Kingdom83 Posted July 23, 2018 Posted July 23, 2018 This is mostly just me venting... So last Monday I returned home from a trip, then ended up being dumped. I'm pretty gutted, we were together 4 years, and lived together for 3. I was very settled and thought that was it, I thought we'd end up married, kids the lot... But I guess not. Ive been in this situation before, I didn't handle the break up of that relationship well, and I learned a lot from that, I definitely learned what not to do anyway, and I feel ive handled this one with dignity. I can't really begin NC yet as we have to settle up bills and stuff, but I haven't been bombarding her with texts or emails or anything like that (thats exactly the type of thing I did last time, it still makes me cringe thinking about it now). It was a bit of a shock to me, and my friends and family, who couldn't believe she had decided to break up with me. She was always telling my friends how she was 'besotted' with me and 'couldn't believe her luck'... But last Monday she tells me that theres something missing, and in her opinion lifetime relationships have to be 100% or they are nothing... Even though she loves me, is in love with me and never been happier in a relationship, and in her words, 'it pains me to loose a relationship thats 99%, but that 1% is very important to me'... The thing thats missing, intimacy, in a pretty specific way, which effected the old sex life... Basically sex became painful for her, she would 'tighten up', she said she thinks it was down to lack of eye contact that kind of intimacy. She said we have sex, we don't make love, and that made her not be able to relax properly. We had some other things going on too which may or not have contributed. She had just started a new job which left her in tears most nights, and the stress of the new job brought her eczema back (really painful, horrible). She turns 30 in October and she was stressing about that a little too. I guess im pretty upset because I feel that problem we had could have been worked on, we could have spoken to a professional to get to the bottom of why she would tense up... But maybe with all the stress of everything else we just never managed it, maybe that was too much to deal with. I dunno. I'm just gutted, we really did have a great thing going (minus the issue I mentioned). Finding myself single again at 35 sucks big time, but theres nothing I can do about it now, except get on with my life - who knows what the future will bring? cheers, I just wanted to write that down and get it off my chest!
Normm Posted July 23, 2018 Posted July 23, 2018 Now that you've worked out how to handle being dumped, your next step should be to be more aware of the problems in a relationship, long before they get to the point that you get the "pink slip". There's no way that she was that unhappy and there were no signs. You simply missed them or chose to ignore them (such as the intimacy problem).
ThreeRainbows Posted July 23, 2018 Posted July 23, 2018 The thing that's missing? That 1%? It's inside herself. She just doesn't know it, yet. Forget her. 2
Author Kingdom83 Posted July 23, 2018 Author Posted July 23, 2018 Its true we should have talked about it more, but, we weren't unhappy, it wasn't an unhappy relationship - thats why she found it so hard to end it. I think by talking about it it would have been something we could have worked out. But she didn't, so I have to accept it. @ThreeRainbows - I do think theres truth in what you are saying - she would often ask me why someone like me would go out with her, which I found odd, it didn't seem to matter how often I told her otherwise. And I recently found out she would say to my mates girlfriends that she didn't think she was good enough for me. But, she was always putting herself down - she didn't think she was good enough at her job, didn't like the was she looked half the time etc... Something to do with her upbringing she said, thats why she was so tough on herself. Maybe im just reaching though...
Author Kingdom83 Posted July 23, 2018 Author Posted July 23, 2018 What also makes this break up tough is the fact we lived together - she moved out 2 days after the 'talk' and now im stuck in this bloody flat paying a full months rent by myself, and that isn't cheap in this city. Now with everything else I have to find a new flat share in another part of the city. Too many memories.
SevenCity Posted July 23, 2018 Posted July 23, 2018 Its true we should have talked about it more, but, we weren't unhappy, it wasn't an unhappy relationship - thats why she found it so hard to end it. I think by talking about it it would have been something we could have worked out. But she didn't, so I have to accept it. @ThreeRainbows - I do think theres truth in what you are saying - she would often ask me why someone like me would go out with her, which I found odd, it didn't seem to matter how often I told her otherwise. And I recently found out she would say to my mates girlfriends that she didn't think she was good enough for me. But, she was always putting herself down - she didn't think she was good enough at her job, didn't like the was she looked half the time etc... Something to do with her upbringing she said, thats why she was so tough on herself. Maybe im just reaching though... That’s low self esteem right there dude and the pattern seems to repeat with them. You lift them up and they fall madly in love until your high isn’t enough anymore because it has to come from within them. Then they leave for someone else to temporarily boost them up. My ex was the same. Red flag to keep an eye out for with the next one.
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 I agree that the 1% she claims is missing is missing from her not from you individual or the two of you as a couple. She's wrong for blaming you. You are doing the right things here. You have to communicate to sort out the last details, untangle the lease etc. Hopefully you find a new flat mate soon.
