Tried again ... And a fail

[mortensorchid]

I was at a party last night and asked the hostess how she met her bf (he and I have been long time friends, he lives next door to an old bf of mine, part of the same groups, this was the bf's birthday party). She said they had met on POF about three years ago. She said she logged on one day and he had sent a "Hi how are you?" message to her, she was just about to delete the account and then she met him and it's all been good since. This gave me inspiration, and some hope once again, thinking that I really want someone in my life. Maybe try one more time and then that one more time will pan out in something. So when I got home that night, I uploaded Bumble onto my phone.

 

When I woke up this morning I had a message in my inbox. He gave me his phone number and we were texting. It went like this:

 

Him: Hey it's (Name).

Me: Good morning

H: (sends me photo of himself in the mirror)

M: You don't want to see me at the moment I just woke up

H: Ha. I always like sharing some that's not on the app

M: So what's your plan for the day?

H: Not sure. How long have you been single?

M: A few years. You?

H: 2016. What do you do for work? What are your work hours?

M: I have a summer job at the moment I am a job coach for a few weeks and interviewing for other possibilities. You?

H: I work for a code team and printing company, we make interior decorations for aviation and railroad. I work 5 am to 3 pm M-Th with some weekends.

M: Ah. I work M-F until 1 pm with overflow into report writing.

H: Nice hours. Any kids?

M: I do not.

H: Mine is 14. Can I have one pic?

M: Ok, give me a few.

H: You can just upload from your phone.

M: Want to find a good one.

H: It must be a bikini one.

M: (send him one of me and a guy friend and Jonathan Frakes from Star Trek The Next Generation from a comic con he and I went to)

H: Cute

M: Jonathan Frakes? He's alright

H: I have no idea who that is.

M: From Star Trek the Next Generation, he was Number One.

H: Where's the bikini pic?

M: (I send him a funny photo I took off the internet of a hairy guy wearing a woman's bikini as a joke)

M: What do you do for fun?

H: My daughter's sports, running, drinks, sports, cooking

M: Hope the rain holds out I want to get a few miles in

H: (sends me a shirtless torso photo of himself)

H: Wish you were here cuddling. I should drive up to see you today.

M: We just met and you only know my first name

H: Why are you single?

M: Not sure, you?

H: I know when I meet the right person the chemistry. Plus had to be physical attraction there as well, the last relationship I had was just a friendship I wasn't there physically and I need that part this time.

 

I didn't know how to respond to that. But this is a dead end once again. I went out and worked out, I felt better somewhat but he never texted me again. I don't think I will bother with this one. Immediately sends a torso picture means he's not going to be very respectful.

[alphamale]

has a 14 year old and is into Star Trek?? Epic fail

[alphamale]

soon as you hear the two words 1) Star and 2) Trek used in the same sentence from any male just run long and fast into the woods

[rightondude]

that's her that is into Star Trek

 

this guy sounds like a choad. But I bet it works for him on occasion.

[mortensorchid]

that's her that is into Star Trek

 

this guy sounds like a choad. But I bet it works for him on occasion.

 

I'm not INTO Star Trek like some are, I went to a comic con and got to meet him and it was a really good picture of me, him and my friend Alex together. But I wanted to test the waters with him and show him that I was trying to focus on other things. But, agree with above quote and dropped him like a hot potato.

[Versacehottie]

Listen along the way of your journey to meet the right guy for you, you will run into people who are far from your expectations of what a good guy to date would be, like this guy. That's a big part of the journey. You will meet people who disappoint you, who seem disappointed in you, who are jerks, who don't get you, who you don't get, and who while great just aren't for you, or vice versa.

