I could really use some thoughtful words...

[essiesoff]

Guys, this might be long as it is quite complicated...but I could really use some help and encouragement right about now.

 

This is actually kindof an interesting story if you have time to read it.

 

I am a female and I recently got out of a complex relationship (over about a 2.5 year time span) involving two other females - my longtime love (call her Liz) and one of my best friends (call her Jean).

 

I am 20 years old and I met Liz in high school. The summer before we both left for college, we both realized that we had been sortof "silently" in love with each other for a LONG time. So we took a risk and got together. For all the obvious reasons, this was the best summer of my life. Just like all the stupid fairy tales. She would be in school only an hour away from mine, so not such a huge distance deal.

 

But after a few months, things got weird in a lot of ways. Liz played 2 college sports (one in fall and one in spring). All of her teammates drank their hearts out and, in turn, Liz started to as well. Her grades slipped terribly and she ended up kissing a boy when she was really drunk one night. She told my best friend Jean about it and I ended up hearing that from Jean instead of Liz. It killed me because I believe in fidelity. I believe that it's SO possible.

 

And I had believed in us. You would think that two people who had truly loved each other for such a long time before actually getting together would do ANYTHING to stay together. But I think she got afraid in a lot of ways...I was her first relationship with a girl and the first PERSON she had ever loved in general (she had been with 3 guys before and never loved or wanted to be sexual with any of them).

 

Come spring, her sports schedule made it impossible for her to keep promises to me (timewise). This is about the time when my best friend, Jean, told me that she was falling in love with me.

 

So, I was hurting on a lot of levels but I stuck with Liz. I made sure she knew that she was smart and beautiful to me and I stuck by her side and made sure she got her academic life together again.

 

Yet, Liz couldn't take the fact that Jean loved me so much. Jean was there for me whenever I was down about Liz (which was a lot, at this point...all I wanted to do was spend time with her and all she was doing was drinking and playing her sport). But I loved Liz a lot, I just wanted us to be together and make this thing work.

 

So Liz starts giving up on me in a lot of ways...assuming that I'd choose Jean because she was always there and bought me gifts and took me on little trips and things. I will admit, it was REALLY nice and comfortable but my heart was with Liz. I think a great deal of the reason that I started falling out of love wit Liz in the first place was because she wouldn't believe me about that.

 

So that summer things are a mess. I'm dividing my time between Jean and Liz. Liz and I are at a party one night and things are GREAT! She almost had my trust and confidence back...I was having so much fun and was almost ready to really be okay with the entire situation...and that night she gets REALLY drunk and is kissed by a guy IN FRONT OF ME (we'll call him Charlie...I had known him for years and considered him a friend - NOT ANYMORE!). So of course I'm hurting...so badly. I think that was the most painful night thus far and I was crushed. I don't know if this was the right thing to do, but I called Jean and she came to pick me up and took me away.

 

After this things were crazy. I would see Liz but then go right to Jean and I didn't know what I wanted or who I wanted to be with anymore. Jean and I would hold each other...but it was never ANYTHING more than friends. Again, Liz didn't believe me about this. I never lied to her. I could understand why Liz got so upset...but Jean and I never even hooked up ONCE!!! It was more of a comfort thing that I needed at the time, I guess. (I am NOT saying this was a good move on my part, believe me!)

 

I know this sounds like a huge mess but...it gets worse. Because Liz and Jean used to get along really well I was upset ONE night and said "Why can't you two just be friends again!?" STUPID ME...they took me seriously! They worked things out and became "good friends" again! (WHAT? Still boggles my mind).

 

Recap: So now I have my two "best friends" each semi-faking a friendship while silently competing for me...I love Liz dearly but I'm so hurt by her...Jean is offering me comfort and stability. I'm so torn. And I'm an emotional wreck.

 

This took a huge toll on me for about a year. NEITHER of them would give me the time or space I needed because they were "too afraid to lose me". So my temper got shorter and I became more confused as time went on.

 

On top of this, Liz's mother and sister were out to get me. They hated me because I was the first person in Liz's life to tell her she was smart and try and help her do better, and influence her (besides that I was a girl)! So her sister starts reading EVERY email that I ever sent Liz...and forwarding it TO HER MOTHER!!! So now her mother and sister know my deepest, darkest secrets and that kills me even more. (Liz did defend me on this...she knew they were wrong on many levels.)

 

So, after all of this...Liz decides to not play her sports in school anymore...takes time for me...generally starts being the girlfriend I had ALWAYS wanted her to be (and always knew she COULD be if she got her head on straight!). But by this time I'm such a wreck I can hardly notice!

 

This is about the time when Jean surprises me, completely out of the blue, with a gift...a brand new GUITAR!

 

I didn't want it, I didn't ask for it...I still have it at home but I wish I could BURN IT.

 

Because of this guitar, Liz (instead of taking this up with Jean) became incredibly angry with ME. It's like she was too afraid to actually 100% confront Jean with her true emotions and it was easier for her to blame it all on me because I was an easy target.

 

After all of this confusion I had finally realized what I wanted, and needed. I wanted to work things out with Liz. I told Jean to back off. I told Liz that we had been through incredibly rough spots but if we worked at it I thought we could be great...

 

And this is just about when Liz tells me that she needs a break from me because I "make her think too much". She told me this with tears in her eyes, holding my hands.

 

Jean started dating Liz's ROOMMATE/best friend so they were together all the time...and I was left 150% alone. Out of nowhere. Pretty much unjustified.