Author Kingdom83 Posted July 24, 2018 Author Posted July 24, 2018 I agree that the 1% she claims is missing is missing from her not from you individual or the two of you as a couple. She's wrong for blaming you. You are doing the right things here. You have to communicate to sort out the last details, untangle the lease etc. Hopefully you find a new flat mate soon. I had a few pints with one of my best mates on Saturday who said something similar. Maybe someday down the line she'll realise that, she'll meet some other guy and she's not 100% with him either... who knows...
Author Kingdom83 Posted July 24, 2018 Author Posted July 24, 2018 I'm thinking I'll keep this going as a little diary for myself. Last night after work I bought a load of heavy duty blag bags and just started to throw things out. Mostly my crap, crap that had been lying around the flat for years gathering dust. It actually felt really good to get rid of it. Something I should have done ages ago really. I threw out a load of stuff she left too, but nothing important - face creams, soaps, all that kind of crap... Basically the less stuff around the flat to remind me of her the better. I've started to look for a new flat, thats keeping me busy... its actually exhausting. We haven't had any contact since Friday now, but I know we will have to soon to arrange her picking up the last of her things and settle the bills. We can stay no contact till the end of the month though.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 That’s low self esteem right there dude and the pattern seems to repeat with them. You lift them up and they fall madly in love until your high isn’t enough anymore because it has to come from within them. Then they leave for someone else to temporarily boost them up. My ex was the same. Red flag to keep an eye out for with the next one. I've heard them called "love addicts." When the high is gone, they are too. But the limerence can't last forever, our brains just can't support that. At best, you get an ebb and flow of love. Companionate love, however, can last. That's a lower-level feeling, not obsessive. Probably what you were feeling. Her self-esteem is too low to feel that companionate love, or it's just not enough for her, because she has a physical addiction to the brain chemicals limerence creates.
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 Purging yourself of the stuff is always a good start 1
ThreeRainbows Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 Purging yourself of the stuff is always a good start But don't forget to keep the companionate love That is healthy and sustainable. And you know, the honeymoon phase/limerence is really just an illusion anyways. It's a reflection spell of your ego. Once you're fully matured, no one can reflect you anymore. You'll be conscious. Companionate love will be all that's left.
Author Kingdom83 Posted July 25, 2018 Author Posted July 25, 2018 5 days no contact now. I thought about her a lot at work today, and wondered what she was doing, how she was coping. I was also imagining that one day down the line, 6 months, maybe a year from now, what it would be like to start over... Just thoughts though, I won't be suggesting any of this to her. Nope. I won't go down that road again, last time it lead to nothing but embarrassment on my behalf, and I imagine she was pretty embarrassed by it all too, she probably lost some respect for me. That was my last relationship. Ive been thinking about that one relationship, I remembered how terrible I felt, the crying, the pining for her... Then I remember how when I finally stopped contacting her, almost 5 months later, I just got on with my life and started to plan my 2 year trip around Australia. Thats when she suddenly contacted me - she was just asking about my trip - I wasn't even bothered by then that she had been in touch. She didn't contact me again until last year, but I didn't even bother to reply. Its funny because when I really think about that relationship, it wasn't even that good. We had fun, but thats all it was, we didn't live together, and only went on one holiday together. We were together on and off for 6 bloody years. This most recent break up was a proper relationship though, and it was 100 times better than my last.
Author Kingdom83 Posted July 28, 2018 Author Posted July 28, 2018 Almost 2 weeks now since she broke up with me. I haven't heard from her, and she hasn't heard from me in a week now. I informed our landlord that we were moving out at the end of next month. She moved out last week, so im stuck in this bloody flat for another couple of weeks. I have been looking for flats and went to see one today, it was alright. i.m away to see a few more next week, I'll probably just take the first one I like. Just so I can get out of here. I think its maybe stopping me from moving on, all these memories here, and some of her stuff is still here too. Sigh... I find the weekends the worst, especially if I have no plans, it just means I sit around thinking about her and the old relationship. My mates have been good though, taking me out for beers. im getting the point where im getting a bit bored talking about it with them now, they probably are too Im actually quite amazed I haven't tried contacting her. I haven't deleted her on social media yet, but I hardly use it anymore, and neither does she, so its not really an issue for me. 1
ThreeRainbows Posted July 28, 2018 Posted July 28, 2018 I would delete her on the social media if you can. It's a temptation (if even just a slight one). Good job moving on. You are making good progress! Next step, when you're ready, is to start working on your self-esteem (work out, read books, get some sharp new clothes!). Then, go out and meet new folks! Almost there. 1
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