 

What i find sad is that you are letting one bad apple (aka this guy) derail what you want to do. Because he is a jerk, does not mean all guys are jerks. It's so...fatalistic... and black and white thinking for you. It only hurts you. To give you good feedback, i think it's great that you asked your friend how she met her guy and immediately gave that a try. But where you went wrong is assuming or hoping it would be your magic cure. While there are patterns, everyone's story probably is a little different (though to be fair, my other friend was a couple of days away from canceling her online dating account and met her now bf who is amazing and completely pursued her in the right and chivalrous way). Why are you letting this one guy have all the power over what you believe about yourself & what is possible for you? I think you need to stop putting romance on a pedestal and then swinging wildly to a bunch of very negative beliefs about love and yourself.. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle and more down to earth. Take a more realistic approach. I think it's lucky that you found out this guy was only after pix in 10 sentences. yay! no time wasted. Now don't let it ding your confidence. Stop replying. He likely isn't serious whatsoever or he wouldn't risk offending you. On the small chance he is serious, he will come back with another line less about pix (don't think so but it's possible).

 

Take the lesson for yourself above: that it's not the end of the world or your dating journey. Take the lesson about guys: the one truth he said was that he is looking for a physical connection for his romantic connection. Duh! That he goes about it in a completely lame way and that first shows you who he is. But it is true that guys (and us too) want a physical chemistry. This doesn't mean you need to go about it in the the way he is suggesting or play along just to keep him hooked in (that's desperate & he is already showing enough disrespect). Don't answer him or maybe even better for your confidence, tell him that on second thought you don't think you two are right for each other & wish him well. Right now you feel rejected & it would do you good to draw the line with someone at how you want to be treated and reject him. Good luck

[Lotsgoingon]

These are not dating questions, their not "introduction" questions, they're not flirty questions.

 

These are terrible questions. Terrible. Horrible, Intrusive. Way too intimate and nosy ... Questions the CIA would asked when you were getting a high level security clearance (of course, not the bikini).

 

So what you want to do ... is delete this kind of message.

 

There was no way this was going to turn out well.

 

What are you work hours? Are you kidding me? That's the kind of thing a scout for a burglar ring would ask.

 

Your answer: none of your damn business right now.

 

So ... delete ... next ...

 

Why would you engage this foolishness?

 

Turn your radar on ... these questions screamed awkward, intrusive, manipulative, socially inept ... no social skills ... no sense of how to have a conversation ... no sense of how to introduce yourself to people, formulaic ... and on and on ...

 

This wasn't a conversation. It was an interview? Likely one he sends to everyone he talks to.

 

Why didn't you ignore him?

 

I really think he's in a burglary ring.

[coolheadal]

I was at a party last night and asked the hostess how she met her bf (he and I have been long time friends, he lives next door to an old bf of mine, part of the same groups, this was the bf's birthday party). She said they had met on POF about three years ago. She said she logged on one day and he had sent a "Hi how are you?" message to her, she was just about to delete the account and then she met him and it's all been good since. This gave me inspiration, and some hope once again, thinking that I really want someone in my life. Maybe try one more time and then that one more time will pan out in something. So when I got home that night, I uploaded Bumble onto my phone.

 

When I woke up this morning I had a message in my inbox. He gave me his phone number and we were texting. It went like this:

 

Him: Hey it's (Name).

Me: Good morning

H: (sends me photo of himself in the mirror)

M: You don't want to see me at the moment I just woke up

H: Ha. I always like sharing some that's not on the app

M: So what's your plan for the day?

H: Not sure. How long have you been single?

M: A few years. You?

H: 2016. What do you do for work? What are your work hours?

M: I have a summer job at the moment I am a job coach for a few weeks and interviewing for other possibilities. You?

H: I work for a code team and printing company, we make interior decorations for aviation and railroad. I work 5 am to 3 pm M-Th with some weekends.

M: Ah. I work M-F until 1 pm with overflow into report writing.

H: Nice hours. Any kids?

M: I do not.

H: Mine is 14. Can I have one pic?

M: Ok, give me a few.

H: You can just upload from your phone.

M: Want to find a good one.