 

During this break, after I had helped her climb out of her rut...Liz slipped down the same self-destructive path she had started out on at the beginning of school. When we started talking to each other again, she treated me like I was totally expendable but kept dragging me around like a rag doll, telling me things like "Don't give up yet, things could work out between us." When I tried to break things off with her before I got too hurt, she told me to stay and gave me all sorts of hope...whenever I was with her alone she seemed alive again. And then when I was with her around other people, she would kindof shut off and smoke a lot and end up in a daze.

 

At this time, Charlie came back into the picture and began hitting on Liz. When Liz's mother saw that Charlie was a BOY, she started buying Liz lots of things and being nice to her for the first time in years. Even though Charlie is a drunk and a dirty fratboy (I know this because I've been to his apartment...it's disgusting!)...and he's always doing other drugs...it doesn't matter to Liz's mother as long as he's a guy.

 

Liz is dating Charlie now. When I found out I think my heart left my body completely...she had told me she loved me and given me all this hope that we could work things out...and then she takes the EASY WAY OUT! Honestly, this guy kissing Liz a year ago had been the breaking point in our relationship in the first place!

 

After this, I told Liz not to talk to me anymore because the fact that she was with him literally killed me. I told Jean not to talk to me anymore either...and I basically left everyone involved and am not part of the situation anymore.

 

Yet I can't get over this. It's been 2 months since Liz started dating Charlie. I have known Liz for SEVEN years and believe me when I tell you that I honestly think she's a lesbian-in-denial. I think she loved me so much that it freaked her out and she didn't want to deal with it. And I think she's doing a lot of this to please her family.

 

That doesn't change what she's doing, I know. And I understand there's a difference between love and obsession.

 

I believe deeply in my heart that we did love each other and that our timing was incredibly off...and both our maturity levels weren't high enough to deal with everything that happened.

 

Yet, this girl was my heart. She is not my first love...but she was my dear friend for about 5 years before we got together. And if you ever saw us together, alone...there's this amazing spark there. I know this sounds like crap, but I'm not crazy. I promise!

 

I will not justify her actions at this point. She was WRONG on many levels. I was wrong for letting Jean get way too involved in our relationship. I understand this.

 

I am away at college again and all I can keep thinking about is how much I WISH we had gotten a chance to be together, just me and her...no sports, no booze, no best-friend-in-love-with-me drama. And we never got that chance. And I know we never will.

 

I know we are young and kids make all kinds of mistakes at this age trying to find themselves. I know that Liz has a lot of issues (her family, learning how to commit) that she is going to have to learn how to deal with before she can truly love somebody...

 

but knowing all of this doesn't stop the hurt.

 

Has anyone been through anything remotely similar? Or does anyone have any kind of advice or thoughts about this that would be constructive? I have a very hard time understanding and dealing with all of this in my head because it all got so confused. Thank you so much if you've actually read this far.

[quankanne]

sometimes, when you love someone, you've just got to step aside, walk away, until they can get themselves together. No matter how much it hurts.

 

it sounds to me that Liz has had a troubled past, and because she couldn't "connect" with boys, she turned to you, another female. I don't think I could honestly consider her a lesbian in denial, but rather someone who found a safe harbor (you) who happened to be the same sex. I've read several posts here and have talked to a couple of women who, after going through a traumatic experience, turned to other women for comfort because, face it, the female sex has got the emotional nurturing thing down whereas men don't (for the most part).

 

this isn't meant to be hurtful when I say that while she may have truly loved/cared for you while you were together, your relationship was like a balm for someone who needed emotional nurturing. Kind of like she healed when she was with you, you know? That she was physically interacting with men leads me to believe this. You sound confident in your sexuality as a lesbian; Liz sounds like she was searching. I don't get the feeling she'll be coming back.

 

not sure how to read the Jean situation, if she's confusing her feelings of love for you as a friend with feelings of attraction, or maybe something else. However, of the two women, from what you've shared, it sounds like Jean is the one capable of being in a more equally giving relationship ...

 

I realize this reply doesn't offer much advice, but only my "take" on what's happening -- you see it all the time in straight relationships, the one who "falls in love" with his/her best friend and the emotionally needy one who hangs on for dear life to the one who fulfills that need but then abandons that person when they fill that empty spot. Love's a booger, innit?

[essiesoff]

I guess there's a lot more to this than I could ever possibly write (as I'm sure everyone knows).

 

I truly do understand what you're saying completely about the fact that maybe Liz is simply straight and was looking for comfort. I guess you would have to know her. She calls herself bisexual now (understandably) but the thing is...she SCREAMS boy. She talks like a guy, dresses like a guy, even has mannerisms like a guy. In the lesbian world she fits in like nothing else! So her being with a boy, in all honesty, looks incredibly awkward and there is literally NO emotional substance.

 

I know this because I know how her relationships with previous boyfriends went and she simply couldn't connect with them. They got bored with each other or it ended because (as I said) there was nothing emotional too them. It was more like 2 guys hanging out and occasionally getting sexual.

 

I understand why guys like her so much...she's perfect for them...she's really pretty and more low maintenance than guys themselves...she acts like a guy and has the same interests as guys...she's incredibly easy to be with (for another guy!) because there is no substance. They can be gross together and get drunk together and have bad manners together and none of it matters because they're both so manly!

 

Maybe I'm just making excuses to make myself feel better...I don't know. All I do know is that all of her close friends truly believe that she loved me and that the reason she likes guys is because there's no emotional attachment, nothing to work hard for - it's EASY! I think she ran away from me because I was the first person in her entire life that she actually had to THINK about.

 

I don't know, maybe all of this makes her straight...I truly have no idea. I don't know if that changes your response...but thanks for reading.