clandestinidad Posted September 2, 2005 Posted September 2, 2005 I've been having issues with my b/f for a while...its in other posts, so I dont really want to go into all of it again. A lot of his family is coming into town (from multiple states), and I dont really feel right about meeting everyone, but he wants me to. Theyre coming here this weekend b/c his grandfather is dying and everyone wanted to visit before that happens. The only people I've met in the year we've been together are his parents (saw them once). They havent met my daughter yet, but we're supposed to eat lunch with his mother on Saturday. Since I dont really know how I feel about him, or if we're going to be together much longer, I'm not comfortable having them meet my daughter, or meeting all of his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. What would yall do? go or not?
Art_Critic Posted September 2, 2005 Posted September 2, 2005 I can only give you advice from my experience from your BF's side.. even though I think you should kick him to the curb I think you should go and meet his family. The last serious girlfriend I had didn't go to my twin niece and nephew's birthday party and meet my family and it killed me.. In fact it was the beginning of the end.. at that point I knew she was a bit*h and our relationship was doomed . For the next few days after that we argued about stupid stuff because I was hurt about the b-day party thing and one thing led to another and boom.. We broke up. It hurts to this day because to me it was the lowest of all blows. and it ahs been about a year If you have the least bit of respect for him you need to go.. I hope that helped
tanbark813 Posted September 2, 2005 Posted September 2, 2005 I don't know what issues you guys have but if you're his gf you should go. But if you're already at a point where you don't want to meet his family and don't want them meeting your daughter then it sounds like you've already resigned yourself to the idea of breaking up with him. And, if that indeed is the case, why prolong it? Just drop him and be done with it. Then your original question vanishes and you don't have to deal with any guilt or backlash from not going.
Cecelius Posted September 2, 2005 Posted September 2, 2005 I have kids and am divorced, if that affects my advice. You don't want to introduce your daughter to these people in any meaningful way if they are not going to be in her life tomorrow? On that basis, I would skip it. Just understand how your b/f is going to take it.
Author clandestinidad Posted September 2, 2005 Author Posted September 2, 2005 i see what yall are saying...thank you Its not that I dont want to meet them or have them meet my daughter. Its that I feel bad going through that...almost leading everyone on...and then breaking up (if I do). I dont think I'm explaining this well. I guess I'm looking at it as something serious...almost like, 'heres my future wife'. And then "yeah, we broke up a week or 2 later" maybe I shouldnt look at it so seriously?? (i think i got the feeling it was serious and meaningful from him ~2 weeks ago)
Cecelius Posted September 2, 2005 Posted September 2, 2005 If I were the b/f, and you went and met everyone, etc., and then 2 days or 2 weeks later broke up with me, I'd feel dopey about having taken you to meet the family. if you are not positive that you are headed to splitsville, then I would go (otherwise come up with a great excuse).
AmberAriesMom Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 Kat, you said you weren't comfortable with it, so that means don't go. Anyhow, these relatives are coming in b/c someone in the family is dying. If it were my family, I'd want my space and wouldn't want to have virtual strangers around, but that's just me.
RainyDayWoman Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 if you feel like you should meet them, but you're concerned about your daughter, maybe you can meet them on your own. then you don't have to worry about exposing her to people she may never see again and wonder why. if it works out with them, you know they'll meet her eventually. good luck...let us know what you decide and how it goes!
Author clandestinidad Posted September 3, 2005 Author Posted September 3, 2005 bleh...I dont really care about everything going on with him anymore. I'm tired of fighting to be heard and understood, or for some f0(king compassion. He's not a 'man', he's still under the influence and babying from his parents. He's not interested in working out a plan for this weekend with me, he's just going along with what his mother wants. There's a lot to this story...its all rediculous. So, no, I dont really feel like meeting all of his family. And I dont want to eat with his mother tomorrow. We talked again on the phone this evening, he's on his way over there to see everyone. I told him that I dont care what they decide anymore, and I dont want to eat lunch tomorrow...they can do their own thing (since his mom wanted to go spend some alone time with just him anyway...I was just supposed to show up with my daughter to eat lunch with her and him). We had an argument, of course. I guess what pisses me off so much about it is that he's not asking for my input or thoughts, and as a result of that and some other stuff in our relationship I feel like I dont matter to him. The other part that pisses me off, and I told him, was how he says he wants an independant woman when he himself is far from independant! His mother sends him care packages (with candy and trinkets and medicine and stuff), calls him early in the mornings or at work or after work, they talk about every other day just to chit-chat, she emails him a lot, etc...and she didnt do this crap when he didnt have a girlfriend. And he never calls me during the day, even though I've said for 8-9 months (certainly I didnt talk about it ALL the time) it would be nice every once in a while. I leave him alone during the day b/c i know it can be annoying to have your girl or mother calling or writing all the time. But whats so irritating to me isnt that she loves him and wants to show him...its that he goes along with everything! and thinks there's nothing strange about it.... I guess I always thought men (at least 23 and older) got irritated when their mommies bugged them and babied them all the time! And told them to stop or rolled their eyes or something to indicate that they were men and independant....they even want to pay for things for him like new furniture and silverware and stuff (that she picks out), even though he has a very successful job. Its like they think he's weak or something...and it pisses me off! And it makes him look weak to me too! He's a successful 25 y/o man! anyway, the other part of it is that I wish he viewed the 2 of us as a unit, who makes decisions together and takes into account how each person thinks/feels. He doesnt. He ALWAYS argues about how I think/feel about EVERYTHING! I'm exhausted not only am I exhausted about that part, but also the fact that I expect more in a year-long relationship, where he's always talking about getting married and stuff, than what I'm actually getting. I expect to be more to him than a casual girlfriend. That reminds me of something someone said in another thread, about people throwing their partner enough scraps to keep them there. sorry, I had to get some stuff out into the open....it was wearing me down. I realize it had nothing to do with my OP, but maybe it will shed some light on why I dont feel like meeting his whole family or doing anything w/ them this weekend.