H: It must be a bikini one.

M: (send him one of me and a guy friend and Jonathan Frakes from Star Trek The Next Generation from a comic con he and I went to)

H: Cute

M: Jonathan Frakes? He's alright

H: I have no idea who that is.

M: From Star Trek the Next Generation, he was Number One.

H: Where's the bikini pic?

M: (I send him a funny photo I took off the internet of a hairy guy wearing a woman's bikini as a joke)

M: What do you do for fun?

H: My daughter's sports, running, drinks, sports, cooking

M: Hope the rain holds out I want to get a few miles in

H: (sends me a shirtless torso photo of himself)

H: Wish you were here cuddling. I should drive up to see you today.

M: We just met and you only know my first name

H: Why are you single?

M: Not sure, you?

H: I know when I meet the right person the chemistry. Plus had to be physical attraction there as well, the last relationship I had was just a friendship I wasn't there physically and I need that part this time.

 

I didn't know how to respond to that. But this is a dead end once again. I went out and worked out, I felt better somewhat but he never texted me again. I don't think I will bother with this one. Immediately sends a torso picture means he's not going to be very respectful.

 

Wow I didn't know your a trekkie also.. If a guy like him doesn't know who that was with you he not into the things you like. As to all of this he give you such a run down of his life. While trying to get your to send a bikini shot of you. He already wanted to know if you were working and what you did for a living? $$$$ Money talks and BS walks. I am afraid he's not right for you. Trekkie wow, a good date for you would be in Vegas where they had the STNG beam on the Enterprise Ship walk around get to the bridge and have fun date from there. Wow..

 

I know you try so do I we both end up with the wrong type of people. I've tried everything and this past weekend I was in the hospital for the so call GF she was in there since Friday night. I did the right thing and stayed with her from 9 am to 10 pm Saturday. I don't think she even cared. I don't care if she did or not because I did the right thing.. But she never told me the truth why she was in there. I had to learn it from her daughter. Oops I wasn't suppose to find out. Now that I have and now that I know what it is. I am a lost of words. I read this thread and I am thinking WTF, your life it just like mine these guys are not playing with a full deck. Guy asked if you have kids but he has one. His daughter is his no. 1 priority but you would be his 3rd because it's kid, him an then you. His ego is strong I see. So he sent you topless shirt to impress not you but him!

 

Don't even think for one moment you going to be happy with him.. But I don't see it working out.. He's said all the one liners already.. You have a lot of advise for those here on LS and I am just like you sometimes we need to take our own advise.

Edited July 23, 2018 by coolheadal

[caveman621]

Pushing for bikini pics was out of line. I am in favor of a full body pic. But bikini? No! I met my wife on OLD, so it's not all hopeless, although I hear a lot of horror stories. Especially from female friends.

 

My two cents: Keep trying. But don't give out any personal info you don't want to until you're comfortable. Get from messaging to first date as quickly as you can. First date in a very public place. If there is no chemistry, block and move on. Don't make every date fraught with "this could be the one!" Try to have fun and tell us your horror stories when you get back! Or stories of good dates! Although horror stories are more entertaining!

[brigit87]

H: (sends me a shirtless torso photo of himself)

H: Wish you were here cuddling. I should drive up to see you today.

 

At this point you should have ended all contact. Period.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I wonder how much success men actually have on OLD when they behave this way. I mean, does it ever work where the woman is like, sure, come on over for some "cuddling" right this very moment!

[brigit87]

I wonder how much success men actually have on OLD when they behave this way. I mean, does it ever work where the woman is like, sure, come on over for some "cuddling" right this very moment!

 

LOL! Yep. And I bet if she'd said that the guy would be terrified.

[Shining One]

I wonder how much success men actually have on OLD when they behave this way. I mean, does it ever work where the woman is like, sure, come on over for some "cuddling" right this very moment!

