I'd feel once you started dating others. Turns out it hurt more to see than I thought it would. If you ever feel the same at some point you know where to find me. I hope you understand this is really hard for me to do. "

[smackie9]

The best thing you can do is block/delete. He will get the message that you are still not in a good place and he shouldn't contact you.

[Lotsgoingon]

People who initiate breakups totally understand why a dumped ex wants to cut off contact.

 

Your ex might pretend surprise when you announce NC, he may say he's disappointed and all of that--and he may very well be disappointed. I had an ex who cried when I told her I needed to go NC. But your ex will totally understand NC ... and he will get on very happily with his life ... as my ex who cried ... got on very happily with her life.

 

That reasoning behind NC, btw, is illustrated by your behavior here. You're still playing like a girl friend. An emotionally untangled person DOES NOT CARE how their ex reacts to going no contact. You're still trying to please him, work around him, you're still seeking his approval, still taking care of him.

 

And you're not alone--this is what people do when we continue contact with an ex that dumped us. We pretend we are OK with friendship. We pretend we want them to be happy without us. We pretend we're OK. But we're not. We pretend we don't want them to change their minds. We totally want them to change their minds. We desperately hope they will change their minds.

 

All of which is totally natural.

 

Thus the invention of NC.

 

The NC step is there to avoid the very situation you're in: ... to avoid you worrying about HIS feelings. Think about it: he dumps you and now you're worried about HIS feelings in saying you will no longer be talking to him.

 

Puh-lease. Do you see the inequality here? His dumping you is a 1,000 x more painful than being told that you won't be talking to him. That inequality and twisted thinking is exactly what occurs when we don't break contact.

 

And just for the record: we all have learned this lesson at some point. If exes that dumped us wanted to date us ... they will say so. They won't just call us ... and share with us ... and hint ... and seem like they want more. No, they will tell us they want to date us just as clearly as they told us they wanted to break up with us. This point is pretty obvious, but if we're the ones in continued contact, we're blind to it.

 

You'll have some sadness, some longing, maybe some anger ... and lingering hurt. But ... what NC does is allow us to stop thinking of how any action will affect the EX. Over time, the ex ceases to be the star by which we judge ourselves. And that's what ultimately leads to freedom and liberation and regained self confidence.

[Highndry]

When I see my ex talking to someone new, I'm usually hoping that she likes that guy and leaves me alone. She becomes his problem at that point, not mine.

 

 

Well that's great for you and all, but she still has feelings for him. It doesn't work that way for her.

 

I agree no contact is best for you, dance123. I would not block him yet, but I wouldn't contact him at all. If/when he initiates contact tell him that you still have feelings so you can't talk to him anymore, but if he changes his mind then he can contact you, but not before that time. If he does and you haven't moved on with another guy, then perhaps you could explore something.

[ShutUpAndDance123]

People who initiate breakups totally understand why a dumped ex wants to cut off contact.

 

Your ex might pretend surprise when you announce NC, he may say he's disappointed and all of that--and he may very well be disappointed. I had an ex who cried when I told her I needed to go NC. But your ex will totally understand NC ... and he will get on very happily with his life ... as my ex who cried ... got on very happily with her life.

 

That reasoning behind NC, btw, is illustrated by your behavior here. You're still playing like a girl friend. An emotionally untangled person DOES NOT CARE how their ex reacts to going no contact. You're still trying to please him, work around him, you're still seeking his approval, still taking care of him.

 

And you're not alone--this is what people do when we continue contact with an ex that dumped us. We pretend we are OK with friendship. We pretend we want them to be happy without us. We pretend we're OK. But we're not. We pretend we don't want them to change their minds. We totally want them to change their minds. We desperately hope they will change their minds.

 

All of which is totally natural.

 

Thus the invention of NC.

 

The NC step is there to avoid the very situation you're in: ... to avoid you worrying about HIS feelings. Think about it: he dumps you and now you're worried about HIS feelings in saying you will no longer be talking to him.