Art_Critic Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 Hey Kat .. Why don't you take a break from him for a while .. A real one.. You seem like you are trying really hard with this guy because you see something in him that fits you.. But you can't see the total image because you are too close to it all.. Some time apart may help you clear your mind and eyes. and who knows you may see the light and see that he is perfect for you..
RainyDayWoman Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 Hey Kat .. You seem like you are trying really hard with this guy because you see something in him that fits you.. But you can't see the total image because you are too close to it all.. Some time apart may help you clear your mind and eyes. i've seen some of your other posts, and i have to say i agree with this. do what's best for yourself. you don't sound very happy with this person right now.
Author clandestinidad Posted September 3, 2005 Author Posted September 3, 2005 thanks for ya'lls input on this. here's an update: he left his family last night to come over here. its about an hour or so drive. we never decided what the plan was when we talked yesterday afternoon b/c his phone died and he didnt call me back. I had actually called and left a message sometime b/n 8 or 9 to let him know that he didnt need to come over and that he could stay there if he wanted. he didnt get my voicemail obviously, but thats not what this story is about. When he was leaving everyone jumped all over him, asking why why why and making other suggestions of what he could/should do. he says they all gave him weird looks to, and his dad even spoke up and said "I KNOW why" and glared at him. Then his parents walked him out to his car and were acting sad and dissappointed. Personally I think its rude and rediculous to jump all over someone for leaving at 10:30 at night when youre going to see him for the next 3 days. what does it matter where you sleep?! I think they were just mad that he was leaving to see me, and its obvious that they think I'm some controlling b!tch. His parents have said subtle things to him before, b/c he told them things 1 or 2 times many months ago when we were having problems (LDR and crap). He said that he doesnt defend me or get pissed off at them for being rude about me b/c sometimes he agrees w/ them. So, he's in a $h!tty position b/n me and them. When he was here last night I tried to shed some light on whats going on...and I think I was successful in doing it without blaming him or anything for things. He said he was sorry that I was hurt by their actions and that he understood what I had said about various things (i.e. that IMO parents shouldnt tell their son/daughter negative things about their partner, families shouldnt jump all over someone for their decisions, partners should get upset/defend the person they love whenever anyone says anything negative even if they sometimes agree, etc). He also said that if anyone brought it up, he'd let them know that I'm not a controlling b!tch and that our plans werent figured out b/c his phone quit working, but I had left a message letting him know that he didnt need to come over. This morning I told him that if he wanted me to meet them for lunch I would, b/c I dont want to hurt or disappoint HIM no matter how I feel about anything else. He said that he really wanted me to, and that he would call me when they (he and his mom) were on their way. Its 2 here now, and I never got that phonecall. At least he could have told me that it was off...unless his mommy didnt want him to call me so he didnt. The other thing running through my mind is that he's probably told her everything I've said about them needing to let go, quit babying him, that theyre controlling and he does everything they tell him to, etc. We've talked about not telling relatives things like that, but I dont trust him not to tell her all about this. I decided earlier that if he's told her anything about it (and especially if he lies or hides it), then thats the last straw. It shows me a LOT when someone cant respect the relationship or the person, and isnt man enough to stand up to them, and defend someone he loves. I'm so sick of fighting and demanding to be treated a certain way. Arent there people out there who KNOW how a relationship works?!?! Is it just 'only children' who are so clueless?!?! Am I wrong in this thing?? Do I want and expect too much??
RecordProducer Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 Kat, honestly I don't think it's a big deal. You won't do anything there but meet them and talk to them. It doesn't obligate you to anything. Besides, if you don't want to meet them then break up with him before they arrive. Or go meet them.
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