mkaur215 Posted July 23, 2018 Posted July 23, 2018 Hello everyone, I broke up with bf of 2 years because i was unsure of my feelings and wasnt sure if my family would ever accept our relationship (im indian he was white) and i didnt want him to waste his time with someone who was unsure and felt it wasnt fair to him. He was my first official relationship and my first at many things and my mistake was i didnt communicate my thoughts and feelings with him. Since the breakup I’ve been trying to eat more healthy and trying to better myself but there are days where i miss him a lot. I want to break no contact but after the breakup i approached him twice and begged him to try one more time and he didnt want to. Im thinking of just continueing to better myself and finish my school and maybe if hes still single i would approach him again. I just hate myself and regret not giving it my all and wish i didnt care so much about what my family would say.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 23, 2018 Posted July 23, 2018 (edited) You made a mistake. You are human. It was wise of him not to take you back when you begged, because there hasn't been enough time for growth or maturity, and therefore the relationship would not be any different. Focus on your own personal growth and move on. If, in a year, you feel like you are more ready for a relationship, you could ask again (since you broke up with him), but don't expect anything. He has likely moved on. Try to improve your self-esteem, read some relationship books, so that you can be a better partner next time you get in a relationship. Be aware that there's a natural ebb and flow to love (as you can see now, from your current heartbreak), and the "in-love" feelings are not the same thing as real love (which is intimacy and trust built over time). Most of all, forgive yourself. Edited July 23, 2018 by ThreeRainbows
Beachead Posted July 23, 2018 Posted July 23, 2018 Hi OP, I think begging to return to him is just reaction from the doubt and guilt you're feeling right now over your decision but, at the time you ended it, I am certain there was a large degree of rationality to that decision. Let it be and trust in that. Family acceptance is important to you. It's hard for you because the relationship didn't end because of something like abuse or cheating. That would have been much more easier to rationalize and move on from because it's so cut throat. But this isn't like that. This was something that could have possibly worked out and so that "what if" makes you hold on. Again, trust your decision. There was rationality behind it and I'm sure you spent quite some time in the relationship thinking about it until you decided to pull the plug. I'm just going out on a limb here but maybe you didn't feel like you were in a position in your own life to defend the relationship and negotiate with your parents and if this is the case, it might mean that you need to get to a place where you trust in yourself and your decisions. In any case, you have no control over what he chooses to do anymore. As far as you know, this thing is over. Now you have to let go, focus your life again, grieve the loss, forgive yourself and carry on. It will take time to get over. - Beach
Author mkaur215 Posted July 24, 2018 Author Posted July 24, 2018 Its amazing how spot on u r regarding my feelings beach. I feel that is exactly why its hard for me to let him go because he was nothing but good to me but honestly we didnt have much in common. I personally feel we both just enjoyed our company as a friend and liked having someone to talk to on a regular basis and to do stuff with. And as for the parents i figured once i was done with school and showed them i am more responsible and mature they will take my choice seriously. Thank you for your reply you have no idea how much it helps. Today marks day one of not stalking him on social media lol
Author mkaur215 Posted July 24, 2018 Author Posted July 24, 2018 Thank you ms rainbow for ur kind words and advice. I know this is a completely bad decision but i ended up joining a online dating app where i have been talking to a couple guys and i know its not a good idea but it helps keep my mind off him and not to obsess over him. I am however being upfront with the guy i plan on meeting and tell them about my situation so hopefully i wont be leading them on. Honestly i miss the attention of being in a relationship and feel very lonely.
ThreeRainbows Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 Thank you ms rainbow for ur kind words and advice. I know this is a completely bad decision but i ended up joining a online dating app where i have been talking to a couple guys and i know its not a good idea but it helps keep my mind off him and not to obsess over him. I am however being upfront with the guy i plan on meeting and tell them about my situation so hopefully i wont be leading them on. Honestly i miss the attention of being in a relationship and feel very lonely. If you think it's a bad decision, why would you do it? I don't really buy the rationality of breaking up like above poster said. Personally, I think it's an underlying issue. When we are not 100% authentic, and radically honest, we lose our feelings for our partners. Love is an inside job.
Author mkaur215 Posted July 24, 2018 Author Posted July 24, 2018 According to everyone on here they say do not do the whole rebound thing, explore yourself and improve urself to get the guy u actually want. Its just if getting attention from someone else is helping me forget him whats the harm behind it? (assuming im not leading the person on by saying i want something serious) im sorry if i sound like an *******
ThreeRainbows Posted July 24, 2018 Posted July 24, 2018 According to everyone on here they say do not do the whole rebound thing, explore yourself and improve urself to get the guy u actually want. Its just if getting attention from someone else is helping me forget him whats the harm behind it? (assuming im not leading the person on by saying i want something serious) im sorry if i sound like an ******* 1. You could hurt them. 2. You could get in deeper than you intended, and hurt yourself. Learn to satisfy your own need for attention through healthy ways. GL.
Simmons Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 Well your post definitely serves to give other dumpees on loveshack some insight into what may go on in a dumper's mind after a breakup and during NC. Of course not all dumpers are the same but this post just goes to prove that not all dumpers are quick to forget and get over the dumpee.
Beachead Posted July 26, 2018 Posted July 26, 2018 (edited) According to everyone on here they say do not do the whole rebound thing, explore yourself and improve urself to get the guy u actually want. Its just if getting attention from someone else is helping me forget him whats the harm behind it? (assuming im not leading the person on by saying i want something serious) im sorry if i sound like an ******* Because it's a temp fix. You will be using someone to bury your emotions rather than facing them head on and dealing with them. As a result, you end up postponing your "Day 1" to a later date. You won't feel that in the beginning though because this guy will distract you from your thoughts and make you feel happy. But as time passes, you will find that the affect he has will become less and less and so he will have to do more and more just to keep you happy. It'll get to a point, where nothing he does will take the pain or thoughts away and eventually it'll end with you leaving or distancing from him. Why did this happen? Because you avoided dealing with your feelings. You buried it. In either case, if he catches feelings for you which will likely be the case, he will suffer, we'll have another heartbroken person on LS, and you will now have that on your conscious coupled with all the unresolved pain/thoughts from this situation as well. Your head will be way too jammed because you'll be dealing with a double whammy of regret and guilt. Two very potent emotions that can keep you stuck in the past. Plenty of harm there for you and all parties involved. It's like taking painkillers for a chronic illness. Because you're just silencing things, the illness won't be treated and therefore will get worse until the painkillers can do nothing for you. Then you'll have an even bigger problem on your hands because you didn't deal with it properly when you should have. In the long-run, it costs you more. But if you take the time to be alone to feel the pain and think out your thoughts and process them, you will get through this cleanly and come out very clear-minded, even though the initial few months may suck. Suffering through it now, rather than later will mean you can return to yourself sooner. Furthermore, you'll learn quite a lot about yourself and the relationship along the way and you can use that wisdom and apply it to the next relationship. - Beach Edited July 26, 2018 by Beachead 1
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