 

Puh-lease. Do you see the inequality here? His dumping you is a 1,000 x more painful than being told that you won't be talking to him. That inequality and twisted thinking is exactly what occurs when we don't break contact.

 

And just for the record: we all have learned this lesson at some point. If exes that dumped us wanted to date us ... they will say so. They won't just call us ... and share with us ... and hint ... and seem like they want more. No, they will tell us they want to date us just as clearly as they told us they wanted to break up with us. This point is pretty obvious, but if we're the ones in continued contact, we're blind to it.

 

You'll have some sadness, some longing, maybe some anger ... and lingering hurt. But ... what NC does is allow us to stop thinking of how any action will affect the EX. Over time, the ex ceases to be the star by which we judge ourselves. And that's what ultimately leads to freedom and liberation and regained self confidence.

 

He's living his life, the one he wanted. Which is to say single, travel a lot, get back into education. He's been doing all these things without me a the only reason I know is because he shares this with. You're right. I am probably too empathetic in this situation. I always worry what other people feel. And I know he has a hard time being vulnerable and he wants with me. ****. There I go again.

 

I did pretend things were alright between us but I can't go on pretending anymore. I'd pretend it didn't matter if he texted but I was elated when he did. His recent post was like a 2x4 to my face. While it was probably unintentional, it's a clear sign he still searching for the variety and novelty of meeting women, despite how much he may love me.

[ShutUpAndDance123]

Well that's great for you and all, but she still has feelings for him. It doesn't work that way for her.

 

I agree no contact is best for you, dance123. I would not block him yet, but I wouldn't contact him at all. If/when he initiates contact tell him that you still have feelings so you can't talk to him anymore, but if he changes his mind then he can contact you, but not before that time. If he does and you haven't moved on with another guy, then perhaps you could explore something.

 

I wish I was at that point but yes I still have undeniable feelings for him and he's been living his life so he's probably unaware how it's affecting me. Thanks for the advice. It helps me how to say something to him that I don't quite know how to put into words.

[Gretchen12]

Maybe I would just lie. He didn't end it to hurt you. He ended it because he's not ready for a serious relationship. For a man, it has to do with what stage of life he's in. I'd rather get a guy who is done sowing his wild oats, than to keep a guy who keeps looking. Set him free to look around now. You never know how people might change in a few years.

Now the lie: you can just ignore him for a while, reply slowly and without enthusiasm. Then, after some time when he contacts you again, tell him you've found someone and the new guy wouldn't like you talking to an ex, and that's why you can't be friends anymore.

You may wonder if that closes the door to getting him back. I don't think so. You are thinking like a woman. Men, if they want a woman they'll compete with other men to get what they want. Now if you had gotten the new guy from cheating then he wouldn't want you back. But you did not cheat, so you're on good terms.

Well, I don't know if you want to do it like this. In any case, don't write a long message telling him you still have feelings for him. He shouldn't have to feel guilty. He probably already feels bad for leaving you.

[ShutUpAndDance123]

Maybe I would just lie. He didn't end it to hurt you. He ended it because he's not ready for a serious relationship. For a man, it has to do with what stage of life he's in. I'd rather get a guy who is done sowing his wild oats, than to keep a guy who keeps looking. Set him free to look around now. You never know how people might change in a few years.

Now the lie: you can just ignore him for a while, reply slowly and without enthusiasm. Then, after some time when he contacts you again, tell him you've found someone and the new guy wouldn't like you talking to an ex, and that's why you can't be friends anymore.

You may wonder if that closes the door to getting him back. I don't think so. You are thinking like a woman. Men, if they want a woman they'll compete with other men to get what they want. Now if you had gotten the new guy from cheating then he wouldn't want you back. But you did not cheat, so you're on good terms.

Well, I don't know if you want to do it like this. In any case, don't write a long message telling him you still have feelings for him. He shouldn't have to feel guilty. He probably already feels bad for leaving you.