It probably works a small percentage of the time. Approaches like this usually require a wide net. I've never tried it personally, but I know some guys who swear by it. Of course, they only use it for sex though... not to find a partner. One of the guys in question showed me his phone at happy hour. He was actively talking to 17 women at the same time. He'd already persuaded one to send an intimate photo.

[Els]

I don't even understand how the conversation lasted as long as it did. I started cringing by message #4 and barely made it to the end.... and I'm not even the one partaking in it, jesus christ.

[nospam99]

Some people, guys AND gals are looking to get laid (duh). Some people are looking for relationships. Some people are looking for both in various proportions. I have no clue how the demographics work out. But neither me, OP, nor anyone else can or should assume that just because they 'meet' one or a dozen 'candidates' who are looking for 'something else' that there are not folks out there looking for what they themselves are looking for. That said, I am not on Bumble. But because the 'model' is, at least to my understanding, that females must initiate contact, as a guy I'd expect the women to be looking to have sex. Not that I have yet 'won the prize (a relationship)', but I've been on ourtime, zoosk, okcupid, eharmony, and elite and found them all unsatisfactory. I'm still on POF and Match and can say, at least, that I have had no trouble being able to separate the 'get laid' women from the 'relationship' women via a process of carefully reading profiles, exchanging messages, and speaking on the phone, all before an in person meeting.

[brigit87]

I'm still on POF and Match and can say, at least, that I have had no trouble being able to separate the 'get laid' women from the 'relationship' women via a process of carefully reading profiles, exchanging messages, and speaking on the phone, all before an in person meeting.

 

I doubt most women are looking to just have sex. Maybe they're looking to get out for the night do something maybe kiss if the guy is attractive but sex is a different ballgame. I don't care what year it is women still have the nesting instinct and aren't wired to just want sex.

[Ruby Slippers]

"bikini" mention gets an auto-ignore from me now. (I'm not doing OLD, but men still find me in other channels online.) It's the equivalent of me talking about his bank balance

[hotpotato]

I wonder how much success men actually have on OLD when they behave this way. I mean, does it ever work where the woman is like, sure, come on over for some "cuddling" right this very moment!

 

I wonder what happens if she only wants to cuddle. That is so lame, one of the things I don't miss abt dating as well. If these guys want sex, they should just say so.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I wonder what happens if she only wants to cuddle. That is so lame, one of the things I don't miss abt dating as well. If these guys want sex, they should just say so.

 

Agree. The exchange was actually insulting to Mortensorchid, as if she couldn't read between the lines to know what he was really after.

[hotpotato]

Agree. The exchange was actually insulting to Mortensorchid, as if she couldn't read between the lines to know what he was really after.

 

Why do guys act like being honest will scare a woman away, but

 

randomly pulling out your junk won't ? Gawd.

 

Also, i think some guys have a fetish and want to come over. The lady swoons in lust for him. In their minds they want it to seem unplanned. Either way, it's stupid and dangerous for men to say act like that.

[SevenCity]

Why do guys act like being honest will scare a woman away, but

 

randomly pulling out your junk won't ? Gawd.

 

Also, i think some guys have a fetish and want to come over. The lady swoons in lust for him. In their minds they want it to seem unplanned. Either way, it's stupid and dangerous for men to say act like that.

 

If I told every potential date what I honestly wanted to do to them, I would never have sex.

 

It's funny, with many gf's I've said "How would you react if I said I wanted to do X,Y,Z on our first date?" after I just did it. They all said they would slap me/run.

 

Most women don't want brutal honesty. I've had many say they were surprised we had sex so soon with me. I'm sure it wouldn't have happened if I said that was my plan.

 

I've never sent a dic pic though.