 

Yeah I don't think I could fabricate a lie like that. I'm horrible at lying and also hate when people lie to me when they don't need to. But I get that men are competing with one another and I know how hard he pursued me in the beginning. He isn't subtle about it. All men I've dated are that way. The reason I'd mention my feelings is because I've always respected open communication. It'd be up to him how to process it. And what about him feeling bad? I feel like an emotional tampon at this point. Around for when he wants me.

[ThreeRainbows]

You miss the point. The purpose of my post wasn't to just state how I feel, but how she should feel. Part of me still has feelings for my exes too, but when things don't work out, they don't work out. I am not gonna sit around and be upset because they are now talking to someone new, especially if that ex is always messaging me. If the OP's ex hooks up with someone and they stay together, maybe he will leave her alone so she can move on with her life. No longer her problem.

 

 

You can't really tell a person how they should feel. She feels what she feels. And that is heartbreak. People feeling heartbreak don't feel good when their ex is with another. And seeing that happen only puts her ex more on her mind.

 

 

Better to just block instead. Good luck OP.

[ThreeRainbows]

Yeah I don't think I could fabricate a lie like that. I'm horrible at lying and also hate when people lie to me when they don't need to. But I get that men are competing with one another and I know how hard he pursued me in the beginning. He isn't subtle about it. All men I've dated are that way. The reason I'd mention my feelings is because I've always respected open communication. It'd be up to him how to process it. And what about him feeling bad? I feel like an emotional tampon at this point. Around for when he wants me.

 

 

 

 

Write a long letter, get all of your feelings out, then delete it. Do not send.

 

 

If you want any chance of reconciliation down the road, sending this letter would only be a setback to that. I wouldn't even send the brief note telling him you're going NC. I would just go NC.

 

 

You will lose respect in his eyes should you send it, and what you need right now is to regain your self-respect. That is why he stopped wanting you.

 

 

 

The only way to validate what you really want - your self-respect - is by completely going no contact. The only time you can break no contact is if he does a full 180 (as according to the guide), asking you for forgiveness, expressing true remorse, etc. But don't count on that happening.

 

 

 

If he contacts you again, don't reply at all. Delete it. Then he will get the message, and believe me, you'll feel better for it. That will validate your self-respect much more.

 

 

GL.

[ShutUpAndDance123]

Write a long letter, get all of your feelings out, then delete it. Do not send.

 

 

If you want any chance of reconciliation down the road, sending this letter would only be a setback to that. I wouldn't even send the brief note telling him you're going NC. I would just go NC.

 

 

You will lose respect in his eyes should you send it, and what you need right now is to regain your self-respect. That is why he stopped wanting you.

 

 

 

The only way to validate what you really want - your self-respect - is by completely going no contact. The only time you can break no contact is if he does a full 180 (as according to the guide), asking you for forgiveness, expressing true remorse, etc. But don't count on that happening.

 

 

 

If he contacts you again, don't reply at all. Delete it. Then he will get the message, and believe me, you'll feel better for it. That will validate your self-respect much more.

 

 

GL.

 

He broke up with me because he wasn't ready for a relationship. I'm not sure how the determining factor of the break up was my self respect? It's not like I begged him to stay. I had actually asked for NC and his immediate response was, "how long will I need?" it was only after I explained myself did he realize I wasn't kidding. He's been the one to initiate every conversation post break up. I've been very open with him from the beginning and even took my space back when he violated my trust. He reached out after the dust settled again. I don't think he understands so I feel I have to be 100% clear this time.

 

But I agree I can no longer be conveniently around for him post break up and need to reconsider this friendship because it's mentally draining me. He cares for me but he's being being quite selfish right now. Doubt he realizes I'm feeling utterly broken. The attention is nice when I get it but still so bittersweet in every way.