[SevenCity]

Some people, guys AND gals are looking to get laid (duh). Some people are looking for relationships. Some people are looking for both in various proportions. I have no clue how the demographics work out. But neither me, OP, nor anyone else can or should assume that just because they 'meet' one or a dozen 'candidates' who are looking for 'something else' that there are not folks out there looking for what they themselves are looking for. That said, I am not on Bumble. But because the 'model' is, at least to my understanding, that females must initiate contact, as a guy I'd expect the women to be looking to have sex. Not that I have yet 'won the prize (a relationship)', but I've been on ourtime, zoosk, okcupid, eharmony, and elite and found them all unsatisfactory. I'm still on POF and Match and can say, at least, that I have had no trouble being able to separate the 'get laid' women from the 'relationship' women via a process of carefully reading profiles, exchanging messages, and speaking on the phone, all before an in person meeting.

 

Ultimately they are (in a relationship mostly) but it isn't known to be a hookup site.

 

It forces women to make the first move so you know they have some interest. When I was on OLD I just ended up on that site.

 

I would check it out.

[coolheadal]

This is not the way to go using these dating apps. Just opening up to all sorts of strangers both male and female. Just don't know who the heck your dealing with . Yes I have to agree with all you here this guy was one of those how can I say well we all know what he was. Not someone I would allow anyone to go out with. He's using that app as his own sex window. It's shame she had to deal with his behavior.

[mortensorchid]

Listen along the way of your journey to meet the right guy for you, you will run into people who are far from your expectations of what a good guy to date would be, like this guy. That's a big part of the journey. You will meet people who disappoint you, who seem disappointed in you, who are jerks, who don't get you, who you don't get, and who while great just aren't for you, or vice versa.

 

What i find sad is that you are letting one bad apple (aka this guy) derail what you want to do. Because he is a jerk, does not mean all guys are jerks. It's so...fatalistic... and black and white thinking for you. It only hurts you. To give you good feedback, i think it's great that you asked your friend how she met her guy and immediately gave that a try. But where you went wrong is assuming or hoping it would be your magic cure. While there are patterns, everyone's story probably is a little different (though to be fair, my other friend was a couple of days away from canceling her online dating account and met her now bf who is amazing and completely pursued her in the right and chivalrous way). Why are you letting this one guy have all the power over what you believe about yourself & what is possible for you? I think you need to stop putting romance on a pedestal and then swinging wildly to a bunch of very negative beliefs about love and yourself.. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle and more down to earth. Take a more realistic approach. I think it's lucky that you found out this guy was only after pix in 10 sentences. yay! no time wasted. Now don't let it ding your confidence. Stop replying. He likely isn't serious whatsoever or he wouldn't risk offending you. On the small chance he is serious, he will come back with another line less about pix (don't think so but it's possible).

 

Take the lesson for yourself above: that it's not the end of the world or your dating journey. Take the lesson about guys: the one truth he said was that he is looking for a physical connection for his romantic connection. Duh! That he goes about it in a completely lame way and that first shows you who he is. But it is true that guys (and us too) want a physical chemistry. This doesn't mean you need to go about it in the the way he is suggesting or play along just to keep him hooked in (that's desperate & he is already showing enough disrespect). Don't answer him or maybe even better for your confidence, tell him that on second thought you don't think you two are right for each other & wish him well. Right now you feel rejected & it would do you good to draw the line with someone at how you want to be treated and reject him. Good luck

 

I am tired of the disappointments. There are nothing but left, right and sideways. It's probably why I am in the state I am in, feel like I'm broken in a million little pieces from all the self esteem blows I have taken. Trying to put them back together but ... It's been so hard.

[Happy Lemming]

To: mortensorchid

 

The title of your thread is "Tried again ... And a fail"

 

Please explain to me how this is a "fail". It is quite clear (to me) this gentleman was looking for a "hook up", while you are looking to date and expand the dating into a relationship. You did not fail!! He wanted one thing, while you wanted another.

 

I know nothing of "Bumble" is this a true dating app or a "hook up" app??

 

I still think you will do better if you try to meet people in real life.

 

Just my two cents....