[springy]

That’s a tough one. If it were me I imagine I’d silently unfollow/unfriend him and if he should reach out briefly & politely tell him more time is needed to completely disconnect. I wouldn’t engage further after that as he doesn’t need to know your every thought & feeling.

 

He probably thinks you are ok with the friend thing so didn’t post to hurt you, but you know him better than us. Is he an unkind or vengeful type? If so that’s even more reason to cut him off cold.

[ShutUpAndDance123]

That’s a tough one. If it were me I imagine I’d silently unfollow/unfriend him and if he should reach out briefly & politely tell him more time is needed to completely disconnect. I wouldn’t engage further after that as he doesn’t need to know your every thought & feeling.

 

He probably thinks you are ok with the friend thing so didn’t post to hurt you, but you know him better than us. Is he an unkind or vengeful type? If so that’s even more reason to cut him off cold.

 

Vengeful, no. Definitely a bit inconsiderate at times. Maybe even a little self centered. I'm not painting him as a perfect person but it seems I feel the need to stick up for him because I know his struggles.

 

If he feels uncomfortable at all he will retreat. I believe that's the avoidant in him. He's also not afraid to stick to his own boundaries. He's told me "no" on many occasions when the situation didn't suit him. But he will test my boundaries from time to time, obviously part of the reason for this post. I think if I tell him firmly to not contact me again he would stop.

 

This has been helpful. I think I won't send anything unless he reaches out again which I'm pretty certain he will. He thinks we're buds. I see it more as supportive acquaintances. Seriously, we don't even hang out out. That's an acquaintance. I just hate to sit on this feeling because it's uncomfortable and getting it out into the open would relieve me of it.

[springy]

If that’s the case send a brief message and then disconnect. Problem solved.

[ShutUpAndDance123]

If that’s the case send a brief message and then disconnect. Problem solved.

 

 

I was going to send it last night but I chickened out. I'm so disappointed in myself. He texted me a random question last night and I know I shouldn't have replied but I did. As soon as I sent it I knew it was going to set me back again. Seems he will continue to update his social media with these kind of funny dating posts since his friends are finding it very entertaining, but I can't bear that kind of stuff anymore. I didn't mention it to him at all last night. I hope I have the strength to send it tonight and just be done with it. Sometimes I wish I didn't care for him so much, it'd make this a lot easier.

[stillafool]

Stop looking at his social media. That will set you back. Block yourself from looking.

[ThreeRainbows]

He broke up with me because he wasn't ready for a relationship. I'm not sure how the determining factor of the break up was my self respect? It's not like I begged him to stay. I had actually asked for NC and his immediate response was, "how long will I need?" it was only after I explained myself did he realize I wasn't kidding. He's been the one to initiate every conversation post break up. I've been very open with him from the beginning and even took my space back when he violated my trust. He reached out after the dust settled again. I don't think he understands so I feel I have to be 100% clear this time.

 

But I agree I can no longer be conveniently around for him post break up and need to reconsider this friendship because it's mentally draining me. He cares for me but he's being being quite selfish right now. Doubt he realizes I'm feeling utterly broken. The attention is nice when I get it but still so bittersweet in every way.

 

 

He says he's not ready for a relationship. What's he's really saying is:

 

 

"I'm not ready to be in a relationship, with you."

 

 

Hard truth.

 

 

Right now you want to feel like you can show him you're moving on by sending him a letter. That is you wanting your self-respect back, at least in my eyes. However, look at it objectively:

 

If you send that letter, does he stand to gain? Yes. You just gave him attention. You just gave him a heads up.

 

If you just go NC without sending it, does he stand to gain? No. But you do. This is real self-respect, and he will sense it.

 

 

 

 

He will continue to reach out to you until you cut him off from his narcissistic supply - your attention.

[ThreeRainbows]

And also, don't feel so bad. The determining factor of the relationship was not your self-respect (although it helps!). It was mostly his lack of empathy and authenticity, if you ask me.